Good news: I’m doing fine.
Bad news: None
I’m getting comments from people about how strong I am. Don’t feel strong. I just have a long list of things to do, and I’m getting them done. My strength shows in my screwing my courage to do things I haven’t done before. There is that inner voice that haunts me which says, “I can’t do it,” meaning I’m not capable of doing it. Most annoying. I’m rational enough to know that I’m a capable and competent woman. The likelihood of my not being able to navigate submitting appropriate obituaries to newspapers doesn’t make a lot of sense. I keep Mike’s voice in my head, “It’s just a problem to be solved.” It’s not an overwhelming disaster that I can’t possibly overcome. I face some of the most mundane tasks with that voice inside of me. As a child, I dealt with it by putting myself into overdrive, so I could move faster than my fear. While I can get more done now, I still see myself drop a task and turn to comfort myself with FreeCell. I hope I can overcome this resistance on my own without Mike’s raised his eyebrow when he saw me playing my computer game.
Writing this blog helps. I can easily believe that this must come as a surprise to many of you who read it. But I got tricked into doing it. I had thought I would like to do something like this. I love articulating my ideas. I have been told I should write, but it felt like an overwhelming task. I would be writing for my own sake. That’s where the trick came in. I started it to keep others who were interested in Mike’s situation, not to express myself. Six weeks of doing it, it became routine. I am aware that I have continued it, although Mike’s outcome is no longer an issue. I just love doing it. It’s certainly better for me than FreeCell. Here is another gift Mike has given me. Is this a trick he played on me to get me to do what he knew I wanted to do anyway? He is one sneaky dude.
I woke up in time to go to Bikram, but I was having such a sweet sleep. I chose not to go and enjoy my bedtime. I got up at 7:30 am instead of 6. I set my alarm for 10:20 to make sure I left the house in time for my 11 o’clock facial. Yvette’s esthetician, Colleen, is a greeter for the 7:30 Sunday mass. She offered me a free facial, a gift to Mike’s widow.
Yvette had given me the address and directions for getting there. When I arrived, I saw an office with a doctor’s name on but nothing else. It didn’t make sense that she would be in that office, so I walked into the main house. Figured she was working out of her home. I walked in, called her name, but no response. I saw an appointment book. I saw things which let me know she was involved with the Catholic church, I concluded I was in the right place and took a seat in the living room. Finally, this woman appeared. I had never met Collen, so I had no idea what she looked like. I was surprised that she was Filipino. I said, “Colleen?” The woman said, “She has an office downstairs.” Oops! I apologized and went on my way. I figured the woman meant on the first floor. “She said the other front door.” I was supposed to go into the ‘doctor’s office’ door. I found out afterward that there had been a sign up with Colleen’s name on it until the day before. Someone who shared her office space had moved out and taken the sign with her.
When I did meet her, she greeted me with tears in her eyes. So many people are saddened by Mike’s loss. She spoke about how he would kid her as he was waiting at the back of the church to process to the altar at the beginning of mass. He saw her. He laughed with her.
Colleen isn’t just a garden variety esthetician, she’s a medical esthetician. Wow! What a facial! When I was finished, I called Judy immediately to tell her how great my skin looked. I drove right to her house to show her. Usually, it would be Mike I would show it to. Judy saw the difference. I can just imagine what Mike would have thought. He would have squinted and said, “I guess there is a difference,” meaning if you say so. God bless the man who thinks his wife always looks the same – great- no matter what she looks like at the moment.
Mike saw my acne scarring as texturing, and he loved it. He wasn’t kidding. When I went to have a facial, he was concerned they would get rid of it. I assured him the scars would remain intact, I would just be getting rid of the extra bumps. He was relieved. I also have pretty pronounced spider veins on my upper thighs. He described that as marbleizing and also saw it as an enhancement rather than a deficit. What can I tell you?
I spent most of the day when I got home from the facial making calls. The first thing I did was call the New Jersey State Retirement Office to inform them of Mike’s death and find out what this meant for me. I know that we designated me as a beneficiary, which reduced the amount of money he collected monthly. But, I also remember something about the beneficiary benefit clause was void after the primary recipient had received retirement benefits for 10 years. Mike collected benefits for 13. I won’t get my answer until I submit the necessary paperwork to prove he’s dead: a death certificate or an obituary.
I spent most of the day finishing the obituary. First, I had to call Columbia and get the information on the date of Mike’s Ph.D. and what it was in. The name Michael Ross is as common as dirt. Not even giving a middle name helped. Narrowing down the date to either 1972 or 1973 did help. Finally, she found the information which clearly seemed to be Mike. Well, even it applies to some other Mike Ross that got his Ph.D. from Columbia the same year, it will do. Close enough.
Then I had to send out the obituary. I sent it to Chris Schreck, the rector of the Josephinum Seminary in Columbus, I issued it on Facebook, I asked Damon and Cylin to handle the NY Times, I called the Columbus Dispatch, the West Hawaii Today. I sent it to all the folks on the email list for my blog, which is not really a blog, and posted it on Facebook.
Let me see, if I had the Columbus Dispatch print the full obituary as is, it would cost a mere $1000. Hmm, I love Mike to bits and pieces. I think he was terrific in so many ways. But $1000 for an obituary? Maybe not. So, I spent a good part of the day cutting a lot of the information out and creating versions for the different places where he had lived and worked. The Columbus Dispatch’s obit emphasizes his time at the Josephinum, the one for Princeton, his time as a deacon at St. Paul’s, and the one for Hawaii, his role as deacon of St. Michael’s and president of the board of directors of Habitat for Humanity. I sent the abbreviated versions to Damon and Cylin for review.
I received an email from the librarian of the Josephinum Seminary yesterday telling me that they had no use for his 3,000 plus books. What a surprise! I don’t know if Mike had a clue. I made a point of assuring him I was taking care of it as he was dying. I think the truth would have broken his heart. Such a naïve sweet man! He lived in an alternate reality when it came to scholarship. He should have been born a medieval monk. I called and left a message for the librarian of the seminary in New Orleans. I figure if anyone can use books, they might be in need after their Katrina driven losses. However, I could also picture that everyone who was trying to get respectfully rid of books was sending them off to that seminary.
While I didn’t hear from them today, I did hear from John Coughlin, the head of the diaconate formation program for Hawaii, and the first person I called the first time Mike went up to the ICU. He had taken action on his own. He called the New Orleans Seminary, Notre Dame. The librarian said, as I expected, people have been sending the books, most of which are of no use to them. Many times, they don’t even open the boxes. I do not want this to happen to Mike’s precious books. This app will allow those interested to pick out which books they want from a list instead of dealing with boxes, and boxes, and boxes of unidentified books.
They also said they can’t afford the shipping fee. I planned to pay for the shipping.
Then John told me that he found an app that scans books and catalogs them for a mere $14. Would I mind if he came over to my house to do the scanning? Really?!!! I assured him that the library was out of the way from the rest of the house, and if I needed to, I could cover the glass panel in the door to the library with a cloth. I’m kidding. I think I’ll get the app and help. Whatever they don’t finish, I can do a little at a time. I was thinking this would all fall on me to take care of. I had no idea that anyone else was thinking about it, no less assuming they should do something to help me get those books distributed. My relief is beyond words.
I spent the early evening finishing the blog for Monday and starting on Tuesdays. Then I ate dinner, salad, and some of the remaining Thai food. There is still more Thai food to go, but two containers got thrown out today.
I watched some TV, walked Elsa, treated my face to some special follow up treatment, which Colleen gave me, and went to bed.
