I woke up in the middle of the night. One of the deacon candidates came to mind. He is an absolutely lovely man who Mike convinced to apply for the training program. Mike told me that he was struggling with the decision to go through and be ordained. He never told me what his considerations were, but I did hear the man speak and say that he thought Mike asked everyone to apply. OMG, was he ever wrong! Mike had a great deal of confidence in this man's ability. Mike was like a talent scout with a good eye. I'm sure he approached other men to apply, but he didn't do it indiscriminately. I finally fell asleep thinking I had to write this man in the morning to communicate what I knew about Mike's thoughts.
I had gone to bed at 11. I enjoyed the latest episode of DCI, thanks to Carolyn Catz's character. I woke up at 8 am when my alarm went off. I walked Elsa, did my oil rinse, and washed my dishes. I filled my cup with 2 cups of water and sat down to play FreeCell. Then I showered, did MELT, and used the Tiger Tail. I got dressed and cleaned the water out of my Rainbow vacuum cleaner. Mike used to do that for me. If I leave it standing too long, it acts as a petri dish for some pretty disgusting bacteria.
Judy and Paulette picked me up for church. When we arrived, the parking lot was empty. We had to arrive early because Paulette leads the singing and has to make some preparations.
Judy and I sat on a bench in front of the church. She told me that her nausea was better; she figured out how to clear it on her own using the healing protocol I showed her. When I worked with her the other day, it didn't feel right to clear that nausea. While I have protocols I can use for any number of situations, I don't apply them unless it 'feels right.' Sometimes that leaves me pretty helpless. I'll be working with a client and have to tell them that I know things I can do that might help, but it doesn't feel okay to apply them now. I sit there and pray for guidance. When I saw her the other day, we did some work on the way she felt about her nausea but nothing on the nausea herself. I thought we would be able to finish it off later that day on the phone. However, Judy didn't want to do the work on the phone, and due to one thing or another, we didn't see each other. Then early Sunday morning, she just did the work of releasing the nausea herself. I was thrilled for two reasons. One, Judy was feeling better. Two, the method I have devised is so simple and obvious that once someone gets the basic idea, they can use it themselves.
Today she complained that she was suffering from stomach pain. This was new. It's understandable. The chemotherapy is stripping her bowel. I did some straight energy work with her while we sat there. It was already better than it had been that morning; with the energy work, it disappeared – for now.
The church filled up because there were whole families who were here as tourists. There was one family of 6, the parents and their 4 adult daughters.
Fr. Lio served the mass. The gospel for the Mass was John 21:16, where Christ asks Peter if he loves him three times. Peter's answer in English is always, "You know I love you." Fr. Lio said that in the Greek version of the bible, there are two words for love, phileo and agape. If I remember correctly, Peter always answers using 'phileo' instead of 'agape' to express his love for Jesus. Lio spoke about the difference between the two types of love. References to these various types of love are popping up around me about as much as news about deaths.
Here are my thoughts on the subject to add to the pot. Agape love is considered more giving than phileo love; it involves sacrificing oneself. But what does that mean? Does it mean that, like Peter, we should be prepared to die for the object of our love? How many people get an opportunity to do that?
I found a blog that defines phileo love the way I would. He says we love the other because they are like us and like us. They are familiar to us and affirm our sense of self. Family members can do that. We extend phileo love to those who support our sense of self. They are our 'brothers'; they are part of the same family as we are, whether that family is genetic, tribal, or ideological.
Agape love is defined as a willingness to sacrifice oneself. Okay, here are my thoughts on what that means on a day to day basis. To do that, I have to define the self. I think of self as my self-image. Who am I? If someone contradicts me, they challenge that self-image. If someone makes me angry, my self-image as a good patient compassionate person is being challenged.
