Mike's death; Betty's life...

Saturday, September 19, 2026

Sunday, December 22, 2024

I didn't do much today besides going to church. My students all want a vacation. I have mixed feelings about it. It's nice to have a 'vacation' during my retirement.

After Mass, Paulette sat with me during coffee time. It was lovely. I don't usually engage in conversations with anyone. People greet me warmly, but there's no connection other than that. Many conversations are church-based.

In my session with Shelly yesterday, she suggested I do the work anonymously to avoid dealing with people's reactions directly. She said it was just ego standing in my way. That got me thinking hard about what exactly ego was. I saw ego on a continuum.

Now, every living thing, including plants, has likes and dislikes. We all move toward something we like and away from what we dislike, including plants and single-celled animals. When the likes and dislikes involve physical survival needs, I can't imagine anyone considering that an ego drive. Well, I'm not. To do so would mean an amoeba has an ego. I can't imagine anyone stretching the definition that far. At what point can we say ego kicks in. I think it has to have something to do with a capacity for abstract thought, a concept of self detached from personal survival or survival of others connected with our survival.

I'm thinking out loud here. Let's start with self, independent of the well-being of others, like children, as in one's own. The ego has something to do with self-concept, which is, in itself, an abstract concept. We develop a sense of self with language, specifically when we start creating stories; we create 'the story of me." I am this, and I am not that. We place value on that story or parts of the story. Let's say a healthy ego incorporates a realistic view of our good and bad points. A realistic view of what we are capable of as individuals and human beings, both good and bad. Hmmm! I wonder. I think most of us would prefer to focus on what makes us valuable and good people and ignore how we do damage in the world. Those who dwell on the negative aspect of themselves are considered neurotic; those who dwell only on the positive aspects of themselves are considered narcistic. This is getting very complicated because there are different scales. Some measure themselves on the scale of morality; some measure entitlement and some power. Those are all abstract concepts.

An animal can wield power over others in his species but do it for the sake of others. I can think of an example where a human did that. The Bielski Brothers established a village in the Belorussian woods of as many as 2,000 people to escape the persecution of the Nazis during WWII. The brother's rule was absolute. They were genuinely benevolent despots. In the movie about the village they established, there was a scene where a dissenter was shot and executed.

Food portions are carefully controlled. One man argued the brothers have no right to tell them how much food they can eat. Each man should decide that for himself. Food supplies were limited. For all to survive, the portions had to be measured. The rebel tried to incite others. One of the brothers turned to walk away, pulled a gun from his belt, and shot the man. After the war, these brothers never sought recognition or reward for what they had done. I'm sure some group members felt their control was too tight. Was it? Did they exert their control because they were power hungry or because they believed it was for the benefit of the group? Even if it was the latter, were they 100% right? Is that relevant? All this is to ask: is it ego when the silverback ape exerts dominance over his troop? Then I ask if his ego says it is his role to enforce discipline on a group of people for their benefit, and at what point is that bad?

But none of this addresses my personal question. Clearly, my ego is interfering with what some part of me wants to do that may actually be beneficial for others. This sounds like it's all the downside of ego. I don't see anyone benefitting from this, not me and not others. If I put out my ideas aggressively, could that be bad for me or someone else? Anything can have negative consequences. Can I cope with those? Apparently, I don't think so

Hmm. I see a definition of ego in the negative sense hidden here. It's ego when it interferes with the well-being of self or others. Nay. That can't be it. if someone tries to kill me and I am prepared to kill them to defend myself or others, is that ego? if I do nothing to protect myself when threatened, isn't that also ego? I define myself as someone incapable of violence and would rather die than see myself in a different light. I can think of a reasonable exception for every example I bring up.

My mother was a deeply wounded person. She passed on her wound to her children. Thanks, Mom. Trauma is passed on from generation to generation unless someone makes an effort to stop it. As far as I can see, the only way to stop it is to heal yourself. If you don't, everything that touches that wound feels like it was touched with a hot poker. It naturally leads to acting out. The pain is searing. Recently, some of my deep wounds have been healed, partially healed. Whatever, it's better. The many actions of others that used to trigger intense alarm have been calmed. It is truly remarkable.

Parents swearing they will never do to their children what was done to them swing to the opposite extreme and do damage that way. Children who deny there was any damage perpetuate the system. I heard a radio talk show psychologist say that every parent will do harm to their children. The question is only what kind and how much. If a parent's ego makes that reality impossible, they have to ignore their child's signs of distress.

If you're longing for a simpler time when we didn't have to think about complicated emotions, you're longing for a time when our lives were in perpetual life-threatening danger. There's no better cure for a neurosis than a painful physical condition, something life-threatening even better.

It was a day when I got a little down. I was mind numb.

Saturday, December 21, 2024

I woke up at 1:30 but only got up at 4:30. I must have dozed for at least part of the time. I did a lot of thinking but not stinking thinking.

In my work with my therapist, one of the big themes is getting myself out of my own way when it comes to broadcasting my methods for teaching word recognition. The approach I've developed is easy to learn and easy to teach. The kids love it, it works, and it costs nothing. Moreover, it applies to any alphabetic language and any language dialect. People don't have to learn a standard pronunciation before learning to read. Their own will serve quite nicely in learning word recognition skills.

I'm in a triple bind I can't resolve when promoting my work. Of course, there's the standard: fear of rejection. There's the rejection of the ideas and rejection of me for being someone who could generate these ideas. While the rejection of ideas doesn't make me happy, I understand why people may not be comfortable with it. People want what's familiar and comfortable. The rejection can be disappointing and make me sad, but it's nothing I can't cope with. I understand this method involves a tolerance for making surprising discoveries. Most elementary school teachers prefer to look like they know everything. While I am comfortable when I discover something I hadn't known in front of my students, I had a supervisor who freaked out when she saw me causally ask my students to help me out when I didn't remember something. Holy cow! The profession believes teachers should be Gods, not human beings.

