Mike's death; Betty's life...

Sunday, June 14, 2026

Tuesday, April 30, 2024

I had a good night's sleep. I had no agitation, and I slept well until 4:30 a.m. When I saw Dean and Nina on my morning walk with Elsa, they updated me on the progress of their chickens. One is definitely a rooster. They wanted to have four of those guys with the rest hens. They expect a shipment of 18 baby chicks by the end of the week. Nine of them are replacements for the ones that died. The rest are a new order. They are going to have quite a flock.

It was an Ulu Wini day. When I arrived, they warned me it was 'store day.' I assumed they meant it was a day for free food distribution. I didn't understand why this would affect my work with the kids, but ok. It wasn't free food day; it was the day the kids could pick out toys. They built up points for service. Fifth-grade Rosemita had the most points. The kids were excited, but a number were anxious to work with me.

5th grade M was sitting at the table set up for my work when I arrived. She wanted to work with a group of her friends instead of alone. I understood her desire, but the needs of the children were too diverse to make that possible. As it wound up, I could have included at least one more girl in the class. I had M read a grade-level passage and then tell me what it was about. Oh, boy. Way off. She picked a few words from the passage, and that was it. I asked her if she visualized the meaning of the words as she read. No, of course not. There are many reasons for this; being unable to visualize was not one for her. When I asked her if she could visualize her room when her mom told her to clean it, she said yes. The kids work so hard to read the words and cope with the unfamiliar vocabulary and sentence structure that they have no brain power left to focus on the meaning.

The vocabulary and sentence structure are unfamiliar for two reasons. First, English is not their parent's native language. Second, they don't hear complex language, even in their parents' native language. They would need help understanding a unique complex sentence in their language, no less in English. I worked with her on visualizing the meaning of the words in the sentence. I can do that with at least two or three students at a time.

Next, I worked with 2nd grade TC. She reported a dramatic improvement in her reading. Whereas last time she read Reading Roots 11-13, today she read 26. The text is mostly one-syllable words with a lot of repetition. Her reading was much better. She didn't once guess a word based on its first letter. She took the time to decode each word and read at a fairly good clip. Did my work really make that difference? I know I'm good, but I'm even skeptical that the difference could be from something I did. Surely, the teachers at school continued to help her. My gift is to diagnose and address the problem's root cause.

The last time I worked with third-grade SP, he was so hyper I couldn't get anything done. He was much better today. He wanted to work on a story he had read before because he could rely on memory. I pushed decoding. He could retain the sound of a phoneme as he blended. His blending skills were good. He prefers not to decode because he can't read fluently.

I find third-grade LE challenging to work with. He's defensive to the point of hostile. He will be a troubled teen and trouble for everyone else. However, his word recognition is good at a low level. He read the material at a third-grade level reasonably well, if somewhat haltingly. When I asked him what he wanted to work on, he said reading louder. I had him read one of the stories from Reading Roots on a first-grade level. His reading was smooth and loud enough. I concluded that he mumbles when he reads to the teacher at grade level because he can't read smoothly, and he's covering for his lack. He doesn't have enough practice at grade level with multi-syllabic words. I hope he comes back so I can help him overcome this minor obstacle.

I was packing up to go home when I spotted second-grade MI. She's the one I've been helping with math. I called her over. She groaned but came. I reviewed the place values. The last time I worked with her, lining up numbers for addition on the vertical confused her. We solved this problem today. Maybe I'd better say we made substantial improvement. She asked me to give her another addition problem to identify the place value of all the numerals. Then, at the end of the session, she became confused again. I hope this doesn't turn her off completely. I discovered today that she didn't know how to use counting-on. I showed her how. She could do it immediately. She may forget it just as fast. We'll see.

MI has a problem similar to the one Adolescent D used to have; she blanks out and disappears into space. He did it so frequently that I thought he should be checked for epilepsy. He denied he was frightened. MI denies it, too. Neither can handle the discomfort of not knowing what the teacher is talking about. Well, the more they absent themselves, the further behind they fall, the worse they feel. What a dilemma.

