Tuesday, May 24, 2022

 Tuesday, May 24, 2022

 

    I slept well but woke up early. I was still struggling with an underlying anxiety. I meditated in bed. I was able to relax when I focused on sadness. I felt lonely. I am one of the fortunate. I have many people in my life. I don’t know how many conversations I have in a day. I need that contact. God forbid I didn’t have it. But it is also a form of torture. It’s like I need water, and every one offers me V8 juice. What is water in this context? It is someone silently being present in my company, not having a conversation or exchanging a word now and then.

       Then there’s the other loss of not being someone’s number one. I heard an interview where Maggie Smith talked about the same feeling. She has children, but they’re involved with their own spouses and children. How could I not have understood that before? 

I judged my mother-in-law harshly when she used other words to describe her feelings. She said she was alone. I told her she had her children. She responded, “They’re married to other people.” She was a self-center woman. I thought she wanted her children to herself to be the center of their attention. Maybe she did, but I sure understand it differently now. All the other contact I have with other people is both a pleasure and a form of torture because it is not what I was missing most from my relationship with Mike. Boy, do I miss him! I think it’s who I was in relationship with him that I miss. But it was him because I loved being in that relationship. It gave me joy, comfort, safety, and a deep sense of belonging. Did I take it for granted when I had it? I didn’t take the joy and comfort for granted. I think I denied how much the sense of belonging meant to me. I was always getting ready to lose him. No, I never thought he would leave me. I knew he would die before I did. No, I was not overly morbid. Everyone I know who lost a parent as a child does this. They prepare for that loss. It can be bad for the relationship if you worry about it every moment. But being aware of the fragility of life can also enhance the experience. I cherished every moment, even the annoying ones. 

        I went to Target today to pick up any of the items on Shivani’s list I could get before I shopped at Safeway. Many of the shelves were half bare. That was concerning. Were we facing a food shortage shortly, like no available food? I picked up most of the items on her list. I loved doing it, preparing for the needs of the people I share a space with. My life wasn’t busy enough, or was it just that I didn’t have enough people in my personal life at that level? On the other hand, I also felt I couldn’t handle a busy life with many clients.  

   One of the rehabs I go to called this morning to say that their PT had to cancel for the week because of Covid. She would have to quarantine. I freaked out. Had I been exposed to Covid? If I got it, the surgery would have to be canceled. Yvette had been in this last session to get some instruction on how to help me with the post-op rehab exercises. We were both freaking out. I called the rehab facility and asked, “When was the PT exposed to Covid?”  “Yesterday.” Assuming she had it, I asked again, “No, when was she exposed.” She repeated, “Yesterday. She tested negative so far.” That means that Yvette and I were not exposed. Ahh!   

      I washed the kitchen floor and hallway tonight. I was too lazy to move my Bose radio sitting on the floor just outside my bedroom door. I must have splashed some water on it because the machine made a terrible noise. Hoping it was just that channel, I switched stations. No, the noise was there on all the stations. Oh well. Served me right. I blew out my Bose radio.  

     This evening Yvette came up to help me make the beds. This is the first time since Mike died that I have worked side-by-side with someone. It was a deep pleasure.