The second bind is my fear of recognition and appreciation. I think I can handle appreciation of the work. It makes me feel good if someone thinks what I have to offer is a good idea and can run with it. I've had people respond that way and am okay with it. Then, some people think I'm amazing for generating these ideas. Mmm! I'm not as good with that. I can only tolerate small doses, particularly if someone is overly impressed.

I have another option. I could put it out anonymously. That would be hard in a video, but not impossible. I can handle the methods being uncredited – if necessary. I'm not entirely free from wanting credit. But what really kills me is if someone else takes credit, no less if some corporation claims it and figures out a way to make money. Of course, if they stick to the method, they will find it hard to use it to make money. It really requires no new materials.

I received a Christmas card from relatives in Germany with pictures of their family, their two grown kids with their spouses and children, and Dagmar's 99-year-old father, my mother's first cousin. These are my closest relatives other than my sister, her kids, and grandkids. Ours is a small family. Dorothy and I have no first cousins. My mother was an only child, and my father's brother never married and had no children, as far as we know.

I saw a friend's Facebook post about her wedding anniversary, saying the last year had been the best year ever. They were married when they were nineteen and are well past their 50th wedding anniversary. As all couples have, they've been through their ups and downs and have stuck it out. Not everyone gets rewarded for sticking with it. There has to be some core that works for both parties. That core is different for everyone. How much is dumb luck, how much is good judgment, and how much is shifts in relationships that make all the difference? We need to celebrate a positive outcome. I am delighted that I can feel joy for their happiness instead of resentment.

My mother-in-law resented everyone their joy after she lost her husband. Envy isn't one of my major weaknesses. This is because I framed what the others had as examples of what was possible for me, not as an example of what I didn't have. When looked at that way, the good fortune of others triggered hope, not despair. If it was possible, I hoped it would be available to me. I understood the major obstacle to getting what I wanted was me. That's what had to change. I wasn't interested in material success or fame, I was interested in community and interpersonal relationships. Having said that, I do not feel I have any particular claim to great success in that arena. But I have had success in two major areas of my life: my husband and my mother. Do I mean they were perfect? Absolutely not. Perfect is never an option. They were good enough.

As I think of it, I feel a pang when I see couples connecting the way Mike and I did that meant the most to me. I don't know if it's envy or just plain grief. Whatever it is, it can hurt. It didn't happen in the case of my friends. I know their joy is won over many years of being together. I am genuinely happy for them.

When I was seventeen, I told my uncle how miserable I was. He said something that framed my life. It's incredible how a few sentences can be life-altering. He said my problems were trivial compared to others, but each man's problems are relative to his own experience. I had a comfortable material life. While the psychological atmosphere in my childhood home was challenging, there was no malicious abuse, mental or physical. I was loved by both my parents as best as they could. My uncle's wise words helped me keep perspective.

Friday, December 20, 2024

I slept straight through till after 4. I was slowly rousing when I had a panic attack, just a single surge. I could have confused it with a hot flash, but there was no heat or sweat. I had no idea what triggered it. It motivated me to get up. The first chore of the day was loving Elsa all over. We developed this morning routine when I treated her lesions with a salve. We continue the routine of a dose of affection even though her lesions are history. When I get up for the day, I walk to the other side of the bed. When Elsa sees that, she rolls on her back and stretches out. I rock her back and forth, kiss her, then pick up and rock her in my arms. Then she's done.

I continued napping between my morning yoga exercises and my morning walk. I fell asleep.

I watered the 42 shrubs and the plants along the driveway again. Josh had turned on the automatic watering system to no avail. Josh planned to work on the problem last night. I texted him this morning to check if he had forgotten to work. I forgot to check myself. Josh had forgotten to work on it. He would take care of it today.

I went to Ulu Wini today. The number of children participating in the youth program had dwindled. It occurred to me it had something to do with the program. Many children participated when it was a homework-help program with a fun activity chaser. While Shauntel did an excellent job organizing activities for the children, most of these were crafts or games, along with snacks. Of course, there aren't enough volunteers to help the children with their homework. I'm going to ask Shauntel about what she thinks is going on. Only four children continued to work with me: first-grade PY, Second-grade NV, 2nd-grade JM, and third-grade PL.

Today, I only worked with PY and NV, sisters that look so much alike they could be identical twins. They both have memory problems. I've been drilling them on the first 25 words in the Fry Sight Word List. The older NV is only a bit ahead of the younger PV. I decided to try a traditional multisensory approach instead of the one I developed, which involves learning which part of the brain to use. The girls find that concept alien.

I used my computer screen to draw fat letters slowly, having PV make the same move with her right index finger on the surface of the table. I like using the computer screen and the draw mode over modeling it using pencil and paper because the kids respond better when it's a floating line instead of a hand. They can see the line forming more clearly, too. I made the sounds as she made the moves. The goal is for her to do both at the same time. She responded well to this approach. Did she find it more engaging, or was it really more effective? I will have to remember to have her write the letters with her finger if she can't recall the words at sight.

I worked with NV next. She had two small containers of silly putty. I told her to use it to help her practice the words. I instructed her to write the words into the silly putty. She chose to form the letters with it. Again, she was engaged. That's always a step in the right direction. it reminded me of Ron Del Davis's work. He uses clay.

Recently, when I asked Twin E what iReady level she was on, she said C. I figured iReady used the same standards as Fontas and Pinnell, but that was upsetting. In their system, Level C is on a first-grade level. I looked up the scale of the iReady program. C is on a third-grade level. That is great news.

In the IEP conference on Twin E last spring, they said she was at a low second-grade level. Even if she was testing on a low third-grade level, it means she has done a year's growth in half a year. That sensational. If she continues making progress at that rate, she will be on grade level shortly.

