Mike's death; Betty's life...

Sunday, June 7, 2026

Sunday, April 14, 2024

Last night, as I was preparing for bed, I heard a super loud coqui right outside my bedroom. I went out to see if I could locate him. Yes, it was a him. Only the males make that incredible racket. I had planned to leave the sliding door to the yard open as it was getting warmer. That noise made it out of the question. I thought to do something about it.

I went to the closet to look for the gadget I bought to spread the baking soda, which kills the frogs. It wasn't in the closet. I went out to the shed. I couldn't find it there, either. I got the bag of baking soda from the closet, chopped it into the compacted powder, scooped it out, and threw it where I thought the coqui was perched. I don't know if I got it, but I wasn't disturbed for the rest of the night. I slept peacefully until the alarm went off.

I experienced no negative thoughts upon waking about the coqui or anything else. Wow! This is a first since Mike died. I don't know how much I did this while he was alive. I know I wasn't free of it, but I don't think I did it as much. I felt safe, nestled in the protective embrace of the relationship.

I had a session with third-grade M. We continued reading Stuart Little. She is doing very well. I asked her if she was doing better in school. She said yes. I asked her if she understood what others said better. Also, yes. I suspect she doesn't need my help academically anymore. I asked her how much she enjoyed our sessions. She gave it a 7 out of 10. I'm more concerned about her psychologically now than academically. Her older sister has turned into a superstar, getting straight As in a challenging private school. Her mother is a very critical person. Her dad is an insecure bundle of nerves. It won't initiate the termination of our relationship. I'll wait till her mom or dad does so.

I heard Steve Peters talk on Steve Bartletts's podcast. I ordered his book, The Chimp Paradox, on Audible. I was interested because he talks about the different 'minds' in our brains. He's interested from a psychiatric point of view. I am, too, but I am also interested in it from a cognitive point of view. How do we learn? What is the role of the different parts of our brain? How do we remember? How much is the conscious mind, and how much is the unconscious.

I find his interpretation of the brain and our identity unsatisfactory. He calls our rational mind the human one, the one that accurately represents the person as they truly are. The 'chimp' mind, the emotional mind, is an intrusion.

I don't agree with him. His interpretation makes Spock the only true human on the Enterprise. My emotional mind is mine just as much as the rational mind of the prefrontal lobe. He does say while the chimp mind isn't 'our' true mind, we are responsible for its actions. He speaks of it as something not us, more like a dog we own or a child we're raising. We are responsible for the actions driven by the 'chimp' mind, but not the thoughts it produces. I see my emotional mind as just as much of me as my rational prefrontal lobe mind. The various parts of my mind work together to create 'me.' They are all parts of me, devoted to my survival and/or the survival of my genes. Saying the emotional brain is 'not the real me' is like saying if two authors co-write a book, only one can be the 'real' writer. The various aspects of my mind need to negotiate a relationship that works clearly for my benefit. Everything I do impacts others to some degree or another.

My dad raised me with that notion; I was responsible to some limited degree for everything on the planet. We all were. We impact everything. Nowadays, people talk about connecting with everyone as a spiritual realization. Most view it as just beneficial for themselves. They feel connected. I don't hear many talk about it as my dad did. With that connection was responsibility. If everything I do affects others, everything I become is for others as well as myself. They say people who live feeling connected to the larger universe are happier. I don't know if that is true. It certainly wasn't for me as I was growing up.

As I grew up, I felt the weight of that responsibility. I wasn't raised in a culture where that philosophical position was the norm. No, I was pretty much alone with it. I didn't have a good perspective. I had to develop that.

My dad also taught me that everyone does things for 'selfish' reasons. That was a hard one to digest, too. But I understand it now. While everyone does things to benefit themselves, 'good' people value the well-being of others as well as themselves. I venture even those who die for another do it for themselves. It is what they need to do. They couldn't live with themselves if they did otherwise. Some people couldn't care less about the wellbeing of others. I pity them. It can't be a happy way to live.

I hear all human beings need a purpose in life; benefitting others and having children are the most common ones. There are other objectives, like climbing Everest. Not my thing.

In another podcast, Stephen Bartlett interviewed someone who argued most heart conditions are caused by eating processed food. I hear that a lot. It's not that I disagree; I'm not sure what constitutes processed food. The speaker said anything that does not come to the table as it came from nature. The speaker said the rise of heart disease dates from the introduction of processed food. But what is it? Isn't cooking and seasoning a form of processing? I'm sure the speaker didn't mean that, but what does he mean? Spaghetti has been around forever. Bread? Neither offers the ingredients the way they came out of the ground. Of course, hot dogs, Doritos, and soda are all clearly no-nos. There must be a continuum.

Thursday, April 11, 2024

I had an appointment with Shelly at 9 am. Last week, I dealt with the unconscious rage someone felt for me.

I believe our primitive brains do feel a need to 'kill' people who are a threat to us. We feel easily threatened in our modern lives. Our primitive brains see contradiction as a threat. We are designed to live in small, highly regulated groups. They needn't be hierarchical. No, they can be non-hierarchical. However, the social rules are the same throughout the structure and are accepted by all. The pathway for all social interactions is laid out, and everyone understands them. If someone doesn't, they have to leave the group. Leaving the group in primitive times meant death. No human could survive on their own for long. You were either in and a valued group member or a future valued member (a child), or you were not. Nowadays, we have no single social structure; there are no rules we all accept.

Currently, we don't live in a well-regulated world. The rules are different from home to home and even within a home. Parents come from different cultural backgrounds and often move to a location with an unfamiliar culture to both parents. This applies to immigrants and people who move from one part of a country to another. We all stand on shifting sands, unsure of the rules. Some can live with the confusion. Those who can't insist their rules are right and judge others. It is nerve-wracking for one and all.

We casually throw around the phrase 'I could kill you,' meaning no harm. Most of us never acknowledge the impulse. However, the impulse is in there. It scares us all. We know the depth of our anger. It haunts us if we haven't acknowledged this impulse and made our peace with it.

