Saturday, June 8th, 2019

     Before I started my morning walk with Elsa, I checked the wear pattern on shoes. There is a substantial difference between the left heel and the right. The right heel is worn down right to the back edge of the shoe, the left not as much. To get the heel strike further back on my left foot, I am pushing the right hip back more so the left leg can extend more. I  applied that principle to Bikram, too.
    I dropped off the CDs and some books at the Kona Bookstore, a half-price bookstore in town.  I will pick up what they can't use on Monday or morning next week after yoga. I was given a choice if I wanted to donate the CDs they decided they can't use or have them returned to me.  I wanted them returned.  The lady behind the counter was shocked. I'm not sure why.  I would like to use the profit from these CDs to help pay for the books' packing and shipping costs.  I also have some fantasy of selling these CDs and whatever books are not accepted by one of the seminaries on Amazon.  These shipping costs are going to be impressive.
    I have a lot of money behind me, but I would like to live within my annual income.  I haven't quite figured out what that is, but now, I think my output exceeds my income.  Now, there have been some expenses that are annual and even are due once every three years.
    I went to Costco. As I was wandering up and down the aisles, I thought of buying Nam bread for Mike.  It was the only thing he would ask me to pick up for him when I shopped there.  How many years will those moments come up? Does it ever stop?
    One of the Costco sample stands was serving chicken and portabello mushroom ravioli.  It tasted good and included meat.   I checked the sodium content. I always had to do that when I shopped for Mike.  These reminders are little stabs into my heart.
    I once compared the loss of Mike to withdrawal from a 45-year habit. Perhaps, I can compare these reminders to the triggers recovering drug addicts experience.  When the addict experiences something which reminds him of the addition, it triggers a craving.  I heard a story about a recovery center that was having dismal results with their coke addicts.  It winds up, they ate at a glass top table with white metal legs.  Those legs triggered a reminder of the coke lines. Of course, there are several differences. First, I can't pick up this habit again,  and second, there was nothing destructive about my relationship with Mike; we both grew and improved.  As you can see, all habits are not equal.
    I did some weeding in the back lanai.  When I started weeding back there, I was trimming with cuticle scissors. I was having fun.  Now I discovered that the vines can be thinned by the grab and pull and pull method. I just yank the stuff right out of the ground. No need to just trim it back.  It will grow back fast enough.  I am leaving the weeds on the ground to be dried out. Then I have to sort of the bougainvillea branches, with their wide thorns, and put the rest in the composting containers.
    While listening to The Moth Radio Hour, I started writing down the names and number of volumes of these books I discovered in a notebook instead of in the CollectorZ ap. I'm figuring that these books, which are all about Catholicism and the church, would be desirable.  If I send the list, I can start shipping these.
    I finally emptied out Mike's briefcase, the one I packed rapidly on the night of Jan 25th when we flew to Oahu in the ambulance plane.  I took work along, assuming that Mike would be able to read and continue preparing for the diaconate weekend classes.  He never opened a book. His illness became his life, actually him. It was all-consuming. Sometimes when I remember how he suffered, it hurts. It hurts more now than it did at the time. Or maybe just the same, but there was so much to deal with, and I thought of pain as just bumps, big ones,  on the road to recovery not part of an inevitable descent into death.
    I had told Yvette that the TV stopped working. She must have told Josh because he came up to take a look.  He fixed it. I have no idea what he does, but I have the benefit of an in house techie.  Yeah!  Everything is in order again, but now I know that I can be perfectly happy watching shows on my computer.  I have to anticipate that I will be doing that eventually.  Once the library is emptied of books and furniture, I am thinking I can rent that space.  The problem will be finding someone I am content living with. Every human being requires adjustment. Just thinking about it is starting a migraine,  appropriately, I think.