Mike's death; Betty's life...: June 2026

Sunday, June 7, 2026

Sunday, April 14, 2024

Last night, as I was preparing for bed, I heard a super loud coqui right outside my bedroom. I went out to see if I could locate him. Yes, it was a him. Only the males make that incredible racket. I had planned to leave the sliding door to the yard open as it was getting warmer. That noise made it out of the question. I thought to do something about it.

I went to the closet to look for the gadget I bought to spread the baking soda, which kills the frogs. It wasn't in the closet. I went out to the shed. I couldn't find it there, either. I got the bag of baking soda from the closet, chopped it into the compacted powder, scooped it out, and threw it where I thought the coqui was perched. I don't know if I got it, but I wasn't disturbed for the rest of the night. I slept peacefully until the alarm went off.

I experienced no negative thoughts upon waking about the coqui or anything else. Wow! This is a first since Mike died. I don't know how much I did this while he was alive. I know I wasn't free of it, but I don't think I did it as much. I felt safe, nestled in the protective embrace of the relationship.

I had a session with third-grade M. We continued reading Stuart Little. She is doing very well. I asked her if she was doing better in school. She said yes. I asked her if she understood what others said better. Also, yes. I suspect she doesn't need my help academically anymore. I asked her how much she enjoyed our sessions. She gave it a 7 out of 10. I'm more concerned about her psychologically now than academically. Her older sister has turned into a superstar, getting straight As in a challenging private school. Her mother is a very critical person. Her dad is an insecure bundle of nerves. It won't initiate the termination of our relationship. I'll wait till her mom or dad does so.

I heard Steve Peters talk on Steve Bartletts's podcast. I ordered his book, The Chimp Paradox, on Audible. I was interested because he talks about the different 'minds' in our brains. He's interested from a psychiatric point of view. I am, too, but I am also interested in it from a cognitive point of view. How do we learn? What is the role of the different parts of our brain? How do we remember? How much is the conscious mind, and how much is the unconscious.

I find his interpretation of the brain and our identity unsatisfactory. He calls our rational mind the human one, the one that accurately represents the person as they truly are. The 'chimp' mind, the emotional mind, is an intrusion.

I don't agree with him. His interpretation makes Spock the only true human on the Enterprise. My emotional mind is mine just as much as the rational mind of the prefrontal lobe. He does say while the chimp mind isn't 'our' true mind, we are responsible for its actions. He speaks of it as something not us, more like a dog we own or a child we're raising. We are responsible for the actions driven by the 'chimp' mind, but not the thoughts it produces. I see my emotional mind as just as much of me as my rational prefrontal lobe mind. The various parts of my mind work together to create 'me.' They are all parts of me, devoted to my survival and/or the survival of my genes. Saying the emotional brain is 'not the real me' is like saying if two authors co-write a book, only one can be the 'real' writer. The various aspects of my mind need to negotiate a relationship that works clearly for my benefit. Everything I do impacts others to some degree or another.

My dad raised me with that notion; I was responsible to some limited degree for everything on the planet. We all were. We impact everything. Nowadays, people talk about connecting with everyone as a spiritual realization. Most view it as just beneficial for themselves. They feel connected. I don't hear many talk about it as my dad did. With that connection was responsibility. If everything I do affects others, everything I become is for others as well as myself. They say people who live feeling connected to the larger universe are happier. I don't know if that is true. It certainly wasn't for me as I was growing up.

As I grew up, I felt the weight of that responsibility. I wasn't raised in a culture where that philosophical position was the norm. No, I was pretty much alone with it. I didn't have a good perspective. I had to develop that.

My dad also taught me that everyone does things for 'selfish' reasons. That was a hard one to digest, too. But I understand it now. While everyone does things to benefit themselves, 'good' people value the well-being of others as well as themselves. I venture even those who die for another do it for themselves. It is what they need to do. They couldn't live with themselves if they did otherwise. Some people couldn't care less about the wellbeing of others. I pity them. It can't be a happy way to live.

