Friday, July 31, 2020

It was warm this morning when I walked at 6:30. I ran into two people who might be interested in joining us for our driveway yoga. One lady was walking a dog, so I'm reasonably sure she's not allergic as that lady was a week ago.  A young man in his thirties drove by and stopped to say that it looked like a hot day. I've seen him several times. He always slows down and looks at me with interest.  I remember being looked at like that when I was much younger.  Now, I suspect I remind him of his grandmother. 

I have been telling Dorothy about the book White Fragility.  She has said she wasn't that interested in reading it.  First, I thought she felt she was already familiar with the concepts introduced in the book, but no.  Her reason was that she had heard bad things about it.  She heard that the ideas are presented aggressively. We both believe that presenting difficult ideas and proposed changes, especially for others' benefit, must be handled with skill. Otherwise, we just frighten the people we are trying to change.

I meditated for an hour.  I did half an hour on the kneeling bench.  This is much more than I could do two days ago.  I finished the meditation in my chair.  

 I bought a Neutrogena Microabrasion tool. I've used it twice so far. I must say I can see an immediate difference. I've read different directions.  One source says to use it once a week; another says three times a week. I'm going with the latter.  If my skin becomes irritated, I'll know the once-a-week suggestion is better. 

  Because I've been noticing dry skin around my ankles, I tried the gadget there.  I don't know what it did for my skin, but I could feel its impact on my muscles. The machine vibrates at a high frequency. I'm going to try it on all my super tight muscles. 

   I was full of energy and ambition this morning. This is such a dramatic switch from yesterday I'm beginning to think I'm becoming bipolar.  A more positive view is that my telephone time with Dorothy and several friends and that great walk I shared with Darby changed my outlook. 

     It poured while I took one of my naps.  From the promised stifling heat of the early morning, it became chilly again. As I lay napping, I was bothered by the stiff breeze. It left me wondering if I had left a fan on.  It was unpleasantly cold.  Yes, I live in the tropics.      

__________ ___________ _________

Musings:

I have no personal involvement with what happened to Afro-Americans historically in this country.  I am a first-generation American. However, I am now part of the structure supporting racism in the country, whether I like it or not.  I have been aware that my life is easier because I am white.  

  Religious Jewish men bow and thank God they were not born a woman. Some of the motivation for that prayer was probably a tribute to the risks women took bearing children.  However, it also serves as a denigration of women.  I am aware that I am fortunate not to have been born with black skin.  Many cups have passed my lips. I wasn't born with any variety of sexual confusion, I wasn't born with some disability, I  wasn't born into abject debilitating poverty.  Some of that is just plain luck.  I could have been born in a concentration camp in Germany. So many horrible possibilities, all of which passed me by. Every time I learn of someone driven to commit some terrible crime, I think, thank God that cup passed my lips.

Thursday, July 30, 2020

            I woke up shortly before 5:30. Elsa and I headed out for our walk. It was cold this morning. I took off my sweatshirt in preparation for driveway yoga; I was cold during the class.  I hear complaints from mainland residents about how hot it is where they live. Here in the tropics, it’s cool enough for me to wear a sweatshirt for most of the day.  Go figure!

            The day has been marked by tiredness and naps, lots of naps.  That feeling of mental fog that I was feeling yesterday continued today.  I feel somewhat brain dead. Scary.  I got some stuff done, vacuuming, and giving poor Elsa a much-hated bath.

            I am wondering why I am feeling the way I am. Has debilitating grief finally hit?  Do I finally feel alone?  I am not more alone now than I have been since Mike died, and I can call on his love for me and mine for him whenever I choose. I do feel more separate from some friends. They have their own lives. Is this what is bothering me?  Have I been protected from this?

            I connected with Elise the other day about getting my Phonics Discovery system audio files on YouTube.  Elise successfully combined all the tracks of a single story, flowing continuously instead of stopping after each track. But she was not able to combine it with the PowerPoint I had prepared.   The program demands that the audio file be added to the PowerPoint.  That program won’t allow long tracts to be attached. The audio file is about 10 minutes long.  There is no way to add the PowerPoint to the audio file with some other program.  The question is, how can I post the audio file without explaining what it is about?  I did that on the bandcamp.com site, but that went nowhere.

            I have a better handle on what I want to communicate with the article.  It’s really almost finished; well, another draft with some pretty dramatic changes is almost ready.  Then I’ll send it out to Dorothy and Shivani to review it.  I think this version is a lot clearer.  Writing it helped me get a clearer idea of how to use the method myself. 

            I told Scott and Yvette about my disappointment with posting the audio file after the yoga class.  God bless, Scott. He says there has to be a way to do this. Maybe I should think about designing my explanation of the program differently. I doubt anyone will know what effect the audio file can have from just listening to it.  I would never have suspected it myself if I hadn’t seen its impact on students and experienced the impact myself.

            I got an email from an old campmate who says he is getting malicious emails from me. I just realized they are in my maiden name.  Maybe he is getting them from my address and only didn’t include the -Ross.  

            I continued feeling sluggish and isolated. In response to that, the universe got to work. First, I got a call from Paulette asking me if I’d like some mango. They have six mango trees.  We have two.  Mango is not my favorite fruit. I prefer apples. I love the crunch and the slight sourness. Also, mango sap carries the same chemical toxin as poison ivy. Yuck!

            I called Zola. The dear lady has a daughter who was just operated on and is alone on the mainland.  Of course, air travel is out, so Zola can’t join her.  Yes, her daughter is a full-grown adult with adult children. The situation may be harder on Zola than on her daughter.  

            Next, I got a call from Judy. We were on forever, mostly talking about the current political and global situation. We have no solutions any more than anyone else does.  Well, maybe not anyone else. Some see an easy path out: open up, let people die, the economy is the priority, only trauma for children if there is no school, etc.  People who ‘know’ all the answers give me agita.  Bad, bad agita. 