Both girls are doing an amazing job with their spelling. I have them use 'invented' spelling when they lack visual recall. Then, we analyze the spelling, looking for right and wrong, and which letters accurately represent the sound of the phoneme and which letters don't and must be visually memorized. I give the students the opportunity to visually recall the correct spelling. Today, E spelled elephant as /elefent/. That's how the word sounds. She realized the /f/ sound was spelled with a ph before I said anything. I told her the third e was wrong, and she corrected it.

Twin A was not at her best today. She pulled a few 'I don't know' ’s rather than making a minimal effort. She finally said she had too much sugar to think clearly. She was sucking on a lollipop during the session.

I had seventh-grade RC. We reviewed her improvements in reading and spelling, and I asked if she needed help in math. She was working on ratios and proportions and thought she needed some help. I encouraged her to remember what she could. Any miscellaneous facts are helpful, even if they are not specific to the math. If she could remember what the teacher was wearing as she wrote the problems on the board. Any memory, however tangential, will help to trigger the memory of the work. Experiments show that people do better on tests taken in rooms where they learned the material. I encourage students to allow their memories to float to trigger a memory trace.

RC's response to everything was, 'I don't know. I don't remember." She's very defended. She has already had a significant breakthrough. She has decided to trust me. That trust has to be handled with great care. She is very vulnerable. I have a toolkit of protocols I can use, but I need to wait until one feels right. To charge ahead with some standard treatment doesn't work for me. If nothing I have works, I think and meditate, hoping to develop something new. With RC, something from my standard toolkit came to mind, EFT. I think that will be noninvasive enough to feel safe for her. The only challenge will be finding the right words for the setup.

Thursday, December 19, 2024

I had a fantastic night's sleep. After going to sleep at 9:30, I was fully awake at 4:30.

Oh, so delicious. I must have gotten up once, at least, to pee.

I went through my morning exercises quickly and walked with Elsa. I spotted Dean before Elsa did. When she got wind, she ran to him, pulling me behind. She welcomes the attention of anyone prepared to give it. She's promiscuously friendly, but Dean and Nina are special to her. It makes me smile.

After feeding Elsa when we got home, I went out to water the strip along the driveway with the hose. I noticed yesterday that some of the plants were suffering. I asked Josh to turn the automatic sprinkler system on. It was set to 6:30 pm. I went out to check. It didn't work. I put on the miner's light and hand-watered the strip. Because the ground was bone dry, I also did it this morning, figuring the soil would be more absorbent now after being wet last night.

Before I had breakfast, I went to the lower level to water the 42 newly planted shrubs. I took additional supplies to cut the long grass along the edge of the grassy plot, a drill to make a hole in the haole koas, and something to kill the unwanted trees. The haole koa was brought to Hawaii as a food source for the livestock. It looked at Hawaii and saw it as a food source for itself. Without the presence of humans to battle it, it will cover the island and extinguish every other form of vegetation.

I've comfortably incorporated watering into my daily routine. I had three other chores on my mind for a while that I carefully pushed aside, leaving them to weigh uncomfortably on my mind. As expected, none of the chores were particularly challenging. The first was cutting off a piece of the tubing for the drip irrigation to practice inserting the drip vents into the hosing. Lauren, at Diamond Irrigation, described it as an easy job. As distinguished from my Mike, English Mike made it sound like a nightmare; he calls it an aggravation system. Having seen how easy it is to cut the hosing, laying the hosing down should not be a problem. I watched a video on inserting the sections of the hose with metal connectors. He blasted the ends with a propane torch to soften the ends before inserting the metal connectors. I don't have a propane torch and don't want to mess around with one. I hope the hosing I got is more malleable.

At 12:45, I had an appointment with my therapist/life coach. I thought it would be a nothing session. I've been doing well. I've learned to curb my brooding tendencies, breaking the habit with audiobooks. When I feel the impulse to follow a disturbing feeling down a rabbit hole, I can say, "Thank, but no thanks."

I could take on the change once I realized the tendency to brood wasn't just because there was something wrong with me. I learned that the tendency to focus on the negative is universal for humans, as is the default brain. I struggled to resolve a personal problem when it was part of the universal package. I have to know what is inherent to the human condition versus what is an individual problem. Trying to eradicate all brooding, all stinking thinking is striving to escape the human condition.

Knowing what you're dealing with is necessary when taking on a goal. Sports teams study their opponents. An artist learns about his/her materials. In order to shape something, including ourselves, we have to know ourselves. Knowing ourselves means knowing what can be attributed to us as individuals versus what can be attributed to us as humans. We can't escape the human condition; we can only mold it.

Most therapists I worked with criticized me for my intellectual approach. They believed it was a way to avoid my feelings. If someone feels unsafe dealing with a feeling, they should respect it. If someone feels something's too much for them, they may be correct. The therapist's job is to help their client find the 'safe' way to deal with the problem, not push them beyond their tolerance.

I often ask my students if they want an explanation for why I ask them to do something. Many say yes. I tell them to tell me to stop if they feel overwhelmed. The point of giving the explanation is to put the student in control. If they're overwhelmed by the explanation, it's counterproductive.

I turned my attention to procrastination. I often avoid doing a mundane task because I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. Most annoying. The best antidote to that reluctance is having to do it for someone else. Then, I can rise to the occasion. The focus is off me and on another. Yes, I'm using someone to overcome a problem. Hopefully, the relationship is symbiotic versus parasitic. But that's true for all relationships, probably every moment of every relationship.

While procrastination is a persistent problem, one area is particularly frustrating: my willingness to put out information on the teaching methods I've developed. From what I've seen, my perspective is unique. I'm not the only reading teacher who has taken a linguistics course and learned the basics of phonemic transcription. But it seems to have had more of an impact on my understanding of phonics than it has on anyone else I know of. The methods I've developed are highly informed by what I've learned in linguistics courses. I'm comfortable being that different, but it depends on how that difference is perceived. Some call me unusual, some unique, and some weird. Someone who considers me weird is saying they are not comfortable around me. I'm uncomfortable around people who are uncomfortable with me and unwilling to work it out.