I hear all human beings need a purpose in life; benefitting others and having children are the most common ones. There are other objectives, like climbing Everest. Not my thing.

In another podcast, Stephen Bartlett interviewed someone who argued most heart conditions are caused by eating processed food. I hear that a lot. It's not that I disagree; I'm not sure what constitutes processed food. The speaker said anything that does not come to the table as it came from nature. The speaker said the rise of heart disease dates from the introduction of processed food. But what is it? Isn't cooking and seasoning a form of processing? I'm sure the speaker didn't mean that, but what does he mean? Spaghetti has been around forever. Bread? Neither offers the ingredients the way they came out of the ground. Of course, hot dogs, Doritos, and soda are all clearly no-nos. There must be a continuum.

Thursday, April 11, 2024

I had an appointment with Shelly at 9 am. Last week, I dealt with the unconscious rage someone felt for me.

I believe our primitive brains do feel a need to 'kill' people who are a threat to us. We feel easily threatened in our modern lives. Our primitive brains see contradiction as a threat. We are designed to live in small, highly regulated groups. They needn't be hierarchical. No, they can be non-hierarchical. However, the social rules are the same throughout the structure and are accepted by all. The pathway for all social interactions is laid out, and everyone understands them. If someone doesn't, they have to leave the group. Leaving the group in primitive times meant death. No human could survive on their own for long. You were either in and a valued group member or a future valued member (a child), or you were not. Nowadays, we have no single social structure; there are no rules we all accept.

Currently, we don't live in a well-regulated world. The rules are different from home to home and even within a home. Parents come from different cultural backgrounds and often move to a location with an unfamiliar culture to both parents. This applies to immigrants and people who move from one part of a country to another. We all stand on shifting sands, unsure of the rules. Some can live with the confusion. Those who can't insist their rules are right and judge others. It is nerve-wracking for one and all.

We casually throw around the phrase 'I could kill you,' meaning no harm. Most of us never acknowledge the impulse. However, the impulse is in there. It scares us all. We know the depth of our anger. It haunts us if we haven't acknowledged this impulse and made our peace with it.

When I did healing professionally, I led many clients through visualization to free them from fear and to help them recognize that the impulse doesn't make them killers, not even potential killers. I never did it with myself, even though I know how freeing it can be. Last week, I faced someone's anger at me. For the purpose of love and healing (an essential frame for the visualization to be healing). I allowed them to 'kill' me. I can't remember the details of the image, but I know it relieved some tension in our relationship. I saw differences.

Over the week, I thought it wasn't only the other person who wanted to 'kill' me; it Was also me who wanted to 'kill' them. I had to face that. I was sure that some of my anger at this other person had nothing to do with them. it was misplaced anger at my mother. I adored her. She was also lethal. She became enraged when she didn't get things her way. She needed total agreement with everything. I had to know 'what to do,' whatever she thought should be done. It was maddening. I have never dealt with the depth of my anger toward her. I still hadn't after this session. But I was able to deal with my anger for the other person. While I'm comfortable with my experience, I'm not comfortable sharing it in this format. Some may take the impulse literally. Many thoughts and impulses arise from the depths of our unconscious minds and don't result in action. Thank God. But those forces can be unleashed.

The massacres in Rwanda in 1994 is a frightening example. That impulse was unleashed. We all need to be on the alert. We can't take it literally. We can't make that part of our brains our masters. Neither can we assume it's not there. It's there in all animals. We have to surrender it to God in the Christian tradition or sit with it with equanimity in the Buddhist tradition. If we don't acknowledge it, we leave ourselves open for disaster. Those poor Hutus who woke up from that dream to discover what they had done. Many still soothe themselves by believing their hands on violence was justified. That's one way of dealing with the horror, but it doesn't lead to peace; it only leads to more horror. We are the most dangerous animal on the planet.