We can sacrifice ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Some think that my devotion to Mike for the last 5 weeks of his life is an example of agape love. Physically, I suppose I made a sacrifice. I sat in his hospital 7 to 8 hours a day. Would Mike have slept on the floor of my hospital room? Would Mike have slept on three chairs pushed together in the bathroom? I doubt it. I can't imagine it. But it wasn't the same order of sacrifice for me as it was for him. I'm a kid who was sent to camp. When we went camping, we didn't have air mattresses. I slept on the ground, shifting my body around rocks. This was my idea of a fun challenge. My body is generally more flexible than Mike's. If he had done what I did, it would have been a much higher order of physical sacrifice than it was for me.
There are two ways to define mental sacrifice. One is giving up mental stimulation. A new mother does that; "Now, what was adult conversation?" I was spared that in several ways. My discussions with doctors sometimes involved an overload of information. I learned a great deal about how hospitals work, the effects of kidney disease, and pancreatitis. I also had the updates. I was not deprived of intellectual stimulation. The second aspect of mental sacrifice is my concept of myself. My self-concept included being by Mike's side if he got ill. I would have felt terrible about myself if I had not been there. Which would have been the greater sacrifice, being there or not being there? I clearly would have suffered more if I hadn't been there.
Now we're up to an emotional sacrifice: Where else could I have possibly been better off? I consider myself so lucky that I was unable to go to my home because our house is on another island. All conflict of interest was erased. My daily life didn't pull on my emotions. I loved being by his side. There was no sacrifice.
Spiritual sacrifice is the last category. I'm not sure what that would look like. I can't conceive of anything spiritual that I sacrificed by being there for those 5 weeks. Nothing.
It has occurred to me that the principles of self-sacrifice are the same as the principles of dealing with suffering that Mike taught Judy: acceptance, cooperation, humility, and docility.
Acceptance of the other person and the possibly validating their point of view, or elements of their point of view. Cooperation means a willingness to engage in discussion or maybe to do the work on your own thinking about the other person's point of view. I know I have done that a lot in my life. I wound up in arguments with people in my head until they get through to me. Humility means never assuming I am a better person than the other person. That the other person ceases to have value because they contradict me. My mom couldn't tolerate any contradiction to her point of view. When I was a child, we would have a conversation that ran like this: My mom would say, "No one thinks what you do." I would say, "I do." She would yell, "You're nobody. You're nobody." This went on until I was thirty when I finally found the words to stop her. Before you judge my mom, she really felt if someone disagreed with her, it meant she was nobody. I was never able to help her get over this wound.
The fourth element of the response is docility. That means a willingness to learn from other people, to allow yourself to become a new person because of the impact of another person on you. The people in our lives serve as our teachers. We select those with whom we have enough in common to feel comfortable, and then the fun starts. No two people are without differences. I thought that in choosing Mike as my partner, I was determining the path of my life and my growth. I still feel that way. Despite his arrogance, he was a wonderful teacher because he also had great respect for me. The conflict between arrogance and respect was mostly his problem. I knew I could always count his respect for me winning out.
Now, being open to change has a downside. It depends upon what it is used for. People use change as a way of escaping who they are. They change selves as they change outfits. As Cylin said in response to one person, "Wherever you go, there you are." Those folks always become dissatisfied with the old self and then look for a new self to become. Sad.
Self-sacrifice is sometimes the most selfish and destructive thing a person can do. Many years ago, I met a family in a tutoring center. I worked with this boy who had been badly abused by his birth families and was adopted by his current family while he was still in the crib. His adoptive mother looked heroic. However, her husband and her adopted daughter looked clinically depressed. I did a healing session with this woman.
When that baby boy came to her home, he was covered with bruises. She had to work hard to help him recover. I realized, and she agreed, that the person she was during that period of her life was her ideal. It was the person who she always wanted to be. Problem: to be that person, she needed a damaged son. I got that she was suffering from a form of Munchausen's. She was unconsciously making sure that the boy remained a problem so she could sacrifice for him. I had a chance to speak to the principal of the school the boy attended. It was clear she thought the mother should be up for sainthood instead of losing custody of the boy. I can only hope she was right. "By their fruits, you shall know them."
