I woke up in the middle of the night because I had to pee. I was confused about where I was. I thought for a moment that I was on a meditation retreat. I guess my mind made up an explanation for why I am sleeping alone in my own bed for so long.
The experience of sleeping without Mike while he was away and now when he is not coming back at all reminds me of when I gave up smoking. I did several experiments to determine how giving up smoking would make me feel before I actually did it. At the time, I was a 2 pack a day girl, generally Marlboros, who had been smoking for 19 years. In one experiment, I gave up for cigarettes for a month. I promised myself that I would smoke after that month was up. When the month was nearly up, friends said," What are you doing? You've already done it for a month. Keep going. Keep going." I said, "No. I promised myself that I wouldn't. I don't lie to myself."
I am a believer in the body's intelligence and the intelligence of the nonconscious mind. One of my yoga teachers talks about the marriage of the body and the mind and then says, "It's mind over matter." His idea of a good marriage is very different from mine. I want a marriage where both people have an equal right to have their needs met. I want a marriage with mutual respect. That's what I had with Mike. I love being that way with anyone. I love being that way with myself. I respect the different voices in myself. I understand that each voice is expressing a need. Do I just follow any one of those voices blindly? No, I have to determine whether the expressed need is harmful for myself and others. That's a priority. Next, is it beneficial for myself and others? I use 'and' instead of 'or' deliberately. I believe if it's not beneficial for both parties, it's probably not the best course of action. Best for everyone needs to be defined. It doesn't mean that someone's feelings might not be hurt.
Mine were terribly hurt by something my sister said to me. But it was her truth. I learned and grew. I think it was one of the best things she's done for our relationship. Did it work out perfectly for our relationship? Absolutely not. But I suspect it was an essential thing for her to do as it was important for me to be the recipient of what she had to say. In terms of our relationship: I just have to accept that we can't spend a lot of time with each other. We have chosen very different paths for dealing with life. Each one has worked reasonably well. Neither of our lives is a disaster. However, the two approaches to life leave us unable to create a mutually comfortable situation except for short periods, like 2 hours alone together and just somewhat longer while in the company of others. It makes me very sad that this is the case, but I have accepted it as such.
I had an interesting experience as a result of my smoking experiment. That month of not smoking was easy. No withdrawal, no drama. When I finally gave it up for good, it was not so easy. After the third week, I was experiencing serious withdrawal symptoms. My nonconscious mind, or my body-mind, understood the difference. The only difference was my intention to go back to smoking or to give it up forever. Very interesting. Those times when Mike was away on diaconate activities were like that one month when I gave up smoking. It was relatively easy. So far, some part of me still seems to believe Mike's absence is temporary. I have moments of sadness. I expect to encounter some bumps in the road, but I am still optimistic that I will be okay in the long run. I'm curious about who I will become. I'm also a little scared.
I got up at 5:50 and did a quick walk with Elsa. Then I called the Mercer County Court in Princeton to check on their required documentation for securing Mike's bank account. I don't think I got an answer to my question. The probate clerk just told me that I must do what the institution demands regardless of what is possible. The legal department at Raymond James is finally doing research on it now. I am furious. They made me think my lawyer was incompetent, incapable of understanding what they were saying. But they were the wrong ones, and I had to do the research myself. Prejudice. Kailua Kona is a small town in a rural area in a state that is still considered a third world county. My lawyer was a young woman in private practice versus an east coast lawyer working for a big corporation. What do you think? Sounds like a good case for bias to me.
I called Raymond James to check on my credit cards and give them the information I got from calling my local court. Boy, am I confused. Our financial advisor said I do have one card that is in my name exclusively, but the account numbers she had were unfamiliar to me. Oops! Were there more credit cards out there? Did I have to cancel all my credit cards immediately? She called the credit card company and discovered that they didn't update her when credit cards numbers were changed. She told me which one was mine. I went to find that one and set the rest aside.
Because of the time on the phone, I didn't do the dishes or my oil rinse before yoga. As I was driving to Bikram, the radio announced a winter storm watch for the summit of Mauna Kea. We're talking snow in mid-March.
When I got home from Bikram, I hand-washed my Bikram clothes and hung them on the line. I don't have enough clothes to run a full load yet. I thought I have to ask Yvette if she would throw my clothes in with hers when she does a load on my machine. Otherwise, I will run out of panties. Yvette has a lot of laundry to do. She is a massage therapist and has a mountain of sheets and towels to do regularly.
I showered. While I boiled the water for my soup, I did MELT and used the Tiger Stick. I used the left-over water to do my' weeding', pouring boiling water on unwanted greens. I did some work on the blog, taking breaks by getting my dry laundry off the line and ironing, and then back to work again while listening to the NPR classical music station.
The head of Science Camps of America here in Hawaii called to tell me that Elijah had gotten into the Air and Space program for this summer. I called Elijah to give him the news and then his mom to give her the head's up because she was going to have to fill in a registration form.
I watched Unforgotten on Brit Box through Amazon Prime. I think this is a great show. It doesn't follow a pattern, so I can't guess the murdered each time correctly. I cataloged more books. This will be a nightly activity for the better part of a year, if not longer.
I walked Elsa, washed my face, brushed my teeth, went to bed, and then said, "Goodnight, Elsa. Goodnight, Mike."
