Mike's death; Betty's life...: 02/17/26

Tuesday, February 17, 2026

Tuesday, May 31, 2022

I wasn't particularly tired when I went to bed. It took me a few minutes to fall asleep. I slept well till 2:30, the agitation hour. I had my paperwork under control. That wasn't a worry. Then, I was back to thinking about the surgery. This cause for concern isn't all on me. I had all three of my body workers say something indicating that I would not be happy with a hip replacement because of muscular problems with my body that the surgery won't address. Besides, even the doctor said it would do nothing to relieve any sciatica I might have.

I spoke to Tammy on my walk this morning. I warned her she wouldn't see me for a few weeks. We all look out for each other and comment when we haven't seen each other for a while. When she discovered I had Kaiser, she said she wished she could have it, but her union didn't cover Kaiser here in Hawaii or in three other states. She had Kaiser, where she came from, and loved it. I agreed. Mike and I loved it. We had good doctors and great service. So far, I am thrilled. Besides good medical care, I haven't had to struggle with the company over insurance issues; it is both the insurer and the provider,

I have heard people complain about it. In a car accident, someone got a torn rotator cuff and had to wait three months for surgery. He blamed Kaiser for the delay. I had the same situation in Columbus, Ohio, even though it had major orthopedic centers and several hospitals, and I had BC/BS insurance. That's how it is with elective surgery, meaning non-life or death circumstances. The fault doesn't lie with Kaiser.

Shivani and Sidney were still in the bedroom when I got home from my walk. Shivani sleeps in if she can, but Sidney is usually at full bore. They came out together, Shivani wearing a mask. It seems Sidney did have a cold. I donned a mask, too, and put on the living room ceiling fans. Oh, well. The cat is out of the bag already. I would either get it or not.

Alexandra started her childcare duties with Sidney today. She was incredible. She was on the floor with him for hours playing with him. He was a little hyper for about two hours, then quieted down and played beautifully. It was wonderful to watch him play. His focus and creativity, and joy in play.

I loaded the cardboard into the car to take to the transfer station and then worked on my papers for the Notary I was meeting at 4:30. At 9:30 am., I headed out. The first stop was the transfer station to drop off the cardboard. Then I headed to Kaiser to get my Covid test in preparation for the surgery. I thought I had to register inside for this. No, I didn't. I just had to drive around to an outdoor tent. I got to Kaiser early, thinking there would be a line. I had to be home by 11:30 for my appointment with adolescent D. I was the only one there. It was quick.

Then I went to Costco. Wow! By a quarter after 10, the parking lot was almost full. I heard someone say it was jammed because the tourists were in town now that schools were closed. I was sure they were right. I saw whole families together, even several couples vacationing together. I just wanted dish soap, frozen waffles, blueberries, strawberries, and lemons. I checked if Shivani wanted more Poke or avos at the last minute. We had Poke left but needed more avocados. The line wasn't too bad. I got called to get on the special line for those with only a few items. They do that to speed up things when the store is jammed. The line wasn't too bad yet. That came in another half an hour when all the shoppers were ready to check out with their big loads for their vacation rentals.

I made it home to unload the car and get stuff in the refrigerator and freezer before my session with adolescent D. I started with the sight word recognition of went versus want, two words D confuses. I wrote the numbers 1 and 2 next to the words. It took him a moment, but he got them correct. I asked him how he got it. He used the trick I taught him. He could figure out went and then say want is not went, and, therefore, it's want. I complimented him on completing his last assignment for school.

Then I told him how his behavior in our last session suggested that he didn't do what I suggested, not because he forgot but because it made him feel stupid and humiliated. He agreed. That was a step in the right direction. He wants to just 'know' the correct answer to everything because that's what he sees everyone doing. He wants to avoid being in a position where he has to figure something out or work on memorizing something. It should just pop into his head as it does for everyone else. Of course, he has no idea what happens in everyone else's head. He can be sure it comes up faster than it does in his. I told him he wanted to get to the top of the mountain without climbing it or even flying to it. He just wants to be there. He doesn't accept that everyone has to climb it. Yes, it was easier for some than others, but everyone had to do it. He fights any overt effort to learn. It should all come quickly. I told him to write down three words. He said he didn't need to; he could remember. How's that for denial? I demanded he write them down. Then we discussed the words, comparing their similarities and differences and tricks for keeping them apart.

We worked on how badly he felt about his inability to read. I told him that was normal. It was even normal to feel shame. Sadly, as normal as it was, that very feeling worked against him. It prevented him from doing what he needed to do to learn. My way may not solve the problem. But one thing we know for sure; his way definitely didn't work.

I went into healing mode. I asked D to imagine hearing a child crying on a roller coaster. He felt a little more relaxed with that image. Good. We were going in the right direction. I heard him say, "Why won't you help me?" When he encountered trouble learning to read, no one helped him. Everyone just told him to make more of an effort, blaming him for his failure. No one knew how to help him. Their only recourse was to tell him to try harder. I told him to put the burden on me. I could carry it as long as he didn't express contempt. I can't handle contempt. I don't think anyone is good at it. At the end of the session, I asked if he felt more relaxed than when we started. He said, "No." then he changed his mind. I wondered if he felt differently or said what he thought I wanted to hear. My money was on some shift.

Shivani and Sid headed out to the beach today without me. I needed some time alone.

Monday, May 30, 2022

Oh, boy, I worked myself into a state worrying about a document I hadn't completed yet that I had to get done before June 2. I had to request something from someone who was not easy to negotiate with; they were into agreement or concession but not negotiation. They thought that anything that involved cooperation was negotiation. Oh, boy. I have to be careful about choosing my words with them. Everything can lead to high conflict, silent but deadly.

I heard my phone announce a text at two am. It was John Zim from the east coast with a joke. "According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected." I responded, "Got it!" He replied, "You should be sleeping!" I finally got up and took care of that document. I was still vibrating with anxiety. I tried to meditate. Meditation is not just to calm down in the minute. Its real purpose is transformation. I didn't care. I wanted immediate relief. I went back to bed and tried to sleep. I woke around 6 am.

John's wife Carol wrote to make sure someone contacted her to say I was okay after the surgery. I just assumed I would. I assumed I would just come home without contacting anyone. It was not supposed to be a big deal. I was expecting to come through the surgery just fine; I worried that my muscle problems would cause pain the doctor had not anticipated, but all my body workers had. I was worried about that. All three warned me I wouldn't be happy. That's a scary statistic.

I felt cold this morning. I wore two sweatshirts over a polo shirt and pulled on my hood. I checked the weather, "Now 64 degrees." Holy cow! That sixty-four was at the airport at sea level. I was at 1000 feet, a good four to five degrees cooler, and the sun was already rising. Oh, boy. This was a Hawaiian summer day. It was overcast every day. That's how it was staying cool.

There wasn't any evidence of Shivani and Sid when I came home. I wasn't expecting anything from Shivani, but I was expecting to see Sid running around. I could hear some noise in the bedroom around 7:30. I knocked and asked if anything was wrong. Sid not being up and active was not a good sign. He didn't have a fever, but he was tired. It may be a hangover from his sick day.