            I went out for my walk with Elsa. I didn’t contact Darby because I didn’t think I could handle contact with another human being. I headed out in the opposite direction to deliberately avoid passing by her house.  The next thing I knew, I heard her calling my name.  Here she came running down the street after me. I had accidentally butt-dialed her. She had taken it as an invitation. Rather than wearing on me, her company was just the pick-up I needed. 

            Last night, I put a cup of uncooked rice in the Hot Pot. I got way more than I needed. Today I realized I could measure the amount I would need in a meal and freeze each portion separately.  I feel like I’m reinventing the wheel at the age of eighty. 

______ ______ _______

Musings:

            I watch a lot of English and Canadian shows. I am struck by the diversity in their casting.  It’s probably not quite up there with the casting of Hamilton, but close.  The cast is thoroughly integrated. There are also disabled people cast regularly. There is little mention of the handicap. As I watch, they become just another one of the characters. Very interesting.

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

 I got up at 6:30 after sleeping reasonably well. I had a lot of REM sleep with weird dreams, not nightmares.  I lived in a two-story house with walls decoratively painted with flowers.  My mother was there. ( She died in 2001.) There were too many people in the house for her. She retired to one of the upstairs bedrooms. There were only two.  It wasn't her bedroom.  I was concerned she didn't have a comfortable place to be in this environment. I have no idea who the other people in the dream were.  I had never met them before. It wasn't a bad dream, just the usual social discomfort that accompanies being with people you don't know very well. 

            When I put my pants on this morning, I got a great stretch in my left glutes. This is new. They are usually rock hard. I think they're releasing because I am using my right leg differently. I am pushing further over to the left with my right inner thigh.  I couldn't walk for long, too much strain.

            I called Dorothy while I walked. She said she was just walking up to a friend's house to swim in her private pool. She would call me back. She did later In the day.  She also sent a video of this person's backyard—a little paradise. 

            I called Jean M., my friend in Arizona, who is almost finished with her chemotherapy for her breast cancer.  She has been exhausted by the process, but nothing much worse. We haven't spoken in a dog's age because of her exhaustion. Today she was full of energy.  What a delight! We had lots of ground to cover.

            Jean had a bad experience with her GYN, who didn't follow procedure, referring Jean immediately to an oncologist. Instead, she did the surgery herself, subsequently ignoring Jean's complaints when she said her breasts hurt as she was healing. A severe breast infection took Jean to an emergency room, where she got the care she needed and put in a cancer doctor's hands. When the oncologist looked at her mammograms, it wound up that the GYN hadn't even read the images correctly. She was unqualified to do any of the work. Jean's oncologist has been trying to reach the GYN to discuss her work.  The woman refuses to answer.

            I told Jean to file a complaint with the AMA. This doctor was clearly at fault for gross negligence on any number of counts. Jean started with a personal injury lawyer.  I knew they wouldn't take her case because there was no injury. There would have been if she hadn't made it to the emergency room and gotten proper care for her infected breasts. But due to her actions, she didn't lose a body part or her life.  No personal injury lawyer will touch it. It's an unwinnable case.  I told her she has to complain to the supervising board that oversees the profession.  If the doctor accrues enough complaints, she can lose her license.

            I meditated, sitting on the kneeling bench again today. I could only do that for ten minutes because it put so much strain on my thigh muscles.  Again, I had to rock over to the side to get out of that position. Fortunately, it is a folding bench, and the legs collapse as I lean over to the side, making it easy for me to fall on the floor.  I completed the meditation in my chair.

            I am feeling sluggish, mentally slow again.  This isn't like me. I have no idea what is causing it. I don't think it is the grief over Mike's loss that has finally caught up to me. Not that I don't have moments like that. 

            Our wedding vows hang framed in our hallway.  We got married after living together for nine years.  Mike wanted to get married right away.  Today as I was doing my steps indoors, I read our wedding vows when I passed. "She reaffirmed the promise she made to him many years ago.  And now stepping with him into the stream of tradition, she prayed with Divine Assistance their relationship would deepen and grow." I think we accomplished what we set out to do.  We were in a committed relationship pretty much from the beginning.  We didn't get married because I didn't want to ruin the relationship.  My father told me that marriage is a good way to do that. I have heard that from other sources as well.  A therapist once told me that women become their mothers as they walk down the aisle. Boy, did I not want to be anything like my mother. 

            I did figure out how to fix the PowerPoint I had created and sent it and the audio files to Elise. She could combine all the separate tracks of each audio file, so they played sequentially without interruption, but she couldn't combine it with the PowerPoint I had created.  She said it was undoable.  I have to choose between a continuous audio file with a single image or a multiple image PowerPoint where the listener has to manually start each track.   Not ideal. That made me very sad. I have to figure out some way to get those audio files out there.  Just listening to them will make a difference for so many people. It seems to impact changes in the brain; I have seen it improve speech and reading with several students. 

            

___ _____

Musings:

            I'm watching Silent Witness again. The show is in its twenty-third season, and there have been tons of episodes per season.  I stopped watching it because it became too scary. The main characters were the victims. Jean had the same complaint about those later shows but told me they switched themes again. The main characters were no longer under attack. I watched a show on domestic abuse. The varieties of abuse were spectacular. 

            There were three cases of husbands who abused their wives, two physically and one mentally. There were three whites couples.  Then there was a white biker type abusing his black girlfriend, and a black woman abusing her very white girlfriend, then a court judge trying to get out from under sexual abuse charges.  They had every variety under the sun, making it clear that domestic abuse was not the sole domain of any particular class or race.  

