I got up a 6 am today, as usual. I walked Elsa, did my oil rinse while I washed last night’s dishes, and drank my two cups of water in preparation for my Bikram yoga class. The class went more the way it usually does. I didn’t sleep through this class as I had yesterday.
I located the checkbook for my account and paid some bills. Several items are charged exclusively to Mike’s credit card, which have to be transferred to mine like the T-Mobile and Netflix bills. There were a bunch of regular bills that had to be paid, and one from the kidney dialysis center. The ones from November and December were under $20, the one from January is over $400. Huh? That is a substantial difference. Must check on that—something else for my list.
I had sent out a fax of the death certificate to Raymond James. I called to confirm that it was received. Rick told me I needed some sort of legal document to effect these transfers of our joint accounts to my name and all the accounts to the revocable trust. Then I called Jennifer, my lawyer. She said no, I didn’t need that document. That document was generated as a result of being in probate court. No, I didn’t have to go to probate because it was a small enough sum of money. But was it a small enough sum of money? Are all the accounts cumulative? Does it include all the money or half the money in our joint accounts? Rick said he looked it up and according to Hawaiian law, joint accounts are transferred automatically to the surviving name on the account. However, the account is blocked with the notification of death. Huh? I was calling back and forth between Rick and Jennifer, and then back to Rick and back to Jennifer. Maddening. I finally asked if they could speak to each other directly. Some of the problems are caused by the difference between New Jersey law, where Rick is, and Hawaiian law, where Mike died. Rick had never heard of some of the procedures. And, there wound up being some form I hadn’t provided to Rick. Jennifer finally sent it directly. I still don’t know what it is or where I would find it in the folder Jennifer gave me. Final outcome- not yet. There is some question of whether NJ law will require me to go to probate. Waiting anxiously for the result of that decision.
The second issue is the Revocable Trust document made out in both our names sufficient, or will we have to draft a new one in only my name? Jennifer says that it is written into the existing document that the trust passes on to the survivor. Rick isn’t sure that is sufficient. Something else he will have to check with their legal department.
I received a form from Social security yesterday saying I had to apply for unpaid monies. Huh? I was told that the March payment was made into Mike’s account and was valid because he died on March 3. It winds up that Raymond James had to send it back to Social Security because his account was shut down because of his death. Social Security was asking me to send Mike’s birth certificate, our marriage certificate, and his death certificate within five days of receiving this form. Really? Can everyone get those documents together in 5 days? There is a note that they will help you get those forms. Fortunately, I had them all. I knew where they all were. I had looked for the wedding certificate the other day because I will need it when I had my telephone appointment with Social Security. I called Social Security, and they told me they would send the documents back to me. But when? Will I have them in time for that telephone interview with social security at the end of April? Will I have to order a new marriage certificate? I meant to make a Xerox copy of it, but I forgot. A new one will only cost me $25. Phew! I checked on getting a new birth certificate. In the bad old days, it was an easy and not expensive procedure. Now, it is online, and it costs $125. To boot, I have the problem of proving that I have a right to Mike’s birth certificate. I will collect Mike’s social security at the end of all this because it is greater than mine. I will also get one big check to cover everything from April through the time that I finally get the check.
Melissa Smith invited me up for a visit. Judy Glickstein had told me how beautiful their house is. They live 5 minutes away, just to the corner of the block and then up the hill, but they are several hundred feet higher up the mountain than we are and in a completely different climate zone. She lives there with her husband, Larry. They designed the house together. Melissa said there is nothing like joint planning to get to know someone. They survived. They have a fantastic view of the ocean, very panoramic. They also have a patio that is surrounded by buildings on all four sides and protected from the wind, or strong breeze, depending on how you want to view it. We tried the open lanai first, but it was too windy for me. We moved to the enclosed patio and sat under the large eve on rocking chairs as it drizzled. She had a cup of tea, and I had a cup of hot water.
Larry came home while we were sitting and talking. Melissa rose from her chair and waved enthusiastically through the window in the garage, greeting him joyfully. It reminded me of Mike and me. We would often greet each other with joy. We were glad to see each other. Even if we weren’t exactly in that mood, we would do some sort of greeting. We made it a ritual.
Our friends Carolyn and David once did a workshop on the rituals in a marriage. There were yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily rituals. There was one couple in the workshop that was getting a divorce. It came out that they had no rituals in their marriage. Rituals are the endoskeleton of a relationship, while the extended family and friends are the exoskeleton of a relationship. The rituals served to help us maintain loving interactions even when we weren’t in the mood. The relationships we had to people outside of the marriage helped maintain the concept of us as a couple.
With all that, there was still a rough patch in our marriage. For some reason, there was a period when we weren’t as genuinely affectionate or playful with each other. There was dead air between us. It had been growing for years. I have my theory about why this happened, but there is no question that it just happened. We were living in Ohio at the time. I was feeling so lonely in the marriage that I started complaining to a friend about it. It was tough. The complaining helped because I became aware that there was a problem. It helped me articulate what I was feeling. I thought, “I have to leave this marriage. I can’t live this way.” But then the next thought was, “I have no place I want to go, and Mike is a really good person.” I resolved to make myself comfortable with the situation, to be more self-reliant and emotionally independent.
Shortly after I made that resolve, the situation broke open. We were laughing with each other, playing silly word games, flirting like young teenagers, and pouring out affection again. At some point, I told Mike what I had been feeling and that I had thought I might have to leave the relationship. He told me he had had the exact same thoughts. He was thinking of leaving but felt, there was no place he wanted to go and I was a really good person. Being a good person, at least seeing each other as moral, good people with integrity was paramount to both of us. We never sunk back into that morass of emotional silence again. Things got better after that. I’d like to say we did our 40 days in our desert, but I think it was much longer than that. I can say that I feel that our relationship became ultimately more loving and more deeply loving after that.
When I got home from Honolulu after Mike died, there were three packages from Amazon with books Mike had ordered. I wanted to return them unopened. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out Mike’s password for Amazon. I finally called them, told them the problem. They sent me three return address labels by hard mail. I dropped the books off at the UPS store in town. Done.
My next stop was at Island Naturals, where Maya works. She wanted to make a live stream invitation to the live-stream of the funeral. Since I was starving, while I waited for her, I picked up something to eat. I bought a spicy papaya salad. Too spicy for me, as it wound up. Maya had me make the live-stream invite without any prep. I’m pretty fast on my feet with my mouth, but I made a few stumbles while doing the invitation. She wanted to get on to my Facebook page, but I have no idea what the password is. I should learn a lesson from Mike’s death and write them all down in a nonelectronic manner, maybe even as part of the will.
When I got home, I discovered I had left Elsa outside. She was fine, but I thought how angry Mike would be/is with me for forgetting her. He sees her as a helpless animal utterly dependent on our goodwill. Well, while that’s true, being outside in the shade for two hours isn’t lethal. She seemed to recover just fine.
I spent a fair amount of time playing FreeCell this afternoon. Then I wrote down some notes on the day, so I didn’t completely forget what happened.
I walked Elsa, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa. Good night, Mike.