I rediscovered Royal Pains on Netflix a week ago. I saw it a while ago. I thought it was pretty silly. It's a story about rich, beautiful people living in luxury. I needed something light to counterbalance my bad moods. I enjoyed it more with each episode rather than less. I love the addition of Paige's character and the relationship between Evan and her. They look like what I understand a loving couple to be. The medical stuff is almost silly. No matter the emergency, Hank always pulls the right equipment out of his bag for the occasion or McIvers a solution. I binge on the series when feeling low.

Monday, April 29, 2024

One hell of a night. God, I felt terrible. Grief. Fear. Over-all anxiety. I think this is what Mike felt all the time. That's why he risked his health with the above-prescribed norms of anti-anxiety medication. I was concerned about it. He said he would rather be dead than live with those feelings. I understand perfectly.

This is the way I felt after my father died in March of 1956 until I left my mother's house for college in September of 1958. I didn't have one good night's sleep. Fear dominated me. I had lost my protector.

You might ask why I took her into my home at the end of her life. Good question. I have good answers. I loved my mother. She was crazy but she allowed a select few to love her, my dad, my sister and me- and she was loveable the way a young child is loveable , regardless of what they do.

Shortly after Mike and I got together, I took time off from my relationship with my mom, aware that it might be a permanent separation. I wrote her a letter telling her I had been afraid of her all my life and had tried everything else. This was my last resort.

In that letter, I also told her I dreamed of a situation where I would live communally, and she would be living there, too. I saw her sitting on a slope with children running around her.

Several months after she received the letter, my mom called to tell me she forgave me for what I said in my letter. She was old and would see me again. See the problem? Zero concern for my thoughts and feelings. Zero. I told her I wasn't ready yet. That stung. But if I hadn't done that, taking her in the last 18 years of her life would have been out of the question. Mike would never have allowed it. I would never have allowed it.

Besides impressing upon her that I was an independent agent over which she didn't have control, I did something else. In my mind, I set a limit to how much criticism or insult I would tolerate. The number was three. If she exceeded the limit, I would make an excuse to leave with plans of coming back again. I learned this from my meditation retreats. The meditation leader would say, "Start again! Start again!"

The final piece, which may have been the most important, was how Mike dealt with her behavior. On our first visit to her home, when I introduced Mike to her, there was a determining incident. I needed to nap. I went up to my old bedroom to lie down. Mike, knowing exactly what my mom would do (tear me a new one for being rude), came up to the bedroom, pulled out the desk chair, turned it to face the head of the bed, sat in it, opened a book, and read. The message was clear. My mom didn't attack me when my dad was around, and she wouldn't with Mike there. At some level, she knew it was inappropriate. She was just too damaged to control her worst impulses. Having someone who made it clear he wouldn't accept her behavior protected me and her from her worst impulses.

I didn't do gentle yoga this morning because I planned to do Turtle Chi Qigong on the beach at Old A at 8 am. I spoke to Jean, my Hanai sister, and Carol, an old friend, during my morning walk. Jean told me of the first meeting of the political discussion group she organized with a similarly inclined next-door neighbor. Eight people showed up today. The decision was to table the Israeli/Gaza situation to avoid conflict. They would start with health care.

One of the attendees at the meeting was in the healthcare business and agreed to make a presentation. Two participants were journalists, one was a Nobel Prize winner, and the others all held advanced academic degrees. This high-end retirement community is right outside Princeton. Need I say more? I was thrilled this was working out. Hopefully, they won't fall into the spirit of the zeitgeist; my way is the only way, and I'm prepared to kill or die for it. What a nightmare world we're living in!