I'm frustrated by my reluctance to broadcast the methods I've developed. It's not just a fear of rejection of my work that impedes my presenting it; it's the fear of strong reactions that makes me feel isolated. I've had people yell at me. I had a supervisor blow up, "I've never seen that before. I would never work!?" it was just her words; she was upset to see something she had never seen before. I was in shock. She could have challenged me, questioning the value, but it was a hysterical reaction.

I made a presentation at a conference. The room was packed. One man was sufficiently upset with what I was saying that he had to speak up. Again, it wasn't a challenge in the normal range. It was someone who was distressed by what I was saying. That presentation was something trivial in my world. It was just a slightly different slant on how to teach pronunciation. Nothing foundational as my work on how to teach reading may be perceived.

In today's session, I recalled one incident. Many years ago, I made a presentation at a country reading association conference in New Jersey. Before the conference, I was in contact with one of the organization's movers and shakers. She was encouraging and supportive.

The room was packed for my presentation. After abandoning some other presentation, other people entered the room and stayed. When it was over, I expected the woman I spoke with to come up and say something to me. "interesting." Instead, she walked past me, giving me a sideways glance. I was okay with that. So she really didn't like it and was embarrassed to say something to me. I packed up my presentation materials and left the room. As I exited, two women came running up to me, asking me to make a presentation at the state reading association. It was then I realized the woman had given me that look not because she didn't like my presentation but because she liked it too much and was overwhelmed. That was really frightening. People who think my ideas are nonsense ignore me. People who think my ideas are sensational, extraordinary, and exceptional and admire me isolate me, stop seeing me as a whole human being, and/or launch a full-out attack. While I don't like rejection, I fear admiration more.

To my surprise, I became choked up as I told this story and then sobbed as I had only twice before. I guess it had more of an impact on me than I thought.

I was supposed to have two tutoring appointments today, one of which was regularly scheduled. I texted the mom and asked what was going on. "Oh, so sorry. We're on the way to the airport. I forgot to cancel." The second was supposed to be a make-up for a missed session yesterday. When fourth-grade LG's mom got home, she discovered her son had left to play with a friend. Today, he texted me to say he didn't know how to get onto the Zoom meeting, and his mom wasn't home to help him. I needed the rest.

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

I slept through the night until 3:30. My shoulders and arms hurt, so I spent the early morning hours giving that area a ‘tennis ball massage.” Whenever pain starts, I worry if I’ve finally pushed too far and am relieved when my muscles relax again with a bit of massage. I completed some of my yoga exercises in bed and the rest when I got up. I continued the practice of lying down for a short nap after my yoga exercises and before my morning walk.

After breakfast, I watered the forty-two recently planted bushes, which will require a lot of water until they are properly rooted. After I ate my breakfast, I felt exhausted and took another two-hour nap. My alarm went off at 11 a.m., reminding me to call my friend Jean for our water meditation. She just had cataract surgery and needed a lot of sleep, too.

I still felt tired after the call. Sometimes, I feel better with physical activity. I went out to do some more weeding and collect green waste. I loaded a trash barrel with the green waste to take to my friend Darby’s house. I didn’t walk it down at that time because the sun was high and it was too hot.

I had four clients scheduled this afternoon. Mama K proposed I meet with the Twins at 2 p.m. When I sent the link, she called to tell me that both girls had gone to bed the moment they got home and were sound asleep. I took the opportunity to bathe Elsa and wash the kitchen floor.

I had fourth grade GV at 3. He said he was seeing improvement in his reading and spelling. He was reading faster, and his spelling had improved. While he can figure out a word using an approximate pronunciation and context clues, he’s not comfortable doing it. He may be very literal-minded. He still thinks he should get the correct pronunciation of a word he doesn’t know how to read. Decoding an English word with that degree of accuracy is often impossible. You need to use additional strategies, like remembering words or spelling patterns and using context clues. GV is getting better at dealing with uncertainty when the teacher introduces something unfamiliar, a trait more important than reading or writing. Once that’s in place, he can learn anything.

I was supposed to have fourth-grade LG at 4:30. He never showed up. I got a text from his mom saying she had been out picking up her daughter from school. When she got home, she couldn’t find her son anywhere. This is the first time this has happened, and it’s fine with me. if it happened at every session, I would be disturbed.

Tuesday, December 17, 2024

I was up by 4:30 and slept soundly from 10-2. Yesterday, I read that the mind rests between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m., and the body rests between 2 and 6. Mental exhaustion seems to get me, mostly from sharp reactions to events or troubling thoughts. However, I discovered if I take a short nap after doing my morning yoga exercises, I don’t feel like I’m dragging during my morning walk. I made a point of getting up early and doing those morning exercises to get in that morning nap. It made me feel better on the walk even though I didn’t think I slept.

It was very cold on my morning walk. It inspired me to cancel my appointment for heart tests on Oahu on the 26th. The travel department scheduled me for the 6 a.m. flight. I would have to leave the house at 4:45 to be at the airport by 5 when the airport opens. There are no enclosed heated waiting rooms. I would have to sit in the cold until boarding time, which my guess would be sometime around 5:30, an hour and a half. It was too early for Darby and me, who volunteered to drive me to the airport. I’d drive myself; it isn’t the money that’s the problem. The problem is I might not find a parking space. Turo companies park their cars, leaving instructions for the newly arrived where to find them. Then, the departing leave their cars for the Turo owners to pick them up. There are no spaces left for people like me.

I had an appointment for those heart tests a month ago. I was scheduled for a 7 a.m. flight.

Darby picked me up around 6 a.m.; she dropped me off around 6:15. I had trouble checking in at the kiosk because I didn’t have the correct reservation number and had to wait in line for a clerk. It was another 5 minutes before I could be seen. The clerk asked for my driver’s license and announced, “You missed your flight. The door closed at 6:30. You should be here an hour and a half before flight time.” Ours is a small airport. I still doubt his information was accurate. I argued the airport wasn’t open an hour and a half before the 7 a.m. flight. He snapped back; it opened at 5 a.m. Does anyone want to tell me how I can check in an hour and a half for a 6 a.m. flight when the airport only opens at 5? I still think he was just in a nasty mood.