I had sessions with the M & W sisters at 8 am. With first grade M, I was doing some very sophisticated work. Yesterday, we read the words, "Many hands make light work." When I asked her the meaning of light, she said the type you turn on. I didn't get how that made sense. She said, "Many hands make the light work." Oh, she had added a word to have it make sense. If you added the before light, it did mean the kind of light you turn, and it illuminates a space. But that wasn't the use of the word. See how one word can completely change the meaning of a sentence. All the words are essential. I went over the definition of light in the context of the sentence,

Today I reviewed several examples of light, meaning not heavy, instead of not dark. We discussed light versus heavy in terms of weight, light versus heavy audiences, light versus heavy homework, and light versus heavy housework. They all have similarities, but they all generate different images and different concrete examples. Language is tricky.

I worked on comprehension again with fifth-grade W, as per her choice. We are working with sixth-grade material. There was a tough one today. She wanted to refer to her knowledge and intuition rather than the words on the page at one point. I pushed for an accurate reading.

I did a quick walk and had Mama K's crew at 9:30. We had problems connecting. I got their image and sound through Zoom, but they couldn't hear me. They had to use their phone as well as their computer so they could hear me. Twin A went first. I continued working with her on the second story in the Carpenter materials. She was halting but made it through the whole story. I was still working with Twin E in the first story. Today, she said, "I've never seen that word before." This is the third or fourth time we have read it. Both girls have problems with memory. I had several students with serious memory problems, both these girls and adolescent D. I can sometimes remedy the problem when it's just bad routing. When the problem is more serious, I don't seem to be able to do anything to help them.

I spoke to Mama K about the girls' memory problems. I said I didn't know what to do. Their dad was home. From the background, he called out, "Spend the summer living with you."

At 11, I had my Reading/Writing Office Hours. I had two tutors who were just starting with their students; both had problems with phonics. One student was a little delayed; the other sounded more serious. That student had a student aide. She said the child was sweet; she didn't think it was a serious behavioral problem. I went over The Phonics Discovery System Phase I, also instructing them to watch the video. Both tutors were very responsive. I did a five-minute presentation and said, "That's all there is to the process. The rest is practice." One of the tutors had terrible problems pronouncing the phonemes correctly. From what I saw, this process would be life-changing for him. Both got it. The woman was thrilled with the respectful attitude toward the student built into the program. The man understood that this method taught foundational concepts. I looked forward to seeing what they would do with it. I wish I could observe these folks tutoring. Everyone does something slightly differently. I can imagine myself wanting to say, "No, not that way," and then having to reconsider it afterward. It should all be good if the tutor respects the student's knowledge and self-concept.

I got a text from Josh saying he tested positive for Covid. I offered Yvette a bed upstairs so she could avoid contact with him. She had been visiting a friend in Hilo and decided to stay there till Friday. She reminded me she couldn't drive me to the airport Thursday morning. I called Judy to ask her. She was willing, but why not call an Uber? I called Julie to see if her sister would pick me up at 5 am. Julie argued she could drive me. She was almost over her cold. Vince objected. He was afraid she was still contagious. He said he would contact his sister-in-law to see if she could do it. It was early. Shivani said she could do it if worst came to worst. If worst came to worst, I could drive myself, park the car, and Shivani could pick it up later in the day.

My niece Karin, her newborn, and his grandmother could go home today. This would be the first time the three-year-old saw his new brother. Oh, boy. I got a video of the three-year-old in the park with his mom and grandma. He needed some time with them without his baby brother.

Yesterday there had been some additional drama preventing them from going home. The mom was running 104 degrees. Her tests for Covid and influenza came up negative. She had a killer case of mastitis. Ow! The doctor gave her a second different dose of antibiotics. That finally provided relief. That's why they were able to go home today.

I finally gave Elsa her much-needed bath. I am supposed to do one at least once a week. It had been two weeks by now. If I bathe her regularly, it controls her skin lesions. She wasn't shaking today; I used warmer water than usual. That may have helped. Sid wanted to help wash her. He got a ladder and stood next to me. I noticed his nose was running. Oh, dear. I had to be clear of him. I needed to stay healthy until after the operation. Then I could get sick. Shivani came and took my place by the sink and massaged Elsa's back for the remaining ten minutes; the medicinal soap had to be on. Then I took over, rinsed her, applied the conditioner, and did the final thorough rinse. I found several raw lesions on her back. Damn! I have to bathe her more and apply the medical cream—both help.

As I went through my emails, I saw a weather alert. Severe weather from 6 pm tonight to 6 am Thursday. That's the time of my scheduled flight. Are there going to be flight cancellations? Will I miss my surgery because of this? There are so many opportunities for trouble. I am still waiting to hear if the doctor and surgical team are okay. We will all get rapid Covid tests tomorrow morning and see what happens. I may be home on the next flight of the day and have to start this process all over again,

Shivani wanted to go to the beach in the late afternoon. By that time, Sid was his usual upbeat, playful self. He had asked to go to the beach. Now he decided he wasn't ready. Shivani applied some pressure, and off they went. She wasn't in the mood to cook and asked if Thai food would do. It would always do. She would order it and pick it up after she went to the beach.

Sunday, May 29, 2022

Sidney was feeling better this morning and in full throttle. I worked to keep him occupied so Shivani could sleep. It was no big deal. The kid plays beautifully by himself. First, I made him a waffle with maple syrup.

I had an 8 am tutoring appointment. I dreaded it because of my poor nerves, but I had a great time. I thoroughly enjoyed the work on comprehension with both the M & W sisters. Using the question format I developed, I used 3rd-grade material with first-grade M. She did very well. Each time we met, I offered her the opportunity to work on something else. She always chose this.

Fifth grade W had worked on the spelling exercise for the past half a dozen sessions. Today, she wanted to work on comprehension. I used sixth-grade material. Her comprehension is excellent. She read the passage aloud and figured out long, unfamiliar words well. However, she misses words like and, the, to, for, of, and from. It drives her mother nuts. I thought it was funny. While she learns new words easily, she stored these easy ones incorrectly or in the wrong part of the brain, making retrieval ineffective. Whatever, having to overcome a bad habit is more challenging than having to learn something new.

While working with the girls, Sidney started screaming for his sleeping mom. I managed to find out what he needed; he needed the lid on the box of toys opened. I abandoned my post and went to him. The small break was no big deal.

I didn't go to church. I wanted to maximize my time with Shivani and Sidney. We went back to the fishpond beach National Park at the harbor again. This time I wore my bathing suit and went in using my noodle. I had the ankle weights with me, Katie recommended, but they seemed like a drag to wear. The noodle worked well to hold my head out of the water. I could stay calm and get my feet under me when I needed to. It was a struggle, but I wasn't panicked. Then I tried to get out of the water. I couldn't get up. I reached out to the nearest human, a twelve-year-old boy who spoke no English. He gave me his hand. His mother yelled," Dos manos." He cooperated but had no sense of what else to do. Shivani came and hauled me to my feet.

We stopped at Target before we went home to pick up food. Shivani had preordered. During the pandemic, stores developed this new system. You placed an order online and paid for it. An employee collected the items and delivered them to your car. Target set up these numbered pick-up parking places. You parked and let them know your spot. You showed them your code number when they came, and they loaded your purchases in your car. This was all at no extra cost. It couldn't last forever. It made sense during the pandemic. People were concerned about going into stores; Target needed customers. All sorts of stores made accommodations that will now become standards. When we're good and used to it, Target will start charging.

We got home just in time for me to watch the televised dance concert from Kalihu Theater in Waimea. The local dance studio stages two concerts a year. I missed seeing them during the pandemic. Melissa told me she subscribed to the live streaming of all the performances at the theater. Shivani helped me sign on. From what Melissa said, I thought I would get all the performances for the $100. Instead, I had to pay an additional $20 to see the dance concert. I was surprised. I paid anyway. While these performances are not professional, I love them. The choreography is good. I don't particularly care for the pyrotechnics of professional ballet dancers. For me, that's gymnastics, not dance. My background is in modern dance, not ballet. I prefer simpler choreography. Much of what the dance studio does appeals to me. There was only one section that was not satisfactory. Both the choreography and the dancing were poor. I suspected the dancer, a teenage girl who didn't know what she was doing, had done the choreography.

