Monday, October 21, 2024
I slept better last night, waking up around midnight after falling asleep at 9:30. However, I fell back asleep until 2:30. I had a nightmare. Unusual for me.
I was clinging to the undercarriage of a semi-trailer as it moved down a two-lane highway. The driver warned me that I had to detach before much longer because he would hit a section of road I could not survive. I was scared. When I woke at 2:30, I recalled the dream. I fell asleep again and had a reprieve of the same dream.
While the driver’s voice was male, the experience reminded me of my life with my mom. She didn’t walk; she ran from one spot to the next, whether she moved between the kitchen and dining area or was tearing through the local grocery store. Dorothy and I had to run after her. If we didn’t keep up, we got yelled at. Just thinking about it causes anxiety.
I finally was out of bed by close to six-thirty, unusually late. I had a thought as I drove to Old A for my Monday Chi-Qigong session with Clyde. Why hadn’t I asked the driver to stop the truck so I could safely let go? There was no way I could have asked my mom to stop or slow down without consequences.
When I arrived at the Chi Qigong site, Clyde wasn’t there. By the time I got myself organized and out of the car, Cylde had parked and was organizing himself. After the session, we sat for a few minutes to talk. Clyde told me he had a dream last night himself. He was coming over a rise when he saw a figure dressed all in white and bathed in a white light. When he saw the face, it was clearly mine. I appreciated the positive sentiment. I thought it was interesting in light of my dream. I don’t interpret my nightmare as all negative. I see it as me finally facing an old fear. In my worldview, negative feelings can’t heal unless we face them. I’m sure there’s another school of thought out there.
The other school of thought is to ignore negative feelings and soldier on. I don’t think that’s wrong. As with all solutions, there’s too much of a good thing. The trick is knowing when to zig and when to zag. I overdid zigging. I had to consciously learn denial as a coping strategy. It did me a world of good. My sister helped me to learn it. I could have used more insights from her. Unfortunately, she believed I should have known and didn’t share her wisdom.
I went to Target after Chi Qigong. I needed eggs, bread, and jam. I noticed Haagen Das and some great frozen meals were still on sale. I couldn’t buy that at the time. I planned to stop at Kaiser for my Botox shots and a flu shot, but I did pick up a small box of mini cinnamon rolls, a brie, and a double package of cream cheese.
I had trouble finding my car. It couldn’t possibly have been stolen. I walked up and down the aisles, hitting the door open button. It was exactly where I thought it should have been. When I looked the first time, I hadn’t gone far enough. Who knows what I was thinking.
My car clock said 9:23, and my Botox appointment was at 9:30. I hoped I would make it on time. My clock was 7 minutes fast, and I was about five minutes away.
While I made it on time, I had trouble signing in at Kaiser. Nothing to slow one down like racing. I finally checked in and went to the second floor to surgical specialties. I had a short wait.
While waiting, a woman came out of one of the offices. She gave me a big, friendly smile that confused me. Did she know me? Then, she engaged me at an intense level, greeting me with Spock’s handshake. I wasn’t sure if she was a little off. It was such a firehose of friendliness. I engaged with her. She told me how unbelievable it was that some young people didn’t know who Spock was. The topic switched to the history of television.
I told her my mother was six months pregnant with me when she saw a television that could be in the home. She said I must be younger than her. Her recollection was that the first television came out in the mid-fifties. My mother saw it in September 1940 at the 1939 World’s Fair in Flushing, New York. It wound up a pleasant exchange. But I wondered, is this how people experience me with my friendliness? Friendliness depends on someone’s comfort with improvising in the moment with a total stranger. I’m good with it. Rather, I enjoy it.
I apologized to the doctor for missing our earlier appointment but told them they owed me a thanks. I had forgotten to show up, but later that afternoon, I felt bad. These were my first symptoms of Covid.
