Mike's death; Betty's life...

Monday, September 21, 2026

Saturday, December 28, 2024

I had a horrible night’s sleep. I went to bed by 9:30 and fell asleep before Elsa joined me, but I woke up at 1:30 and was ‘up’ for the rest of the night. I put it in quotes because I must have done some sleeping, but it sure didn’t feel like I did. There was nothing in particular bothering me, I was in a hyper state and couldn’t calm down. I have nights like that occasionally. Fortunately, not more often. It feels horrible. It reminds me of those years after my dad died and before I left home for college, where every night was an insomniac one. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Well, maybe there are a few people I can think of. No one I have direct contact with.

I would need a deep nap before I took on the day. Dean and Nina were coming over for our weekly game of Sorry, an excuse for an extended visit.

I texted Mama K to see if I could meet with the twins. Our arrangement is very casual. I work with her kids for free. She is the relative of a friend, and I know there’s not a lot of money. It allows for a wonderful freedom. I aim to get each twin several times a week for 10 to fifteen minutes at a time. It works well for all of us.

Evidence-based research (If everyone else can bandy this term about, I can too.) shows that short, frequent sessions are more effective than long, infrequent ones. No one has time to get bored; we can call it quits when anyone involved does.

I had tickets for a student dance concert at 6:30 p.m. for $50, a donation to support the dance studio. I walked Elsa at three and set her food out at 4:30. I left at 5:30, leaving a light on for Elsa. Darby was going to walk her later.

Friday, December 27, 2024

I asked GV’s mother and Moma K if I could record a session with their children. Both said yes. I wanted the videos, so I had something to show Steven when he came over to discuss the possibility of using my method for the teachers in the school he was advising.

Steven spent most of his career in education as an administrator in UN schools in Latin America and Asia. He is currently advising a new school in India. It’s a free boarding school for girls from poverty to spare them a life of prostitution. Steve observed that the teachers used methods prevalent in the 17th century. The teaching style compares unfavorably to a college lecture series. I say unfavorably because they’re not well informed on the topic and make no effort to address the confusion of their children. The method worked well in the 17th century because those who were ‘intelligent’ got it, and the rest were classified as slow and not taught at all. Not a flawed system in the 17th century. Universal literacy wasn’t a goal.

I am terrified about presenting my ideas to Steve. He is an intelligent man, but I don’t think most people trained in education will be responsive to my methods. I would love to have the technique incorporated into schools, especially schools with minority students who have a poor track record for producing good readers.

My method looks chaotic to them. Classroom teachers need order. This method responds to whatever comes up. Judging from my husband’s reaction to my way of thinking, I can’t imagine any teacher being responsive. Mike often said he would fire me if I worked for him; he meant it. He was a gifted administrator who was appointed to the head position in several mental institutions in NJ. Several because he was sent in to fix bad situations. As I said, he was gifted.

I’m not critical of folks like that. They are needed to provide stability for cultural institutions. If I’m going to introduce something different, I have to find a way to slide it into their worldview without disrupting it. Both of us have a job to do.

I finally figured out one cause for GV’s learning problem. His guesses are really wild. This excellent method allows me to focus on small details and catch things faster than I might otherwise. He’ll say, “I don’t know. I’ll just guess,” and the results show no evidence of any consideration of the facts. I realized when he says that, he’s giving up. I asked him, ”When you say I’ll guess, are you saying see this is the best I can do, now leave me alone or see this is the best I can do, just give me the answer?” he said the latter. Ah! I’m providing him with strategies for getting close enough when he reads, or someone else has to read what he has written to figure out what he is saying. I insist he had to try one of the strategies I’ve taught him. I don’t expect him to get the correct answer; it must be logical. I’m big on logic.

On our evening walk tonight, Darby said something amazing. Her plants are doing much better with my green waste than they did with hers. She composts everything she cuts back or down. She has done this over the last 20 years since they bought that property. Now, her plants are thriving on my green waste as they never did on hers. Why? She speculated that the microbes from my yard were different from hers. We both think it’s not that my microbes are better than hers, but that difference makes the difference.

That cooked chicken from Costco I bought for Christmas dinner was sitting in my fridge. I was never going to eat all of it. I offered some to Joseph, my tenant with whom I was going to share Christmas dinner, and made a crack about walking the neighborhood to offer it to others. He asked when he could take it to work. Brilliant. Now! I found a container where the grease couldn’t penetrate, and off it went.

The bore drill bits I bought didn’t work as well as I hoped. When they got up to a certain point, the drill jammed. It didn’t have the power to dig that bit into the greenwood. English Mike had recommended the Milwaukee brand over the others. While The internet site claims our local Home Depot carried Milwaukee bore drill bits, they don’t. I tried the Diablo four-set drill bits. I chose the smallest of the four. It jammed. I don’t know if the Milwaukee brand is the only one good enough for drilling holes in the greenwood, the drill isn’t powerful enough to do the job, or I need a yet smaller-sized drill bit. Lutz made drilling a hole with a half-inch drill bit easy. I can’t get it to work for love nor money.

Thursday, December 26, 2024

Joseph and I got into a discussion about religious claims of absolute authority. I argue that if God is infinite and unknowable, there is no way an individual or a group of individuals can capture the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I prefer an image of a generous God, one who offers a variety of paths of worship, a Smorgasburg of choices. Each theory of reality, any reality, winds up in a cul-du sac, including anything I generate. The human plight.