Saturday, May 28, 2022

I had a terrible night's sleep. Shivani told me yesterday that the Tesla power walls should never go down to zero or up to 100. It shortens their life span. Here I bought them partially so we could survive off-grid if we had to. Now, I find out that nothing I've done will work; so much for the best-laid plans of mice and men. I was feeling very out of control. Too many unresolved issues and too many issues that I .have no control over, such as the current political and economic situation. Then, of course, is the strain of dealing with the loss of Mike and all that it means to me. As I've said before, full grief has only hit recently. Oh, what fun! I was up a good part of the night dealing with things that could go wrong and how I had made bad decisions. Then I fell asleep again. I am a good sleeper.

We noticed a red spot on his left temple when Sidney woke up. Later we saw a smaller one on his right temple. Even later, Shivani noticed a blister on his ear. He had been okay when he awoke. Sid came out of the bedroom, and I gave him a waffle with maple syrup, a breakfast standard. Shivani commented that he was unusually whiny and felt warm later in the morning. I didn't have a digital thermometer. I contacted Mei and Peter first. They had one, but it wasn't accurate. I texted Adam to ask him if he had one. No response. I walked over there. I knocked, but there was no response. He must be home because the truck was there. He must be up because he had a one-year-old. I finally heard him moving about. He said wait a moment; Maybe I did wake him up. Oh, dear. He had a digital forehead thermometer. I took it home.

Sidney had a temperature of 100.5. What was going on? She considered taking him to urgent care but decided to call the Kaiser advice nurse first. When she heard 'blisters,' she immediately said, "Have you considered monkeypox?" Now, that created some fun moments. The nurse arranged for a doctor to call Shivani. I got on the phone with Lutz, who had examined Sidney's bumps when he walked with me last night. He thought they were from spider bites. He had texted me, suggesting blister bugs. I called him and shared our concern about monkeypox. He said not. First off, the fever preceded the breakout. While that was the usual pattern, Shivani had read it could be the other way around. Lutz also said monkeypox blisters are filled with pus. Sidney's blister was filled with fluid. It couldn't be monkeypox. That reassured us. Then the doctor called; she laughed at the idea it was monkeypox. There were only two cases in northern California. One was someone who had traveled to an area where it was spreading. The other person got it from the first person. The likelihood that Sid had been exposed to monkeypox was zero.

The next challenge was getting children's Tylenol, Benadryl, and apple juice. I started calling around. Mei and Peter weren't home. I called Adam. He had some. I went over and got it. He said he was about to take his one-year-old for a drive to put him asleep for his nap. Would it be okay to drop off a bunch of toys?

Besides the concern for Sid, Shivani and I were concerned about me. If Sid had something contagious and I got it, the operation would be off. Shivani and I both donned masks. We relaxed when we felt sure Sid's problems were from insect bites. Whatever Sid had, he was sick. He was running a temperature, and he felt lousy. Every time Shivani left the bedroom, he called for her to return. She was a prisoner. The poor kid felt miserable. Shivani wasn't doing much better. The worry knocked her for a loop.

Alexandra called Shivani. She was so sorry. She broke her wrist yesterday while roller skating. She thought she could still take care of Sid. Her mom was concerned both for her and Sid. She was afraid Alexandra would do more harm to her wrist with a sudden move. She planned to be here with Alexandra to watch out for her and Sid.

Besides the excitement here in Hawaii, there was drama in Seattle. My niece Karin gave birth to her second child on the 22nd. Mother and baby were fine. Since they knew already that her three-year-old had the flu, the mother, baby, and grandmother stayed in an attached building to avoid contact. Then Dad came down with the flu. Both the three-year-old and dad were tested; they had influenza b. The doctor advised the mom to vacate the premises altogether. Mom and Dad rented a three-room BnB. Mom and Grandma packed up all the baby's equipment and decamped. Mom has a two-day-old infant and a sick three-year-old she couldn't have contact with two days after giving birth. Thank God Grandma was there to help, and Dad was a hands-on kind of guy.

Next, Mom started running a fever. It seems like it's mastitis and nothing else. Can you imagine a world where mastitis is compared favorably to another ailment? Mom was running a fever of 101. She went off to see the doctor.

I watched a California Christmas. It was in the vein of a Hallmark special. It was predictable and sappy. However, the cast was lovely, except for one character who must have had no previous acting experience. I have no idea how she got cast.

Friday, May 27, 2022

I woke up anxious because of unresolved issues. I would list them in the morning, hoping to make them more manageable. Some of these issues were three years old, getting gravestones for Mike and me, revising my will, finishing a document with specific instructions in case of my death, and requests for Josh and Yvette for their will. Those were the heavy-duty ones. There were a bunch of others, like getting my password to work in Microsoft so I could download files to an email. They were inaccessible when I tried to attach them. I have no idea why. I couldn't find them under any heading. This morning would be my third attempt. I blew it yesterday because I responded incorrectly three times due to nerves. I would have Shivani do it. She might blow it too, but that wouldn't be worse than I did. She nailed it.

Getting the gravestones is a huge deal. I started shortly after Mike's death with vim and vigor. The church sent me to a monument dealer in Hilo. He wanted a mere $7000 for a good-sized one. I balked at that. That cost more than Mike's five weeks in the hospital but not more than my five weeks in Honolulu so I could be by his side every day. Friends told me of an alternative. I could go to one of the stone dealers in Kona and order whatever I wanted.

First, I wanted the limits on the possible size from Fr. Lio. I had trouble getting a consistent answer from him. It ranged from any size, "I'll deal with it"- to fairly small. I was utterly baffled. I ordered two one-foot by two-foot brown granite slabs from a local dealer.

Next, I had to find an engraver. Not so easy here on the island. I found one place that could order brass plates from the mainland. I tried another place that used an inlay method. The headstone had to be way too big to fit the superscript 2 in after Ph.D. for Mike's two doctoral degrees. I walked away from that. I found a place in Honolulu that did traditional granite headstone engraving. I had to ship it there. That required finding a place that would crate the slabs. Then I had to drive them up to Kawaihae to the docks. Each step presented its own challenge. Mike's gravestone design was simple. I used the one Sandor designed for Mike's cremation box. Mine was a problem. I struggled. I wanted the words "Mike's Beloved Betty." It's just a variation on "The Beloved Wife of . . . ." but I was still alive using those words to describe myself. I chose them because they gave me comfort. It reminds me that I was loved, deeply loved. How lucky can one get!

Yvette came up around 8 am. She delivered a bolster to Shivani and moved the massage table from the library where we'd stored it, during the Damons' visit, back to the guest room. Sharry had said she would return her massage table in a day after taking it for a home visit. She didn't come back. Fortunately, we had the other table. However, that one had cracks in the vinyl. Yvette asked if I had a mattress cover to smooth them over. I offered to use a blanket instead. It worked perfectly,

At 9:30, the acupuncturist arrived for sessions for me and Shivani. Shivani went first because I wanted to get as much done on my to-do list as possible before my session.

As Shivani came out of her session, I heard her make another appointment with Jennifer. Shivani gets regular acupuncture treatments. I figured she thought Jennifer was good. She confirmed that later on with glowing praise. I was glad to have my judgment confirmed.