When I left at 6 for the 7 a.m. flight, I missed it. However, I don’t believe they closed the doors at 6:30 for a 7:00 a.m. flight, as the clerk at the counter told me, not at this airport. I’m still angry about the attendant who told me I had to be there an hour and a half before. That’s nuts at this airport.

It was so cold this morning I wore a heavy windbreaker over my sweatshirt. It never felt like too much. Instead, I was grateful for the added warmth. When I ran into Carol and Phil at 6, they were underdressed, by my estimation. I asked if they weren’t cold. Phil said, “It’s forty degrees in Oregon.” Maybe, but do you go out dressed like that? No, of course not.

The other day, Dean told me he had received a summons for jury duty with a special notice. The courthouse is kept at a low temperature. The notice said, “Dress appropriately.” Dean interpreted that to mean, Wear your mainland winter clothes.

Monday, December 16, 2024

I was up by 4:30. I watched the Rusty the Fox video Jean, my Hanai sister, recommended. It tells a fantastic story of a young fox rescued by a vet and released in the wild who comes home every night to sleep with his human family. Not only did the fox maintain his relationships with these humans, but it also brought other injured animals to them for help. I was suspicious because it said the vet’s wife took terrific pictures, but the video didn’t include one of them. I also searched for other stories about this fox. I couldn’t find a single reference outside of the video.

At nine-thirty, I left for town with the car loaded with aluminum cans and refundable bottles for Atlas Recycling Center. My haul was worth $17.79. I instructed them to give the money to someone who needed it. The men who work there are probably among the houseless. They get to keep the money. I’m probably not the only one who does this.

I drove to the bank to deposit money and cash checks. The parking lot was jammed, and I expected a long line. Not at all. While all three tellers were occupied, I was the next one in line.

I wanted to deposit money. The teller had me sign a form acknowledging the name she’d written on the form was mine. It wasn’t. She took the name off one of the checks instead of my driver’s license. She was about to deposit the money into the wrong account. That would have been a kick in the pants for me and a boom for someone else.

I wanted to nap when I got home. Moma K answered my text, saying she had paddling practice after school, but Twin A was home because she had a dental appointment. I worked with her on spelling using 5th-grade text.

Elsa and I finally got a chance to visit with Paulette. I heard my second horror story. The first was from Yvette. The local post office has finally revised the routes and adjusted salaries. The postal workers hadn’t received a raise in a long time. Someone discovered that the salary assignments may not be correct. Some people may be overpaid. Instead of making an immediate adjustment, the plan is to wait a year and adjust retroactively. This means some employees will owe money to the post service. They won’t know if or how much. The postal workers union signed off on this arrangement. Can you imagine waiting a year before you know it and having that hang over your head?

The second nightmare was the one Paulette shared with me. A son of a friend lives on Lanai with his family. They moved there because his wife got a job as a music teacher. It wound up being a bad situation. The local library said they would hire his wife if she got her Master’s degree in library sciences. She is on the verge of completing it. They started the paperwork on the hiring process. Then she got a phone call. They can’t hire her; she needs two years of experience. There is no way to get two years of experience on Lanai. The public library is the only one. K quit her job with the school district and went into debt to earn her Master’s. She completed it just in time. Her health insurance policy with the board of ed. would expire.

Despite the weight of these nightmare stories, Paulette, Elsa, and I had a good time. Aya was up there two. She’s a big, bouncy labradoodle. Her ‘dad’ allows her to sleep on top of him. Not good training if you’d prefer this 100 lb dog not to crawl into your lap and lick your face. Paulette threw the mouse to Elsa, as usual. Aya chased Elsa, not the mouse. I think Elsa would have had no compunction taking a chunk out of Aya’s nose if she had.

I reviewed rounding with fourth-grade LG. He did pretty well identifying the ‘raised score’ and ‘let it rest’ numbers for each place value.

We also did another writing exercise. He showed significant improvement. I used the same prompt – a color. He got to choose it. He started looking around him for something that color. I had to push him to use his imagination. He made the shift and dictated this story. It needed some editing, but it hung together.

Sunday, December 15, 2024

I got a good night’s sleep after using the Breathe Right Strip. A partially crushed septum makes it hard for me to breathe through my left nostril. The skin of the nose collapses more each year as my skin breaks down with age. With the Breath Right Strip, I can keep the nostrils open, ensuring I breathe through my nose instead of my mouth. Nose breathing promotes calm; mouth breathing promotes anxiety. Mike was a mouth breather. He took one and a half to two breaths when asleep and one when I was awake. I knew his bad habits would limit his life expectancy. Sadly, Mike wasn’t one to make changes in his breathing or posture. If I corrected his posture, he’d make a cursory effort and say, ‘Gee, this is comfortable.” And that would put an end to that.

There was a baptism at church today. The baby I saw a few weeks ago. I noticed her head was lolling, and neither the mother nor the grandmother made an effort to support her head when they held her. It was painful to watch. That incident was several weeks ago. The baby’s head still lolled in that uncomfortable way. I don’t think there’s any doubt that this poor baby is in trouble. I can’t imagine the family hasn’t seen their pediatrician and doesn’t know there’s a problem.

After church, I stopped at Island Naturals to pick up some more Vitamin K-7, which Dr. Reed recommended since I refused to take that near-lethal medication for osteoporosis at an out-of-pocket cost of $450 every 28 days.

One of the Kia shuttle drivers was twenty-two-year-old Zion. I praised the customer service and asked how it was to work there. He confirmed what I thought: Joe, his service manager, was a joy to work for. Zion had only started working there within the last six months when the new general manager took over.

Zion talked about his life. He said a short while ago, his life was going nowhere. He was living in his mother’s home, lying about all day. Now, he was the father of a three-month-old and had a job. His days had meaning now. Each day, he was a dad and did meaningful work at Kia. Doing things for others gave his mind meaning. It was touching.