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

I had insomnia last night. I spent some time agitating about the political situation. I'm stimulated by the book I'm reading, "White Fragility." I have understood that we are all prejudiced since my mid-twenties. I was in graduate school in Wisconsin when I heard a caller talk about it. He was a white man who had moved North because he couldn't stand the way people of color were treated in the south. He found just as much prejudice; it was just subtler, more hidden. He said we had to realize that we were born into a racist society, and it is inescapable. While none of us is free of prejudice, I think it's possible to compare ourselves on the national scale of prejudice. I am not a member of a white supremacist group. That means I'm not at the bottom of the scale. Where do I belong? I don't know that I can make that evaluation. Perhaps a person of color has a better sense of where I fit in.  

My distress was with people who assume they are not prejudiced; it's just that there is something wrong with all people of color. They see themselves in touch with reality. Oh, dear. Very distressing, very.

I got up late, too late to do much walking. Elsa and I did just enough for her to do her business. Then it was yoga. There were five of us today, and Joe, a regular, wasn't even there. I worked on straightening my right leg more, pushing into the inner thigh. My right leg is my good leg. By pushing into that thigh muscle, I raise the right hip, allowing the left to carry more weight. At the end of the class, I showed Yvette that telling us to pull up their abdominal muscles doesn't do it with twisted folks like me. I have to pull those muscles to the left and then up. My twist is caused by bad habits, unlike people who have a structural spinal curvature. That makes mine remedial. 

I meditated when yoga was over. I sat in the chair today rather than on the kneeling bench. My legs had been strained enough for the day. Of course, after the meditation, I needed my mid-morning nap. My friend from Ohio, who just got out of the hospital, called as I woke up. She is doing much better. She sounded amazingly energetic, given that she has been flat on her back for a month in a hospital fighting for her life. 

Elise called today. She got back from visiting friends and family on the mainland and will be quarantined for two weeks. She is one of the regular participants in Yvette's driveway yoga. When I announced in the class one day that I was looking for someone who could help me get my Phonics Discovery Systems audio files coordinated with a PowerPoint slide show and post them on YouTube, Yvette told me that Elise did that type of work. I had a few other names. I had checked out one. She charged $75 an hour and said she thought the job would take three hours. The price freaked me out, but so did her image of how long it would take. Elise said it would probably take something like fifteen minutes to do one. It may take longer, but the other woman overestimated. 

I was delighted when I heard that Elise might be someone I could work with. I like her, feel comfortable with her, and feel I can ask her to teach me how to do things, so it will require less time on her part. When I asked her how much she would charge, she said nothing. That's fine if we're talking about half an hour of work. If we are talking about something more complicated, I want to compensate her. I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill. I feel wonderful about having her as my helper. 

I tried to do some writing. My brain felt dead. I didn't know what was going on. I did one freewriting on one section of the article. It's a little like automatic writing. It's not great, but it's better than nothing. I couldn't do too much of that either. I went to Costco to do some shopping.

While I was watching TV, I sent Elise the files I wanted for YouTube. Well, guess what. I hadn't completed the work on the PowerPoint slideshow for the two audio files I had ready to send. I texted her that I would work on it the next day and then send it over.

When I got home, I did some more reading in white Fragility. I find this book very interesting.

__________ ____________ __________

Musings:

 

I don't do well with people who do what I consider simplistic thinkers. All___________, put in whatever you like, people of color, immigrants, Muslims, politicians, police, schoolteachers, etc. are bad/ or are good;  all existing institutions should be destroyed, flattened and we should just start from scratch. I have heard that about the police of late. 

Now, I have heard about the police department in the Camden Police Department. They defunded it, disband it, and started from scratch, only hiring police committed to a non-violent, community support approach to policing instead of a community control approach. But, they didn't just get rid of the police department. There must have been enough people on the force that were already committed to that point of view. They had a plan that focused on community building instead of suppression.

When I hear just negative thoughts, it scared me. I wish I knew why I had such a strong reaction. Now it is true that my mother thought that way. Whatever she thought had to be right. If I contradicted her, all hell blew loose. I learned late in her life; she felt put down if I held a different opinion from hers. Huh? Are you for real? She was completely embedded in her point of view.

Ironically, she always made me feel bad about my point of view, who set me free- somewhat- when I was about twelve. She came up to me and said, "If two people always think the same thing, there is only one mind at work." I can tell you exactly where we were standing when she said it to me.  I knew even then those words weren't hers; they were my father's. It wasn't just that she could not accept an opinion that contradicted her own; she would never have thought in such abstract terms. My mom was an intelligent woman, competent; it's just she would never have generated an abstract thought of that nature. You can imagine how the two of us clashed with each other. I would observe something that thrilled my father, and my mother would turn into a maniac. It was shocking, scary, and I had no idea what I had done wrong. How could something be received with delight by one parent and rage, terror, anger from the other? Crazy making! I hope I can overcome my visceral reaction to absolute thinkers before I die. First off, it is that fear that keeps me from presenting my work to the world. I know there is someone out there that will respond with murderous rage to something I say

I gave a talk at an English as a Second Language conference on a method to teach pronunciation I had developed. The room was packed, standing room only. Would you believe one man got angry at me? There is always someone triggered by something you have to say, or at least what I have to say. So scary!

We once had a couple over for dinner. The husband went on a half-hour tirade against the educational system. This was the second time he had pushed his point of view, not backing off when he saw I was uncomfortable. I had to cut off the relationship between that couple. I was having nightmares. I still feel fear rise in my breast when I even think of him. It may not be his fault that I have these fears, but I do. I do not feel an obligation to suffer.

Monday, July 27, 2020

                I took fewer pictures on my early morning walk after getting up at 6:30.  I woke up at 5:30 but forced myself to stay in bed. I ran into Tammy, who expressed concern about the hurricane the other day.  I said, “See!” We haven’t been hit by a hurricane yet on this side of the Big Island. We haven’t even had a big storm. Tammy smiled.  I told her, next time, keep your eye on your neighbors. If they panic, then it’s time for you to go into action.

