Ah, Saturday. I didn’t have to get up a 6 am to make the morning class. I could get up at 7, and I did. I emailed my eulogy to Damon. I wasn’t feeling right about the end and wanted his suggestions. He made a grammatical correction and advised me to leave out a whole section where I talked about Mike’s history as an arrogant person. He was never that way with the people he met in Hawaii, but he was that way when I met him. I’m sure it was part of what attracted me to him. It was familiar. I had seen it in my father. But what was also in my father was a desire to be a better person. My dad didn’t have the resources that Mike and I had. We saw psychotherapy as a means not just to be happier people, but better people.
And then he married me. I have discovered that anyone who is not interested in growing and changing finds me unpleasant to be around. This is not to say there aren’t other reasons to find me unpleasant to be around for some people, but those who are stuck and want to stay there are a class unto themselves.
I think I’ve mentioned this before: After Mike left his first wife, he asked a colleague what to look for in a life partner. The person told him to look for a ‘worthy opponent.” Everyone in our life is an opponent at some level or another. They’re not us. Of course, not all of us is us at any particular moment. We can be our own worst enemies and our own best teachers. I think he always thought he found that in me as I felt that I had it in him. We were each other’s best teachers. We both believed that as we adapted to each other’s needs, we would become bigger and better people. I know I like myself better after 45 years with Mike. This is because he worked hard to overcome my mother’s constant stream of negative messages, but I have also become a less reactive, more tolerant person. It takes a lot more to get me upset.
When couples enter a relationship with expectations, trouble can follow. One mate can claim that the other has to make the adaptations, and accuse them of being a limited or bad person because they don’t. That’s abuse. A deep respect for the other, a foundation of acceptance for what they are, and appreciation of their strengths have to be the foundation of this arrangement. Both have to change. Both have to adapt to the other. If one is always in the wrong and the other always in the right, something is amiss. I remember that when I decided to accept Mike as my life partner, my thought was I could live with him the way he was. The rest was gravy. However, I would never hook up now with the person Mike was 45 years ago. Mike liked to say that our relationship worked because there was always one adult present, and it wasn’t always the same person.
On that note: I included in my eulogy something about Mike’s weakness in unstructured conversations. I wrote it in a funny way. My intention was to add some humor to the eulogy. Damon actually did a rewrite of that part of the eulogy eliminating most of my comments about Mike’s weaknesses. I wound up agreeing with him wholeheartedly for two reasons. First, there was too much about me in this section. My intent was to emphasize Mike’ s willingness and ability to change, to learn from me and life. I was somewhat disturbed by that, but not enough. Then, more importantly, Mike didn’t like it when I used him as a butt of humor. I use myself as a butt of humor and couldn’t quite get to the point where I understood that I didn’t have the right to use him this way without his permission. I can say that my admiration and love for the man so overshadowed my vision of his weaknesses, that the humorous criticism was trivial. But it wasn’t for Mike. I was working on changing. He had told me to stop repeatedly. I fully agreed that a joke using another person is not funny if the person is hurt by it. Doing so is downright mean. Again, my pride, comfort with, deep trust in, and love for him overwhelmed not only whatever minor complaints I had, but my ability to see my behavior as a problem. I was as comfortable with Mike as I have ever been with any human being. I knew that he always had respect for my point of view even if he didn’t agree with it. If there was an opportunity to render something with humor, it was out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I think I also assumed I could treat him the way I treated myself. I don’t use myself as a subject of humor out of disrespect for myself. I just find the human condition funny.
Bikram was pretty full today; there were 17 students. The woman who I had been concerned about because I hadn’t seen her back in class was there. Maya was in Mike’s Tuesday morning bible study class, and he was her tutor in her conversion process. I spontaneously thought to ask her if she would be willing to hold a procam or a phone so we could live-stream the funeral. I still didn’t know anyone who knew how to do this. I was hoping Sandor would be able to. Turns out, Maya had a live-streaming account and knows all about it. Wow! Another incredible piece of luck. Each turn I make is one for the better, so far. I can only hope that my good fortune will continue.
During the Bikram class, I focused on contracting the right psoas and shifting my right hip moreover to the left and back and my left hip forward. I continue working on repairing my body. After the Bikram class, I went over to the church to do hula practice. I asked if we could practice in the church in the formation, we’d be using so I would be familiar with the space. Anita, who heads the hula ministry, placed me in the center with all the other dancers to the left and right of me. I said, no. I need someone in front of me. Anita said, “You can see what they’re doing when they are to the side of you.” I explained to her that having someone in front of me actually helped my sense of balance. I couldn’t believe the difference it made when Judy stood right in front of me.
The practice was difficult. I was always behind. I finally realized that the arm transitions from one posture to the next don’t happen on 1 but on the upbeat, the & in 4-&. That helped quite a bit, but it is not going to guarantee that I will be okay for the actual performance.
I still had a bowl of limes from the time that Paulette and I went down to pick them. I squeezed enough to last me a few days. It takes four limes for each glass of limeade where the glass is ¾ filled with water, ice, and coconut water. It takes a lot of limes to make enough.
I listened to my Saturday shows on NPR, “Moth Radio Hour,” and the “TED Talks.” I missed “What Do You Know?” because of hula practice. I’m getting used to “Ask Me Another,” but it’s for a younger audience. While I listened, I proofed Wednesday’s entry.
I took Elsa on our before dinner walk. I picked up the mail. This was the first day with no mail related to Mike. This is the start of an avalanche of reminders that Michael is gone.
Yvette came up and did some Graston work on me. I love the way she works. It’s like my muscles purr and relax. They’re saying, ”You’re giving me exactly what I need.” I can see the difference in the next Bikram class. Between the ‘injury’ I experienced when in Honolulu when Mike was in the hospital, Yvette’s work, the work I’m doing in Bikram and all the work I’m doing changing how I sit, stand, walk, and sleep, I am seeing a big difference in my body. I am doing the hula because this is what Mike always wanted me to do. But, the truth is I couldn’t have done it much sooner. I didn’t have the range of movement I needed to do any of it. I think I am going to continue participating in the hula ministry both because it was what Mike wanted me to do and because the movement is good for my body and my mind as I learn a new discipline. It also will keep me connected with the church community, which is a wonderful group of people.
I was working on finishing writing Friday’s entry when I got a phone call from Sandor. He was back from his professional development class in Las Vegas. He told me he was going to work on figuring out how to create a blog site for me. He then tried to prepare me for what I was going to miss about Mike. I had thought about everything he mentioned. In so many ways, Mike is still here for me. Most importantly, I can feel his energy. His energy is so much a part of me, it is hard to know what is him and what is me. There were very few rough edges between us, at least for me. I loved doing things with him and sitting with him in silence. Our relationship started out being ‘something I could live with,’ and it got better over time. I am imagining conversations with him. But those wonderful hugs and kisses, and just sitting next to him with bodily contact, how will I live without this for the rest of my life. Others hug me, but what I created with Mike was special to us.
I walked Elsa, wrote some more, ate dinner, and watched some TV. Tonight I turned the TV off in favor of writing more. I think I would be much better off if I devoted the evening to reading and writing instead of watching TV. It is so much more satisfying.
Before I took Elsa for our bedtime walk, I treated her ear. She doesn’t like that at all. I have to hold her down and squeeze the liquid into her ear. I think I mentioned that she peed on the lanai after one treatment after I had just walked her two hours earlier. Yvette said, “ I think she pissed with you.”
Elsa and I did our late-night walk, I washed my face, brushed my teeth, went to bed at 10:30, “Good night, Elsa, Good-night, Mike.”
Sa