A new slight variation on a theory of interpersonal relationships. They work because of the degree of overlap, as in a Venn diagram. The degree of overlap determines our ability to get along with others. This is complex. That degree may only reflect the quantity of overlap, but we need to take quality into consideration as well. I'm not sure how to graph that.

One platform for commonality in a relationship is a common structure, a set of social rules. All small primitive cultures have rules. The closer the social group lives to physical survival, the more narrowly structured the social system. A military group under fire is an example of that. Relationships are all subsumed to achieving a single objective: the survival of everyone in the group. Most social groups don't live that close to the edge of survival. Social rules are looser.

They become looser when the state of emergency has passed. We all know that to be the rule. People have an amazing capacity to work together in the face of a life-threatening emergency. The moment it's over, conflicts begin again. We function best with a pinpoint objective. Somehow, most of us know the 'rules' then.

Since we don't live in a state of emergency in the modern era, we need a different way to relate to each other. The salvific religions only popped up in the last 3,000 years. There were probably many previous attempts to make a salvific religion stick. The two I'm familiar with are Christianity and Buddhism. They offer comfort to individuals and arguments for compassion to all humans in the case of Christianity and all living things in the case of Buddhism. Good try. Are we better off since these religions were introduced? That's an anthological question I'm not prepared to answer, but I don't see that we've reached a golden state as a species. We're still all scared animals.

We've increased our ability to handle divergence among our species: divergent individuals, divergent strengths and weaknesses, divergent languages, divergent cultures, etc- at a distance. Everything's OK if they're not my neighbor. It's understandable if you think your neighbor should behave according to your rules, and he says you should be living by his rules. How do we find a satisfactory solution so everyone is satisfied? What skills do we need?

I've experienced several personal situations of interpersonal difficulty. I argue we can work it out. They claim it can't be worked out. Some say you either get along with people or you don't. You can't work it out. Others say I'm in the wrong. I should know the right way to behave. I have had some success where my negotiating skills and the skills of the other are compatible enough to make a negotiated settlement that's pleasing to both parties. I consider myself to be very lucky. I've been with people with whom I can openly talk about what makes me comfortable or uncomfortable, and they can talk about it with me. Of course, I cannot know if they were as open with me as I was with them. I also have no way of knowing if the limit they put on their degree of openness was because of a failure on my part or theirs. I know I achieved that comfort with my husband and my mother in the last 18 years of her life. Does that mean that everything was perfect? No. Just good enough.

I had an appointment with fourth-grade GV. It was clear he had an auditory processing problem. He spelled help as hapl. He didn't attend to the phonemic sequence. In dictating sentences, he can't remember a phrase correctly, no less a clause or a complete sentence. Also, when he substitutes words that don't express the same idea as the original text. Twin A, who the school considers cognitively impaired, makes substitutions that reflect the same idea as the text. GV is not considered cognitively impaired.

I decided to work on GV's auditory processing problem. In my experience of the last forty years, the part of the brain that works best is at the height of the left temple and 2/3 to ¾ of the way toward the center line to the right. When I asked GV which part of the brain he used for listening, he pointed to the prefrontal lobe. That's good for visual processing. It can be adapted for auditory processing, but that will take extensive work. It felt weird when he switched to the left hemisphere for auditory processing. That was a good sign. It meant he hadn't been using it. Therefore, using it may solve his problem.

Wednesday, December 25, 2024

Merry Christmas to one and all.

Joseph went to Mass yesterday afternoon and planned to attend the 9 a.m. mass today. He said the masses yesterday were jammed. There were over 1,000 people. Every seat in the church and in the Grace Center was filled. The parking lot was impossible. Joseph and I went in his car in anticipation of another crazy day. We left early. Attendance was in the normal range today. The church and the lanai were moderately full, and the Grace Center was empty. Most people came yesterday and stayed home today to open presents on Christmas morning.

We were at church early for me, by 8:30, for the 9 a.m. mass. It worked out great. Women from the Hula ministry were on the south lanai waiting to perform. Had I arrived at my usual time, not only would I have missed visiting with them, but I would also have missed the performances.

Aya was one of the dancers. I saw her at the Mary’s Tea event. I hadn’t seen her for six years when she was 13. Her dad took Mike and me out for dinner at least once a year. He brought his two daughters along. Aya was in college and is now majoring in philosophy and health science. We talked casually and discovered we were both philosophically oriented. We wound up having a lot in common. She said she was interested in continuing our conversation. She texted me later to wish me Merry Christmas and said she had enjoyed our conversation. I had been down. Our enthusiastic conversation lifted my spirits.

I have been happy to be home alone for the last five Christmases. I rejected invitations for Thanksgiving and Christmas because I was concerned about Covid. I also felt being in company would be harder than being alone. But this year, it was different. I wanted to be with someone, but I had no invitations. I asked Joseph about his plans. His brother lived in town. Was he spending Christmas with them? He said his brother’s fiancé said hMonday, December 23, 2024

One of my friends is someone who indulges in 'emotional farting," as distinguished from "emotional dumping." I'll leave what they're dumping to your imagination. He knows he's cantankerous. He is, sometimes annoyingly so, but he's never mean to the people he's with. He can be frustrating as he makes an illogical statement. He often expresses ideas and values that make sense. And then, every so often, he makes ridiculous statements or claims. When he does, I question his logic. He fesses up. The guy sees himself in negative terms, much more so than is necessary. He has a right to his opinions and complaints. He feels he doesn't.

