Thursday, May 19, 2022

 Thursday, May 19, 2022 

 

    I slept well till the early morning hours when anxiety and grief hit. I got up when the alarm went off, and things improved immediately. I had to be ready to leave for my 7 am PT appointment. Elsa and I set out. When I looked at the phone, it was 6:05 already. We raced home. I had to feed her and do a little cleanup.   

      I texted Yvette to remind her where the center was. She was going with me today to find out how she could help me after the surgery. She texted back that she was already in the driveway. Because the roads were empty, we made it there in less than 15 minutes. As we walked down the hallway to Terry’s therapy room, she came up behind us. Yvette paid close attention, taking notes and suggesting adaptations she could make. She left earlier than I did to take care of something before she had to be home for her 8:30 Zoom yoga class with her preschoolers.   I wound up right behind her as we drove home. She made it just in time, down to the minute. I only found out later why she was delayed. One of her sisters called to say her father was in the hospital with various complaints. Since he is not prepared to change his lifestyle, he won’t be long for this world.

   We had an intense windstorm today. It pruned the trees and collapsed a patio chaise lounge. 

    Shelly called at 10 am for our appointment. I wasn’t sure if we would speak today. Last week she called to cancel because she got a call from her aunt’s nursing home that she was “actively dying.” Shelly didn’t know if she would be available today at that time. It took her aunt four days to die. She almost considered coming home. The funeral was yesterday in a local church in Michigan, where she was raised.

    I was not in good shape. I was anxious when I woke up; by now, I was devastated. I didn’t have another word to describe it. All movement felt like too much. It was psychological. Judy described me as sensitive. Shelly says I’m reactive and easily triggered. When I am, I always go to that place my mother put me in. I am wrong about everything, and no one likes me. I’m as sure as I can be that she merely used me as a whipping boy for her feelings about herself, believing she could do me no harm. When I told her she was hurting me, she insisted that wasn’t true and I was saying that just to hurt her. How do you get around that? I don’t know if I can ever get over this damage. The best I can hope for is to be functional. These feelings cropped up now and again with Mike, not because of Mike. Sometimes he comforted me; sometimes, he got pissed that I put myself down. I didn’t know if the session did any long-term good or was just a mood changer. It didn’t change by much. In the morning, I planned to get a lot done. Due to my mental state, I didn’t feel like moving. I was already tired after the PT session. I napped.

   Terry used a wedge to raise my legs. Costco’s toilet paper package wouldn’t work. My hips would be at too sharp an angle. I pursued the wedge. First, I called Jacqueline, the lady who lends medical equipment for free. You can’t rent any equipment that has to do with water. Each person has to buy their own raised toilet seat and shower chair and then get rid of it. What a waste. It’s a sanitation law. No, Jacqueline didn’t have a wedge. She would need one herself; she had a double mastectomy on Monday. OMG! Did she want me to pick up the equipment now instead of waiting till next week? Yes. She said she would be home in five minutes. She had just driven someone for a root canal. It sounded like this lady devoted her life to helping others. 

   I need more Kangen water. I drove up to Paulette’s to pick it up and drop off the slice of traditional sourdough to Judy.  

   I did the Wordle puzzle for the day and solved it on the fifth try. I also solved the current mini NY Times crossword puzzle and a few from 2016.  

  I thought this would be a wide-open day. I wanted to get house cleaning and gardening done. I did, in fact, get a little of each done. While on the phone with Judy, I noticed the vine overwhelming the fence between us and Mei and Peter’s house. I removed a clipper and cut the vines as low to the ground as possible. I did some cleaning in the kitchen and the library. When I have a full day, I get more done. Isn’t that the adage? If you want something done, give it to a busy person. I caught up on the updates.