My appointment was next. I asked the acupuncturist to work on my shoulder as the PTs had. She did that and then went to my left side muscles and my left leg.

I felt more relaxed getting some of it done. She asked me what to work on. As I had done with the PTs, I requested upper bodywork, particularly the left shoulder. I also told her I was vibrating with anxiety. She put some needles into my ear lobes to address that issue. Then she worked on the left arm. Once she had put the needles in, she was inclined to move down to my left leg.

The phone rang with an unknown caller. I had called the bank clerk to make an appointment for a notary to get my legal documents signed, and all the appointments for next week were filled. The earliest was on June 27. Can you tell me where I can find another one? They gave me a name and a telephone number. I was on the massage table with nothing to write on or with. I called Shivani to get the phone and write the number down. She came. I reached back over my head and handed her the phone, asking her to write down the number. I pulled on a tight muscle in the left leg and abdomen as I did that. I groaned. The acupuncturist worked to release the spasm.

Jean Mabry called to ask if we were coming to the beach. She had said in the morning. I figured we'd be done by 11:30 and head out. That would put us into the afternoon. I'm not good at calculating time. I suck at anything having to do with remembering figures. I got my times' tables memorized, but the price of things, and time- not so much. Jean also told us that she could handle dinner early tonight. Shivani was even prepared to go. I couldn't handle it. I was so raw, on the verge of tears. I wasn't sure of all the causes for this state of mind.

There were just too many factors to sort out. I hoped I would be better once the surgery was behind me. Despite my fragile state, I had no trouble taking care of Sidney while Shivai slept in. He's a cheerful child, happy to play by himself. I remained calm with him, enjoying his presence. There were a few occasions where I responded too abruptly with Shivani if there was something she was doing I thought could damage something. I can't stop doing that as much as I would like to. Shivani said I don't look crazed, just frazzled. That's pretty amazing; I feel on the verge. I hoped it meant I was shaking off an old self that I would always have been better off without. We'll see. You only know for sure once it's over.

When I was finished, I went to the back lanai to call Jean, my hanai sister, to follow up on her notes on my legal statements. Jean was napping and unable to talk. I had made notes on her notes and felt much better, less anxious.

As I walked out to the car to hang my mask over the rearview mirror so I had one always available, I saw Alexandra in the driveway I asked her to don a mask. Since she didn't have one, I went a got her one. I introduced her to Shivani and Sidney. We hired her to take care of Sidney while Shivani worked. She brought a lei filled with candy and was an immediate hit with Sidney and Shivani. She stayed for lunch. Shivani made grilled cheese sandwiches with tomatoes, a favorite of both Alexandra and Sidney.

After she left, Shivani proposed going to the beach. I decided to stay home today when they went so I could have some downtime. I loved, loved having them here, but I needed time to reorient. It wasn't that I thought I was better alone. God, no, I missed the companionship they provided. I loved the sound of Sidney's continual patter. It is so joyful. His exchanges with Shivani are balm too. She is fantastic with him. I loved all the sounds those two make. It was still an adjustment. It was just too much for my fragile mental condition, all the more so because of Covid isolation.

Shivani got herself and Sidney ready to go to the beach. I proposed going over to meet Anna first. Peter and Mei immediately invited him to get into the pool when we got there. They pulled back a large black cloth. Anna came out in her mermaid bathing suit; it had a floor-length skirt. She climbed right into the pool. Shivani went home to get Sid's floaties. Once he had them on, he started climbing the ladder to get into the pool. Shivani wisely thought she should get in first to help him. He screamed in distress when he got in, "I don't want to get wet." He got out quickly and jumped into the enclosed trampoline. He was obviously used to it. Shivani said he used one at a friend's house.

I went home shortly after they arrived to get some alone time. I worked on the updates. They came home about an hour later. Anna and Sidney got along brilliantly. When they left, Anna begged them not to go. I felt I had cheated Shivani out of a trip to the beach, an opportunity she would only have here. She was good with it. It was good to know that Sidney had a friend at hand. I was also sure that Peter and Mei felt that way. They're it if Anna doesn't have a friend to play with.

Shivani went out to pick up Indian food with Sidney in tow. I was instructed to put a frozen pizza in the oven for 10-12 minutes. I called and told her to call when she left the restaurant. I would put the pizza in then. She said Sidney wanted to go to the beach. I waited. I got hungry. I called to check if everything was okay. They were sitting on the beach; Sidney didn't want to go home. They sat there in the moonlight for a good half an hour. We're talking about a five-year-old loving this. Sid is an amazing kid. Shivani is his amazing mom.

Thursday, May 26, 2022

For the first time this year, we had a promise, or threat, of a hot, humid day. Sidney asked to walk with me. I usually walked to the end of Nehiwa Street and back again. Sidney didn’t want to do that. I wound up walking around the block. I had only done that one other time this year. I was always concerned my leg wouldn’t go the distance. We ran into my neighbor David, who lives on the street below me. He wanted to meet the young man with me. As we continued on our journey, David walked ahead of us. We caught up to him because he stopped to talk to two men. When we caught up, he introduced me to Chris and Frances. My leg held up the whole way.

Jazzy was going to provide Sidney with a box of toys. Then she went to Ohau to get a feeding tube inserted into her three-year-old disabled son. She was supposed to return the next day but stayed till Saturday.

She had a nightmare experience on her way over. I know she caught an early flight because I saw Luke’s wheelchair in the truck on my early morning walk. I learned from Judy that the handicapped van wasn’t there when she arrived at the pickup site. This was a problem because the surgery was scheduled for the morning. She didn’t take a cab because they were sedans and couldn’t accommodate Luke’s wheelchair. Three hours later, her ride arrived. It wasn’t the handicap van; it was a sedan. The wheelchair wouldn’t fit into the trunk of the car. They managed to get it into the back seat. Instead of Luke having a safe ride in his wheelchair in the handicapped van, he rode in Jazzy’s lap to the hospital.

My friend Jean was visiting her daughter and grandkids on the island. She said her daughter would be happy to put together a box of toys for Sidney. Since we had nothing from Jazzy, I texted Kelly to say we were glad to accept her offer. She said to come by after 9 am. Sidney went with me. Jean was the only one home. There was a box of toys on the front lanai. Jean loaded them into the car and secured Sidney back into his car seat. Sidney, who loves to talk and can do it nonstop, was silent on the trip there and back.

Shivani, Sidney, and I went to the fishpond beach, a National Park. I didn’t even bother putting on a bathing suit. I want to go out with someone else when I test the noodle and the ankle weights before going out alone. I didn’t want my legs floating away on their own and being out of control without help to right myself.

The results from my hip X-ray were posted on the KP site. While Dr. Reed had requested a comparison with the previous X-ray, the report only showed the results for this X-ray. I’d love to know if the stem cell transplant made any difference. The surgeon said there would be no difference. I guessed that even if there were, the difference would be slight. A full complement of cartilage is only 3 cm.

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

I had a 7:30 PT appointment with the therapist who wasn't exposed to Covid. She told me that service providers must quarantine if they are not vaccinated or not wearing a mask when exposed. I know the other one didn't wear a mask. I wore one when I saw her. One day when I said I was having difficulty breathing because of the mask, she said, "Why don't you just take it off," in that dismissive tone. Oh, dear.

Katie worked on my left arm again. She told me I held my shoulder in a defended position. She gave me ways to hold it that would open the shoulder. She told me to keep my hand with my palm forward instead of backward.