When I did healing professionally, I led many clients through visualization to free them from fear and to help them recognize that the impulse doesn't make them killers, not even potential killers. I never did it with myself, even though I know how freeing it can be. Last week, I faced someone's anger at me. For the purpose of love and healing (an essential frame for the visualization to be healing). I allowed them to 'kill' me. I can't remember the details of the image, but I know it relieved some tension in our relationship. I saw differences.

Over the week, I thought it wasn't only the other person who wanted to 'kill' me; it Was also me who wanted to 'kill' them. I had to face that. I was sure that some of my anger at this other person had nothing to do with them. it was misplaced anger at my mother. I adored her. She was also lethal. She became enraged when she didn't get things her way. She needed total agreement with everything. I had to know 'what to do,' whatever she thought should be done. It was maddening. I have never dealt with the depth of my anger toward her. I still hadn't after this session. But I was able to deal with my anger for the other person. While I'm comfortable with my experience, I'm not comfortable sharing it in this format. Some may take the impulse literally. Many thoughts and impulses arise from the depths of our unconscious minds and don't result in action. Thank God. But those forces can be unleashed.

The massacres in Rwanda in 1994 is a frightening example. That impulse was unleashed. We all need to be on the alert. We can't take it literally. We can't make that part of our brains our masters. Neither can we assume it's not there. It's there in all animals. We have to surrender it to God in the Christian tradition or sit with it with equanimity in the Buddhist tradition. If we don't acknowledge it, we leave ourselves open for disaster. Those poor Hutus who woke up from that dream to discover what they had done. Many still soothe themselves by believing their hands on violence was justified. That's one way of dealing with the horror, but it doesn't lead to peace; it only leads to more horror. We are the most dangerous animal on the planet.

My image; it was violent and relieving, not because it 'destroyed' the other person, but because I observed the anger calmly, trusting it would do no harm to the other person. These images always have to be done for the purpose of love and healing of both parties. They may, in fact, be dangerous if they are taken too literally, even in our imaginations. I faced my anger calmly. I didn't have to fight it anymore. I didn't have to deny it to protect myself from seeing it in myself. Again, I saw an immediate change in myself and the other person.

At 10:15, I had an appointment with twenty-six-year-old S. No, she had done no reading since our meeting on Tuesday. Today, she ran into a problem. She couldn't remember words she had been reading with ease. This is common in the learning process. It could be a reversion to an old pattern or the mind fighting back. Her brain was changing with the new learning. I wasn't concerned about the 'setback.' But I was concerned about her emotional reaction to it. I worried she would take it as a bad sign.

S particularly struggled with the name Deena. Not only couldn't she remember the name, which she read repeadtedly every time we met, she couldn't remember the double ee stood for the long /e/ sound. Then she couldn't for the life of her sound the na in the right order. She kept switching it to an. She allowed me to push her through. She got it. But I'm not sure what was going on in her brain. She couldn't tell me. I assured her we could fix it.`

I called the supervisor at the solar company I engaged to replace the solar panels I got from Hawaiian Solar in 2017. Those panels wound up being a bad batch. Many have given out already. They were replaced one at a time- but it took forever. There are only seven Hawaiian solar customers affected by this problem. Beth, the office administrator, is one of them. The company decided to give these customers the choice of continuing with them or accepting a warranty payment. I chose the payment, not knowing all the implications.

Provision Solar assigned a young man to my case. He asked me basic questions. He called me again to say he needed the Enphase report on my current panel production. He encouraged me to go with the complete replacement, using 400 kw panels instead of the 300 I have now. That was the last I heard from him. On March 14, I had Beth send him a diagram of my existing panels, showing which had already been replaced. I never heard from him again. I didn't even receive the proposal for the partial replacement. I called him; he said he had sent it out last week; he was on the road now and would send it out when he returned to the office. Nothing. Today, I asked to speak to his supervisor. He said I would have the proposals in the next 35 minutes. I received an email containing only one proposal. I called the supervisor to report that I received the complete replacement proposal but not the partial one. I received both within the next 35 minutes.

The supervisor advised me against replacing the defunct 300 panels with more of the same. They were hard to find. Was he telling the truth? I called Beth at Hawaiian Solar. Beth confirmed that the 300 panels were hard to come by. They weren't making them anymore. She had to search in the back rooms of warehouses. I trust Beth completely.

The other question I had was about the tax rebate. According to the proposals the young man sent me, I am entitled to a tax rebate with both proposals. I checked this with Beth, too. She said no. If I just replace the panels that had never given out, I would not be eligible for the tax rebate. I will check this information with my accountant.

I was home all day because I had the fifth appointment with the Sears repairman. Two of them were canceled at the end of the day to say they didn't have a repairman available. On the third one, the problem was diagnosed. On the fourth visit, the repairmen discovered the wrong parts had been sent, and he had to reorder. The fifth visit was a successful one. My refrigerator ice maker worked again.

I am making changes in response to what I'm learning. I've stopped drinking orange juice. after my shoulder and elbow surgeries, my caretakers fed me orange juice daily and oatmeal. I continued after they left. On one of the podcasts, orange juice was condemned for containing too much sugar. I substituted green tea for the o.j. Green tea is considered a superfood.

I also learned the importance of having contact with the Earth on one of the Huberman podcasts. Everything on my property is rocky. Darby and Patrick have a lovely, thick lawn. I asked her if I could walk there once a day. Of course. I could feel the difference immediately. I don't know if it is as healing as it claims to be, but it feels good.

These podcasts also discuss diets, such as sixteen-hour fasts and sugar-free diets. In response, I ate more and gulped down sugar. I panicked.

Wednesday, April 10, 2024

I called first-grade BZ's mom this morning to say I didn't think she required more tutoring. I recommended we meet once for a half-hour session and the following week for fifteen minutes so she didn't feel abandoned because she did well. That would be a damaging association. First, her mom said okay. Then, I asked her if she agreed with me. She said she would prefer to stop cold turkey and continue if BZ asks about it.

I have fallen into a Steve Bartlett podcast sinkhole. From what I've heard, his is the most popular podcast on YouTube. He interviews people on human development and improvement. It does me good to hear about the struggles of all human beings to be better people. I don't know if it will help me improve or just be comforting to know I'm not alone. Either way, it isn't a total loss.