I believe that most of the 'evil' done in the world is done by people who feel inferior or victimized. I suppose we are all victims at some point or another. I'm not referring to those horrific situations when terrible things happen. I'm referring to people who see themselves as life's victims in situations where they are clearly not. Some are social victims, unable to set boundaries and think others are rude and inconsiderate when made uncomfortable. Some people with a version of the Oprah syndrome have a great deal and either feel it's never enough or feel more entitled. I think people with an exaggerated sense of entitlement are coming from a position of inferiority.

Here's an extreme case. In the middle of the financial collapse of 2008, leaders of the financial industry were 'asked' to accept reduced salaries. The federal official who informed these people expected to hear they were upset about having to cut back on luxuries. They would have to sell one of their 5 million dollar homes or give up a yacht. But those weren't the complaints. These men complained that they were men with 5

million-dollar in salaries, and they couldn't be reduced to million-dollar salaries. They were devastated. My friend owns his inferiority complex. It prevents him from doing serious damage to those around him.

I purchased a computer light, one of those gadgets you use to illuminate your face to make you look good in a video. Two minutes with that light, and my left eye was in pain. It's this harsh fluorescent light. What is my alternative? I guess just looking old and haggard.

Writing about each session is getting complicated. So much happens. I've switched my approach from teaching decoding to teaching spelling as a way to teach reading and writing simultaneously. I select material that seems appropriate for the student's level and dictate phrases, clauses, or complete sentences. This approach requires a panoply of skills from the students.

For starters, they have to remember the words in sequence. Good Lord, there are so many skills involved in this simple act. I modify the level of the material and the number of words dictated at one time depending on the student's ability level. They should never feel overwhelmed or unsupported. It is vital that they feel challenged as much as they do when playing a video game. While this way of teaching is novel in one sense, it is also very old. It engages all the senses, as Fernald advised in the 1920s. The students were involved in this activity. The activity should be fun. It doesn't have to be as much fun as their favorite video game. If the video game is a 10 out of 10, this activity should be at least a 5. If it's not, I have to modify the activity. For students who have difficulty with auditory recall, I either have to teach them how to do that or change the activity to eliminate the need to remember a long sequence of words.

The student spells each word in order. If they don't have a visual memory of how to spell the word, they spell it the best they can, using the sounds. As we all know, English spelling is tricky, particularly the spelling of vowel sounds. Besides there being a choice of how to spell a sound, vowel sounds in unstressed syllables often sound the same; they all sound like the short u or short i. There are two u sounds in the English language. They sound similar, but they are not. There's the tense u as in hut, and the relaxed /u/ as at the end of banana or the indefinite article a. If a speaker uses the tense /u/ where he should use the relaxed one, he will sound like he has an accent. No native speaker would make that mistake. In a three-syllable word, two vowels will be reduced to the relaxed /u/. You can't figure out how to spell them from the sound. In the word animal, the I and the second a are both some form of the schwa, the formal name of the relax u. In the word elephant, the second e is the relaxed /u/, and the a is a relaxed /e/ or /i/.

There are approaches to teaching phonics that aim to reduce the confusion. The complexity of English orthography is real. You can't magically wish it away. I've discovered several situations where students have learned to expect consistency from the English spelling system and don't know how to deal with the complexity. They feel like failures because they have been taught it's simple and obvious, and that doesn't work for them. The first thing I have to do is disabuse them of that notion. Once they see it's not a failure on their part, but they were given the wrong information, their reading problem clears up quickly. Their expectations adjust. And they start exploring what is instead of what they've been taught it is. That switch in perspective from top-down to bottom-up perception may be the key. You have to use bottom-up perception to perceive the phonemes in a word as they are. You can perceive patterns when you deal with what is instead of what it 'should be.' Phonics teaches patterns; but no phonics program teaches all the varied patterns of English orthography. Figuring out which pattern is used to spell a word is a combination of statistical likelihood and visual recall. Figuring out the sound of a word when reading is a combination of decoding, memory, and inferring meaning from context. There is no way to arrive at an accurate sound of a word just from phonetic analysis.

If the student spells the word using phonemic awareness and statistical likelihood, they are still unlikely to spell a word 100% correctly. I push them to do it anyway, assuring them it's okay. Spelling can always be corrected. It is more important that we write to express our thoughts accurately on paper. Someone can figure out if the spelling accurately reflects the sounds of the words. Here, students incorporate invented spelling.

Invented spelling was big at one point. Teachers used it exclusively. Children became good writers, but it didn't help them learn to read. We need both. If a child misspells a word, I go over it to show them what they got right as well as what's wrong and wrong. Both are important. When children are taught spelling, they are not usually trained to analyze their writing for what worked and what didn't. I do that with them. In the process, I cover mini lessons in phonics, spelling, and morphology- throwing in comprehension for good measure. When dictating a whole paragraph, one phrase, clause, or sentence at a time, the students reread what they have written before going on to the following words. Knowing the passage's context helps predict the meaning of the following words. If a student makes an error in this regard, it provides an opportunity to discuss comprehension skills.

I love this approach. It is a fantastic diagnostic and teaching tool. The students' misunderstandings and downright problems are revealed with clarity that I have not experienced with any other approach.

When students misspell a word, The first step is to show them what they got correct and what is correct enough so someone can figure out what they were trying to say. The next step is to help them arrive at the correct spelling. For example, if a student spells animal as anamul, I show them what they got right the an m-l. The spelling of the two vowel letters must be memorized.