After PT, I went to Safeway to pick up the remaining food items on Shivani's list. While I was there, Judy called. When she found out where I was, she asked me to get her a box of Campari tomatoes; none other would do. The taste, she said, was in a league of its own. I couldn't find them at first. When I did, I got a box for me too. I picked up around ten items, fresh vegetables, and a whole chicken.

My next stop was Kaiser to get another hip X-ray. I brought the refrigerable food in rather than leaving it in the car in the sun. Wait time at Kaiser is always short nowadays. I tried to figure out whether it was shorter since Covid. Come to think of it. More was being done by phone and Zoom than before.

I'd seen the X-Ray tech several times in the last year. In January, the podiatrist ordered an ankle X-ray. When my knee went, Dr. Reed ordered one for that joint when I requested it. Katie figured all my leg joints were arthritic. Guess what! In the case of both the knee and the ankle, there was no serious arthritis. The doctor said my ankle didn't look like a twenty-year-olds, but there was no serious breakdown. By this time, the tech and I were forming a friendship. I asked her what made her become an X-ray tech. It's always interesting to learn about what motivates people. She had planned to go into the law but discovered she didn't like the people in the profession. A friend of the family suggested she try X-ray tech. She loves it. She's involved with people and uses her hands.

My last stop was Costco. I arrived there around 9:30. I couldn't take the food from Safeway into the store. I sat in the car and ran the air conditioner on high until the store opened. I only had three items to buy: blueberries, lox, and poke.

I went home to do more cleaning. Shivani wouldn't be a harsh judge, but one must always use a guest as motivation to get the house cleaned.

While it sounded like I had broken the Bose radio yesterday by getting water in it, I decided to try it. I plugged it in and turned t on. It was just fine. I had no idea what happened yesterday.

I had a session with Adolescent D at 4:30. He was out of school already, but we hadn't moved to a summer schedule. I started working on having him identify the phonemes in words just from the sound. He tended to give me letters instead of sounds. He seemed frustrated. I asked if he felt that way and wanted a break. "Frustration is for babies," he spat out. I ran a lecture on frustration. I told him everyone encountered it. The difference in people is how they deal with it, not experience it. You only push through frustration endlessly if you face a deadline or a crisis. It's important to know when to back off and take a break.

Then I worked on one of the words he had trouble learning because he confused it with another, went versus want. I had him identify the similarities and differences between the two words. I had him decode went, which has the more common vowel-consonant pattern. Since he could do that, I told him to think, "If it is not went, then it must be want." We did some other work and then came back to identifying them. He got them correct. I asked him if he had used the strategy I showed him. He contemptuously said, "No. I just knew it." It was becoming clear he just forget to use my strategies, he resisted using them. I reminded him he had a memory problem. He should use his intelligence to compensate for it. He wants to rely on automatic recall, as he sees others do.

I had to pick up Shivani and Sidney at the airport at 7:30. She texted me when they landed. I headed out. When I arrived, I learned they had checked luggage to pick up. I went to the cell phone parking lot to wait for her. There was a lot of traffic pulling up to the curb. I pulled up behind the last car to pull up to the curb. We had problems finding each other. I was just north of the arrival sign; from her description, she was just south. I got out of the car and screamed her name. No response. Finally, I got close enough. I put on my emergency lights so she knew where I was. We finally connected.

Yvette and I had made the double bed in the guest room and library. She decided to sleep there to avoid disturbing Yvette and Josh, whose bedroom was beneath the guest room. They slept together there. Sidney was only five and still crawling into bed with his mom.

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

I slept well but woke up early. I was still struggling with an underlying anxiety. I meditated in bed. I was able to relax when I focused on sadness. I felt lonely. I am one of the fortunate. I have many people in my life. I don’t know how many conversations I have in a day. I need that contact. God forbid I didn’t have it. But it is also a form of torture. It’s like I need water, and every one offers me V8 juice. What is water in this context? It is someone silently being present in my company, not having a conversation or exchanging a word now and then.

Then there’s the other loss of not being someone’s number one. I heard an interview where Maggie Smith talked about the same feeling. She has children, but they’re involved with their own spouses and children. How could I not have understood that before?

I judged my mother-in-law harshly when she used other words to describe her feelings. She said she was alone. I told her she had her children. She responded, “They’re married to other people.” She was a self-center woman. I thought she wanted her children to herself to be the center of their attention. Maybe she did, but I sure understand it differently now. All the other contact I have with other people is both a pleasure and a form of torture because it is not what I was missing most from my relationship with Mike. Boy, do I miss him! I think it’s who I was in relationship with him that I miss. But it was him because I loved being in that relationship. It gave me joy, comfort, safety, and a deep sense of belonging. Did I take it for granted when I had it? I didn’t take the joy and comfort for granted. I think I denied how much the sense of belonging meant to me. I was always getting ready to lose him. No, I never thought he would leave me. I knew he would die before I did. No, I was not overly morbid. Everyone I know who lost a parent as a child does this. They prepare for that loss. It can be bad for the relationship if you worry about it every moment. But being aware of the fragility of life can also enhance the experience. I cherished every moment, even the annoying ones.

I went to Target today to pick up any of the items on Shivani’s list I could get before I shopped at Safeway. Many of the shelves were half bare. That was concerning. Were we facing a food shortage shortly, like no available food? I picked up most of the items on her list. I loved doing it, preparing for the needs of the people I share a space with. My life wasn’t busy enough, or was it just that I didn’t have enough people in my personal life at that level? On the other hand, I also felt I couldn’t handle a busy life with many clients.

One of the rehabs I go to called this morning to say that their PT had to cancel for the week because of Covid. She would have to quarantine. I freaked out. Had I been exposed to Covid? If I got it, the surgery would have to be canceled. Yvette had been in this last session to get some instruction on how to help me with the post-op rehab exercises. We were both freaking out. I called the rehab facility and asked, “When was the PT exposed to Covid?” “Yesterday.” Assuming she had it, I asked again, “No, when was she exposed.” She repeated, “Yesterday. She tested negative so far.” That means that Yvette and I were not exposed. Ahh!

I washed the kitchen floor and hallway tonight. I was too lazy to move my Bose radio sitting on the floor just outside my bedroom door. I must have splashed some water on it because the machine made a terrible noise. Hoping it was just that channel, I switched stations. No, the noise was there on all the stations. Oh well. Served me right. I blew out my Bose radio.

This evening Yvette came up to help me make the beds. This is the first time since Mike died that I have worked side-by-side with someone. It was a deep pleasure.

Monday, May 23, 2002

I was awake in the middle of the night, as is my bent these days. Frequent tooth brushing is part of the instructions in preparation for the surgery. I knew that antibiotics were prescribed before each visit to the dentist. Infection from the mouth could travel to the implant. I practically jumped out of bed when I realized the implications. I checked the information on the Internet. The site I found confirmed my worst fears. Infections could occur at the site for years afterward. One of the reasons I wanted to have the surgery done now is the uncertain economy. Would I have the money to pay for health insurance in five years? Given all the saber-rattling, would a surgical option even be available? Many implants last 20 to 25 years, which should take me to the grave.

Now that risk of infection is on my mind, the same question arises? Would I have the money for dental care? My mouth is a dental disaster area. The likelihood of me not encountering a problem within five years is zero. Would antibiotics even be available? I had to choose between two questionable options. If I had the surgery, I could get an infection within five years. If I didn't have the surgery, the doctor said my femoral head would collapse if I lived another 15 years. The latter looked like the better option at 3 am. I texted my surgeon with my concerns. And I texted Judy, "I've decided not to do it," without explanation.