            I checked my email. I finally got an answer to my ad for tutoring from a woman with three kids in 3rd, 4th and 7th grade. She said she would call back in the evening after work. Then I  meditated. 

            Since the gardening experience on my knees yesterday, I decided to use my meditation bench, patiently waiting for me all these years.  I put a towel under my shins to take the weight off my knees. I didn’t feel the stretch in my glutes. I felt it in the muscles at the top of my thighs. Boy, are my muscles tight.  I was concerned when I wanted to come out of the position.  Yvette was still home. I could scream for her. I managed to come out of my lying down on my side, and then I unfolded my legs while still having the bench attached to my tush. Fortunately, it’s a bench with collapsible legs. 

            I did a lot of work on the article today.  I adopted the strategy that came to my mind yesterday while meditating – just write and then write about the same thing again.  It helps me clarify my thoughts. Maybe there’s even something I can use about it.  What it did help me do was reorganize some of the article.  

            I finally called a friend from the church I’ve been meaning to call.  She invited me for lunch, but I’m reluctant to go because of the virus. I suggested that we could walk on the beach together. Then I read that one of her children was just operated on for cancer. Two of her children have already died.  This woman and her husband have been through more than anyone should ever have to go through.  She proposed to Judy that we all get together.  Judy told her that I probably wouldn’t be up for that.  However, she has a fantastic open-air lanai.  We could all gather there.  I have to remember to tell her that I’m prepared to bring some take-out. It sounded like I invited myself to her house and expected her to provide the food.  I don’t usually eat lunch.  A large lunch serves as my dinner. 

            Before I went for my before-dinner walk, I called Darby to ask her if she wanted to join me. I ran into her in front of her house yesterday on my evening walk.  She said the most amazing thing to me. She said when she is with me, she feels like a child again.  She meant it in the sense of being playful.  I can’t think of a higher compliment.  Darby had a stroke last year. She has had an almost complete recovery. Tonight she told me that she regained her hearing in her left ear. She had lost in utero because her mom her the German measles when she was pregnant with her. How’s that for weird.

            Marissa from Progressive called when I got home.  She was planning to go through the spreadsheet with me and answer my questions.  Then she asked if it would be better if she answered the questions by email.  Definitely. 

            I tried another of the frozen salmon patties.  I pan-fried it and put a small slice of onion on top. It was somewhat better. I have to check, but I suspect there is just too much salt mixed in. It was better but still not great.

            All the shows I have been watching are done or continued on a different service than I currently have. If I joined all the services available, I’d have to get a job.  I started  watching “Keeping Faith.” I think I’ve seen it before and abandoned it. We’ll see.

____ ____ ____

Musings:

 

            Health concerns about masks versus free choice. 

            A colleague of mine from Ohio posted an objection to the mandated use of masks. I responded with outrage.  I feel that those who argue against it based on free choice are off the wall.  I draw an analogy to a drunk feeling it should be his/he right to get behind the wheel when dead drunk. Both may cause the death of another person.

            However, when my colleague got back to me, her problem wasn’t a free choice; it was health concerns for the mask wearers.  This is a concern. Some cannot wear masks without risking their health, those who suffer from breathing problems.  I have also heard that masks make some people sick. Inhaling that fetid air continuously cannot be good for anyone.     

            I am fortunate. I do not have to leave my home often.  When I do, I grab my mask that has been hanging on my rearview mirror since the last time I was out. The Hawaiian sun sterilizes it between uses. I hold it while I approach the store, put it on when I get close to others, and take it off when I get out of the store. I believe my colleague is talking about having to wear hers all day long.

            While we know that wearing a mask helps prevent the spread, we have to consider those negatively affected by wearing the mask.  The recommendation, requirement that masks be worn is based on current information.  I am reminded that many Covid patients were intubated when they had trouble breathing.  It became clear that the intubation caused its own problems.  Medical professionals sought different solutions.  They came up with one or two. Likewise, we need to find alternative solutions to mask-wearing for those made ill by wearing them extensively.

            I haven’t heard a discussion on this topic.  It’s important. One suggestion I heard was on mask hygiene.  The post said, “Treat your mask the way you do your underwear.”  Change it often; clean it before wearing it again. I would think that people who have to wear masks all day long should change them every hour or so. So in eight hours, they would need to come to work with eight masks. Or alternatively, there should be some way of sterilizing the mask at work, maybe putting it in a microwave. 

            The other option is to not cover the nose for some vulnerable people.  Speaking, coughing and sneezing are mostly expelled through the mouth, not through the nose. That means mask wearers would be protecting others.  If anyone else is wearing a mask, hopefully, those with naked noses would be protected.

            On the other hand, I have spoken to folks right here on the island that poo-poo masks wearing, saying we only have three cases here on the Big Island. They weren’t clear if we only had three because most of us are careful or not. They also put forth the health argument. That one, I agree, is a problem.  We need a solution to that problem. 

            I speak to people from all sides of the argument who collapse health concerns, individual rights, and politics.  These issues shouldn’t be conflated. 

Sunday, July 26, 2020

            The ground was bone dry this morning as Elsa and I took our walk.  Hurricane Douglas certainly hadn't hit us last night.  I looked for someone on my walk that could give me the latest information. I asked one woman.  She mumbled something. I realized she didn't speak English.  The second person I ran into did.  He said the hurricane had bypassed the Big Island entirely but would slam into Maui, Oahu, and Kauai.  Those of us living on the west side of the Big Island are in a sweet spot.  If it does come directly at the island, the mountains steal its power, and we don't get hit hard. Hilo, on the east side of the island, can get hit pretty badly. On the west side, we can only get hit if the hurricane passes to the south, veering around the bottom of the island, then coming up the west side. Even then, it is generally heading further west and out to sea. Again the other islands in the chain are vulnerable. 

            The man who gave me the news is Carol's husband. It was she who offered to bring me some fish if her husband caught one. Phil said they caught a 600 lb. marlin.  That was too much for them to deal with, and they let it go.