My image; it was violent and relieving, not because it 'destroyed' the other person, but because I observed the anger calmly, trusting it would do no harm to the other person. These images always have to be done for the purpose of love and healing of both parties. They may, in fact, be dangerous if they are taken too literally, even in our imaginations. I faced my anger calmly. I didn't have to fight it anymore. I didn't have to deny it to protect myself from seeing it in myself. Again, I saw an immediate change in myself and the other person.

At 10:15, I had an appointment with twenty-six-year-old S. No, she had done no reading since our meeting on Tuesday. Today, she ran into a problem. She couldn't remember words she had been reading with ease. This is common in the learning process. It could be a reversion to an old pattern or the mind fighting back. Her brain was changing with the new learning. I wasn't concerned about the 'setback.' But I was concerned about her emotional reaction to it. I worried she would take it as a bad sign.

S particularly struggled with the name Deena. Not only couldn't she remember the name, which she read repeadtedly every time we met, she couldn't remember the double ee stood for the long /e/ sound. Then she couldn't for the life of her sound the na in the right order. She kept switching it to an. She allowed me to push her through. She got it. But I'm not sure what was going on in her brain. She couldn't tell me. I assured her we could fix it.`

I called the supervisor at the solar company I engaged to replace the solar panels I got from Hawaiian Solar in 2017. Those panels wound up being a bad batch. Many have given out already. They were replaced one at a time- but it took forever. There are only seven Hawaiian solar customers affected by this problem. Beth, the office administrator, is one of them. The company decided to give these customers the choice of continuing with them or accepting a warranty payment. I chose the payment, not knowing all the implications.

Provision Solar assigned a young man to my case. He asked me basic questions. He called me again to say he needed the Enphase report on my current panel production. He encouraged me to go with the complete replacement, using 400 kw panels instead of the 300 I have now. That was the last I heard from him. On March 14, I had Beth send him a diagram of my existing panels, showing which had already been replaced. I never heard from him again. I didn't even receive the proposal for the partial replacement. I called him; he said he had sent it out last week; he was on the road now and would send it out when he returned to the office. Nothing. Today, I asked to speak to his supervisor. He said I would have the proposals in the next 35 minutes. I received an email containing only one proposal. I called the supervisor to report that I received the complete replacement proposal but not the partial one. I received both within the next 35 minutes.

The supervisor advised me against replacing the defunct 300 panels with more of the same. They were hard to find. Was he telling the truth? I called Beth at Hawaiian Solar. Beth confirmed that the 300 panels were hard to come by. They weren't making them anymore. She had to search in the back rooms of warehouses. I trust Beth completely.

The other question I had was about the tax rebate. According to the proposals the young man sent me, I am entitled to a tax rebate with both proposals. I checked this with Beth, too. She said no. If I just replace the panels that had never given out, I would not be eligible for the tax rebate. I will check this information with my accountant.

I was home all day because I had the fifth appointment with the Sears repairman. Two of them were canceled at the end of the day to say they didn't have a repairman available. On the third one, the problem was diagnosed. On the fourth visit, the repairmen discovered the wrong parts had been sent, and he had to reorder. The fifth visit was a successful one. My refrigerator ice maker worked again.

I am making changes in response to what I'm learning. I've stopped drinking orange juice. after my shoulder and elbow surgeries, my caretakers fed me orange juice daily and oatmeal. I continued after they left. On one of the podcasts, orange juice was condemned for containing too much sugar. I substituted green tea for the o.j. Green tea is considered a superfood.

I also learned the importance of having contact with the Earth on one of the Huberman podcasts. Everything on my property is rocky. Darby and Patrick have a lovely, thick lawn. I asked her if I could walk there once a day. Of course. I could feel the difference immediately. I don't know if it is as healing as it claims to be, but it feels good.

These podcasts also discuss diets, such as sixteen-hour fasts and sugar-free diets. In response, I ate more and gulped down sugar. I panicked.

