I set the alarm for 7 am up by 6:30. I walked Elsa. Whenever I walk her, I always work on changing the way I use my body. I have a spinal curvature and an arthritic hip. I believe it is a result of injuries compounded by dysfunctional alignment, causing compensatory movements, which then causes muscles and connective tissue to develop incorrectly and then pain. To correct my body problems, I do bodywork, yoga, and make efforts to change the way I walk, sit, stand, and move from one position to the next. There is a whole growing field of body mechanics, which I find fascinating.
Over the last month, I spent several days working on twisting my upper body to correct the spinal curvature. I pushed my right shoulder back more than is usual as I brought my right foot forward. I'm not just moving my arms; I am moving my whole upper torso in opposition to the entire lower torso and legs. Right leg and hip forward, right shoulder and upper torso back; left leg and hip back, left shoulder and upper torso forward.
Then in the following week, the emphasis switched to my hips. It looks like my left leg is shorter, which it may be because the cartilage is worn down in the left hip. However, it is also true then when sitting cross-legged, it is clear that my left hip is much higher than my right. That has nothing to do with leg length. I'm concentrating on soft tissue changes. How much difference can I get just focusing on soft tissue before the bone degeneration calls a halt to my efforts to make changes? All I can say is," Not yet." Obviously, this work requires patience and a tolerance for very, very small changes. I've been working on it slowly for 23 years. More so since my injury which severely limited my movement, 14 years ago. Since then, I have experienced decreased pain and increased range of motion.
I know the medical profession says arthritis is a result of bone degeneration. I have been banking on pain being caused by soft tissue malformation rather than bone problems. I assume I will hit a wall in my range of motion. So, okay, sitting down and standing up will require more effort than it did at 40, getting down to the floor and up again will also remain a challenge. But, if I can walk several miles, climb stairs and not be in pain, is it worth the risk of a total hip replacement? No operation can guarantee results.
I just heard a story recently of a woman who went in for hip pain in her left hip. The X-ray showed that she had arthritis. The doctors pointed out that her other hip, the one without pain, was actually in worse shape. The doctors talked her into a double hip replacement. The person who told me the story said the woman was so glad she had this double procedure. Really? Does anyone else see a problem with this story? There is no relationship, been bone degeneration, and pain.
Sometimes, I talk to family or friends about changing the way they move to relieve pain. The usual reaction is, "No, I'm fine. I just go to the doctor, and he gives me a shot, and the pain is gone." And, then, their pain comes back. But that's okay. They go back for another shot. Problem solved! No, I do not live on anti-inflammatory medication. If I take something once every six months, that's a lot. And, Yes, I am really not in pain. I know the difference between being in pain and not being in pain. I don't always think to take something when I'm enduring pain. Mike usually had to point out that taking aspirin might help. I took tons of pills every morning and every night when that back pain hit while I was in Honolulu with Mike for those 5 weeks in the hospital.
I'm writing this trying to get someone to move a little closer to my ideas of curing body aches. I do understand the physical therapists are thinking more about body mechanics and the misalignments and repetitive movements that are frequently the cause of pain. My progress is over 23 years, but I had to invent the wheel on my own. I think more people are thinking in terms of body mechanics and the effects of connective tissue damage. These are the two things I am addressing. Concern for the role of fascia was new in my lifetime.
After my focus on my upper body, my emphasis switched to my right hip, which thrusts out to the right; So the goal is to move that hip more in line with the center of my body. I worked on contracting the right abdominal muscles to pull my right hip more toward the center as I walked.
The following week, the emphasis was on my left foot. The alignment of my foot, ankle, and knee is off. Now one of the reasons I have a problem is because I suffer from Morton's Toe. I always thought this had to do with the second toe being longer than the first. When I finally did some reading on the subject, I learned it has to do with the metatarsal attached to the first toe being shorter than the metatarsal attached to the second toe. When I look at my feet, the metatarsals don't slope down to the pinky toe, starting with the first toe. No, it's a jump up from my first metatarsal to my second, and then there is that slope down to the metatarsal of the little toe. This means that when I walk, the metatarsal of my second toe strikes before the one of my first toe. When the first metatarsal strikes, my foot rolls in, making me pigeon-toed.
When I was a child, this resulted in flat feet. My father noticed this problem and hauled me off to a podiatrist. This doctor was a character. He was an orthodox Jew who worked on Saturdays. For those of you who don't know, Saturday is the Sabbath for Jews. The orthodox can't drive or cook on Saturday from sundown Friday night to sunset Saturday night, no less work at their regular jobs. This doctor worked but refused to touch the money in deference to the law. My father put 5 dollars on the doctor's desk, which he didn't touch until sundown. (This was in 1950.
The doctor's fee was $5 without any insurance coverage.) The doctor gave me an exercise. He told me to walk on the outside edges of my feet with ping pong balls clutched in my toes. He also put me in arch supports. I remember doing the exercise on my living room rug. I suspect I didn't do them very long. But I got the point. In a few years, I didn't' have flat feet anymore. I still don't have flat feet, but my left ankle alignment is too far over the inside of the foot. Over the last week, I made sure to put the weight on the very outside edge of my left foot, approximating what that doctor recommended 70 years ago. Slowly, I can see my foot alignment change. However, I don't really know how to compensate for that short first metatarsal. I good stride starts at the back outside of the heel and ends on the first metatarsal then pushing off on the first toe. I can push off on the first toe, but what do I do about the first metatarsal?