Having a meaningful role and contributing something to the good of others gives our lives meaning. I lived in a commune in my thirties. I noticed the difference between residents and guests in what they could contribute. Guests weren’t expected to/allowed to make the same contributions to the community as the residents were. It was the badge of membership/belonging.

Ideally, everyone has a place at the table, equal rights to want and get, and equal right to give and do for. Something akin to Marx’s ideal, “From each according to their means; to each according to their need.” I said “something akin to” because it does not cover all contingents. A group like that must be small and technologically primitive enough to limit the possibilities.

The Amish live in closed communities, rejecting technology and a system of punishment for violations of all codes of behavior. They’re anti-abortion and, needless to say, anti-murder. I don’t know if abortions actually happen, but an internet search reveals there are murders. Those are a result of neurotic behavior possibly born from the repression within the group. Goodness knows that a freer lifestyle also produces people with perverse tendencies. What I don’t hear happening in the Amish community is the use of violence to punish violators of the social code. They do exile them, but only those who want to leave the community, not those who violate the code but remain in the community. Even those driven to commit serious violations of the Ten Commandments are forgiven if they repent. The example of the Amish community doesn’t contradict my theory of how our forebears lived. The Amish do not live at a survival level. Once the basic physical needs of the community are met, deviation from the code can be tolerated up to a point.

We all want an equal place at the table. The cucumber/grape experiment on monkeys demonstrates what happens if the distribution is unequal. I think it also reflects human impulses. The experiment involved two monkeys in neighboring cages. They could observe each other. When both moneys were given cucumbers, all was good. When both were given grapes, all was good. When one was given cucumbers and observed his neighbor getting grapes, all hell broke loose. Cucumbers were just fine as long as everyone got the same. We don’t do well with unfair differences any more than the monkeys do.

Those who need to be distinguished as higher or better than others are those who don’t trust their place at the table, their inclusion as is. I heard something recently that rang true. Those who feel they can’t get love pursue admiration; those who fear they can’t get admiration pursue respect; and those who think they can get respect want people to fear them.

I have a new understanding of laziness. Truly lazy people are those who suppress impulses to do something. Doing nothing and being unproductive is an unnatural state for any living thing. We are movers, doers. Several expressions draw a direct relationship between idleness and the devil. Poor productivity leads to poor self-image, which leads to destructive behavior. Sadly, it’s not just those who do nothing; the rule applies to those who feel they don’t do enough.

Talk of laziness leads us to the topic of shame. Oy vey! It is a hot topic these days. Shame gets a bad name. Shame has a vital function. It tells us we violated a social rule, usually something nonlegal. It also tells us when we are violated or violate others, usually some minor infraction that makes someone else feel uncomfortable. Shame helps maintain social harmony. It functions best when it plays a minor role in our lives, with slight tweaks instead of taser shocks.

We have a comparable system that informs us when we make mistakes when we read. I work with students who misread words, ignore spelling and meaning, and render sentences nonsense. The major step toward becoming a good reader is when our subconscious automatically recognizes misread words.

Saturday, December 14, 2024

I woke up with pain in my upper back and left arm. Had I dislocated the shoulder replacement? I was warned that it was an option. Pain in the upper back. And left arm. Have I damaged that reverse shoulder implant? I would have a complete range of motion with the regular shoulder replacement. With the reverse shoulder replacement, the range of movement is limited. I can only raise my arm three-quarters of the way. I can't reach across my back, no less up my back. All back-scratching has to be done with my right hand. I can't even reach across the front of my body to scratch my right side. Nonetheless, I have been exploring the outer limits of what's possible.

Besides working on an increased range of motion in my left shoulder, I'm working on straightening the hump on my upper back. When I was young, those muscles were hard as rocks. They're not soft and pliable now, but they're better. My physical therapist warned me about changing my posture at this age. Bone spurs developed in response to the posture I had. I could be unleashing unexpected problems.

I used the MELT roller on my upper back. It took a while, but I got a release. I heard, rather than felt, my neck pop. Then, the spasm in my left arm and upper back released.

I had been reluctant to get up and be active this morning. I woke up around 1:30 and dozed on and off for the rest of the night. I should have gotten up at 4. Lying in bed when I'm ready to get up is annihilating. When I was young, anxiety drove me. I was compelled to stay in motion. It wasn't that I didn't procrastinate, but I couldn't stand being physically still. I often 'want' to do something and stop myself from following that impulse. That's good if the impulse is harmful to me or others, but the impulse I'm repressing is to wash the kitchen floor, get that plant into the ground, repot a plant, post an ad, and make a video for YouTube. What is this confusion about doing or not doing?. Is it just me, afraid I won't do something well enough? I suffered from that badly when I was a kid. While I wonder if the need to repress the impulse to 'do something' is specifically mine, there are papers and YouTube videos on the subject. Indeed, I'm not alone.

I started observing these phenomena as a human trait instead of just mine. obviously, we need to be able to repress inappropriate or dangerous impulses. But why do we repress impulses that are appropriate or productive? I recently heard a story about a famous performer who experienced fear before going on stage. When asked why, given their record of success, the performer said, "Yes. But will I be able to do it again?" Each time we perform an act, we worry about whether we can do it again.

What are the consequences if we fail? Now, I don't fear failure every time I shower and get dressed. But then again, I don't worry about what I'm wearing. My goal is to cover my nakedness with a minimal nod to social convention. I don't try to look 'good,' just not offensive. The bar is low. The performance goal is one element. the people who are our judges are another. If we are with someone accepting and not judgmental, we may feel comfortable unless we're afraid we will disappoint them. But what's this about when we're the only judge? When we have no fear of others even knowing or caring if we wash our floors? If I thought I might be praised for something, my self-consciousness and fearfulness would be worse. This doesn't mean I am looking for praise; it's just that considering it a possibility messes with my perspective.