I went to bed and remarkably fell asleep. I spoke to Judy first thing in the morning. She was beside herself. "What do you mean, you decided against it? Look at all the preparations you've made. This is crazy. Look at all the people you'd upset." She could put someone else in if I gave the surgeon enough notice. Julie would sleep longer if she didn't have to drive me to the airport at 5 am. The only one who would be negatively impacted would be Lutz. He would lose his free trip to Honolulu. He didn't agree to pick me up initially because of this benefit. It occurred to him afterward. He realized he could visit the German Consulate and get his German passport updated. Come to find out, he was born in Germany. His family moved to the USA when he was three. I assured Judy I would consult with my surgeon and with my dentist. I had already contacted both of them.

Dr. Chris called me back. He was fantastic. The research shows a high correlation between infection somewhere in the body and infection at the implant site. Still, there is no proof of a causal relationship. While some dentists insist upon continuing the antibiotic precautions for the rest of a patient's life, most now believe it is only necessary for two years. That's how long it takes for the muscle to encapsulate the implant, completely sealing it off from infection. The likelihood of infection in the first two years is low; after that, negligible. I jokingly asked if he could give me a two-year supply of antibiotics, preparing for the lack of money and dental care. He said no but could give me a prescription when I came in. He has other clients who see doomsday looming.

I had a 7:15 appointment with Katie, my PT. Well, that's what I thought it was. It was for 7:30. I sat on the bench in front of the office until someone came to open the place up. I told Katie I was seriously considering canceling the surgery. My walk had improved again, and now I had these negative options. We talked about what I could expect from surgery. I hoped for a greater range of motion; I was generally not in pain. I had acute pain in my ankle and then around my knee. Both of those cleared up, suggesting that they were caused by changes I made in my alignment. Muscles that had been lazy for at least twenty years got kicked into action and didn't like it.

Katie showed me how to modify my walk. She said I walked like a tightrope walker, putting one foot directly in front of the other. She said to keep a foot width between my feet as I walked. I first thought she meant 12 inches. "No, your foot." I narrowed my stance a little. It wound up she meant the width of my foot. Wow! What a difference. I could feel my left glutes kick in. Doing that also evened out my legs. The problem had all been in my back.

Katie told me that all surgeons recognize that patients' attitudes affect surgical outcomes. This wasn't good, given how much negative input I have had from all three of my body workers.

After the PT appointment, I headed to KP for my Botox injection. I get it to raise my left brow to improve my vision. The hanging brow acts like an awning, blocking it. Fortunately, I remembered to bring my warmest sweatshirt with a hood. It is freezing in that building. I asked the doctor and his nurse if they knew why they kept it so cold. The doctor answered, "To torture us." The nurses walk around with winter jackets on. It is freezing. The doctor speculated it had something to do with environmental temperature fluctuations making it hard to adjust the indoor temperature.

The doctor said my brow wasn't as low as when he first saw me, even though it had been six months. I asked if I had injections often enough, would those muscles relax. He said the goal was atrophy. He said they are stubborn little muscles. In the bad old days, when the surgeons did brow lifts, they would cut over the top of the head from ear to ear and peel down the flesh, exposing those muscles. They would surgically cut them. Six months later, they were up and running again.

I had my Reading & Writing office hour this morning. I thought three people had signed up. Only one person showed. I covered comprehension activities. I pushed the process where you ask detailed questions about every sentence in the text. I recommended writing three sentences using a new vocabulary word and discussing how the word's meaning was similar and different in each context.

The M& W sister canceled for today. The parents were very considerate and respectful of my time. They apologized for the late cancelation and offered to pay. Nah. They had no idea what I had to put up with some other parents. I can tolerate a lot. If someone apologizes, showing respect, I can tolerate a lot.

Sunday, May 22, 2022

I was awakened out of sound sleep to find my bed shaking. It stopped quickly. I knew it was an earthquake, a big one, but there was nothing I could do about it. I fell back asleep easily.

My body is doing incredibly well. I find walking much more effortless. I was sure it was all the work the P.T.'s were doing on me and having me do.

I texted the parents of the M& W sisters. Their dad called me. First, he apologized for not sending the report from the educational testing they had done on the girls. He and his wife are always looking for signs of dyslexia. Dad told me fifth grade W's teacher called with a good report. She did better in math and got 100% on a spelling test. She thought W would be ready for the academically rigorous Hawaiian Prep School. He said something about hard work paying off. I didn't know if he meant her hard work or mine. I prefer to work smart rather than hard. He set up today's appointment for 3 pm.

At 8:30, I left for church. I was in the car when I realized I had forgotten the walking stick. I had been forgetting it. I didn't even try to park in the church parking lot; I went straight to the one at the library. I sat on the lanai again at church, out in the open. I wanted to avoid getting sick at all costs. I did choose to sit during part of the mass when all others were standing. I was nervous about my leg holding out until I returned to the car. It all went well.

There was an incident in church today. I first noticed that Fr. Lio told everyone to remain in their seat. "We have medically trained personnel here to take care of emergencies." He called for T.J. She actually had trouble finding the person in distress. Once she was in place, Fr. Lio returned to the alter. He told everyone to calm themselves and refocus on the mass; "Use this time to pray for the person."

Because I was on the south lanai with its access ramp, the EMT workers had to go past me. They were inside for a while. The congregation did pretty well staying focused. When they left, I made a point of looking. The patient was an older man. They didn't flatten the gurney; the man was seated, sweating profusely and wiping his brow. I wondered what his symptoms were that alerted everyone to his problem. I thought better than to ask Sandor after the mass. He would have observed the whole incident from the alter as Fr. Lio had. I was bound to find out from someone. That would have been an annoyingly noisy thing to do.

I had an appointment with Jana. Supposedly, I am mentoring her so she can become a tutor. She applied some of my methods and found them successful. She understood immediately she could use them with others and wanted to learn more. She asked if I would mentor her. Yeah! She is the only person who has asked me to teach her my methods. She had success with everything I have shown her. I call her my first disciple. Eleven more, and I should be set. I joke with her about it. Teachers in the schools I worked in admired my results, but no one asked me to teach them what I did. While I was supposed to mentor her, she also advised me on my video. She gavs great feedback.

Yesterday, I made some changes to the Phase III PowerPoint. After doing that, I saw that many other slides had been partially erased. I didn't know how to retrieve an earlier version. I texted my tech asking for help. He didn't get back to me. I just created a new version.

I was getting ready to sign onto Zoom at five when Judy called. As I was talking to her and brushing my teeth, I heard a male voice from the side door. It was Isaac stopping by to say hello. I shared a hug and threw him out. The phone rang again. Sharry asked if she could stop by now to pick up her massage table. I store it here and make use of it. She only needs it occasionally for house calls. This was one of the occasions. Could she stop by right now? I unlocked the front door so she could slip in and pick it up.

I discovered all the categories on Netflix tonight. I checked out Hidden Gems. I had to be careful what I picked. I was overly stressed. I wasn't sure of all the reasons. There were just too many to count. Whatever was triggering me, I was in bad shape and couldn't afford more stress.

Saturday, May 21, 2022

In agony again this morning. Annoying. I thought it was a psychological problem, but it could be physical with nothing to do with my hip. We'll see. I know I feel better at night when I go to bed.

I texted the parents of the M &W sisters for a time for this morning's tutoring session. The mom had answered, but I didn't see the text. She called to ask if I could do it now. I set up shortly after 8:30. The girls were hardly awake.