Bartlett interviewed Steve Peters, a psychiatrist. Peters talks about improving our social/emotional life. He talks about the three parts of the brain from that perspective. I was interested in understanding it from a cognitive perspective. Many of my students are resistant to using their conscious minds to learn. They want it all to come easily without effort. I tell them I'm on their side; I share their goal. However, we need to use our conscious minds to train our unconscious minds. Once our unconscious minds have learned, there's no stopping us. Peters said the unconscious mind, which he called the computer, is a huge storehouse of information, operating 20 times faster than the conscious mind, which he calls the human mind, and 4x faster than the emotional mind, which he calls the chimp mind.

Research shows that most of what we do every day is dictated by our unconscious minds. Those neurons in the back of our brain and those involved in firing muscles are in play before our conscious minds start to stir. The role of our conscious minds is to observe and judge the efficacy of the plan our unconscious minds have already put into action. Our conscious minds have the role of putting on the brakes. The conscious mind is occasionally involved in evaluating choices and making decisions long before an action is set into motion. This is a cognitive view of these three parts of our brain.

I went to Ulu Wini again today. I go twice a week. As I approached the table where the students sat, Ipo asked who wanted to work with me. No one responded. Then, she told third-grade BR she was it. BR made a face. I imitated her face and told her to come. She smiled and came. We continued working on her automatic recall of words. She went through all the sight word lists I had on hand, words 1-200, whereas last time, she only took on the first 50 words. I need to print out lists through 400.

I called on 3rd grade AR next. I noticed yesterday she didn't understand the concepts of before and after. I called in 3rd grade BER to help. I formed a line with the three of us.

Then, I went through who was before AR and who was after AR, etc. Then we turned around and did the same exercise. I had AR list everything she did in the morning when getting ready for school.

She listed eight activities listed. I then went through her. She brushed her teeth before washing her face and her face after brushing her teeth. Yesterday, I asked her the words before and after in her parent's language. She had no idea. Today, she identified those words. This is a significant step in language awareness. It might have been possible there were no words for before and after in her native language. If not, there would have been another to express the concepts, but not two words.

When I worked with Adolescent D today, he delivered an amazing surprise. He now thinks figuring out words is fun!!!! Halleluiah!!! If he keeps playing with it, the sky's the limit. He also follows my directions, looking for the familiar parts of the word. He identified the suffix -tion before the rest of the word. For those of you who think all words should be read from left to right as they are written, know the eye movements when we read constantly jerk back and forth. We collect the familiar parts and assemble the word on the fly. Even Orton Gillingham teaches that. Identify the suffixes and prefixes first. Suffixes come at the end of the word. Those of us who process lines of print in a single glance know the unconscious brain, the part that processes information 20x faster than the conscious mind, does the work. We don't know exactly what it does and does not do.

No one else wanted to work with me after that. I was packing up when 3rd grade SE sat down with an eager look. I asked if he wanted to work with me. Yesterday, I worked with automatic processing. He only made it through the first 25 words but was amazed to discover that his mind gave him those words without struggling. He repeated that performance today. He was thrilled. So was I.

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

I finally got around to trimming the shrubs that had gotten out of hand along the driveway. I reached many of the branches in the front with ease. Since I was cutting a nine-foot shrub down to six feet, branches at the top and back were hard to reach, even with a three-step ladder. I thought I would have to ask someone to help me, but I figured out a way. I feared using the step ladder on the uneven ground by the fence. Then I calculated that I would be safe between the stability of the six-foot wire fence and the dense shrub. I was.

I filled one 5-gallon Home Depot orange bucket with the shrub cuttings. Darby carried it home after we walked together in the evening. I will fill it up again when she returns it until the driveway is clear. Then, I’ll start on the next shrub.

I didn’t weed the mulch patch where the Ficus trees had been removed. I was waiting for my short-handled pick axe to arrive on the 15th because this rocky ground is hard to dig in.

I went to Ulu Wini today instead of Thursday. Sears was scheduled for the third attempt to fix my ice dispenser. So far, all the parts delivered were the wrong ones.

I started with 3rd grade SE. Ipo called him several times to work with me, but he refused to come. I finally walked across the yard and ordered him to work with me. I can appreciate his reluctance. The last time I worked with him, it was nothing but frustration and failure. Today, I started with the first 50 words on the Fry Sight Word List. I don’t know if I had already showed him how to draw on automatic recall. If I did, he hadn’t remembered it. Today, he got it. He went through the first 25. He was surprised every time his mind produced the correct response. I tell the kids to say what their mind says, even if it’s the wrong answer. All the mind’s responses give me information on how their mind works. Then, I can diagnose the problem.

SE did better the first time he read through the first 25 words than the second time. I asked him if there was movement in his brain. He first told me no. Then he told me there was, but it was in a different place than last time. I guided him through a spin release. Where last time, the spin increased in speed before it stopped; today, it decreased in speed before it stopped. He also told me the ugly brown mass at the top of his head was gone. Looks like we’re moving in the right direction.

Fifth-grade RC asked to work with me. Before, I read the text from Hatch and asked comprehension questions. RC asked if she could read it herself. Her word recognition is weaker than her comprehension. I stopped the work on comprehension and concentrated on decoding multisyllabic words. Fifth-grade MA heard what we were working on and asked to join. They both caught on to the six-step procedure for decoding multisyllabic words I teach. I gave them paper, pencils, and my Kindle and told them to work on their own. Now they saw this as a game, nothing could stop them.

In my second session this week with first-grade BZ. Yesterday, we worked on her discomfort when things don’t go her way. Her mom confirmed this was a problem in all aspects of her life. Today, I continued working on related problems besides her need to have everything her way; she needs everything to be easy, too. She doesn’t feel good putting in effort. She reported that her reading was better, although she was still in a group of underperformers. I assured her she was way ahead of her grade level in other ways and she would be fine, better than fine. Her memory of a story and comprehension are off the charts.

Today, something unexpected came out. She was scared of a shooter attacking her school. Wow! These poor kids are sitting trapped in the classroom with that specter hanging over their heads. They do regular sniper attack drills. When I was in elementary school in the late forties, we dove under our desks in anticipation of a nuclear attack from Russia. Really!!?? Did anyone think being under our desks would protect us?