When I got home, I called the solar warranty company. Could I send in my agreement form via email? Yes. I signed it and sent it in. It will be a good deal. It will at least cover the replacement of the old system that hasn't been working too well. I got a batch of bad panels, and ten of the twenty-five already needed replacement. It's a great deal since the panels I will be getting will be a newer variety than the ones I originally installed and were replaced with similar ones. The old ones were 300-something; the newer ones were 400-something. There's only one company currently even making 300s. I'll get another good ten years out of the new babies.

I wasn't expecting the Qigong to be good. The man who had been leading it left for six months. He and his wife are snowbirds in Hawaii. The fellow who was going to lead it didn't look like he knew what he was doing and didn't do the moves particularly well. I had a wonderful time! He did different exercises than the previous leader. The woman beside him could help him when he ran into trouble. She could have led the class. We did a few movements and repeated them sixty-six times. It was wonderful. I could get into the movements.

I got a message from twenty-six-year-old S that she was sick and couldn't meet with me this morning. I got the message before I left the beach. I took advantage of the found time and sat at a picnic bench under a tree and watched the waves for an hour.

While I sat there, I called to make a same-day appointment with our beloved Dr. Reed. The woman is a fantastic doctor and person. She is so kind and loving. She's on reduced hours now because she wants to spend more time with her new baby. It was supposed to be a same-day appointment. When she had nothing available that day, I thought I would

have to call again on another day. No, the clerk gave me an appointment for Thursday morning at 8:20.

I went to Target next. I wanted to buy a loaf of Dave's bread and a cucumber. I checked out the sales on frozen food and wound up with a $42 bill. When I went to check out, I looked at each counter, looking for Judy, who works there starting this week. She's doing much better at this job than her job at Costco as a food demo worker. There, she had to stand in one spot with little movement. On the Target checkout line, she is in constant motion. At Costco, she had to woo people to try the wares. At Target, she just enjoys her contact with people as they checkout. This is wonderful.

I went home after Target and sat down to write the above. Writing helps me. It's not what I say; it's just putting thoughts into words. I enjoy the craft when I'm not avoiding it concerned, I will never find the words.

Sunday, April 28, 2024

Elsa doesn’t have lesions anymore. Since I started using Royal Canine Ultima instead of Science Diet, her skin has been golden. I don’t have to check her for lesions anymore. Now, I just hug her and pet her. I give her a good body rub with plenty of hugs and kisses. It’s good for me, and she seems to enjoy them.

I chose Saturday for my weekly application of the renewal lotion to my eyes. My God, this stuff really works. Someone said I looked ten years younger. The wrinkles under my eyes are much less, even if it does make the black lines more visible. The applicator works with a pumping motion. I pumped and pumped. Nothing. I thought, ”I got a dud. The applicator is empty.” But, just in case, I packed it into my purse to check with Paulette when I saw her at church.

When I saw her, I told her the problem. Before I got it out of my purse, she asked, “Did you take the lid off?” Lid??? What lid?? Sure enough. I had left it on. I had a good laugh. I see differences in my mental processing that I hadn’t when I was younger. I don’t consider as many options as I once did. I don’t consider the impact of an action beyond the immediate as much. When I do, my range is less. It’s weird. I’ve been someone who makes wild connections and considers the impact to the 10th degree. No more. Well, maybe just less.

While I sat there laughing, Monica came up to say hello. She asked why I was laughing. I told her. She told me her own story. When she was in her twenties, she had a funny experience. She was filling the gas tank on her parents’ new car. She was standing with the nozzle in the car. Another car that looked like her parents’ car pulled away. She panicked, thinking he was stealing her car. We both had a good laugh.

Third-grade M was in a weird space today. She participated, but she dialed in from a remote location. I would spend several minutes showing her a video to help her understand a vocabulary word without putting the visual image on Share, and she said nothing.

There was a reference to a ‘tug,’ meaning a tugboat. I figured M wouldn’t have any idea what one was. Again, she let me ramble on, showing videos and explaining what they do. Then she said she was on one. What??!! Her dad’s job has something to do with the port in Hilo. Of course, they use tugs to help bring the boats safely to the docks. She knew more about tugs than I did.