Whereas their computer was usually set up in their bedroom, it was in the kitchen today. First-grade M constantly glanced over to the side. I asked her if she was looking at her mom. Yep. I felt she was afraid of her mom. M was less focused in our sessions. Did Mom discover that I allowed her to move about? We got the same work done with enforced behavior as when she's allowed more freedom. We lost time today because she was glancing over. I would rather have her relaxed. Learning goes better that way. If there are concerns about her behavior in the classroom, I could work on that separately.

Today we got involved in math concepts as introduced by the story. The question was," Are four minutes a little or a lot of an hour?" She had no idea. For her, four minutes was a long time. The concept we worked on is that more and less always requires context. Four is a lot out of five but a small amount out of 60.

Fifth-grade W had to choose between spelling, reading comprehension, and writing a new story. She didn't know. I made the choice and chose the spelling activity.

I continued spraying my yard with vinegar. My leg was finally good enough for me to do this. It was better than it had been in the last seventeen years. I texted my primary to ask if I could get an X-ray to check if the stem cell treatment had a positive effect. My surgeon assured me it didn't. She commented without seeing a current X-ray.

When I walked Elsa in the morning, I checked the mailbox. There was a package and mail in Yvette and Josh's box. The mail was for me. I assumed the package was too because Amazon said one would be delivered by 8 pm the night before. On one of my short walks, I opened my mailbox to discover the package was gone. I know there are problems with people stealing packages left outside. So far, we haven't had this problem. It was a disturbing turn of events. I called Josh to tell him what had happened. He said Yvette had gone to the mailbox to pick up a package. "Was it in a white plastic bag?" He didn't know, but he knew she had opened it already. Ah, I was glad to hear it was my mistake rather than a new development in my neighborhood. Josh suggested I track the package on Amazon to see what happened.

When I checked Amazon, I saw the postal worker had returned it because no one was there to receive it. I thought it said it was the UPS. That would make sense. It is UPS I use when I return an Amazon package. I was expecting new bathing suits. I last brought a new one in at least ten years ago. Once, I couldn't look good in two-piece bathing suits, I gave up all effort to find the most complimentary one. I put together shorts with a top. I wore mid-thigh shorts with a bleached-out purple sports bra when Damon was here. My friend Jean bought a new bathing suit and sent me the connection. She didn't have her thirty-year-old body either; I thought she looked great in her bathing suit. I was anxious to try it on.

I jumped in the car and drove to town to the UPS store. No, they didn't have a package in my name. It should be delivered to their store on Monday. Make sure I have the tracking number. They told me to call the UPS service to get more information. When I called and gave the tracking number, they said, "Sorry, that's not one of ours. It was delivered by USPS, the United States Postal Service." It was perhaps some newbie postal worker who played it safe. I made plans to stop at the post office on Monday. Then, there it was in the evening mail. I tried on the bathing suit. The large fits. I ordered a medium too. If the large fit, I couldn't imagine that the medium would. I didn't look as good as Jean did in her suits. She no longer has her girlish figure, but she always looks sexy.

Damon called. He left Wednesday a week ago. It is always good to speak to him. I loved the visit, even if it was too short. He explained that his wife and son couldn't stand to be away from home base for more than four days. When he blames his behavior, Cylin says, "Don't blame me for your needs." It's probably his need, too. He has strict rules that no one can stay in his home for more than four nights. If you're still in town, you have to go somewhere else.

I spoke to Damon about the housecleaning. I assured him if something needed to be cleaner than he needed it to be, I was perfectly comfortable taking care of it. He could even ask me to do something. He just couldn't be contemptuous. I can't handle contempt. I like it when people feel they can make themselves at home.

We also talked about his film. It was doing very well, given the effect of Covid on the industry.

Friday, May 20, 2022

Oh, boy. I woke up at 12:30, fully rested after going to bed at 10. I assumed it was close to 3 am. Anxiety hit hard. I wrestled with it for several hours, dozing on and off. At three, I got up to go to my old-lady chair to meditate. After an hour of meditation, I took my blood pressure, 174/101. Oh, boy, again. That was higher than it was yesterday. I texted Dr. Reed to report it. Should she increase my dosage of Losartan? I fell asleep when I went back to bed. I woke up with the dawn. The birds serve as an alarm these days. I lay in bed for a while and did an exercise Terry recommended to increase my hip flexibility. She tied a strap around my thighs and had me relax into it, creating as much opening as possible in a relaxed manner. I used my bedsheets for support, anchoring them with my hands.

While I have people in my life, I have no one who I can sit with without conversation. Each contact I have with another human being involves conversation. I desperately needed nonactive contact, and I had no way of getting it. Even thinking of active communication felt like torture at that moment. I didn't think I would be better with no contact with other people; I just needed this relaxed way to be in someone else's company.

As I walked Elsa, I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I didn't know if the high blood pressure was causing the anxiety or the anxiety was causing the high blood pressure. I knew I felt weird.

After I fed Elsa, I spent another hour meditating after taking my one morning blood pressure pill and two CDB pills. I retook my bp at the end of the hour, 125/73. I was unsure if the dramatic fluctuation, even down, was a good sign.

I worked on the updates and blog. The visitors on the public blog site are way down. There were only three yesterday. So far, the numbers haven't hit zero, but I anticipate that as a possibility. I will keep writing because it is the only thing that keeps me going. There were no new visitors to my YouTube videos on my reading method either.

My leg finally felt strong enough to carry the large spray container with vinegar to attack the weeds in the front yard. I was out there for a few minutes when it started to rain. I went back inside. I went out again later. The driveway was bone dry. As I sprayed, the rain started up again. This happened twice more. Should I be taking this personally?

Digging through a drawer for an eyeglass cleaning cloth, I found the battery-powered Oral B I remembered buying. When I came across a regular toothbrush, I assumed I had bought the wrong one and stopped at Long's to buy another one. They didn't have the battery-powered Oral B. Because of this error, I found Spinbrush; it's amazing. I was in love. Never before have I been so enthralled with any product.

I finally went over the Phase III PowerPoint presentation- briefly. I have no idea how to communicate how effective this method is.

I watched a sweet movie, Toscana, last night. It's a rom-com, of sorts, without stupid dialogue.

Thursday, May 19, 2022

I slept well till the early morning hours when anxiety and grief hit. I got up when the alarm went off, and things improved immediately. I had to be ready to leave for my 7 am PT appointment. Elsa and I set out. When I looked at the phone, it was 6:05 already. We raced home. I had to feed her and do a little cleanup.

I texted Yvette to remind her where the center was. She was going with me today to find out how she could help me after the surgery. She texted back that she was already in the driveway. Because the roads were empty, we made it there in less than 15 minutes. As we walked down the hallway to Terry’s therapy room, she came up behind us. Yvette paid close attention, taking notes and suggesting adaptations she could make. She left earlier than I did to take care of something before she had to be home for her 8:30 Zoom yoga class with her preschoolers. I wound up right behind her as we drove home. She made it just in time, down to the minute. I only found out later why she was delayed. One of her sisters called to say her father was in the hospital with various complaints. Since he is not prepared to change his lifestyle, he won’t be long for this world.

We had an intense windstorm today. It pruned the trees and collapsed a patio chaise lounge.

Shelly called at 10 am for our appointment. I wasn’t sure if we would speak today. Last week she called to cancel because she got a call from her aunt’s nursing home that she was “actively dying.” Shelly didn’t know if she would be available today at that time. It took her aunt four days to die. She almost considered coming home. The funeral was yesterday in a local church in Michigan, where she was raised.