When correcting spelling, first, I ask them to identify the number of syllables in the word. Second, they must make sure there is a vowel letter in every syllable. (There are words where there is no vowel letter to represent the sound. More frequently, there are vowel letters that are 'silent.') Since statistically, there is a vowel letter for every syllable, I push them to check if they have produced a vowel letter for every syllable. (there are a few cases in English where we don't use a vowel letter to represent the vowel sound. there are also a few cases where we argue there is a vowel sound where there isn't one, but those are the exceptions.) In invented spelling, students will often only write the consonants, as CN for CAN. Second, I encourage them to see if they can dredge up the correct spelling from the visual memory once they know what's wrong. If that doesn't help, I will give them examples from other words. For example, suppose a student spells elephant as elefant. In that case, I will provide the word phone as an example, allowing them to figure it out and implicitly teach them to search for patterns in words they are more familiar with. Finally, I tell them The students are engaged. The trick is to keep the activity in their comfort range.

Today, I worked with Seventh grade RH on ratio proportion. I haven't done that math in years, sixty-perhaps. I had some recollection, but not enough to present a clear picture. I had to look it up. I did remember that you could compare two parts of a whole or a part in relation to a whole. I worked on the part to the whole. If the relationship was a 1:3, what was the other number if the first was a 2? She struggled with it. Then she saw it. It was one of those OH! Moments.

I asked her if she felt embarrassed when she saw it because it was obvious. She said yes. RH is self-conscious and hard on herself. I asked her if she heard other students express that surprise and the accompanying wonder when they 'get it.' Then they wonder how could they be so stupid not to have seen it. She said yes. That's what good students do. I have to give her the lesson on how 'everything's obvious once you see it.'

I learned that lesson from a story about Christopher Columbus. When appealing to the court of Queen Isabella for funds for his expedition to find India, he presented them with a challenge. He challenged them to stand a hard-boiled egg on its end. No one could do it. Then he showed them how. He tapped the end of an egg on the table, cracking the shell and creating a stable base. Everyone said, "That's obvious." Columbus said, "Everything is obvious once you've seen it." my sister said seeing the obvious is a sign of genius.

Her hyper-self-critical stance interferes with her learning more than anything else I've seen so far. Once that's out of the way, we'll figure out what's left. Maybe she does have a learning disability, as diagnosed by the educational consultant. Her mother paid a small fortune for the diagnosis.

Tuesday, December 24, 2024

I weighed 136 this morning. Oh, boy. The scale is going in the wrong direction. Up and down is okay, but not up, up and then up. I want to hold it around the 134/135 mark.

I was up early and checked the internet to find out how to insert spigots into a drip hose. I checked on YouTube. I found videos telling me how to cut the hose, but nothing was on inserting the spigot. Hopefully, English Mike can help me. He says he's happy to help me. He will be here, on the Big Island, until January 10. I should call him anytime. I hope he can help me figure out what the person I hired to install the drip hose on the strip along the driveway. You're supposed to uncoil the tubing and make sure it lies flat along the ground. He didn't do that with the hose at the top of the driveway. Parts of the hose arc up into the air. At the bottom of the drive, the hose lies flat under the plumbagos, but there are no spigots to release the water. Useless. The man charged me a lot of money. I hope Mike can help me evaluate the situation and figure out how to fix it. The man charged me a lot of money, then put the hose down on the upper strip without unwinding it or threading it appropriately through the existing plants. Then, I discovered that he hadn't inserted one spigot. At the same time, he laid the hose down along the plumbagos along the lower part of the driveway. Fortunately, those plants are deeply rooted and don't need a lot of water. I hope Mike can help me figure out how to fix all these problems.

After I watered the 42 newly planted shrubs, Yvette came to help me lay down the hose. We had unwound it a few weeks ago. I had to figure out how to cut the hose before I lay it down. We laid three lengths of hose alongside each of the three rows of bushes. I think I cut the first one shorter than I should have. That should be easy to fix. I would have to buy another connector, but that won't be a big deal.

I ate half a bagel and napped. I planned to drive down to the Aloha Theater to check the parking. The mother of seventh-grade RC 'invited' me to 'join them' for the performance. It's a pretty high price for an amateur production. Of course, it is a donation/price.

I was about to leave the house, my handbag in hand, when Mama K called to say the Twins could work with me now. My alarm went off as I set up to work with the girls. What!!?? Oh, boy. I forgot my appointment with Seventh-grade RC. I called Mama K to explain the situation and said I would work with her girls in half an hour.

RC never responded. I called her mother and said I figured she forgot and I was going on my way. I signed on with the Twins. They continue impressing me. They will use a phonically possible spelling if they can't recall how to spell a word with their visual memory. For example, Twin A spelled sign as /sine/. Twin A, more than Twin E, will revise the dictated sentence using words that carry the same meaning but are not exactly what was dictated. I don't correct her. I only correct her when words don't reflect the same meaning, or she uses incorrect grammar.

I love these amateur productions. Before Covid, I saw the Christmas performance of the Nutcracker from the West Hawaii Dance Studio. None of the individual performances rival the great ballet dancers of New York. While many of those performances are exquisite, they are also acrobatics with a flair. Sometimes, the performance is just a demonstration of athleticism with grace, which is not really my idea of dance with my modern dance background. The amateur studio performances are more like dance theater. I love the choreography, mostly the blocking. I see how they solve the performance problems. I have choreographed for bodies with various skill levels. When I checked this performance, I learned this studio teaches modern dance versus ballet.