Wednesday, April 10, 2024

I called first-grade BZ's mom this morning to say I didn't think she required more tutoring. I recommended we meet once for a half-hour session and the following week for fifteen minutes so she didn't feel abandoned because she did well. That would be a damaging association. First, her mom said okay. Then, I asked her if she agreed with me. She said she would prefer to stop cold turkey and continue if BZ asks about it.

I have fallen into a Steve Bartlett podcast sinkhole. From what I've heard, his is the most popular podcast on YouTube. He interviews people on human development and improvement. It does me good to hear about the struggles of all human beings to be better people. I don't know if it will help me improve or just be comforting to know I'm not alone. Either way, it isn't a total loss.

Bartlett interviewed Steve Peters, a psychiatrist. Peters talks about improving our social/emotional life. He talks about the three parts of the brain from that perspective. I was interested in understanding it from a cognitive perspective. Many of my students are resistant to using their conscious minds to learn. They want it all to come easily without effort. I tell them I'm on their side; I share their goal. However, we need to use our conscious minds to train our unconscious minds. Once our unconscious minds have learned, there's no stopping us. Peters said the unconscious mind, which he called the computer, is a huge storehouse of information, operating 20 times faster than the conscious mind, which he calls the human mind, and 4x faster than the emotional mind, which he calls the chimp mind.

Research shows that most of what we do every day is dictated by our unconscious minds. Those neurons in the back of our brain and those involved in firing muscles are in play before our conscious minds start to stir. The role of our conscious minds is to observe and judge the efficacy of the plan our unconscious minds have already put into action. Our conscious minds have the role of putting on the brakes. The conscious mind is occasionally involved in evaluating choices and making decisions long before an action is set into motion. This is a cognitive view of these three parts of our brain.

I went to Ulu Wini again today. I go twice a week. As I approached the table where the students sat, Ipo asked who wanted to work with me. No one responded. Then, she told third-grade BR she was it. BR made a face. I imitated her face and told her to come. She smiled and came. We continued working on her automatic recall of words. She went through all the sight word lists I had on hand, words 1-200, whereas last time, she only took on the first 50 words. I need to print out lists through 400.

I called on 3rd grade AR next. I noticed yesterday she didn't understand the concepts of before and after. I called in 3rd grade BER to help. I formed a line with the three of us.

Then, I went through who was before AR and who was after AR, etc. Then we turned around and did the same exercise. I had AR list everything she did in the morning when getting ready for school.

She listed eight activities listed. I then went through her. She brushed her teeth before washing her face and her face after brushing her teeth. Yesterday, I asked her the words before and after in her parent's language. She had no idea. Today, she identified those words. This is a significant step in language awareness. It might have been possible there were no words for before and after in her native language. If not, there would have been another to express the concepts, but not two words.

When I worked with Adolescent D today, he delivered an amazing surprise. He now thinks figuring out words is fun!!!! Halleluiah!!! If he keeps playing with it, the sky's the limit. He also follows my directions, looking for the familiar parts of the word. He identified the suffix -tion before the rest of the word. For those of you who think all words should be read from left to right as they are written, know the eye movements when we read constantly jerk back and forth. We collect the familiar parts and assemble the word on the fly. Even Orton Gillingham teaches that. Identify the suffixes and prefixes first. Suffixes come at the end of the word. Those of us who process lines of print in a single glance know the unconscious brain, the part that processes information 20x faster than the conscious mind, does the work. We don't know exactly what it does and does not do.

No one else wanted to work with me after that. I was packing up when 3rd grade SE sat down with an eager look. I asked if he wanted to work with me. Yesterday, I worked with automatic processing. He only made it through the first 25 words but was amazed to discover that his mind gave him those words without struggling. He repeated that performance today. He was thrilled. So was I.