            As we were talking, Julie came along.  When I saw her the other day, she said her husband was out fishing.  I thought it odd that Carol's husband and Julie's husband were fishing on the same day.  As they talked together, it was clear that the two men had been out together. It could well be they all met while walking in the neighborhood.

            I meditated and then went down for my early morning nap. Meditating is making me very tired.  As I meditated, thoughts about people I was angry with came to mind. Some of the' offenses' were twenty years old.  I stopped and realized my anger was out looking for a target.   It was just easier to sink my teeth into my feelings about them. I think the current political situation and the virus is the cause of my anger. I'm probably more scared, and I converted it into anger. When I sat with the fear, things went much better. 

            Dorothy called just as I went down for my nap. I called her when I got up. I wanted to do some gardening, but I can't spray vinegar while talking to her.  The sprayer pump makes an annoying sound. We talked about things in general, books we were reading, medical problems, social connections.  I got down on my hands and knees while we spoke and cut out a weed growing in one of my bushes.  It reminds me of an asparagus fern. It may be an asparagus fern, but I'm not sure.  What I am sure about is it has prickly needles. I also learned that I should spend a lot more time on my hands and knees. It stretches out my glutes.

Once I was up, I went around the back of the house to get the container I use to dump the green waste.  I saw some haole koa saplings coming up.  If you don't pull them out in time, they are impossible to get rid of. No plant killer works on them. Not the strongest on the market, not Clorox or gasoline. Nothing works except pulling them out by the roots. This moment is notable because getting to them required me to walk up a short grassy knoll.  Every time in the past, when I have looked at this area, I have clearly understood that I would not make it up and back down again on my own. This time, I took it on without a thought.  Something good is going on.

            After I got off the phone with Dorothy, I called Shivani. She didn't answer but called me back shortly afterward on Facetime. That way, I can watch Sidney at play while we talk. Calling her on the phone is like an actual visit.  Life goes on. She doesn't say, "I have to go. Sidney is choking the kitten." Problems like that are dealt within the context of the conversation. Lovely. 

            Today he dumped a large container of Legos.  Shivani groaned and told him he had to pick them up. He said, "No!" She explained he had discovered free ill. He's three. He's three. Look at him; he's three.

            I finished my work on the spreadsheet detailing the Progressive Summary Sheets from 2018 to  July of 2020. Given the random increases and decreases and lack of explanation, I'm beginning to believe the accounting department is run by chimpanzees who punch numbers randomly. I sent the spreadsheet and a list of specific questions to Marissa from Progressive.  

            Damon called.  We hadn't spoken in a while. He, Cylin, and August had gone for a short vacation to a beach house in Malibu. The house was lovely, right on the beach with the water crashing on the rocks below the balcony.  The driveway was another matter.  It was short and exited right onto Pacific Coast Highway. He had to pull out into six-five to seventy mph traffic from a dead stop.  There were a few other downers, but they adjusted and enjoyed themselves. 

            Damon and I talked a bit about Mike. We both feel he is here for us. Damon told me they set the picture of Mike and me in the kitchen, where they see it every day. It radiates joy and love. 

            I told Damon how my life coach cried when she felt our love for each other.  We also spoke about his death.  The event was undramatic. It was weird.  Yvette and I were in the room, taking turns lying in bed with him.  Damon and Cylin were on Facetime from LA. Fortunately, we had two phones. When one ran out of juice, we used the other. We told some stories; I read a little.  When he took his last breath, Damon said, "No, wait. I think he's going to take another one. "and "That was it. He's gone." We packed up and left. It was nothing spectacular.  I didn't lean over and kiss him goodbye. He had left a while ago. 

            The doctors told us that they never expected him to last that long. We think he held on because he so enjoyed watching the four of us together. He cared about everyone there. I like to believe he got satisfaction believing that those kids would look out for me, and he wouldn't have to worry about me. Everything about my life with Mike was just right, including his death. 

            When he died, I remember my greatest sorrow was for the world he was leaving behind that he had so much left to give.  My second sorrow was for Mike, who loved volunteering and had so much left to give.  I have compared my loss to my niece's, Shivani, whose husband died at barely forty, two years into their marriage shortly after buying their house. It's the lost dreams that hurt. For Mike, it was his lost dream to become a spiritual director and all he had to give the parish. But in terms of our marriage, we lived in the moment. We were happy with it as it was. Not to say we weren't still works in progress. But that didn't erase the contentment we felt. Everyone once in a while, I would actually check with him. I would ask him if he was satisfied as I was.  I couldn't believe that I had managed to cocreate a life that was that easy and complete.

______ ____ _____

Musings:

 

              Hospitals aren't sued when they tell the truth.

            Statistics show that hospitals are not sued if they apologize for mistakes and explain what happened. We have a greater need to know than we need revenge or compensation.

 

             

____ ____ _____

Musings:

 

Finished A Very Short Introduction to Hobbes:

            I was familiar with Hobbes from when I was a child.  No, I didn't study him or read any of his work.  For some reason, this is one of the topics my father brought up.   I knew that Hobbes wrote the Leviathan and proposed that people agreed to submit their absolute freedom to civil authority, so we all get protection from each other. 

            As it winds up, Hobbes believed that it was the sovereign's job to define morality. Whatever he said, I'm sure it was a he, went.   He believed in absolute rule. He had one exception: every man had a right to fight for his own survival.

            Two problems with his theory: one, he assumes an absolute ruler has his own sh-t together.  He forgot that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Therefore, the best sovereign can be corrupted by his own success. Second, people define their 'survival' differently. Some define it physically.  However, many people define their right to 'survive' more broadly.  The slave owners of the antebellum south defined 'survival' as having to do with their lifestyle.  Those who argue for preserving their elite lifestyle as related to their physical survival are not entirely wrong.  The wealthy do have better access to food and medical care, not to mention housing and police protection.  How much do we need before our physical survival is at stake?    

