Good news: Mike is heavily sedated and comfortable.
Bad news: They did an EKG because Mike’s pulse was so rapid and found some irregularities in his heart. I think we are nearing the end.
Yvette set the clock for 6 am so we could get up and do the laundry before we left for the hospital. Forget that! Back to sleep, we went. We’ll try to leave a little earlier tonight and to get it done. While I’ve been able to change my underwear and shirt every day, my pants and sweatshirts (2) have not been washed for 5 weeks. Hmmm! I seem to do dirty well.
I had a restless night. I felt Mike’s presence but also felt that he was struggling to decide whether to live or die. When I first felt his ambivalence, I was somewhat upset. Here I had made my peace with his death, and now he was changing the plan. I thought that he wanted to live because of all the incredible love he was getting and witnessing. I hadn’t been able to kiss him on the forehead much since he came to the ICU because I wasn’t tall enough to reach it. I told the nurse my problem, and she said, “I’ll get you a stool.” Then I could comfortably reach over the rail and kiss his forehead for minutes at a time and tell him how much I loved him, what a beautiful human being he was, and how everything he had done in this lifetime was enough. Struggling with myself to come to terms with his living instead of dying, I reminded him that if he did it for God, himself, me our marriage and the broader community – in that order, all would be well. Then I got this image of him sitting on the lanai with Elsa, our 12 lb. dog, on his lap just soaking in the sun and all the love that everyone had to give him. It was an exhilarating image. For Mike to allow himself to receive without giving back would be huge. He never quite understood my point of view that allowing people to give to you is one way to give to others. As in comedy, timing is everything. I was afraid to call this morning and have my image smashed, so I didn’t.
When I got up, my back was good, even better than it had been. Yvette and I were up and dressed pretty quickly. The ashram didn’t serve oatmeal for breakfast this morning. There were two dishes with potatoes. Ok. Yvette enjoyed the spiciness of the food. I enjoyed eating outside and looking at the banyan tree.
The first stop was Safeway. By now, I don’t need Lady Gaga to find my way around – a lot. I picked up a box of envelopes because I have to mail a document, some trail mix, and 3 Hersey chocolate bars with WHOLE almonds. Then off to the hospital.
Mike was receiving dialysis when we arrived. He certainly didn’t look different. I did some kissing, and Yvette continued rubbing and massaging his arms and legs. Yesterday, when I was kissing him, the connection was solid, and he became hot. I’d like to believe there was healing going on. (There was no sign that he was hot- and bothered.) Today, however, the connection seemed weak. I wasn’t sure what was going on. Had I been dead wrong about his changed intentions? Was he focusing so hard on surviving that he couldn’t exchange energy with me?
The respiratory therapist came in and told us that he was the same. I had told Mike both interpsychically and directly that if he wanted to survive, he was going to have to start breathing on his own. The therapist said he was doing some of that. It is possible to initiate the breath even when the ventilator is set to do it for you. In fact, when he was in the ICU the first time, they were going to remove the tube from his throat because he was breathing mostly on his own when he just pulled it out himself. Apparently, this is not an uncommon action because the thing is a horribly uncomfortable feeling.
I was beside myself with joy at the possibility that he was, in fact, breathing on his own initiation. Sadly, it came out he had been doing some of that all along, just not enough to count for much. Not only had there been no positive change, but his pulse was also beating at 160 a minute, and they were concerned for him. They brought in an EKG machine. The results showed some irregularity in the heart. Mike’s heart was strong when we first arrived at the hospital. If that is going, it means his body is so compromised by the disease, the heart can’t serve his body anymore. It is possible at this point that he may suffer cardiac arrest. Damon and I have said that we don’t want them to bring him back if it comes to that. The palliative team told us that resuscitation probably wouldn’t be effective anyway. No point in subjecting his body to more torture.
Damon and I had agreed with the palliative team to meet with them once a week. The appointment hadn’t been set up for this week. The ICU nurse finally communicated with the palliative nurse that we wanted another conference. Gina, the nurse on the team, actually came to Mike’s room to talk to me. Monday seemed to be out because the doctor was out of town, but she would be in town until Tuesday. I called Damon, and he arranged a convenient time for himself. I am available at any time.
I had told Damon that I thought we were nearing an endpoint. I think he still wanted to hear it officially from the doctors. We both want to wait for Dr. Izawa to come back and contribute some input. I fully support Damon in what he is doing.
I asked the palliative nurse would it be better if we let him die of kidney disease by denying him dialysis or letting him die of respiratory failure by removing the intubation tube and basically letting him suffocate to death. She said the latter would be more humane. They would give him morphine to relieve the discomfort and fear that would accompany the experience. I also asked if I could be in bed with him holding him while he passed. I don’t want to keep him back from leaving, I just want him to be filled with love while he goes. I want being loved deeply to be his last moment on earth.
I had already asked Yvette to stay until Sunday, now I asked her to stay longer. I would like her to participate in this event. She has known Mike since she was 6 years old. She and Damon, who was three when they met, bonded immediately. These two kids loved each other deeply. The bond has not been as strong with them as adults – so far. They have taken very different paths in life. But I suspect that it will be strengthened by this shared experience. Many relationships have had an opportunity to shift due to the circumstances. Most for the better and one for the worse. Well, you can’t win them all.
Today wasn’t just a day to visit with Mike, Another part of our ohana was here, too. Mike and I share a house with Yvette and her husband, Josh. We live upstairs, and they live downstairs. Because the house is built into a mountain, we each live on the ground level with two ground-level entrances. Brian, or B., lives in another building on our property. We consider ourselves a hanai family, an ohana.
B. is recovering from surgery to remove a slow-growing tumor from his lung. He was awake when I came down; he’s in the 4th floor ICU, Mike’s in the 5th floor one. I helped him call him grandson and his father to let them all know that he made it out of surgery. While he was in pain, he was doing all right.
When I came back up, it was almost time to leave. Yvette and I had to go early today to make sure we could do the laundry. When I got to the ashram, I changed into a terry cloth bathrobe I had just bought and threw my two sweatshirts and pants into the laundry bag. Yvette went back to our cabin, fashioned a sarong out of a bedsheet, and threw all her clothes in, too. (We had someone take a picture of us.) She had only brought clothes enough for one day. Now she was staying at least until Sunday and possibly longer. She doesn’t do dirty as well as I do.
We had the laundry in the machine by 6 and went to have dinner. Over dinner, Govinda told us that the Muslims created the word Hindu for what we now consider the Hindu religion. It is not the name they gave or give to themselves. It seems it was generated by the name of the Indus river. I was wondering if it was initially a prerogative.
After dinner, I threw our clothes into the dryer, and we both went back to the cabin. Yvette told me when it was time to pick the clothes up. I did that. I folded and sorted the clothes. Yvette noticed her bra was missing and went back over to look for it in the dryer. Winds up, she had left it in the bathroom. Guess she’ll have to dirty after all.
I got myself ready for bed. Yvette gave me another massage, heated up the heat pack in the microwave, and tucked me in for the night. We were both asleep by 9 pm. I’m telling you, sitting around doing almost nothing is exhausting.