When I got home, I made my miso soup and worked on the Affidavit of Collection, writing in the information that Raymond James wanted to complete the transfer of Mike's funds to my account. Once this last account is done, that phase of the financial work will be done. The next step is getting all my accounts into the Trust. This is something Mike and I were supposed to do but didn't. Because most of our accounts were joint or I was the beneficiary of his funds, I didn't have too much trouble. But, when I die, the transfer of funds won't be so simple if they aren't all in the Trust. This certainly hasn't been a stress-free experience.
I made a special trip into town to drop off the Affidavit in the lawyer's mailbox. That woman does not know how to give directions. I was left to figure out where this mailbox might be. Since it is an office complex, I assumed there might be a bank of mailboxes. When I couldn't see a bank, I walked up to the office door, hoping I would find a box there. I did.
I went to Safeway next to buy a salad kit, cut carrots, and 2 Mrs. Meyer's lemon verbena soap. They use the soap at the chiropractor's office. The scent permeates the place; it's delicious.
I went to Office Max while I was in town to Xerox the tax document from Ohio retirement. When I got home, I worked on the blog and played FreeCell. I texted Adam and Josh to please park the car on the street instead of the spot where Mike always parked it because it triggers me, leaving me thinking, "Mike's home.".
I tried to nap but felt a need to check Mike's computer to see if I could find his book. Oh, boy. I found a few chapters. I didn't find a title page or a bibliography, but he did cite his references at the bottom of each page, so the bibliography it shouldn't be too hard to construct. However, I have no idea how many chapters there are or what I'm looking for. I emailed Dave Kane, one of the deacons Mike sent the book to for feedback, asking him if he would send me his hard copy. I checked my email every two minutes looking for a response. When I didn't hear from him, I was afraid he had thrown the book out after finishing it. I must like driving myself crazy.
I had called Damon earlier, and he called me back. I told him that the person who had counseled Joanna at Damon and Cylin's wedding into not breaking up with her Mike was Jean. Jean had coincidentally told me the story when I told her a story about one of Damon's other friends and his wife. Joanna had been frustrated because Mike wasn't popping the question. Jean told her to hang on. Mike and Joanna have been happily married for years and have three beautiful children. It was a good move, waiting on Joanna's part and asking her to marry him on Mike's part.
I told Damon about the research on the placebo effect of surgery, particularly on knees. Damon has had 5 (five) knee surgeries. The first one was when he was in college. He was playing soccer, and his knee locked. I remember him sitting with his leg sticking straight out and being at the surgery center when he had the operation. It was a little outpatient job. He regrets the next 4 surgeries. I may have said something to him at some point, never being an advocate of surgical solutions unless absolutely necessary, but I doubt he listened to me any more than his dad did. Mike loved board-certified experts. Logic, when it came to medical practice, was not his thing, despite living with me for all those years. Each to his own.
Josh came up to fix my Square access. He knew what to do when it called for doing something to attach a microphone. Huh? While he was up here, I gave him copies of documents from Genworth, my long-term health care insurer. Since I don't have to pay premiums anymore, there would be no paperwork around to indicate that I had that insurance at the point I might need home care. Besides giving Josh a copy to file away, I am sending copies to Damon and Karin.
I did some more work on the blog and sent out two entries. Yeah, for me.
Elsa finally lost that lovely pink and orange flower the groomer put in her hair. I tried to put it back in, but she wouldn't have it. I walked Elsa, played some FreeCell, had a dinner of salad, and another serving of the chicken and broccoli prepared dish. I finished off dinner with a Hersey's Milk Chocolate bar with whole almonds.
I watched TV, cataloged some books, and sent Genworth paperwork to Damon. When I looked up Karin's address, I found some extra numbers that didn't make sense. I needed to check Karin's address tomorrow.
I walked Elsa, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.