Saturday, July 25, 2020

             After driveway yoga, Elsa and I did some more walking. I didn't do too much. I am learning to use my right leg more.  My right inner thigh started to complain. Fantastic! This means I'm onto something new. I meditated and napped. 

            Then I sat down to fill in the spreadsheet for the Progressive Premium payments since 2018. Those premiums went up and down. There was little consistency from one period to another. I suspect now that the stonewalling I got from the agents results from not wanting to deal with this confusion.  It took me hours of work. Of course, I didn't know what I was looking for. There may be a claim in there. If not, I can make a complaint to the state insurance agency. 

            Saturday is my NPR shows. I spent most of the day doing housecleaning as I listened.  I didn't get any work done on the article, but I did generate a way of getting that conclusion written.  I will write the rough draft in an angry, impatient voice – and then revise it.

            My friend from my time in Ohio let me know she was going home after a month in the hospital. She was suffering from severe diarrhea, and several organs were going the way of all flesh.  No one knew what the problem was.  They figured it out yesterday: it was her blood medication that was causing all these problems.  

            So many people couldn't be happier to take medications.  My Mike was that way.  It is possible that the medications he took for years and years and years caused his kidney failure and his pancreatitis. No, I'm not angry at him. I followed my own path, and sometimes, it backfired. I have harmed myself while trying to do good. For my part, I'd rather go down following my own path than follow advice I'm not comfortable with.  

            Recently my doctor put me on statins. Other doctors have tried before. I agreed to take a low dosage.  What I discovered was that the medication made me feel weird. It did something to my muscles.   When I told Dorothy about it, she told me that she had the same medication reaction. She said she'd rather die earlier than suffer on the medication.

Friday, July 24, 2020

          

            I was able to get good videos of our local pheasants this morning. There was one group that had a least four babies.  It was hard to tell because they are all brown. When they are grown, it is only the females who are brown. The males are black with some grey or white feathers and some red markings on their faces. 

            We also ran into Laurie, who has developed a crush on Elsa- her words.  I got a video of her holding her to send to family, devotees of Elsa. 

            I meditated before I did much else. When I was through with that, I was tired and napped. I set my alarm for 10:40 because I wanted to get up and shower before Kai called. Kai is the fellow who bought my Prius last Saturday. Because I had an Ohio title instead of one from Hawaii, we decided that I should go to the DMV with him if there were problems.

            He texted me to tell me he was at the DMV and had received a number. That was my cue to head down there. I still had a long wait time. Our number was M521.  The M numbers called went  M125, M111, M 543, M 325, etc.  They were all over the map. There was no logic to the sequence. We had no way of knowing when we might be called. I got a good amount of reading done. When it was called. I told Kai to go on ahead of me.  It took me a minute to get my hip in gear. 

            The last time I was at the DMV, I walked straight to the assigned window without the Covid quiz. Today, I was stopped by someone as I entered who asked me if I had a number, told me to sanitize my hands, and took my temperature.  This was quite an improvement. The DMV hasn't entirely caught up to Target, Safeway, and Costco, but things are certainly better.

            I stood back from Kai, who was standing at the window. The clerk finally looked at me and asked me if I was waiting for something.  (Note how polite and nonconfrontational. Ah!) I explained I was the seller.  I had come along with him because we anticipated there might be a problem with the Ohio title.  She asked me if I had a picture ID.  I gave her my driver's license. She took it somewhere. As I think about it now, she probably Xeroxed it.  After she did that, I asked if she still needed me. She said no, and I left.

            As I walked back to the car, sadness hit. Another piece of my shared life with Mike was gone. I 'sat with it' while I walked.  Our shared life on this earth may be gone, but my share 'whatever it was' is not. When I focus on him, I can feel his love for me and my love for him. Ah! That's what our life together was all about. How lucky was I!

            The book I read while waiting was boring, mostly because I am very familiar with the ideas.  I generally read every word diligently.  I started just skimming the text. I assumed that it would jump out if something was interesting to me, and I could read that passage in more detail.

            I headed off to the UPS store to return a book to Amazon I double ordered.  When I parked, I noticed that I was too close to the parking space's left-hand side.  I hoped that someone would take my bad parking into consideration and not use the spot next to me. When I came out, there was another Kia parked too close for me to be able to get into the car door.  I went to all the shops on that side of the strip mall.  I finally found the driver in the nail shop.  Someone thought to comment about my lousy parking job, but not the woman in the other Kia.

            I went to Safeway next to pick up a few things.  I bought two Regular sized Hersey's Milk Chocolate Bar with almonds.  I was shocked at the price as I checked out, $1.67. They're usually $1.21 on the high side and never more than $.90 at Safeway.  I wonder if this is the new normal. 

            When I got home, I unloaded the food, plugged in the car to recharge it, hung up the laundry I put in the wash before I left, and called Geico to drop my Prius from my car insurance.  The second car is much cheaper with Geico than the first. I also asked if there would be a discount on my auto insurance if I got renter's insurance. She said yes, there would be a discount, but there was a moratorium on new renter's insurance until Wednesday because of the hurricane.  Apparently, there is a rush to get property insurance right before a storm.  My guess is the same people then cancel their coverage after the storm has passed.

            I wanted to get writing done on the article today but didn't. Neither did I do more work on tabulating Progressive's premium's ups and downs.  When I wrote them all down in chronological order, the amount goes up and down like an irregular heartbeat.  I am rethinking the reason the Progressive agents dissed me.  They know how complex the problem is. I planned to create a spreadsheet with all the data; then ask specific questions about why the premiums went up or down at a specific time.  All the confusion may not be outright corruption, just incompetence.