I'm looking forward to seeing how they do.

I look Elsa with me on the drive. She enjoys driving in the car. Well, that's what her previous owner said. She loves driving up to Auntie P's when we go up to get water. She gets anxious when we don't go there. She was hyperventilating as I drove down Kaiminani. I pulled to the side of the road when we turned onto Queen K, thinking Elsa had to go to the bathroom. She didn't. The weird thing was she calmed down once we passed the turn-off for Petco, where she goes for grooming. This dog is too much. She is so bright. She remembered the route we used when I took her to get groomed.

When I got to Kealakekua, I looked for parking lots. There are small ones here and there and a lot of street parking. I should find something. The theater only holds 300 people. Most cars will hold more than one person. I shouldn't have a problem. When I got home, I ate the rest of the nachos from yesterday's lunch with Darby at the Canoe Club. It's not a 'club'. It's just a restaurant on the water's edge.

I only work with Twin A today. When I called Mama K, she told me they had paddling practice after school, but Twin A was home in the middle of the day. We continued with Phase III. Today, we discovered two phonics patterns worth discussing. She left the suffix -s off takes. Students often delete suffixes when reading. Twin A uses them when speaking; she ignores them when reading and writing. Why? Encountering the problem in this context engages the student in a way that miscellaneous instruction does not. When I asked her if she knew what a suffix was, the answer was no. I taught a mini-lesson. We encountered a second spelling pattern, the final stable syllable -ture. I started a list of words ending in that spelling. She volunteered two or three words without prompting. Amazing. This is a child who is considered 'slow' by the school.

Monday, December 23, 2024

Saturday, September 19, 2026

Sunday, December 22, 2024

I didn't do much today besides going to church. My students all want a vacation. I have mixed feelings about it. It's nice to have a 'vacation' during my retirement.

After Mass, Paulette sat with me during coffee time. It was lovely. I don't usually engage in conversations with anyone. People greet me warmly, but there's no connection other than that. Many conversations are church-based.

In my session with Shelly yesterday, she suggested I do the work anonymously to avoid dealing with people's reactions directly. She said it was just ego standing in my way. That got me thinking hard about what exactly ego was. I saw ego on a continuum.

Now, every living thing, including plants, has likes and dislikes. We all move toward something we like and away from what we dislike, including plants and single-celled animals. When the likes and dislikes involve physical survival needs, I can't imagine anyone considering that an ego drive. Well, I'm not. To do so would mean an amoeba has an ego. I can't imagine anyone stretching the definition that far. At what point can we say ego kicks in. I think it has to have something to do with a capacity for abstract thought, a concept of self detached from personal survival or survival of others connected with our survival.

I'm thinking out loud here. Let's start with self, independent of the well-being of others, like children, as in one's own. The ego has something to do with self-concept, which is, in itself, an abstract concept. We develop a sense of self with language, specifically when we start creating stories; we create 'the story of me." I am this, and I am not that. We place value on that story or parts of the story. Let's say a healthy ego incorporates a realistic view of our good and bad points. A realistic view of what we are capable of as individuals and human beings, both good and bad. Hmmm! I wonder. I think most of us would prefer to focus on what makes us valuable and good people and ignore how we do damage in the world. Those who dwell on the negative aspect of themselves are considered neurotic; those who dwell only on the positive aspects of themselves are considered narcistic. This is getting very complicated because there are different scales. Some measure themselves on the scale of morality; some measure entitlement and some power. Those are all abstract concepts.

An animal can wield power over others in his species but do it for the sake of others. I can think of an example where a human did that. The Bielski Brothers established a village in the Belorussian woods of as many as 2,000 people to escape the persecution of the Nazis during WWII. The brother's rule was absolute. They were genuinely benevolent despots. In the movie about the village they established, there was a scene where a dissenter was shot and executed.

Food portions are carefully controlled. One man argued the brothers have no right to tell them how much food they can eat. Each man should decide that for himself. Food supplies were limited. For all to survive, the portions had to be measured. The rebel tried to incite others. One of the brothers turned to walk away, pulled a gun from his belt, and shot the man. After the war, these brothers never sought recognition or reward for what they had done. I'm sure some group members felt their control was too tight. Was it? Did they exert their control because they were power hungry or because they believed it was for the benefit of the group? Even if it was the latter, were they 100% right? Is that relevant? All this is to ask: is it ego when the silverback ape exerts dominance over his troop? Then I ask if his ego says it is his role to enforce discipline on a group of people for their benefit, and at what point is that bad?

But none of this addresses my personal question. Clearly, my ego is interfering with what some part of me wants to do that may actually be beneficial for others. This sounds like it's all the downside of ego. I don't see anyone benefitting from this, not me and not others. If I put out my ideas aggressively, could that be bad for me or someone else? Anything can have negative consequences. Can I cope with those? Apparently, I don't think so

Hmm. I see a definition of ego in the negative sense hidden here. It's ego when it interferes with the well-being of self or others. Nay. That can't be it. if someone tries to kill me and I am prepared to kill them to defend myself or others, is that ego? if I do nothing to protect myself when threatened, isn't that also ego? I define myself as someone incapable of violence and would rather die than see myself in a different light. I can think of a reasonable exception for every example I bring up.