I had a session with Adolescent D. He chose coding over reading aloud. He did all the coding independently while I just observed. The only mistake he consistently makes is in identifying the Vowel-Consonant—e (VCe) pattern. He’ll split the base word into two syllables and identify the silent e as sounded.

I asked if I could use him as a reference if I advertised my tutoring service at his school. He said, “No, thank you.” I still have never seen his face on Zoom. He is the most hidden person I have ever met. Nah, I think I know some people who are just as bad. It’s just they have a better social face.

Tuesday, June 9, 2026

Saturday, April 27, 2024

When I saw Dean this morning, I asked if there were any big logs from the Shefflera. No, only skinny branches. The tree had been cut back before. That massive growth was all suckers. Dean only got skinny branches two buckets of twigs with leaves attached. We both thought they would be bigger branches. Instead of killing off the stump, Dean suggested cutting back each year. Have to clear the area around stump so I can walk safely, get to the stump and do what I can to kill it.

I picked up the empty trash can from Darby and reloaded it immediately. I think I’m caught up. First I had to get rid of all the fronds the gardener had dumped. Now I was working on all the fronds that have fallen since they were last here.

I spent time checking out all the skin care products I bought. I have to work out a schedule of application.

When I spoke to Jean, my friend in Arizona today, she complained about a killer headache. I offered to do healing on her. I started the pullouts at her forehead. This is the first time I have done a healing since my operations on my elbow and shoulder. The sensitivity in my left hand is reduced. I couldn’t feel the energy coming out. I thought I might be because of the numbness caused by nerve damage. Then I thought to do a release from the vertebrae just below her cervical spine. Bingo! I felt a lot of energy come out and her headache was gone. My hand was just fine. Now, that was fun.

The other day, when I offered Dan my cordless electric drill for drilling the holes in the freshly cut trees to apply the Stump Out to kill the remainder of the trees. I brought my recently purchase unused cordless drill to him. I said, “I can’t get the cord out.” He said that was the charger, not the battery. I concluded they hadn’t put a battery in the package. Okay, I found the battery sitting on my counter. Duh! I expected the charger to hold the battery and didn’t recognize the charger was that little thing I plugged into it. If it had been just a cord I would have been okay. I had a good laugh.

Yvette wasn’t up for a walk this evening. She wasn’t feeling well. She suspected food poisoning. On that note: I popped a frozen dinner in the microwave then opened the frig looking for a kombucha. There I saw the fresh poke I bought at Costco on Thursday. When I opened it, the smell told me it wasn’t so fresh anymore. It was a $21 impulse buy. I knew I couldn’t eat all of it in one sitting. I figured I’d eat in over a few days and then forgot about it. I risked eating some of it. While I did, I wondered if I would be down with food poisoning. I was just too cheap to throw it out immediately. I did throw out after I ate a bit. It wasn’t going to be in better shape the next day.

Friday, April 26, 2024

Paulette and I had 11 o'clock appointments for infrared treatments at the Truffoire shop. The treatments were a free gift with our purchase of the products we bought last week. Paulette was just getting the facial, and I was getting the full body treatment plus the facial. The infrared treatment might help my recovery from my two surgeries on my left shoulder and elbow and the damage I did to my right arm when the heavy lawnmower pinned my arm to the gate as I brought it up for storage.

The machine was a sauna and an infrared machine. Instead of wearing a bathing suit, I went in with just my underpants on. The guy who took us through the process opened the machine to make some adjustments. I couldn't have cared less. When I was younger, I had nothing to hide. I had a fantastic figure. I think everyone thought I felt so free because I had a good body. Nay! I feel the same about my eighty-three-year-old body.