Back to BZ. I taught her statistical likelihood. I drew two rectangles. For the first, I asked her if her mom had given her dinner the night before and whether she would give her dinner again tonight. She said yes. For the 100%, I filled in one of the rectangles. When I asked how much of the rectangle I should fill in for the chance of a shooter attacking her school, she also said the whole thing. I drew a comparison between her mom giving her dinner and the likelihood of a shooter hitting her school. Did one come yesterday? Does she think there is a good chance one would come tomorrow? No, on both counts. I colored in a small portion of the second rectangle. She said it relieved her fears.

Monday, April 8th, 2024

I made it to the Chi Qigong class by 8 a.m. Roger, who led the class last week, was there, but Clyde was leading it now. He barely knew what he was doing. He knew the moves, but he couldn't execute them. Roger took over after Clyde finished one sequence.

That made a huge difference. Clyde will take over the class in May when Roger and Janeen leave for six months in Colorado. At the end of the class, Roger said he was amazed at how well I caught on. I told him I was a dancer.

I was never a professional dancer, just an amateur. As a child, I did improvisational dance daily. My paternal grandfather sat in our living room every day from early morning until after dinner. , My mother said the other residents in the apartment building thought he lived there. He might as well have. He wasn't beloved, only tolerated, but he was my savior. He asked me to dance to the classical music that was constantly on the radio. I danced my heart out. I vented my fear, loneliness, and general sorrow. I don't think I would have made it without that release. I was jumping out of my skin.

One of the Chi Qigong class participants, a professional Hulu dancer, led us through a foundational exercise. I learned that the Hulu's bent knees demonstrate humility. We were instructed to imagine a five-inch nail into our belly button toward the spine with a glowing red tip. We were to see the red tip getting brighter. I didn't feel the image. More instructions would have been helpful.

Janeen was one of the most naturally beautiful women I have ever seen. I saw a twenty-something restaurant hostess that might have her beat. However, she was in her twenties; Janine was in her late 50's or early 60s.

I had an appointment with twenty-six-year-old SE. Each time I meet with her, I ask her if she did some reading on her own. She would tell me she didn't have the time. I pushed her to answer the question with words like "No," or "I thought about the words," or" I glanced at one of the stories you emailed me,", . . . . anything. "

Darby texted me that she had returned the large trash barrel that I wheeled down to her house with palm fronds. She uses them for compost. Last time, it had been sitting there for days before I noticed it. I could load up another container of green waste to deliver to her house. As I came up from the yard after putting another load together, Elaine was in my driveway with a good-sized slice of her homemade vegetarian lasagna. Her son had visited, and it was one of his favorite dishes. I said, "Ooh! I'd love a slice," just making joyful conversation, expressing appreciation for her cooking skills. She took me literally, which I didn't object to, but I also hadn't expected her to remember. Yet, here she was delivering it. I reminded her I was delighted, but she didn't have to. She said she knew that. Most people understand I don't expect people to give me what I ask for. By the way, it was delicious. I always appreciate someone else's cooking.

Later in the day, I got around to vacuuming up the spot where Elsa peed the other morning. When I turned around after cleaning up that spot, I found she peed somewhere else.

Sunday, April 7, 2024

I had a terrible night. I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to start the day. When I checked the time, it was 12:30 a.m. I spent the rest of the night in a light doze, haunted by sadness and disappointment. I really have very little to complain about.

Today, I played the gentle yoga video on YouTube but didn’t make all the moves. I preferred to err on the side of caution until my back pain cleared up. I did complete 4,000+ steps on my morning walk with Elsa. I ran into Dean and Nina, who updated me on their new baby chicks.

They ordered 17 baby chicks by mail. Only ten survived. Dean thinks they died because they were kept at the Minneapolis airport for two nights instead of being shipped out immediately.

I had a good time in church, falling into a delicious sleep every now and then. This happens when I meditate, too. I went to Petco after church to change my appointment for Elsa’s grooming -again. I changed it from Monday to Wednesday to attend the Chi Qigong class at the Ole A(the old airport) park on Monday between 8 and 8:45 a.m.

I’ve been watching This Is Us on Netflix. I got up to Season 3 Episode 3 before I got worn out. Is the show a serial frustrater like Lost was? I hope they conclude it with a resolution instead of leaving us in suspension. We need a coda. Real life leaves us in suspense. My niece Shivani said one of the benefits of reading is escape. I have never been able to use it that way. I suspect I never felt safe enough in my childhood home to take my eye off my immediate environment. No, I was not physically attacked- never, but the verbal attacks were loud and percussive. I consider my inability to find comfort in books a loss.

Thursday, May 28, 2026

Saturday, April 6, 2024

Today was my last Gokhale Foundations course class with Lisa in Havi. I was concerned; my stomach had been upset for days. As I loaded the car with the three pillows, yoga mat and food I would need for the trip, Yvette entered the driveway, returning from her morning walk with Little. She said she was returning the bottle of 5-HPT I gave her. She read it caused stomach problems.

My doctor had recommended it as a substitute for Lexapro. While the drug blocks serotonin uptake, the herbal supplement helps the body produce serotonin. It sounded good to me. It was having a positive effect on my emotional state. I had attributed the stomach problems to postural changes causing a release of stored toxins. When I checked the internet, I got the low-down on the negative side effects. While the stomach issue was listed as a problem, there was also a solution. Take a low dose of 5-HPT after a good-sized meal with plenty of water. I took a pill first thing in the morning with a sip of water. I planned to take my next pill after I had dinner. In the meantime, it cleaned me out.

I didn’t do my gentle seated yoga this morning. I hadn’t done it for two days. My back, right behind the left armpit, was killing me. I didn’t know what I had done to myself, but I wasn’t going to continue the exercises until I knew whether this pain might be permanent or not.

The drive to Hawi was gorgeous, as usual. There was only one other student in the class besides me today. Lucas, our third student, would be away for three weeks. The other student was an older Japanese lady. Very sweet. She always brought treats for the rest of us. I learned today that she had been her husband‘s caretaker for several years. I didn’t ask what his problem was, but it did involve physical strength to move him. She was taking the course to help her with her tasks.