I was not in good shape. I was anxious when I woke up; by now, I was devastated. I didn’t have another word to describe it. All movement felt like too much. It was psychological. Judy described me as sensitive. Shelly says I’m reactive and easily triggered. When I am, I always go to that place my mother put me in. I am wrong about everything, and no one likes me. I’m as sure as I can be that she merely used me as a whipping boy for her feelings about herself, believing she could do me no harm. When I told her she was hurting me, she insisted that wasn’t true and I was saying that just to hurt her. How do you get around that? I don’t know if I can ever get over this damage. The best I can hope for is to be functional. These feelings cropped up now and again with Mike, not because of Mike. Sometimes he comforted me; sometimes, he got pissed that I put myself down. I didn’t know if the session did any long-term good or was just a mood changer. It didn’t change by much. In the morning, I planned to get a lot done. Due to my mental state, I didn’t feel like moving. I was already tired after the PT session. I napped.

Terry used a wedge to raise my legs. Costco’s toilet paper package wouldn’t work. My hips would be at too sharp an angle. I pursued the wedge. First, I called Jacqueline, the lady who lends medical equipment for free. You can’t rent any equipment that has to do with water. Each person has to buy their own raised toilet seat and shower chair and then get rid of it. What a waste. It’s a sanitation law. No, Jacqueline didn’t have a wedge. She would need one herself; she had a double mastectomy on Monday. OMG! Did she want me to pick up the equipment now instead of waiting till next week? Yes. She said she would be home in five minutes. She had just driven someone for a root canal. It sounded like this lady devoted her life to helping others.

I need more Kangen water. I drove up to Paulette’s to pick it up and drop off the slice of traditional sourdough to Judy.

I did the Wordle puzzle for the day and solved it on the fifth try. I also solved the current mini NY Times crossword puzzle and a few from 2016.

I thought this would be a wide-open day. I wanted to get house cleaning and gardening done. I did, in fact, get a little of each done. While on the phone with Judy, I noticed the vine overwhelming the fence between us and Mei and Peter’s house. I removed a clipper and cut the vines as low to the ground as possible. I did some cleaning in the kitchen and the library. When I have a full day, I get more done. Isn’t that the adage? If you want something done, give it to a busy person. I caught up on the updates.

Wednesday, May 18, 2022

I slept well until the early morning hours. Then anxiety hit. When Mike was alive, I took a low dose of Lexapro on his insistence. I would say, “I take Lexapro for my husband’s anxiety.” Mike’s anxiety was off the charts. How he managed to conceal it was beyond me. But now, I could see it in myself better. I didn’t know if the anxiety was a nice healthy response to the circumstances: Covid, international saber-rattling, the stock market collapse, Mike’s death, my aloneness, or my impending surgery that I have to face without Mike and every one of my bodyworkers and the surgeon have said will not make me well. My bodyworkers said outright, I will be unhappy. The surgeon said, “Pain in my lower leg is caused by sciatica and will not be improved by the surgery.” I hoped the surgery wouldn’t make it worse. I would settle for being about the same. The only difference would be a femoral head that wouldn’t collapse within 15 years. Oh, well. We’ll see.

I got up early and got a meditation in. I wanted to do that more. I was in the middle of reading The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer. He meditated twice a day and managed to cope with a life that took off on its own. Now, all the stuff he reports is positive; if you don’t count, he was overwhelmed.

I had PT with Katie at 8:15 am. I stupidly took Mamalahoa Hwy thinking school would already be in session. There were no bus drivers available. Parents had to drive their children to school. The backup on the roads leading to the high school was not to be believed. I turned around. I had to go back to my neighborhood and start over again. I made it to my appointment by my chinny-chin-chin.

I told Katie the same thing I told Terry; I wanted to work on my old injuries in the reverse order of their occurrence. 1. The wrenching on my left inner thigh muscle. 2. My rotator cuff surgery, 3. My rotator cuff injury. 4. I pulled the left inner thigh muscle when I was nineteen 5. My fractured coccyx from when I was 12 and 4, my bruised ribs when I fell on a tent post, and I thought I had died and was glad. 6. A startle response, pulling my hips way over to the right, caused by an incident with my mother. That set my startle response pattern for life. 7. The injury to my neck delivered during my birthing process left me with a slightly lower left brow and a bashed nose. She worked on my shoulder. She approached the joint completely differently than Terry had. Amazing. These two women are a perfect complement to each other. I am so lucky.

Katie commented that I must have had an outstanding surgeon for my rotator cuff surgery. Most doctors go right for a shoulder replacement if there has been a long time between the injury and the surgery. I injured my shoulder in a fall when I was 35 or 36; I had the surgery at 62. She said most shoulder replacements leave people with a limited range of motion. I was unaware of how lucky I was. While my shoulder is tight, it is largely mobile.

I stopped off at the Hope Center for the Homeless on the way to my Kaiser appointment with Dr. Reed for my pre-op evaluation. Thanks to Cylin’s suggestion, I collected the empty refundable plastic bottles and soda cans from the Damons visit. I found someone to hand them over to. I was thanked. Lovely. These didn’t wind up in the trash, and someone who needed it made a few cents with them.

I arrived early at Kaiser. I hadn’t loaded my new Kindle yet; I had a book by Steven Batchelor, After Buddhism: Rethinking the Dharma for a Secular Age. I was called almost immediately. The nurse had to take my vitals and administer an EKG. All my vitals were good except my blood pressure. OMG! It had never been so high. On the first attempt, it was 147/73. On the second attempt, it was 167/73. I have been agitated. Could this be the cause for this escalation? The nurse didn’t even try to retake it. Dr. Reed said my EKG was good. There was no change from my last one, taken several years ago. I shared my concern over my increased anxiety. Damon had recommended I get a prescription for medical marijuana to help me deal with it. Dr. Reed said CDB is better for anxiety than marijuana. It can increase anxiety in some people. Dr. Reed asked if I would consider retaking Lexapro. She recommended a minimal amount, 5 mg. I agreed. She upped my blood pressure medication from two pills a day to three. She had reduced it to two pills a day only six months ago because my blood pressure was so low. We’ll see.

Dr. Reed asked me if I had second thoughts about the surgery. Oh, yes, and third and fourths. However, doctors have told me I have qualified/needed THR surgery for the last 13 years. I trust Dr. Salassa as I have not trusted any previous doctors. Two sources told me the current Kaiser surgeons are exceptional, and Dr. Reed spoke well of Dr. Salassa’s skill. Besides that, I was concerned about the collapse of the economic system, if not also the medical. That would make having the operation in the future impossible. To add to my concern, there is all the saber-rattling. Oh, do we ever live in interesting times! Seeing my life proceed so smoothly while others have already been sucked down the drain was amazing.

I took a nap when I got home. Elsa, as usual, decided to lay on top of me as I woke and considered getting up. I gave her some time. At 12:30, I left for Holualoa to pick up my Sundog bread order, one deli sourdough rye, and one traditional rye sliced for Judy. I arrived at the stand shortly after 1 pm. They had set up at a different location. I asked why. “Don’t ask. Politics.” The public parking lot is owned by someone who resents their using their land to distribute their product. The restaurant down the street welcomed them. It’s just for a few hours a week.

I got home in time to get on Zoom for Mama K’s crew. I texted her I was ready. She texted back that she was at a funeral. Oh, well. We have to work out a summer schedule.