When the sauna/infrared treatment was finished, I got a facial. Giovani didn't give me the same treatment as Paulette because I wasn't concerned about wrinkles. He dgave her a natural collagen treatment. On me, he did the golden mask. He literally put a golden mask over my face. When it came off, Paulette was impressed.

The salesman offered us two years of supplies for $200 a month. Let's get this straight; I do a minimal amount to maintain my good looks. I bought into the program, which includes a monthly facial and refills on all the products.

Besides the six creams and lotions, I got a Jupiter space touch, the science of light, with red and blue light. The salesman commented the blue light would be good for my eczema. What?? He said I had an unusual amount of flaking skin. I had noticed it already. My skin used to be smooth. My hands still felt that way, but parts of my face, legs, and arms had rough patches. Once or twice a week, I rubbed my face, arms, and legs with Scotch-Brite non-scratch blue cleaning pads.

Giovani said the eczema is inherited. My mom's side of the family had fantastic skin. I have some of her qualities. I don't get those small wrinkles, only the deep ones. While I look good, I only look five to ten years younger than I am. When I was sixty-six, an esthetician told me my skin was dry for my age. I asked her how old she thought I was. She said forty-six. I delighted in telling her she was off by twenty years. The gap has narrowed. It will get smaller as I get older.

My paternal grandfather had good skin. My dad and his brother had acne when they were young. I did, too. My uncle had full-blown psoriasis. When my acne was over and done with in my twenties, a different type of skin eruption developed. The doctor told me I had that instead of psoriasis. So this is the second time I have been told I have some genetic skin condition. Giovani told me the problem would get worse as I got older and that blue light treatment would help.

Paulette and I had lunch afterward, as we had last week. I liked the looks of a nearby restaurant, the Kona Canoe Club. It had a great view of the water. We got one order of nachos between us. It was plenty.

I did not do reading work with Adolescent D today. He has a terrible self-destructive attitude about himself and his relationship to praise. He had problems correctly estimating his skill level. Somewhere around the two-year mark, he insisted he always could read as well as he did then. I asked if he always read that well, why didn't he? He was stumped by that question. He said, "I don't know."

D's latest issue concerns the big deal everyone is making about his poem. He feels humiliated because he's being praised for something easy to do. It is good enough that I suspected he plagiarized it off the internet. I checked. There was nothing like it. Then I concluded he used AI to help him write it. When I said that today, he took offense. "I didn't cheat!" Wow! This is the first challenging written assignment he has handed in. He is furious that everyone is making a big fuss about it. "It was easy." If it was easy, why don't you always hand in your homework? He said he was forced to complete this assignment because he had to read it out loud to his peers. I reminded him that didn't stop him before.

He had an assignment in a video class to interview someone. He announced he wouldn't do it because he had no ideas. He told me he didn't want to do it because he didn't want to be weird. How do you think telling the teacher, "No thanks," to an assignment looked?" This is a bright child. I don't think he is psychotic. Although some of the things he does makes me wonder.

He is hypersensitive to the expectations of others. His mother bought him a copy of the driver's manual so he could study for the test to get his permit. She walked into the room while he was reading it and expressed pleasure. His dad walked in just behind and also expressed pleasure. D said, "Now, you've spoiled everything," put down the manual, and never picked it up again.

Today, I drew a Venn Diagram for him. There's always an overlap in the space between what people want things for you or from you and what you want for yourself. You have to keep your focus on what you want. I asked him if he was oppositional. Some people will say no to anything anyone else suggests. Do you want to go to the beach? The answer is no, whether they do or do not. Someone else suggested it; therefore, it's out of the question.

I heard a remarkable idea on a podcast: when making a decision, choose your regret. You will always sacrifice something with each decision you make, and there will always be a possible regret. Choose your regret. There are things I have left undone. I have some regrets, but they don't haunt me.

