Friday, July 26, 2019

            I slept in instead of going to Bikram.  I lay in bed in Savasana and just floated.  I wasn't sure I had done the right thing. I got up and managed to do something before I went down for a long, long nap. In other words, I slept most of the day.
            I was expecting Sandor to come and pick up Mike's file cabinets full of his notes and articles he had Xeroxed. I am so grateful that his papers have found a good home, and I don't have to trash it all. Boy, that would have hurt.
            As it was, this hurt. As I watched Sandor remove the file cabinets, it was clear why I had to sleep all day.  This was hard. Elsa jumped up on my lap. She was halfway over my shoulder and just sitting on my heart.  She didn't ask to be pet; she just sat there.  I thought we were some weird version of a Pieta.
            I called the Kona Hospice Grief  counsellor today as Susan from the church office recommended. I thought, maybe it will help. Who knows?   I have to be interviewed before I can participate in the group session which is on the last Tuesday of the month.  The first question she asked me was how long ago did Mike die.  My answer was good enough to qualify me for the interview. I think they don’t take people fresh off the lost.
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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

Here's a pet peeve of mine. I hate it when people say just be a human being and not a human doing.  What the hell does that mean?  If it means just breathe. Breathing is doing something, particularly if you're keeping your focus on it.  I have participated in something like 20 ten-day meditation retreats.   Let me tell you, just watching your breath going in and out, and nothing else is hard work.  It is doing something.
            Just hate it when people throw out catchphrases that accuse you of doing something wrong without giving you a clue what they mean. All you know, since you don't know what they're talking about, you must be doing it wrong.
            It's up there with a few of my other favorite phrases: "Just relax!" "Stop thinking so much." Totally unhelpful.  I can do both now pretty much on command.  I can relax, and I can pretty well silence my mind for up to 2 minutes. I still hate these phrases. I know they're unhelpful and total nonsense to anyone who hasn't had the training, rigorous training.  Anytime you need training to DO something, you are doing something.  If you're doing something, you're a human doing and not a human being, whatever that means.