While the insurance covers Botox for my left eye, which drooped so low over my eye that it obscured my vision, the doctor treats the right side of my forehead, too. I know he loves his work. I don’t think he can resist doing the best job possible. I asked him if the muscles would eventually give up or if I would always need these injections. He said for the muscles to atrophy, I would need an extensive set of frequent shots. When he administered the shots, he said my muscles did seem to be atrophying.
I have a drooping left eyebrow because of the face I made for 19 years every time I took a drag off a cigarette, and I smoked two to two and a half packs a day. I figure if I could create the problem, I can make some contribution to undoing the damage. I consciously work on relaxing the muscles on that side of my head. Maybe I should tell the doctor that those brow muscles are part of a set on the left side of my head, reaching as far back as my left ear. I know the face I made. My mother always warned me not to make faces; it could become permanent. I hate to say it: my mother was right.
I stopped to get my flu shot before I left Kaiser. A separate room is set up for dispensing these shots: Covid, flu, and RSV. I had the Covid shot five days before the Covid symptoms showed. Everyone says it reduced the impact of the disease. I asked the nurse if I should have the flu and the RSV today. No, just one. Which one to start? The flu shot.
I went home to nap afterward. I put away the food I bought from Target and took that nap. I set my alarm before I did for 11:25. I would be driving Lutz to the airport to catch his flight to South East Asia. He will be there for the next seven months. It’s cheaper, and he says the people are nicer. I’m sure they’re nicer. They don’t understand what he says and see him as a rich American.
I was at Lutz’s house at least five minutes early. We’re both German. He was born there and came to the US when he was eight. On-time in Germany is at least five to ten minutes early. he wasn’t ready.
I had Elsa in the car. I let her run around Lutz’s yard. It was the first time I let her loose in an unfamiliar place. She ran around checking things out. She always came when I called. My only concern with her is that she chases moving cars. She’s prepared to take them head-on. The dog is a complete idiot.
It took Luz a few minutes to get his shoes on. His daughter and grandkids were there. They both kids have speech impediments. They have psychological reasons for this problem, if not neurological. Their dad died in a car accident a little over a year ago. I dropped Lutz at the Hawaiin Airline departure area. There was no one else in line yet. It’s the way he liked it. Spoken like a true German.
When I got home, I had lunch: an everything bagel, cream cheese, and lox. My Hanat sister Jean called. She will be seeing a neurologist because of a hand tremor. I have one of those, too. My PCP said it was benign and not to worry about it. My mom and granddad had the same thing. My granddad’s was impressive. His hand really shook. The man was fearless. He not only took on eating green peas, but he shaved daily with a straight-edged razor.
When I got home, I bathed Elsa. I was supposed to do it on Sunday but forgot. Her skin is so much better. Her back and sides were clear of lesions, and only a few were in her groin area. I am thrilled with the improvement. The groomer at Petco gave me the healing advice.
I took a box of strawberries over to Darby, the only taker besides Joseph and me. I noticed this morning that Joseph had finished that whole Costco-sized container last night. I ate three out of my box. We took a total of four boxes from B last night. He got several flats of strawberries from his friends. He called to ask if I wanted any. I asked Joseph if he wanted some. I called Mei. She doesn’t like strawberries. I texted Judy and Paulette. I got a no from that quarter. They are on a special diet. They can’t eat anything that isn’t on it. Darby was the only one who said yes. My guess is that Joseph will take the remaining container.
I sat down to work on the updates and blog. After listening to the second half of Fresh Air, I took another short nap. Then, I had an appointment with the fourth-grade LG.
We continued working on math. I drew an array of two groups of three circles and two equations: ____+____ =______ and _____X______=. When he solved that one, I added another circle to each group. I let him figure it out as much as he could. I would say, “If you need help, let me know.” He had trouble determining the total in each group and whether the number after the equals sign should be the total. He could not understand the relationship between the concrete, the diagram, and the abstract, the equation. He saw the repeated pattern in the equations better than its relationship to the concrete. Wow!