I got a nap in while Lisa worked with the lovely Japanese lady, reviewing all we learned and taking the ‘after’ pictures to compare to the ‘before’ ones. Lisa did a great job teaching the course. She was very responsive to the students.

It finally occurred to me to use a heating pad on the sore muscles.

It worked like a charm, where massage and Tylenol had failed. The good news was that the relief confirmed that my midback ache resulted from pushing my shoulders back. Lisa confirmed that’s where it commonly hurts when you’re doing/overdoing the right thing.

Friday, April 5, 2024

The backache, which has had its moments, went full-on yesterday. I woke up this morning with a full-blown backache. I hadn’t had one of these since 2003 when I had my rotator cuff surgery, which stabilized my shoulder and removed all the stress from my neck. However, this one is not where it used to be in my lower back. No, this one is at my bra line on the left side.

It is probably caused by all the changes I’m making. I didn’t have a backache before I started making all the changes to my body recommended by Gokhale. Of course, I’ve gone somewhat beyond her recommendations. I worked on stretching my spine, realigning my hips and shoulders, and correcting my spinal curvature. KC, my physical therapist, warned me that correcting my curvature could cause me problems. My posture had worn down bones and straightening it out could cause me pain.

Nonetheless, I can now feel my whole lower back making contact with the floor when I lie down with my knees bent. I never knew my back didn’t contact the floor until I felt it doing so recently.

The pain was bad enough for me to take a Tylenol—it had to be bad for me to do that. The pain interfered with my editing. I couldn’t concentrate. I napped. When I got up, I went on a shopping spree.

My first stop was Home Depot. I needed a hammer. I had one; it disappeared. I just need a small one to hammer copper nails into trees to kill them. It takes time, but it does the job. I also bought a pickaxe. Digging a hole in the ground here is a job in a half. I wanted a short-handled small one. HD only had long-handled ones. I took one. When I got home, I checked on Amazon for a short-handled smaller one. I ordered it. I’ll keep the longer one for when I hire someone to plant the Hawaiian hibiscus shrubs where the Ficus trees used to be. I also picked up a container of Stump-Out to kill the stump once Dan cut down the Schefflera tree, tearing up my driveway.

I went to Costco next. It was 10:30. They’d only been open for half an hour, and it was mobbed. Judy says more people are shopping there because grocery store prices have soared. They’re clearly higher, but does that account for the dramatic leap in customers?

Thursday, April 4, 2024

I saw a dark spot on the lanai carpet in the dark when I got up at 5 a.m. I hoped it was a shadow, but no. Elsa had peed on the carpet. She hadn’t done that in a while. Why was she starting it again? I have seen her go out the doggie door independently, but I have to give her the sink-eye and order her out. I think she hates how the flap feels when she pushes it open.

I did more weeding in the mulched area where the Ficus trees were extracted. Only a few more were coming up from seeds. The soil was still wet from the rain, and they were easy to pull out by the roots.

I got the lawnmower out and mowed the strip of grass along the street. I also mowed the neighbor’s strip in front of their empty lot. Darby loves the way the groomed strip looks. She can see it from her driveway.

Yesterday, when I called the extension center, they couldn’t tell me if there were any long-term effects of using boiling water to weed. I called the master gardeners who work for the extension. I was told with complete confidence that boiling water would not do any long-term damage to the soil. Yes, it would knock out some microbes, but they would be replenished within two days.

Today was a Ulu Wini day. I worked with four children. Fourth-grade BE has good word recognition skills. We worked on comprehension. She was missing the before/after concept with time.

I had met with 1st grade J once before. We worked on memory problems then, We continued with that today using the first 25 words of the Fry Sight Word List. She was still struggling.

When I worked with third-grade AR, I got a nasty surprise. I hadn’t worked with her in a while. Last week, she joined a group of girls as we worked on comprehension of The Hatchet. She was easily distracted. I guessed she had trouble understanding the complex language and planned to work with her on compression. What I discovered today was a big surprise. Her English is very limited. I should find out when she moved here from the Marshal Islands. This information will help me determine how much of her problem is caused by a lack of exposure to English versus an auditory processing problem. I also discovered her word recognition skills were poor. I did manage to take her through the WbyW process with some of the sentences. It should be interesting to see if it impacted her understanding of what people say.

The Marshal Islands comprise 29 coral atolls and five islands with a population of 70,000. There are islands with only a few people living on them. There is no need for complex language structures and an extensive vocabulary. You know everything there is to know by the time you’re five. Language is formulaic. These people aren’t linguistically limited because they’re stupid; there is no need for complex language. To say they’re like a fish out of water here in the States would be an understatement. I grieve with them for the loss of their simple life. Loneliness and despair are diseases of the industrialized nations. Yes, we are more ‘advanced.’ I put that in quotes because our destruction is built into our advancement. We may live longer, but we’re not happier or more fulfilled. We‘ve turned ourselves into zoo animals, living lives sheltered from physical danger in worlds we are unsuited for.

I worked with third-grade BR for the first time. She read slowly.

i concluded she was consciously decoding every word. I showed her how to use her automatic system. She proved to be an excellent student. She got to work practicing on her own in the session. So far, she is the only student who initiated intentional learning. She should go far in the educational system. Hopefully, the world won’t disappoint her.

Wednesday, May 27, 2026

Wednesday, April 3, 2024

I was up by 4 a.m. and called the company holding the warranty on my failing solar panels. They had received my email. Phew! Done. That was a relief. The sixty days had expired. They told me the document I sent recently wasn’t what they were waiting for. They got the one I had sent in February. They had sent another one with an offer.

When I checked, there was no email. They sent another one. The offer is for 77% of what I paid. That might cover the repairs. The sales rep at Provision Solar gave me an estimate for a completely new system with 400-watt panels instead of the 300-watt ones I have now. I wouldn’t have more energy with the updated system, which would cost considerably more. It took a while to get the estimate for the 400-watt panels from the company’s sales representative. He’s a young kid who probably doesn’t know what he’s doing. At least a month ago, I asked him for an estimate on the work on the 300-watt system. I had Hawaiian Solar send him the picture of the panels, marking the ones that had already been replaced, which seemed good.