My mother was a deeply wounded person. She passed on her wound to her children. Thanks, Mom. Trauma is passed on from generation to generation unless someone makes an effort to stop it. As far as I can see, the only way to stop it is to heal yourself. If you don't, everything that touches that wound feels like it was touched with a hot poker. It naturally leads to acting out. The pain is searing. Recently, some of my deep wounds have been healed, partially healed. Whatever, it's better. The many actions of others that used to trigger intense alarm have been calmed. It is truly remarkable.

Parents swearing they will never do to their children what was done to them swing to the opposite extreme and do damage that way. Children who deny there was any damage perpetuate the system. I heard a radio talk show psychologist say that every parent will do harm to their children. The question is only what kind and how much. If a parent's ego makes that reality impossible, they have to ignore their child's signs of distress.

If you're longing for a simpler time when we didn't have to think about complicated emotions, you're longing for a time when our lives were in perpetual life-threatening danger. There's no better cure for a neurosis than a painful physical condition, something life-threatening even better.

It was a day when I got a little down. I was mind numb.

Saturday, December 21, 2024

I woke up at 1:30 but only got up at 4:30. I must have dozed for at least part of the time. I did a lot of thinking but not stinking thinking.

In my work with my therapist, one of the big themes is getting myself out of my own way when it comes to broadcasting my methods for teaching word recognition. The approach I've developed is easy to learn and easy to teach. The kids love it, it works, and it costs nothing. Moreover, it applies to any alphabetic language and any language dialect. People don't have to learn a standard pronunciation before learning to read. Their own will serve quite nicely in learning word recognition skills.

I'm in a triple bind I can't resolve when promoting my work. Of course, there's the standard: fear of rejection. There's the rejection of the ideas and rejection of me for being someone who could generate these ideas. While the rejection of ideas doesn't make me happy, I understand why people may not be comfortable with it. People want what's familiar and comfortable. The rejection can be disappointing and make me sad, but it's nothing I can't cope with. I understand this method involves a tolerance for making surprising discoveries. Most elementary school teachers prefer to look like they know everything. While I am comfortable when I discover something I hadn't known in front of my students, I had a supervisor who freaked out when she saw me causally ask my students to help me out when I didn't remember something. Holy cow! The profession believes teachers should be Gods, not human beings.

The second bind is my fear of recognition and appreciation. I think I can handle appreciation of the work. It makes me feel good if someone thinks what I have to offer is a good idea and can run with it. I've had people respond that way and am okay with it. Then, some people think I'm amazing for generating these ideas. Mmm! I'm not as good with that. I can only tolerate small doses, particularly if someone is overly impressed.

I have another option. I could put it out anonymously. That would be hard in a video, but not impossible. I can handle the methods being uncredited – if necessary. I'm not entirely free from wanting credit. But what really kills me is if someone else takes credit, no less if some corporation claims it and figures out a way to make money. Of course, if they stick to the method, they will find it hard to use it to make money. It really requires no new materials.

I received a Christmas card from relatives in Germany with pictures of their family, their two grown kids with their spouses and children, and Dagmar's 99-year-old father, my mother's first cousin. These are my closest relatives other than my sister, her kids, and grandkids. Ours is a small family. Dorothy and I have no first cousins. My mother was an only child, and my father's brother never married and had no children, as far as we know.

I saw a friend's Facebook post about her wedding anniversary, saying the last year had been the best year ever. They were married when they were nineteen and are well past their 50th wedding anniversary. As all couples have, they've been through their ups and downs and have stuck it out. Not everyone gets rewarded for sticking with it. There has to be some core that works for both parties. That core is different for everyone. How much is dumb luck, how much is good judgment, and how much is shifts in relationships that make all the difference? We need to celebrate a positive outcome. I am delighted that I can feel joy for their happiness instead of resentment.

My mother-in-law resented everyone their joy after she lost her husband. Envy isn't one of my major weaknesses. This is because I framed what the others had as examples of what was possible for me, not as an example of what I didn't have. When looked at that way, the good fortune of others triggered hope, not despair. If it was possible, I hoped it would be available to me. I understood the major obstacle to getting what I wanted was me. That's what had to change. I wasn't interested in material success or fame, I was interested in community and interpersonal relationships. Having said that, I do not feel I have any particular claim to great success in that arena. But I have had success in two major areas of my life: my husband and my mother. Do I mean they were perfect? Absolutely not. Perfect is never an option. They were good enough.

As I think of it, I feel a pang when I see couples connecting the way Mike and I did that meant the most to me. I don't know if it's envy or just plain grief. Whatever it is, it can hurt. It didn't happen in the case of my friends. I know their joy is won over many years of being together. I am genuinely happy for them.

When I was seventeen, I told my uncle how miserable I was. He said something that framed my life. It's incredible how a few sentences can be life-altering. He said my problems were trivial compared to others, but each man's problems are relative to his own experience. I had a comfortable material life. While the psychological atmosphere in my childhood home was challenging, there was no malicious abuse, mental or physical. I was loved by both my parents as best as they could. My uncle's wise words helped me keep perspective.

Friday, December 20, 2024

I slept straight through till after 4. I was slowly rousing when I had a panic attack, just a single surge. I could have confused it with a hot flash, but there was no heat or sweat. I had no idea what triggered it. It motivated me to get up. The first chore of the day was loving Elsa all over. We developed this morning routine when I treated her lesions with a salve. We continue the routine of a dose of affection even though her lesions are history. When I get up for the day, I walk to the other side of the bed. When Elsa sees that, she rolls on her back and stretches out. I rock her back and forth, kiss her, then pick up and rock her in my arms. Then she's done.