Dan applied Stump Out to the tree stumps after cutting two trees down. He said I had to add hot water to the powder to activate it. After applying it, he said it only needed water and was about to rain. I went down to double-check. While the holes he drilled were good-sized, the powder wasn't in the holes. He just sprinkled it in the area of holes. I added hot water to what was there, but I must redo it.

Darby told me you must add killing chemicals to trees within seconds of cutting the fibers. They close up that quickly. I will have to redrill the holes, ensure the powder is in them, and add the water. To be in a position to do all that work, I will have to clear the area around the Schefflera. Dan left a lot of the branches. It is a treacherous climb.

Thursday, April 25, 2024

After that ball-buster of a 24-hour bout with deep grief Wednesday night, I slept well last night. I went to bed late because I had slept so much of the day. Grief is exhausting. I did wake up in the middle of the night. I looked like it would be a struggle to fall back asleep. I checked for the Tapping App, which has been helpful in the past. It said I had to pay. I purchased a year's subscription some time ago but didn't think it had expired. I did fall asleep again, but it wasn't restful. I slept in late.

When I got up, I immediately walked without doing yoga. When I turned out of the driveway, I saw Dean and Nina coming down the street. From how Dean held his right arm, I figured he was carrying a carton of eggs for me. He said one of the eggs had been laid early this morning. How's that for fresh eggs? Also, I get them for free.

Dean said the new crop of chicks he bought were old enough to be off the heating element and about ready to be transferred to the temporary coop at the bottom of the property. When they got older, they would roam free. Dean will provide some supplemental food and make sure water is always available. Dean brought the eggs into the house and put them on my kitchen counter. He also helped load an old printer into my car trunk. Then, they turned around and headed home at a good clip. Nina would be late for work if they didn't hurry.

I made sure to walk past their place this morning. Dean planned to lay out the logs from the tree Dan took down from my property along the edge of his property to block water flow and prevent further soil degradation. I was surprised to see thin branches. There had to be some thick pieces of trunk, but I saw no evidence. The tree was huge. I'll inquire tomorrow.

Dan took out the palm that planted itself and grew to block a significant part of my view. Dan charged me three hundred for two hours. I know he wasn't looking forward to taking out that dirty tree. The dead fronds clung to the side of the trunk, making a perfect habitat for the rats. He planned to just fell the tree but wound up breaking up the trunk and pushing it to a corner of the property. It will break down over time, making great soil.

I stopped at the electronic recycling center to deliver my broken printer and ancient TV set. I tried to stream a movie on the TV set. Forget it! Mike and I brought the TV with us from Ohio when we moved to Hawaii in 2015. It served us well until he died. Now, its use has expired. Finding the recycling center was a challenge. The directions were accurate, but they were just not specific enough. The center was a trailer in an empty lot. The folks who collected the items were lovely. They asked me for some money for the nonrenewable batteries because they had to pay for the recycling. It was a donation instead of a fixed fee. I gave them $6. You'd think I'd handed them a fortune. I had no idea how much to give. It made them happy; it made me happy.

I only worked with two kids today: second-grade TC and fifth-grade RN. TC reported a big improvement in her reading. I taught her to look for the syllable pattern, the V, and any possible letters after it. She read selections 11-15 accurately. She said she was up to Reading Roots 37 with the other tutors. I can't imagine she read any of it accurately. I wonder if the adults working with her are seeing an improvement.

With RN, I started on automatic recall. The boy is in 5th grade and still couldn't recognize the first 25 words in the Fry Sight Word list. I introduced Fernald's VAKT as a method for memorizing words. I had him write the words. OMG! He had no control over his hand during the process. I started with him following my motions as he observed them on the computer screen. He began his letters at the bottom rather than the top. Not a good sign. I had him move his closed fist across the page to get the movement. I moved his arm. It was locked. He managed to relax somewhat. I put a pencil in that hand. I guided his hand while he wrote his name. Then, I had him write it on his own. He did a pretty good job. I wasn't counting on him trying to write how I taught him. Handwriting is important because it connects neurologically to other academic processes.