I ran into Dean and Nina on my morning walk. They were expecting a package with 24 baby chicks. Dean already had a small flock of cage chickens that were delivering eggs, but he wanted another flock that would range wild on his property. He ordered two breeds of chickens. They were supposed to arrive today, but they had been held over in the Minneapolis airport for two nights instead of one.

I also ran into Elaine. She told me she was preparing a lasagna in anticipation of her son’s visit. He loved her lasagna. I told her to save me a slice. I was joking, but I’m always open to food offerings. Mike was the cook in the family. I had forty-five years free from that drudgery.

When Mike went to DC during the school year when he got his second Ph., my mom said, “Make sure you leave her food.” At the time, I thought she was concerned about me. I finally realized she knew I would be at her door asking for food. Ha! Jha!

I gathered more fronds for Darby. I filled up the trash barrel and rolled the trash barrel down the street to her house. When I come down her driveway, delivering the trash barrel, I yell, “Delivery!!”

I went to Ulu Wini this afternoon. I worked with third-grade SE. Oh, dear. He has no memory and poor phonics. I didn’t handle this session well. I pushed him beyond his ability level. He’s a runner to start out with, and then I pushed. He wasn’t with me. I know he can be. When I find his sweet spot, he’s transfixed.

I also worked with first-grade K. He’s progressed somewhat in memorizing the sight word list he worked on. Now he’s got the first 50 words under his belt. He used the memorization procedure I taught him more. Still, it wasn’t coming easily. I worked with his sister, second-grade CH. She is light years ahead of him. Thank God she isn’t his younger sister.

Judy has chronic back problems because she had a cyst removed from her spine. She’s good for most of the time, but it can get bad under certain circumstances.

Tuesday, April 2, 2024

I met with first-grade B again today. I planned to work on her psychological need to have everything her way. We all want everything our way, all of us. Adapting to life’s realities is the key to a successful life, one with any contentment. After thinking about it for a good part of the day, I approached the problem as an issue of attention instead of self-centeredness. I used the slow, thick line method. I started by asking her how she felt when she had to pay attention to the letters. She said, “Bad.”

I developed the slow line method with a boy with emotional problems who had trouble paying attention. It came to me as many solutions come to me- out of the blue. I told him to follow the line I drew as I moved my pen across the paper. I moved the pen slowly and erratically across the paper. I didn’t know where the line was going to go. I followed my impulse. Miraculously, many of the boy’s emotional and attention problems cleared up. I asked him if his mother saw the difference. He said, “Yes.’ I asked him what she said. “Holy cow!” I’ve used the slow-line method with other students to teach letter formation and drill sight words.

First-grade B did a good job following the line. I asked her if she found it interesting. Yes. I said that’s what you do as you read the letters; you wonder what the next one will be. I had her reading third-grade material from a Barnell-Loft book. I chose that because she had read all the first-grade material I had in school. She remembered the stories and rewrote it rather than words on the page. On the unfamiliar third-grade material, she had to concentrate. She did very well until the end of the session. I think she was tired and lapsed back into a less focused mode. That confirmed she had a problem with attention more than reading.

Monday, April 1, 2024

Darby called to tell me they had a dilemma. Remembering how efficiently I responded to the three lost French bulldogs she found in her garden, she called to tell me they had an unidentified sheep. Did I know anyone who owned one? I couldn’t think of anyone at the time. But of course, my next-door neighbor had a lamb. I didn’t think of them because Darby knew about their lamb as well as I did. Then I heard Patrick count, “ One, two, three. . ., and then both of them say, “April Fools!” no one has treated me to an April Fool’s joke forever.

I planned to attend the Chi Gi Gong class on the beach that Alison and Gail had told me about. Because it was something new, I was hesitant. I had excuses. I got up too late to attend on time; I didn’t want to go until I had eaten something; I hadn’t gone to the bathroom. At eight-twenty, I forced myself to drive down there and at least get my feet wet. I would know where it was and get a feel of the group. I was so glad it did.

I found them quickly. Once I had driven through the gate to the Ole A (The old airport) park, I saw a group up on the rise heading to the beach. I climbed up and was treated to this fantastic view of the ocean and the bay. I gasped.

I saw Gail in the circle with her back to me. I crept up behind her and put my arms around her waist. She looked at me and smiled. I joined in what turned out to be the closing exercises of the class. When it was over, Alison came over to greet me, too.

She introduced me to the couple who led the class and a man named Clyde, who would take over the instruction when the couple left for Colorado for the summer at the end of April. I was definitely going to join this group.

Gail proposed we all walk on the pathway. I had heard about the walkway at Ole A. I imagined it to be a small sandy path parallel to the waterfront. Nothing close. It was a half-mile, six-foot-wide paved circular road with tended gardens on either side. I had to leave because I had a ten a.m. class with twenty-six-year-old S.

I made it home in time to eat something before the session. Again, S had done no work, arguing she had no time. I called her on it. She is home all day taking care of her three-year-old daughter. While childcare can be time-consuming, the girl goes to bed before her mom does. She can find two minutes before she goes to bed. Her progress would be much better if she did some work independently. I can hear she wants to avoid doing the work, but not that she has NO time. I know better.

I asked her if she thought of doing it during the day, and she said, “I’ll do something else first.” Does she really think I don’t know this trick? Who doesn’t use it? In one of the podcasts I’ve been listening to, I heard a psychologist recommend asking yourself what you’re feeling when you choose to avoid doing something and procrastinate. I encouraged her to do the same thing.

Given what S has been through, I can fully appreciate her fear of reading. Besides being a crystal meth baby, the doctors put her on Adderall at four which caused seizures. Seizures reset the brain. All learning is eliminated from working memory before being downloaded into long-term memory. She couldn’t learn. She was seen as stupid and perceived herself that way. She got off the Adderall just before she turned eighteen. Her teachers reported a dramatic difference. I find her a good learner even when she doesn’t make an effort. While she doesn’t sit down with the reading in hand and read it, she must be doing something because I see an improvement from one session to the next. She reads the story we’ve been working on better with each session.