Looking at my procrastination from the perspective of a universal human impulse was helpful. I got some things done I'd been putting off. I watered the 42 shrubs and asked Darby for advice on soil amendment before planting the large kua gardenia. I wondered about mixing the compost from my vegetable waste with the soil. Darby asked how long it had been sitting. A week? A month? I was confident it was no longer 'raw.' I hadn't added any new food waste for over a year. It felt like soil.

I put the documentation I used to get my new driver's license back into its drawer in the library. There was too much in it. I had six old passports, and Mike had three. I had no need for them, but I wanted to keep the pictures. I ripped them out of the passports. I have one from 1962, a photo from my college graduation, another from some unknown date, one from 1976 for my trip to Ireland with Mike, and another from our trip to Germany in 2001. Mike had three old ones. The first was from 1976 for our trip.

Darby and I ran into English Mike on our evening walk. He had been back in town for several months. I learned he was wrestling with an irrigation system for his hostesshe called it an aggravation system. I asked him if he could give me a half-hour tutorial.

Wednesday, September 16, 2026

Friday, December 13, 2024

What a day!! Everything worked out fine, but oh, boy. Yesterday, I figured out I had scheduled three events at the same time. On Wednesday, Joe, the service manager at Kia, told me a specialist

t would fly in from Honolulu to make a hands-on diagnosis of problems. Could I bring my car first thing on Thursday morning? I told him sure, no problem. I didn't need a loaner, forgetting about my 9 am dental appointment. I called Vicki, the dental receptionist, to see if she could fit someone else in my time slot. She couldn't reach anyone else. I didn't feel comfortable canceling. A friend's father was a dentist, and his mother was his receptionist. I hadn't realized how important that role was in maintaining a solvent business. His mother made sure appointment slots were filled when someone canceled. I knew that this dentist wasn't getting wealthy from this business. I felt I couldn't cancel on him and leave that time slot blank. I got there with Lyft.

I planned to call at 8:15 to order the ride. By the time I started ordering the car, it was 8:20. By this time I had my order in, it was close to 8:25. I ordered the ride in fifteen minutes. There was no response. Frantic, I ordered the car in under six minutes for a few more dollars. That got an immediate response. I concluded they delayed response to the cheaper order. The driver arrived at 8:38. I was at the dentist before nine am. The whole event was trivial, just anxiety-producing because I was unfamiliar with it.

As always, I climbed the stairs to the dentist's second-floor office. The stairs are narrow enough that I can hold on to the railings on both sides. I practice taking those stairs two at a time, holding on for extra oomph and safety. The last time I took those stairs, I could easily take on the challenge with my right leg. I tried it with my left, but didn't have the strength to make it. Today, I did it quickly with both legs. Wow! That's some improvement.

I was just at the dentist for a cleaning and checkup. I got a good bill of health based on the success of my dental hygiene. However, the dentist found several soft spots where the tooth was exposed beyond the cap and one spot that required a filling. I made an appointment for January.

I called Kia while riding in the Lyft to the dentist to check on the state of my car. If the mechanic from Honolulu had been there yesterday, I could get my car this morning. I would have their shuttle pick me up at the dentist's office and save myself a second Lyft fee.

The Honolulu mechanic had been by. He agreed my car needed a replacement part. Joe was explaining what the deal was to me when I interrupted. I only wanted to know if I could have my car back today, in which case, he should send someone to the dentist's office to pick me up. Joe said the Honolulu tech told him to hold my car in the shop until the job was done, but I could have a loaner. I should call when I was through at the dentist, and he would send someone to get me.

When Joe collected my loan form information, he noticed that my driver's license had expired. I usually renew my license at least three months before the expiration date. I had never been in this position before. After some discussion, Joe suggested that their shuttle driver drive me home, wait while I pick up the necessary documentation, my birth certificate, marriage license, and social security card, and then drive me to the DMV. Wow! I have to write a review of the company for its customer service. I have never seen anything like it. it would be one thing if I asked, but Joe's the one who proposed it. Holy cow!

When I got my driver's license renewed two years ago, the experience was a nightmare. This time, it was a dream. I anticipated a two-hour wait while I sat at the picnic tables outside the DMV with at least a dozen other people waiting to be served.

Last time, I waited in line with at least ten people ahead of me to speak to someone to check in and get a number. That alone was a slow process. There was no line this time, and only two people were sitting at the picnic benches waiting to be served. What was going on?

I entered the room. I entered my information into a kiosk. No, I did not have an appointment. I was told there were no appointments available. Please speak to the attendant. I thought I would have to make an appointment for another day. Not at all. He scheduled me for 11:45. I completed the form and sat down. Several people came in who had appointments and went ahead of me. I was called. I went to the assigned window. I handed the clerk an expired passport, birth certificate, and social security card. She asked when I had changed my name legally. I froze. I just added -Ross to my name some years after I was legally married. I hadn't done it through a legal process. She asked if I had my wedding certificate. Oh, that. Yes, I did. I had two copies. Apparently, one was a copy.

Then, I had to take an eye exam. I worried about that. Sandor had suggested I take it in his office instead of at the DMV. It was too late to use that option. "Read the numbers in line 5." I got most of them, only reading a 6 as a 5. The clerk told me to check it. She asked me to identify road signs. That was easy. I paid using a credit card and walked over to the area where they took my picture. first, I had to have my fingerprints taken electronically. I asked for a minute before she took my picture. I was exhausted. I gave my face a fast massage and posed. Good God, I came out looking like I had facial reconstruction. I barely recognized myself.

I called Kia and asked for someone to pick me up. It took a while, as they got delayed at the shop. When I got there, it was quick work. He collected my documents. I now had a valid driver's license, insurance card, and credit card number. I drove away in a grey sedan hybrid.