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

I finally got around to trimming the shrubs that had gotten out of hand along the driveway. I reached many of the branches in the front with ease. Since I was cutting a nine-foot shrub down to six feet, branches at the top and back were hard to reach, even with a three-step ladder. I thought I would have to ask someone to help me, but I figured out a way. I feared using the step ladder on the uneven ground by the fence. Then I calculated that I would be safe between the stability of the six-foot wire fence and the dense shrub. I was.

I filled one 5-gallon Home Depot orange bucket with the shrub cuttings. Darby carried it home after we walked together in the evening. I will fill it up again when she returns it until the driveway is clear. Then, I’ll start on the next shrub.

I didn’t weed the mulch patch where the Ficus trees had been removed. I was waiting for my short-handled pick axe to arrive on the 15th because this rocky ground is hard to dig in.

I went to Ulu Wini today instead of Thursday. Sears was scheduled for the third attempt to fix my ice dispenser. So far, all the parts delivered were the wrong ones.

I started with 3rd grade SE. Ipo called him several times to work with me, but he refused to come. I finally walked across the yard and ordered him to work with me. I can appreciate his reluctance. The last time I worked with him, it was nothing but frustration and failure. Today, I started with the first 50 words on the Fry Sight Word List. I don’t know if I had already showed him how to draw on automatic recall. If I did, he hadn’t remembered it. Today, he got it. He went through the first 25. He was surprised every time his mind produced the correct response. I tell the kids to say what their mind says, even if it’s the wrong answer. All the mind’s responses give me information on how their mind works. Then, I can diagnose the problem.

SE did better the first time he read through the first 25 words than the second time. I asked him if there was movement in his brain. He first told me no. Then he told me there was, but it was in a different place than last time. I guided him through a spin release. Where last time, the spin increased in speed before it stopped; today, it decreased in speed before it stopped. He also told me the ugly brown mass at the top of his head was gone. Looks like we’re moving in the right direction.

Fifth-grade RC asked to work with me. Before, I read the text from Hatch and asked comprehension questions. RC asked if she could read it herself. Her word recognition is weaker than her comprehension. I stopped the work on comprehension and concentrated on decoding multisyllabic words. Fifth-grade MA heard what we were working on and asked to join. They both caught on to the six-step procedure for decoding multisyllabic words I teach. I gave them paper, pencils, and my Kindle and told them to work on their own. Now they saw this as a game, nothing could stop them.

In my second session this week with first-grade BZ. Yesterday, we worked on her discomfort when things don’t go her way. Her mom confirmed this was a problem in all aspects of her life. Today, I continued working on related problems besides her need to have everything her way; she needs everything to be easy, too. She doesn’t feel good putting in effort. She reported that her reading was better, although she was still in a group of underperformers. I assured her she was way ahead of her grade level in other ways and she would be fine, better than fine. Her memory of a story and comprehension are off the charts.

Today, something unexpected came out. She was scared of a shooter attacking her school. Wow! These poor kids are sitting trapped in the classroom with that specter hanging over their heads. They do regular sniper attack drills. When I was in elementary school in the late forties, we dove under our desks in anticipation of a nuclear attack from Russia. Really!!?? Did anyone think being under our desks would protect us?

Back to BZ. I taught her statistical likelihood. I drew two rectangles. For the first, I asked her if her mom had given her dinner the night before and whether she would give her dinner again tonight. She said yes. For the 100%, I filled in one of the rectangles. When I asked how much of the rectangle I should fill in for the chance of a shooter attacking her school, she also said the whole thing. I drew a comparison between her mom giving her dinner and the likelihood of a shooter hitting her school. Did one come yesterday? Does she think there is a good chance one would come tomorrow? No, on both counts. I colored in a small portion of the second rectangle. She said it relieved her fears.

Monday, April 8th, 2024

I made it to the Chi Qigong class by 8 a.m. Roger, who led the class last week, was there, but Clyde was leading it now. He barely knew what he was doing. He knew the moves, but he couldn't execute them. Roger took over after Clyde finished one sequence.