Today, I pushed the envelope. I had S read a new story she hadn’t seen before. She had to rely on reading the words, not remembering the story. She saw the difference. Just thinking about the text helps. She may be doing nothing more than giving her mind permission to learn.

I went down into the yard to work on the weeds in the plot of land where the Ficus trees had been. The ones I had poured boiling water came up easily. I pulled up by hand whatever I could.

Earlier in the day, Yvette sent me something from the Internet saying how damaging boiling water could be for the land and how ineffective it could be for weeding. The site talked about making big pots of boiling water. Most sites I saw also spoke about adding salt to the water. The only solution they propose is hand weeding. Hand weeding 750 sq. ft. area is quite a challenge, particularly when you’re eighty-three doing all the work alone. Boiling water can kill off microbes in the soil, but can it cause long-term damage?

I don’t add salt or dump large pots of boiling water. I target each plant specifically and pull out what I can. I found that plants that came out with difficulty initially came out more easily the day after I shocked them with boiling water. Yvette recommended I get weed barrier fabric.

I continued watching This is Us on Netflix. This show is right up my alley. It is wonderful. It won many awards. That sounds right to me. When I spoke to Jean, my friend, I found out that I am one of the last to discover this series. Well, better late than never.

At 5 pm, I had first-grade B. She read he for has. She wasn’t paying attention to letters. I got a new lead on her problems. She likes to follow her thoughts rather than be affected by an external stimulus. I asked her mom if she was that way with her. Yes, she needs to do things her way. She needs her mom to give her all her attention. Given there are two other children, one just turned one last month, B is out of luck. I finally had a bead on her problem. Until now, I felt unsure of what I was doing with her. I couldn’t figure out why I felt that way. Now, I know. I wasn’t addressing the real problem. I don’t know if my conclusion is correct, but it gave me an angle to pursue. Whatever it is, it is more psychological than academic. She doesn’t have a problem with reading as much as her willingness to attend to the letters instead of her thoughts.

Tuesday, May 26, 2026

Sunday, Match 31, 2024

It was Easter Sunday. Went to church early. I was there by 8:45. The street leading to the church was jammed, but it is often high traffic. Ali’I Street runs along the waterfront and is the one the tourists get to see lined with restaurants and shops, it is the one tourists getting off cruise ships get to see. I assumed the church parking lot would be jammed, but no. When I pulled into the driveway, I saw the grassy area for the overflow parking was almost empty. I like to go around the church to approach the grass parking. Otherwise, I’d have to make a right turn. I’m not good a right turns. I continued to the back of the church, intending to go around. I discovered a good ten free parking spaces back there. What??!!

I sat in my usual spot on the south lanai. It was more crowded than usual but not to overflow. The pews were full; it was a good attendance. When it came time to exchange blessings with everyone, I turned around and got a good look at the parish center. The sliding glass doors which lined one side of the building were open and the center was full of people. Where did they all come from? Where did they all park?

Judy and Paulette had gone to the vigil Mass on Saturday night. Those two had gone to the three Tridium Services, not all are masses, on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. They were not at the Sunday morning one. There was no one I particularly wanted to talk to. I went to the cemetery to visit Mike’s grave. Sadly, I get very little from visiting the grave site. I saw the flowers Judy Shipley said she placed there.

The dancers from the Hulu ministry were lined up on the lanai ready to perform when I arrived. Judy Shipley came over to greet me. She said she visited Mike’s grave and left flowers. I found a small, sweet boutique of plastic flowers next to his head stone. Thank God someone attends to his grave.

The rest of the day was nothing. I didn’t have a single student today. Adolescent D was off-island for the weekend.

Saturday, March 30, 2024

Today is my grandnephew's fifth birthday. Happy Birthday, Sam! His mom, my niece Karin, watched Mike's funeral on live feed while in labor. I hope it distracted her.

I noticed some green coming up in the area where I had seven large Ficus trees extracted and 5 inches of mulch applied. I must wait seven or eight months for the mulch to do its thing and suffocate the remaining roots. Darby warned me that 'weeds' would sprout as the mulch cooled down. They were here. I went out to check.

These were not ordinary weeds. These growths were new Ficus trees coming up. I tried pulling them out by the roots. Some seemed to come out, but I'm not confident I got all the roots. Some of the shoots were already too deep to pull out. I got tools to help me dig them up. No luck! The mulch is hard to dig into. I tried the boiling water trick, pouring eight to ten carafes of boiling water on the weeds.

As I poured water on the lower edge of this area. I looked over the edge and saw four-foot Ficus trees coming up. I put out all this money, and the damn trees are busy making sure they survive.

I still don't have access to older versions of my Microsoft files. I lost 49 days of work. This isn't great, but it's not a tragedy. I'm thinking of people who worked on a novel or a thesis. Now, that's a tragedy! I checked if Microsoft had reinstated the old versions of the files I lost. I did check on 'version history.' It is all gone. The only version that is available for all dates is the 'current version' for all the previous dates. Ah, that was yesterday. Today, there are no previous versions listed.

I met with third-grade M today with plans to continue working on comprehension using Stuart Little. She was in a terrible mood, sullen, but I saw pain behind it. I read Stuart Little to her now. Her oral reading is fantastic. We don't have to do that anymore. She gets as much of that in as she needs in school. Her problem is with comprehension- or even more so, being able to clearly express her thoughts. When I ask additional questions, she always knows the answer. Why didn't she include those facts in her answer?

I asked her if she could visualize what I had just read. She said, "NO!" so abruptly I was left speechless. I sat in silence for several minutes, just praying. What was going on here? I told her I thought she looked sad. I might not be able to do anything to change things, but I could listen. I sat in more silence. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

At some point, I could continue. I read and interpreted what I read. Then, M pitched in. By the end of the session, she had pulled out of her slump literally as well as figuratively. Her analysis of what was going on in the story was spot on.

Friday, March 29, 2024

Hmmm! March 27th and 28th are missing, too.

I called Certainteed this morning at 4:30 a.m. Hawaii time, which was 10:30 a.m. EST. Certainteed is the warranty company covering the solar panels I bought from Hawaiian Solar in 2017. The batch of 35 panels was defective and failing one after another.