I needed to eat and nap. I had two clients for sure, and possibly the twins as well. The first was fourth-grade GV. I continued working with him on spelling. I dictate complete sentences from Barnell Loft's paragraphs. The results are amazing when dictating random words in the context of natural speech. I can pinpoint where the student is having problems and address it. I had to review the rule governing the spelling of a after a w, as in wash, watch, what, and want. The a after a /w/ sounds like a short /o/ instead of the short /a/. he also had trouble with the VCe pattern, as in like and take. This led to a review of the long and short vowel sounds. He couldn't remember which was which. When I asked him to remember what he could of the chart, he flipped it so the long vowels were on the left and the short on the right. Then he had problems remembering which ones were the long ones. The trick is that the long ones sound like the names of the letters representing them. He couldn't remember that.

I tried a mental trick. I created an image of being chased by an ape and running a long distance. The connection made no sense to GV. The sentence made no sense, but he didn't panic and go into brain freeze. I struggled to find a way to present it so it made sense. He had trouble with random connections. He also has a history of problems when presented with anything unfamiliar. This mental pattern has interfered with his learning. You can't mentally shut down when the teacher introduces something new. You have to learn to live with the uncertainty and disorientation. Even better, you have to learn to associate it with the joyous event of learning something new. I asked him if he was doing better with that in school. He said yes. "This is the most important thing I have to teach you. Once you learn that, you can learn anything." I teach students that they have to learn to discern the difference between situations that can be really dangerous and those that are disorienting but not dangerous. He said he was interested in learning to be more open.

I had 7th grade RC. I may have been calling her sixth-grade RC by mistake. I introduced the spelling approach I started using with fourth-grade GV and then applied it to several other students. I dictate sentences on a fifth-grade level. She said it was easy to spell small words. The process worked to reveal the areas where she did have problems. She didn't pronounce all the syllables in multisyllabic words. This happened several times. She also had a problem isolating the base word from the suffix. Even that may be an extension of not identifying all the syllables or a unique aspect of the problem. She said this instruction was helpful.

I discovered that RC has an incredible ability to recall long sentences after one hearing. Wow! What a strength.

I listened to the 5 Stories audiofile while I napped. When walking with Darby, she used a Hawaiian phrase. I repeated it accurately and with ease. I have noticed a similar improvement in several situations. This is new. It looks like listening to the audiofile while sleeping can impact me as well as my students. It's changing my brain, even though I'm the one who made the audio file. It's my voice. I'm blown away. This, unfortunately, does not yet mean that I can remember over time what I could so easily repeat. Is my short-term memory already too weak for my recall to be improved? If I do see an improvement, this could benefit all older people.

Thursday, December 12, 2024

This morning, I weighed 135.5 lbs. A few months ago, I was concerned by my rapid weight loss. I got down to 131 from 139; I didn't want to go any lower. At my age, I need to maintain some body fat in case of a catastrophic event. Lutz told me the vulnerable are the very fat, the very thin, and those who are not in good physical shape.

Yesterday, the service manager at Kia, Joe, called to say a master Kia mechanic was coming over from Honolulu to diagnose problems that couldn't be diagnosed online. Could I bring in my car on Thursday morning? I got up early to drop it off. Joe didn't have a loaner available. I told him, "No worries. I wouldn't need one until Monday." I got the car there by 8:30.

My friend Melissa called. Would Friday morning work for me? She would drop in to visit for an hour or so. She was leaving the following day for a month stint volunteering as an OBGyn in the Australian Outback. Then, Vicki, the dental receptionist, called to tell me the antibiotic I was taking for the UTI was good enough. I didn't need to take another antibiotic prophylactically before dental treatment. Anyone with metal in their body, like a hip replacement, shoulder replacement, or partial elbow replacement, must take it. I qualify. For reasons I don't understand, these implants increase the risk of infection. Then, the penny dropped. I had a nine a.m. dental appointment, I didn't have a car to get there, and I arranged for a friend to visit at the same time.

I asked Vicki if she could find someone to fill my slot. A missed appointment is a missed payment, and I hate doing that to someone dependent on their clients to cover their expenses. She tried, but the people she called didn't answer their phones. I called my friend Melissa and told her I couldn't make it. I would see her when she got back in a month. I got the car to Kia by 8:30 a.m., and they drove me home.

Yvette planned to share dinner with me on the night of my birthday but had to cancel because she became ill. It was a short-lived virus infection, starting with a sore throat. We had dinner tonight. She brought an egg sandwich and a side of avocado. I had a bowl of lentil soup and a salad. Neither of us cooks.

I nearly forgot about my appointment with seventh-grade LV. We only meet for half an hour a week and have only had two appointments, and her mother canceled our appointment last week. She's also responding quickly to my teaching methods, so I don't think about her a lot. I started showing her the six-step procedure for decoding multi-syllable words. She applied it immediately.

My initial plan was to teach her how to decode multi-syllable words, then work on comprehension and, only afterward, drill the fine points of decoding to increase reading speed. I forgot about my plan to focus on comprehension. I forgot that her mother told me it was a problem. She read fiction at a 5th-grade level and informational text at a third-grade level. Given her obvious intelligence, it was hard to think of her as having problems with comprehension.

Using seventh-grade material, the work we did today revealed a gap in her comprehension. She didn't get further than the first clause in the first sentence.: "Gazing across the a/r-i-d, rocky Moroccan plain," She hit problems reading arid. She read the i as a long instead of a short vowel. She would need extensive phonics training. However, she did decode Moroccan correctly. By the end of the phrase, I diagnosed a cause for her comprehension problems. upon checking her understanding of the words in the clause, I discovered she didn't use context to figure out the word's meaning. When I asked her the meaning of 'plain," she said not very pretty or simple. True, the plains are simple and unadorned, but that is not an adequate understanding of the word in this context. I asked her if her reading of the word made sense in this context. When I pushed her to use the context: someone's gazing across something that is rocky, even if she doesn't know the word arid. What is that something? She could tell me it was a piece of land. I wasn't surprised that she figured it out quickly. The surprise was that she hadn't done it on her own before.