I continued napping between my morning yoga exercises and my morning walk. I fell asleep.

I watered the 42 shrubs and the plants along the driveway again. Josh had turned on the automatic watering system to no avail. Josh planned to work on the problem last night. I texted him this morning to check if he had forgotten to work. I forgot to check myself. Josh had forgotten to work on it. He would take care of it today.

I went to Ulu Wini today. The number of children participating in the youth program had dwindled. It occurred to me it had something to do with the program. Many children participated when it was a homework-help program with a fun activity chaser. While Shauntel did an excellent job organizing activities for the children, most of these were crafts or games, along with snacks. Of course, there aren't enough volunteers to help the children with their homework. I'm going to ask Shauntel about what she thinks is going on. Only four children continued to work with me: first-grade PY, Second-grade NV, 2nd-grade JM, and third-grade PL.

Today, I only worked with PY and NV, sisters that look so much alike they could be identical twins. They both have memory problems. I've been drilling them on the first 25 words in the Fry Sight Word List. The older NV is only a bit ahead of the younger PV. I decided to try a traditional multisensory approach instead of the one I developed, which involves learning which part of the brain to use. The girls find that concept alien.

I used my computer screen to draw fat letters slowly, having PV make the same move with her right index finger on the surface of the table. I like using the computer screen and the draw mode over modeling it using pencil and paper because the kids respond better when it's a floating line instead of a hand. They can see the line forming more clearly, too. I made the sounds as she made the moves. The goal is for her to do both at the same time. She responded well to this approach. Did she find it more engaging, or was it really more effective? I will have to remember to have her write the letters with her finger if she can't recall the words at sight.

I worked with NV next. She had two small containers of silly putty. I told her to use it to help her practice the words. I instructed her to write the words into the silly putty. She chose to form the letters with it. Again, she was engaged. That's always a step in the right direction. it reminded me of Ron Del Davis's work. He uses clay.

Recently, when I asked Twin E what iReady level she was on, she said C. I figured iReady used the same standards as Fontas and Pinnell, but that was upsetting. In their system, Level C is on a first-grade level. I looked up the scale of the iReady program. C is on a third-grade level. That is great news.

In the IEP conference on Twin E last spring, they said she was at a low second-grade level. Even if she was testing on a low third-grade level, it means she has done a year's growth in half a year. That sensational. If she continues making progress at that rate, she will be on grade level shortly.

Both girls are doing an amazing job with their spelling. I have them use 'invented' spelling when they lack visual recall. Then, we analyze the spelling, looking for right and wrong, and which letters accurately represent the sound of the phoneme and which letters don't and must be visually memorized. I give the students the opportunity to visually recall the correct spelling. Today, E spelled elephant as /elefent/. That's how the word sounds. She realized the /f/ sound was spelled with a ph before I said anything. I told her the third e was wrong, and she corrected it.

Twin A was not at her best today. She pulled a few 'I don't know' ’s rather than making a minimal effort. She finally said she had too much sugar to think clearly. She was sucking on a lollipop during the session.

I had seventh-grade RC. We reviewed her improvements in reading and spelling, and I asked if she needed help in math. She was working on ratios and proportions and thought she needed some help. I encouraged her to remember what she could. Any miscellaneous facts are helpful, even if they are not specific to the math. If she could remember what the teacher was wearing as she wrote the problems on the board. Any memory, however tangential, will help to trigger the memory of the work. Experiments show that people do better on tests taken in rooms where they learned the material. I encourage students to allow their memories to float to trigger a memory trace.

RC's response to everything was, 'I don't know. I don't remember." She's very defended. She has already had a significant breakthrough. She has decided to trust me. That trust has to be handled with great care. She is very vulnerable. I have a toolkit of protocols I can use, but I need to wait until one feels right. To charge ahead with some standard treatment doesn't work for me. If nothing I have works, I think and meditate, hoping to develop something new. With RC, something from my standard toolkit came to mind, EFT. I think that will be noninvasive enough to feel safe for her. The only challenge will be finding the right words for the setup.

Thursday, December 19, 2024

I had a fantastic night's sleep. After going to sleep at 9:30, I was fully awake at 4:30.

Oh, so delicious. I must have gotten up once, at least, to pee.

I went through my morning exercises quickly and walked with Elsa. I spotted Dean before Elsa did. When she got wind, she ran to him, pulling me behind. She welcomes the attention of anyone prepared to give it. She's promiscuously friendly, but Dean and Nina are special to her. It makes me smile.

After feeding Elsa when we got home, I went out to water the strip along the driveway with the hose. I noticed yesterday that some of the plants were suffering. I asked Josh to turn the automatic sprinkler system on. It was set to 6:30 pm. I went out to check. It didn't work. I put on the miner's light and hand-watered the strip. Because the ground was bone dry, I also did it this morning, figuring the soil would be more absorbent now after being wet last night.

Before I had breakfast, I went to the lower level to water the 42 newly planted shrubs. I took additional supplies to cut the long grass along the edge of the grassy plot, a drill to make a hole in the haole koas, and something to kill the unwanted trees. The haole koa was brought to Hawaii as a food source for the livestock. It looked at Hawaii and saw it as a food source for itself. Without the presence of humans to battle it, it will cover the island and extinguish every other form of vegetation.