I always work on what feels right at the time. It isn't predetermined. I find that it sequences through my body from top to bottom or bottom to top. I may be working on my shoulder, and that causes changes in my hip. Then I focus on what I'm doing with my hip. Then my focus switches to my feet. Then it may move back up to my neck or back up to my hip. I feel it's a process of unwinding.
When I got back home, I did my oil rinse, made Juice Plus smoothie, washed last night's dishes, drank my 2 cups of water while playing FreeCell on the computer. I'm having trouble with Yahoo. It's slow if not dysfunctional all together. I don't know if it's their fault or my computer's.
I took a quick shower and rushed off to church for the Palm Sunday service concerned about a full parking lot. I went to St. Michael's today because the hula ministry was performing there. I sat next to Karen, a woman I met when she came to get a book from Mike's library. We had a good laugh together. If I can laugh with someone, they are already one of my favorite people in the world.
Being at St. Michael's for Palm Sunday felt sad. Mike would have been on the altar, reading the Passion of Christ with Fr. Lio. I feel Mike's worrying about me rather than celebrating what I am doing. He was frequently worried about me. I'm not sure why. I never thought it had much to do with me, but it was some neurotic tick of his.
There was a man in the front pew who was debilitated by some disease or incident, like a stroke. He not only looked debilitated but depressed as well. While his wife was well turned out, he was unkempt. If Mike had lived, it would have been several more months in the hospital and then a good year in recovery from having been on his back for that long. I was worried he wouldn't do well with it. After he had been in the hospital for a week or so, he was crying about wanting to stand up. At one point, he described himself as not being a person anymore. If he couldn't see himself as a person when he knew he was sick, how was he going to deal with it once he was over the disease and in recovery? He wasn't going to be back on the altar soon, if ever. I would have done what I had to do for him and for myself if he assumed a negative attitude. But it would have been hell for both of us. I also worried that he would add guilt to his soul's burden, guilt about what his limited condition was doing to me. I can view any of life's events as an adventure. I think I would have been not merely fine, but downright joyful if he had been able to accept his condition, worked for his recovery, and discovered a new him and a new us.
I called Jean. We talked about Mike. I told her about that debilitated man I had seen in the church and wondered how Mike would have done with a long, slow recovery. If he had lived and been morose, and unwilling to work, it would have been an unpleasant life for both of us. I can imagine him wishing he was dead. Of course, he could also have changed and grown.
When he counseled Judy on how to deal with her cancer and the chemotherapy she had to go through from a spiritual perspective, he said there were four mental states which had to be achieved: acceptance, cooperation, humility, and docility. I have my own thoughts on what all of these mean in the context of dealing with life's challenges, but the only one Judy and I have discussed at length is docility. In the spiritual context, docility doesn't carry the same meaning as it does in common usage. In common usage, it evokes images of lambs being led to slaughter without protest. The root word of docile is the Latin 'to learn or be easily taught." I don't think this means being so smart that you learn facts quickly. It means that you are willing to approach life's uncomfortable circumstances as an opportunity to learn something new about life and about yourself. If Mike had lived, we would have had to learn to see ourselves as different people from the ones we were before. We would have learned new things about ourselves, each other, and life. That can be pretty scary. Circumstances often expose things to us; we would rather not know.
I got a message from Damon and Cylin; they were on their way to a Dodger game. I called them back. I was surprised that Cylin was going to the game instead of August. I was told that August had an event with friends, and Damon couldn't find anyone else to go with him. How's that for self-sacrifice?
I sat down to drink my Juice Plus smoothie, my afternoon breakfast drink, and I worked on the blog. Yvette came up to pick up her laundry and spent a few minutes talking. She mentioned she had read about my problems with changing the sheets. Part of the problem was the loss of Mike; the other problem is that Mike always made the bed, which is a California King. Making it is an athletic event. She offered to help me make it. I quickly realized that I'm not ready to let go of the disillusion that he may be coming back. Let them be dirty. I just was not prepared to make that change. While she was here, we talked about scheduling another dinner.
After she left, I went down for what wound up being a 3-hour nap. I read some of the Sunday NY Times before I fell asleep. When I got up, I ironed a sheet, played some FreeCell, and then worked on the blog. I tried to add an entry to the existing email thread. It wouldn't go through. I realized that the thread was too long. I started a new one.
The day had started out cool. I was in sweat pants and a sweatshirt. By late afternoon, I had to strip down to shorts. I walked Elsa after doing more work on the blog. This is still taking a lot of time, but it is time well l spent since it makes me feel better. I still have my own two books to finish and Mike's book to edit and send to a publisher.
I walked Elsa, had dinner, watched tv, and cataloged books. I walked Elsa again before going to bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, went to bed, and then said, "Goodnight, Elsa. Goodnight, Mike."