            Yvette brought the mail in. There was one letter for Mike from a local office.  It was a bill for a therapist's appointment he missed on February 2, 2019.  At that point, he was in the ICU and intubated. I called and left a message asking if the missed appointment fee could be forgiven.

            My alarm went off at 5 pm. I went out and stopped charging the car. Five pm is the latest we can be sure to get enough sun to power the solar panels, so it costs nothing to charge the car.  I have an hour and a half to go before the battery is fully charged. I'll complete that tomorrow. While I was out there, I moved my car to the graveled area so the driveway was clear for tomorrow's yoga. 

Thursday, July 23, 2020

            Elsa and I were up and out early this morning. The sun was nowhere in sight. It was cool. My sweatshirt was a welcome cover. I ran into any number of fellow walkers today. Carol came down the hill with her little schnauzer off-leash. He ran over to Elsa and sniffed away.  She sat down and covered her privates. This was a 'me-too moment.  Carol told me that her husband was out fishing.  Did I want some if they caught anything?  Yes. She said she would drop it off. As I approached my house, Julie, who lives on a cross street, told me that her husband was also out fishing this morning. She asked me about the farm next door.  She wanted to order food from them but didn't' have the contact information.  I had to move on because I had yoga this morning. I went in and fed Elsa before I went out to get a few more steps in before it was time for yoga.

            As I approached the closed gate, Scott was holding Elsa up so we could see each other. I took a shot to send to the family on the mainland. They're Elsa fans.  There were only three students today again. More had said they were planning to come but backed out. I spent most of the time lying down, modifying Yvette's directions to my position. After class, she told me I was looking much better, straighter.  Pushing my tight muscles causes pain, but, as usual, afterward, I am better off.

            When I came inside, I checked my email and read the latest output of Quora Digest. It's a gossip column; shame on me. I'm mostly following posts about the British royals. I'm getting sick of information about Meagan and Harry, but Queen Elizabeth becomes more and more enjoyable. She is understated and subtle. Apparently, she has a great sense of humor. 

            There's a story of someone who came up to her and told her how much she looked like the Queen. Elizabeth's response, "That's good." On another occasion, someone came up and asked her if she had ever met the Queen.  She said, "No, but he has," pointing to her bodyguard. She has a wicked sense of humor. There are lots of shots of her laughing. How great is that! Getting to know her better is a balm for my aching insides when looking at the worldwide political situation.

            I called my friend Melissa with a follow-up question from yesterday.  I had heard that someone was afraid that her baby would be taken away from her if she had Covid. That freaked me out on two counts.  One if it's true and second that anyone is that paranoid.  Melissa is an OBGYN surgeon who travels to Australia, among other places, to deliver babies for free.  I asked her if there was any truth to this fear. She told me that babies are sometimes removed from their mothers if the mother is deadly ill, on a respirator.  The baby is given to another family member if such a person is available. It sounded like the mother would have to be close to unconscious because of the seriousness of her illness. Their milk quality couldn't be very good, and it would seriously drain the mother of whatever energy she had left.  I can imagine mothers who would still want to nurse, even knowing that they were putting their own lives at serious risk.  I assume it would be up to the other family members if the mother couldn't make that decision. I felt better about the current situation. We are not up to a point yet where we are forced to do things that affect our own lives and our children's lives – unless, of course, you are an immigrant. I suppose if the government is prepared to treat immigrants that way, can the rest of us be far behind?

            I alternated between working on my article about my reading method and going through all the papers Marissa had emailed from Progressive.  After going through them, I can imagine that people dismissed my questions because the answers are difficult to ferret out.  The premiums go up and down without any logic or any attempt to explain them. The premiums change, and it clearly says in one section where it says there is no change. Very confusing.  I will put all the information on a spreadsheet so I can easily follow the ups and downs. Some of the ups may just be because of rate hikes, but that's not stated in the premium notice. Sometimes a rate hike or decrease is noted, but it doesn't match the premium amounts. No wonder no one wanted to answer my questions. 

            I had charged the Kia, my electric car, up till five pm yesterday when the solar panels no longer get enough direct light to charge for free.  I plugged the car in again today to finish the charging.  Up till this point, the full charge registered at 24 units. Today it registered at 26 units. It's not 26 miles in a strict sense. I'll figure it out over time. It does seem that the car uses less energy as it gets broken in. It's interesting to follow.

            Judy called.  Her son Matt has been working for several years on writing a musical. They have finally put together a presentation to pitch to producers. She is going to send me the pitch.  It sounds like nothing I have seen him do before. She also told me Adam is feeling better. It started with Jazzy having a sore throat and a temperature. As she got better, he got sick.  But both are doing better now.

            Damon called.  He, Cylin, and August had taken a four-day vacation at a beach house in Malibu. He went through the plusses and minuses.  The biggest problem was the house was right on the Pacific Coast Highway.  The house had a short driveway.  They had to go from a dead stop to over sixty miles an hour to get out of the driveway. Yikes! That was scary.  I always wondered about those homes. It seemed that the noise from the highway would be bothersome.  Damon said it was quiet once you were in the house.  They only heard the sound of the waves crashing beneath their balcony.

            On my walk this evening, I had an encounter with the sidewalk Nazi. I was walking in the street, facing oncoming traffic. When this car turned onto the street, I was almost at the top of Nehiwa. I pulled Elsa over.  We were both standing on the grass, well off the street. The driver of the truck stopped and pointed frantically toward the house on the top of the block. I got that he was angry, but I couldn't figure out what he was about for the life of me.  Then I remembered that young woman I passed one night who was upset because someone had yelled at her for not walking on the sidewalk.  Everyone walks in the street here. The road is all of two blocks long. It is rare to have two cars on the street simultaneously, no less one going in each direction. I think I will call the police department to see if this man has a right to bully walkers- or for that matter, run us over.     