Last night, I looked up product information on how the product works. It reduces puffiness and wrinkles beautifully. It's not a scam. But the saleswoman sold up $2400 worth of products for $300 to hook us. When we run out, we will have to pay full price. I was concerned about Paulette. When I discovered the reduction in the wrinkles around my eyes exposed the dark circles hidden behind the wrinkles, I laughed. When Paulette got a better view of the wrinkles to the side of her eyes when the puffiness was reduced, she was upset. I' 'm not that invested in my good looks. I don't think I ever had any in the first place. I had a good figure, excellent, in fact. That's gone now, too. I'm not even upset about that.

Until I met Mike, my great figure was a curse as well as a gift. Men were attracted to me because of it. Mike was the first man who wanted me for what I wanted to be wanted for. The great body was a bonus. The silly man complained when my shape slipped away in my late sixties. Really ??!! He complained I had a belly. I pointed out he had one, too. He said he had one when I met him. I didn't when he met me. While he was disappointed he didn't have a contest winner of a wife anymore, he didn't stop loving me. Boy, do I miss him!

Wednesday, April 24, 2024

I had a very, very bad night's sleep. I woke up at two, and that was it for the night. I had a bad bout of grief. It would help if I could cry easily. Unfortunately, I'm too well-trained to do that easily. When I do relax and let it happen, it's intense. Friends have told me my sobs sound like laughter. I'm not laughing. The tears finally came once midmorning.

Dan came over to cut down the Schefflera tree breaking up my driveway. I walked down to the bottom of the property to show him the other tree I wanted cut down. We took Elsa with us. Elsa wasn't with us as we came up to the fence to leave the lower area. That had never happened before. Dan and I ran around calling her name. Nothing. Finally, Yvette called out. She had let her into her house. I figured she wouldn't do that because Elsa, excited by the hospitality, leaves a hostess gift- an unwanted one.

Dean arrived by bike as Elsa, and I walked back into the house. Dan was going to take the cut logs over to Dean's house. Dean would use them to divert the rain so it didn't flood his property. It was a neighborhood effort. Dan didn't have the time to take on the second tree. He also felt he would need his extractor to do the job. That meant caring about Little again. The job, including the delivery to Dean's house, took less than two hours.

I had an appointment with Shelly. I worked on the grief. How do you deal with debilitating, painful bouts of grief? No easy solution came to mind. You have to go through it. Around it is not a good option.

I met with Adolescent D at 4. I had him read a very simple story. He made all sorts of errors because he made assumptions using just the first letter of the word and the context of the story. I told him he had to take charge of his mind. He should give his mind instructions before he starts reading, "Pay attention to the letters."

I looked up information on Truffoire products. I found a site praising the product, but nothing that sounded like an independent evaluation. Then, I found a site that said it was a good product but vastly overpriced and recommended another brand. When I checked their pricing, it wasn't great either. The Truffoire products are all-natural, with no chemicals. That's what makes them pricy. Buying the products was an indulgence, even at dramatically reduced prices

Tuesday, April 23, 2024

I had a bone density test at 7:45 am in town. The tech measured my height. I was 5 2 ½ inches. I was measured at Kaiser about a month and a half ago when Esther evaluated my posture. i measured 5'3 ". I have since completed the group sessions with Lisa. I lost ½ an inch. Esther said I would gain height with her method. I can accept that I didn't gain height, but I find it unlikely that I lost half an inch in that period. When I got home, I took a nap. Why was I so tired?

When I met with twenty-six-year-old S, I had her read a story she hadn't read before. I want to push accuracy in reading. The objective would be better served by reading unfamiliar material. She still won't do cross-body blending, but I think she pictures it when she gets stuck. She is very resistant. I told her she already knew everything she had to learn about reading. Now, she has to force her brain to use the knowledge. My job is to coach her in this process and ensure she reads words accurately instead of sliding over them, only using the word's first letter.