It took time for the company to replace them. The company decided to honor the warranty. The company would offer up to 90% of the original cost. I was worn out with the continuing breakdown of the existing panels and the slow replacement. It had been a while since I heard from them.

I called Beth at Hawaiian Solar. She contacted Certainteed. Certainteed emailed me to say I had to return a signed document to them. I had sent that document back to them. The other day, I sent it again by certified mail. I spoke with a colleague who was responsible for my case. He gave me his email address. It was my fourth attempt.

I ironed this morning. The ironing board has been sitting on the lanai since I ironed the linens for the church silent auction three weeks ago. The ones I ironed this morning had rust stains I thought would never come out. They did; all they needed was a washing and a time in the Hawaiian sun. They came out free of all stains.

Microsoft did it; it deleted 47 (forty-seven) days of file updates. Yep. Forty-seven days. I Googled missing Microsoft files and found a slew of people with a similar problem. Forty files were lost, and no previous files were available. On the version history, each one was the current one. Ow!

The good news was I used the time to do other chores. I washed the floors.

I only had a few students today. I had Mama K's twins at 8 a.m.

Twin A worked on reading Reading Roots story 23. We worked on reading speed, which her Sped teacher said she needed to work on. When she read to me earlier in the week, I intuited she was reading slowly because she was consciously decoding every word. I pushed her to use automatic processing: 'What does your mind say the word is?' After several readings, we could both see her rating rate increase, and she sounded so much better. She was reading with 'meaning.'

Twin E worked on reading the word lists. I hadn't seen either girl since the last weekend. Twin E sounded better. She said she had been working on this list in class. She almost mastered the first 1-100 words of the Fry Sight Word Lists, which puts her on the first-grade level. She is in fourth grade.

It was a Darby night. She brought over an Easter basket.

Gail joined us as we passed her house. She is so cute. She brings a joyful playfulness. She speaks about her days in a boarding school every time we walk. Her parents sent her there when she was twelve years old. She said she didn't ever get to know her parents. She made it sound like her parents sent her there because she started hanging out with the 'wrong kids.' But she recently told us she sent her younger brother off to military school at the same time.

When we got to our drive, Darby gave me a goodbye hug. She's as good a hugger as Paulette is, someone who hugs for the pleasure of it instead of as a cursory social gesture. Seeing us hug, Gail dove in for a hug of her own. I now have three good huggers in my life—oh, really, four. Let's not forget Elsa, who loves to wrap herself around my neck.

I've been chasing the smell of Elsa's pee. Where was it coming from? I vacuumed the spots on the lanai carpet where I could find them. I got on my hands and knees to check them; they didn't smell. I had put the four by six foot Chinese carpet left here by the previous owners out in the yard, hosed it down, and left it in the sun to dry. When I put my nose down there, I found the source of the smell. I was beginning to despair of getting rid of it short of ripping up the carpeting, underflooring, and starting from scratch. Then, I had to deal with the possibility of Elsa using the lanai again after I had done all that work.

I exposed the underside of the Chinese carpet to let the sun do its magic, cleansing everything it touches. I also sprayed the affected area with Febreze. Wow! What an improvement. I no longer smelled it every time I sat on the lanai. The smell was starting to depress me. Stale pee is not the best scent.

I had an appointment with Adolescent D at 3 p.m. He sounded like he was drowning. He was sick. No, he didn't think it was Covid. I asked him if he wanted to do the lesson. He said yes. He really wasn't up for it. He was running a fever.

He had canceled for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday because he went off the island to visit friends. I asked him where he went. He didn't know. He said it was the island after Maui. That's Oahu. But he didn't know where he had been on Oahu. I found that a remarkable lack of awareness of his surroundings for a sixteen-and-a-half-year-old boy. I guess he wasn't visiting friends alone but with his whole family. Still, it struck me as odd. Do I have unusual expectations of teenagers?

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

It looks like I skipped writing anything on March 25^th. Oh, well.

Today is the 68th anniversary of my dad's death. He died when I was fifteen. Long time no see, but I think of him. While for most of my dating life, I was drawn to people like my mom. (They say we are attracted to the people who are most like the parent we got along with the least.) When I decided I would date anyone who I didn't think would do me physical harm, Mike was my third date. He looked somewhat like my dad. He was an intellectual. He had had some downright weird similarities. My dad had two law degrees; Mike had two Ph.D.s. The first degree they got when they were young. Mike got his first Ph.D. in 1972. He started his second one in 1994, twenty years later, and completed work in 2004.

I don't know exactly when my dad completed his studies in Germany, but he got news that he passed the New York State Bar exam on June 13, 1945. Mike got his second degree to fulfill his dreams. My dad did it so he could work as a lawyer in this country. He had to get a second law degree. German law and American law are based on different systems. They both died at the same age as their mothers': my dad was 52, and Mike was 78. They had similar temperaments. They were both nervous men who had control over their behavior. They were both affectionate. They were both in-charge kind of guys. Mike was not paternalistic with me. We were equals, well, as much as we could both muster, given our backgrounds.

I did some stinking thinking this morning. I tried to curb it. I watched my mind return to the negative thoughts like a moth to a light. Huh? What do I get out of it? I really don't know. I do believe I wouldn't do it if I didn't get a perk.

I had a call from the account yesterday; my taxes for 2003 were done. For the first time in my life, I owed nothing to either the federal or state governments; they owed me. Wow! I felt guilty. I would contribute to the government coffers if I could be assured they were used to help the poor instead of the military. Who says there's no benefit to $30,000 in medical bills?

I had an appointment with twenty-six-year-old S. The flow of her reading was better than yesterday. Yesterday, I asked her if her mind's spinning was better, worse, or the same. In the previous session, she revealed she spoke slowly and took long pauses to prevent unintended words from coming out of her mouth. I chose not to do the spin-release exercise with her. I just told her to observe the movement in her mind. Today, I asked her if her mind had stopped giving her all those extra words. Yes. Holy Cow! I'm so glad I let her solve this on her own.

Judy called. She was on the road heading to the airport, hoping to find plumeria trees in bloom. She needed flowers for leis for Holy Thursday. On Sunday, the priest instructed everyone to bring one. It's too early in the season for the plumeria to be in bloom, so she will have to buy a lei.