_____ _____ ____

Musings:

 

            Shivani posted a video on Facebook showing two men passing out free face masks to people out on a seaside walkway in California.  This one couple was sitting there without masks. They said they didn't need them because they were going to heaven and asked the young men," Where are you going."

            I find it interesting that many of these folks insist that their civil liberties are under attack if someone forces them to wear masks. Are these the people who think that same-sex couples shouldn't be allowed to marry? Actually, I heard today a Baptist pastor proposed a solution to the homosexual problem: take them all out and shoot them.  I don't know if he also claims that the government he says should do the 'right thing' and kill them all also has no right to make him wear a mask.

            Wearing a mask is not just for our protection; it is for the protection of others. It's up there with driving while drunk.  You may be able to drive home safely and not kill someone; then again, you may not.  Any of us may walk safely among others and cause no harm; on the other hand, we may not. We may be personally responsible for the death of another person. I find logical inconsistencies in the thinking of those who take an extreme position. 

            Everyone has a right to put their money on the horse of their choice.  But some people believe those who disagree with and support their positions are evil.  And those who do support their cherished positions are, by definition, good.  This is hard for me. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

 

The debate about opening schools continues. I repeat my only definitive opinion: thank God the decision doesn't rest in my hands.  I can see positive and negative consequences with all decisions.  

            I printed out the Progressive statements from 2018 to July 2020 that Marissa, the Progressive agent I have been working with, sent me.  Besides the regular summary statements that come every six months, I have any number that came in between. Now have to calculate where the changes came in and why. I also called National Car Rental today and got a copy of the accident summary for Mike's accident in November 2018.  It doesn't give Mike's name, but it uses the word 'he' repeatedly to describe what happened.  Whatever else has happened in my lifetime, I have been spared that confusion in my sexual identity. I am a clear unadulterated 'she.' Whenever I spoke to Progressive to ask them why the premium amount wasn't reduced when I took Mike off the account, they gave me some bullshit about being in an accident. Yes, but what is the likelihood of him having another one after he had been dead for several months? It's the illogic that drives me crazy. They create facts to fit the story. It is top-down reasoning that excludes any form of logic. I think this is what 'the alternative truth' looks like.  I don't devalue top-down reasoning, but not when it is totally contradicted by facts. 

            When I shopped at Costco, they had everything on my list except the almond milk I like. I  bought asparagus on an impulse.  I don't know if I can eat that much of it and still like it. We'll see.  Some of it will probably go to waste. This is the problem of being a single-person household. I wandered up and down the refrigerator and freezer aisles to see what is available.  The problem is that I have to buy without knowing if I will like it, and it is always a quantity appropriate for a family of ten.  I could be in the same situation I am in now with my salmon patties. They looked good, but I don't like the taste.  I will try doctoring them the way John Z recommended, mayonnaise and lemon juice, and maybe a slice of sweet onion.  If that doesn't work, I'll experiment. 

            My new electric car used 15 electrical units to drive 12 miles. Huh? There is no way Costco is 12 miles from my home. One way, maybe six. I'm going to have to monitor the end trip reports.  

            I had a session with Shelly. I worked on acceptance of the current world situation: grief over what is becoming of my country, acceptance that we are heading for a totalitarian state, one way or another. I will write more of my thoughts under musings. Shelly could feel Mike's love for me and was deeply moved. Maybe that's why I'm doing so well because I  can feel his love for me. When I focus on it, I can feel it more than when I don't.  It fills my heart.  While I feel it at all times, I have to pay attention to get the full effect. It was easier when he was alive. He was right here.  I didn't have to remember that he was here. All I had to do was look up or wait for his phone call. His hugs and kisses were the absolute best. I know how lucky I have been to have had a partner that I loved and who loved me. But then again, how am I defining love. 

            Love is different for everyone. For us, it was an energetic merging that filled our hearts and left us deeply satisfied, and allowed us to both be separate individuals at the same time. We each grew in our own way.  We supported each other.  Mike supported my choices even if he couldn't cope with some of them.  He never thought they were actually bad choices, harmful for me or anyone else, just a little too risky for his taste.

____ ___ ___

Musings:

            On the coming totalitarianism. 

            Oh, dear.  I see it as a tsunami that is just coming.  If it were just in the US, I wouldn't be so overwhelmed. But I'm hearing it coming from all over the world. On a good note: I hear Grassroot movements moving in the opposite direction. We're living in 'interesting times.' 

            I believe this move to conservatism, returning to a simpler time, is a result of globalism.  No, I am not afraid of a single global leader imposing a rigid dictatorship.  But I do think that the rapid rate of change in my lifetime has been too much for many people. 

People want a secure knowledge of the rightness of their being.  They want to know that the way they live, what they believe, is beyond question.  People want to believe that they represent the 'norm' for humanity.

            I remember an anthropology teacher telling us that for primitive tribes, the word for human is the same as the word for their tribal name. That means that anyone who wasn't a member of their tribe wasn't human. Their lives didn't matter. Sound familiar? 

            These rapid transitions challenge who we are, forcing us to deal with people of other religions and other cultures.  Some people were raised with people of some other identity than they are used to. They found some way of incorporating associating with this other group into their concept of self. But the rapid influx of immigrants due to dramatic changes in their own lands caused by war or climate change or marauding gangs is overwhelming people.  Besides the problems caused by immigration, there is the Internet, which eliminates the protection of distance from the other.  We are all walking side by side.  

            There's a book out called White Fragility, which discusses the challenge to white egos to have to reconsider their white privilege as something other than a given, something they get because they are 'deserving' instead of just 'white.' We're being challenged, left, and right.

            It is hard on the nerves.  Many want to contract into a smaller space, the space they used to live in—a great idea but no longer an option. We've brought this on ourselves with our technological advances.  To return to our simpler life, we'd have to give it up and retreat to a time before TV, if not before commercial air flight  I think we might be able to keep our local telephone companies, but I don't think much more than that.

            Our intelligence is destroying us.