That made a huge difference. Clyde will take over the class in May when Roger and Janeen leave for six months in Colorado. At the end of the class, Roger said he was amazed at how well I caught on. I told him I was a dancer.

I was never a professional dancer, just an amateur. As a child, I did improvisational dance daily. My paternal grandfather sat in our living room every day from early morning until after dinner. , My mother said the other residents in the apartment building thought he lived there. He might as well have. He wasn't beloved, only tolerated, but he was my savior. He asked me to dance to the classical music that was constantly on the radio. I danced my heart out. I vented my fear, loneliness, and general sorrow. I don't think I would have made it without that release. I was jumping out of my skin.

One of the Chi Qigong class participants, a professional Hulu dancer, led us through a foundational exercise. I learned that the Hulu's bent knees demonstrate humility. We were instructed to imagine a five-inch nail into our belly button toward the spine with a glowing red tip. We were to see the red tip getting brighter. I didn't feel the image. More instructions would have been helpful.

Janeen was one of the most naturally beautiful women I have ever seen. I saw a twenty-something restaurant hostess that might have her beat. However, she was in her twenties; Janine was in her late 50's or early 60s.

I had an appointment with twenty-six-year-old SE. Each time I meet with her, I ask her if she did some reading on her own. She would tell me she didn't have the time. I pushed her to answer the question with words like "No," or "I thought about the words," or" I glanced at one of the stories you emailed me,", . . . . anything. "

Darby texted me that she had returned the large trash barrel that I wheeled down to her house with palm fronds. She uses them for compost. Last time, it had been sitting there for days before I noticed it. I could load up another container of green waste to deliver to her house. As I came up from the yard after putting another load together, Elaine was in my driveway with a good-sized slice of her homemade vegetarian lasagna. Her son had visited, and it was one of his favorite dishes. I said, "Ooh! I'd love a slice," just making joyful conversation, expressing appreciation for her cooking skills. She took me literally, which I didn't object to, but I also hadn't expected her to remember. Yet, here she was delivering it. I reminded her I was delighted, but she didn't have to. She said she knew that. Most people understand I don't expect people to give me what I ask for. By the way, it was delicious. I always appreciate someone else's cooking.

Later in the day, I got around to vacuuming up the spot where Elsa peed the other morning. When I turned around after cleaning up that spot, I found she peed somewhere else.

Sunday, April 7, 2024

I had a terrible night. I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to start the day. When I checked the time, it was 12:30 a.m. I spent the rest of the night in a light doze, haunted by sadness and disappointment. I really have very little to complain about.

Today, I played the gentle yoga video on YouTube but didn’t make all the moves. I preferred to err on the side of caution until my back pain cleared up. I did complete 4,000+ steps on my morning walk with Elsa. I ran into Dean and Nina, who updated me on their new baby chicks.

They ordered 17 baby chicks by mail. Only ten survived. Dean thinks they died because they were kept at the Minneapolis airport for two nights instead of being shipped out immediately.

I had a good time in church, falling into a delicious sleep every now and then. This happens when I meditate, too. I went to Petco after church to change my appointment for Elsa’s grooming -again. I changed it from Monday to Wednesday to attend the Chi Qigong class at the Ole A(the old airport) park on Monday between 8 and 8:45 a.m.

I’ve been watching This Is Us on Netflix. I got up to Season 3 Episode 3 before I got worn out. Is the show a serial frustrater like Lost was? I hope they conclude it with a resolution instead of leaving us in suspension. We need a coda. Real life leaves us in suspense. My niece Shivani said one of the benefits of reading is escape. I have never been able to use it that way. I suspect I never felt safe enough in my childhood home to take my eye off my immediate environment. No, I was not physically attacked- never, but the verbal attacks were loud and percussive. I consider my inability to find comfort in books a loss.