I've comfortably incorporated watering into my daily routine. I had three other chores on my mind for a while that I carefully pushed aside, leaving them to weigh uncomfortably on my mind. As expected, none of the chores were particularly challenging. The first was cutting off a piece of the tubing for the drip irrigation to practice inserting the drip vents into the hosing. Lauren, at Diamond Irrigation, described it as an easy job. As distinguished from my Mike, English Mike made it sound like a nightmare; he calls it an aggravation system. Having seen how easy it is to cut the hosing, laying the hosing down should not be a problem. I watched a video on inserting the sections of the hose with metal connectors. He blasted the ends with a propane torch to soften the ends before inserting the metal connectors. I don't have a propane torch and don't want to mess around with one. I hope the hosing I got is more malleable.

At 12:45, I had an appointment with my therapist/life coach. I thought it would be a nothing session. I've been doing well. I've learned to curb my brooding tendencies, breaking the habit with audiobooks. When I feel the impulse to follow a disturbing feeling down a rabbit hole, I can say, "Thank, but no thanks."

I could take on the change once I realized the tendency to brood wasn't just because there was something wrong with me. I learned that the tendency to focus on the negative is universal for humans, as is the default brain. I struggled to resolve a personal problem when it was part of the universal package. I have to know what is inherent to the human condition versus what is an individual problem. Trying to eradicate all brooding, all stinking thinking is striving to escape the human condition.

Knowing what you're dealing with is necessary when taking on a goal. Sports teams study their opponents. An artist learns about his/her materials. In order to shape something, including ourselves, we have to know ourselves. Knowing ourselves means knowing what can be attributed to us as individuals versus what can be attributed to us as humans. We can't escape the human condition; we can only mold it.

Most therapists I worked with criticized me for my intellectual approach. They believed it was a way to avoid my feelings. If someone feels unsafe dealing with a feeling, they should respect it. If someone feels something's too much for them, they may be correct. The therapist's job is to help their client find the 'safe' way to deal with the problem, not push them beyond their tolerance.

I often ask my students if they want an explanation for why I ask them to do something. Many say yes. I tell them to tell me to stop if they feel overwhelmed. The point of giving the explanation is to put the student in control. If they're overwhelmed by the explanation, it's counterproductive.

I turned my attention to procrastination. I often avoid doing a mundane task because I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. Most annoying. The best antidote to that reluctance is having to do it for someone else. Then, I can rise to the occasion. The focus is off me and on another. Yes, I'm using someone to overcome a problem. Hopefully, the relationship is symbiotic versus parasitic. But that's true for all relationships, probably every moment of every relationship.

While procrastination is a persistent problem, one area is particularly frustrating: my willingness to put out information on the teaching methods I've developed. From what I've seen, my perspective is unique. I'm not the only reading teacher who has taken a linguistics course and learned the basics of phonemic transcription. But it seems to have had more of an impact on my understanding of phonics than it has on anyone else I know of. The methods I've developed are highly informed by what I've learned in linguistics courses. I'm comfortable being that different, but it depends on how that difference is perceived. Some call me unusual, some unique, and some weird. Someone who considers me weird is saying they are not comfortable around me. I'm uncomfortable around people who are uncomfortable with me and unwilling to work it out.

I'm frustrated by my reluctance to broadcast the methods I've developed. It's not just a fear of rejection of my work that impedes my presenting it; it's the fear of strong reactions that makes me feel isolated. I've had people yell at me. I had a supervisor blow up, "I've never seen that before. I would never work!?" it was just her words; she was upset to see something she had never seen before. I was in shock. She could have challenged me, questioning the value, but it was a hysterical reaction.

I made a presentation at a conference. The room was packed. One man was sufficiently upset with what I was saying that he had to speak up. Again, it wasn't a challenge in the normal range. It was someone who was distressed by what I was saying. That presentation was something trivial in my world. It was just a slightly different slant on how to teach pronunciation. Nothing foundational as my work on how to teach reading may be perceived.

In today's session, I recalled one incident. Many years ago, I made a presentation at a country reading association conference in New Jersey. Before the conference, I was in contact with one of the organization's movers and shakers. She was encouraging and supportive.

The room was packed for my presentation. After abandoning some other presentation, other people entered the room and stayed. When it was over, I expected the woman I spoke with to come up and say something to me. "interesting." Instead, she walked past me, giving me a sideways glance. I was okay with that. So she really didn't like it and was embarrassed to say something to me. I packed up my presentation materials and left the room. As I exited, two women came running up to me, asking me to make a presentation at the state reading association. It was then I realized the woman had given me that look not because she didn't like my presentation but because she liked it too much and was overwhelmed. That was really frightening. People who think my ideas are nonsense ignore me. People who think my ideas are sensational, extraordinary, and exceptional and admire me isolate me, stop seeing me as a whole human being, and/or launch a full-out attack. While I don't like rejection, I fear admiration more.

To my surprise, I became choked up as I told this story and then sobbed as I had only twice before. I guess it had more of an impact on me than I thought.

I was supposed to have two tutoring appointments today, one of which was regularly scheduled. I texted the mom and asked what was going on. "Oh, so sorry. We're on the way to the airport. I forgot to cancel." The second was supposed to be a make-up for a missed session yesterday. When fourth-grade LG's mom got home, she discovered her son had left to play with a friend. Today, he texted me to say he didn't know how to get onto the Zoom meeting, and his mom wasn't home to help him. I needed the rest.