I continued with the syllable classification work with Adolescent D. I wondered if the activity was improving his reading, so I planned to have him read the text instead of coding in our next session.

In the book The Chimp Paradox, Steve Peters discusses how the 'chimp' doesn't represent who we are. The chimp brain is invested in our survival and egos as it is connected, rightly or wrongly, with our survival. We should identify only with our conscious, rational minds. I suppose this will help someone be more objective about those impulses generated by the 'chimp' part of our brains, but wow. The author, Steve Peters, does say we are responsible for the behavior dictated by our chimp brain. Still, he repeatedly says that when we act badly, it is not us. Our bad behavior doesn't define us. Here's the big question: if our bad behavior doesn't define us, why should our good behavior define us? I heard in a lecture at Princeton University that even serial killers will say they are no bad people; they have only done some bad things. Really?!! At what point do we say people are dangerous for others- may be bad.

The human tendency is for people to see bad behavior in themselves and their peers as the exception and bad behavior in 'others' as the norm. It is called prejudice when it happens between social groups. When it manifests in close relationships, it is equally destructive. You have one partner seeing their faults as minor and those same faults in others as serious. They may see they did something offensive to the other but accuse the other of unreasonableness. At the same time, they remain hypersensitive to any infringement of their values and needs.

Those who advocate, as Peters does, argue that there are no bad people, only bad deeds. At Princeton University, I heard a speaker say that serial killers claim they aren't bad people; they've only done some bad things. Really?!!! While we all do bad things, at what point can we reasonably say someone is actually bad or, for that matter, good?

Criticizing someone's character in interpersonal relationships is generally not a good idea. All relationship counselors will tell you criticizing someone's character rather than their behavior is a relationship terminator. It should only be pulled out when there is actual abuse. If you're in a relationship with someone who can never hear they have done something displeasing or hurtful, run like hell. My mom was like that when I was a child. The person responds at a physical survival level. Something happened to them before the age of four, if not younger, to lock them into that mode. My mother was that way.

My mom changed a bit when she got older. She wanted to be a better person. When she was young, she was drowning in fear and struggling for survival. Sad, but potentially lethal non the less. When she lived with me at the end of her life, she told me the one thing she regretted was that my dad never got to see her grow up.

Monday, April 22, 2024

I skipped seated yoga because of the 8 am Chi Qigong on the beach at Old A. I would be exhausted if I did both. It was not as windy as last week, but the sun was stronger. I wanted to move out of the circle into the shade because the sun was cooking my calves. I stayed put because I didn't want to be disruptive. The leader's wife made the move out of the sun. She stood behind the leader in the shade. I moved immediately to stand beside her. Next week, I would check out the sun situation, ensuring everyone who wanted to be out of the sun was.

I get something out of the Chi Qigong, but the real treat is standing on the bluff overlooking the ocean. The beach is not suitable for swimming. The shore is lined with large, large table-sized lava boulders worn smooth by the waves. They look like large turtles enjoying the sun and surf. After the session, I sat at a nearby picnic bench, soaking in the view. I had to leave because I had things to do. I didn't have to be home by ten. Twenty-six-year-old S's mother had sent me a text saying she had a dental appointment.

My first stop was at Ace Hardware. Last night, I discovered the charging cord for my Surface Pro was damaged and not working. The wire just above the plug was exposed and torn. I switched off the multiple plug outlets before pulling out the plug. I watched a video on how to replace a plug. It didn't look that hard. I found what I needed at the hardware store.

Then, I went to the bank to cash the check. I asked to have the whole amount in five-dollar bills. I'm ready with small bills in case everything goes to hell. We will have some options, even though the money won't last long.

I went to KTA next. I just found out where it was when Judy and Paulette took me there after church one day. I had always heard it was in the shopping strip across from the bank but never saw a sign. I was looking for something prominent above the door. No, the sign was undistinguished on the side of the building, shaded by the overhang. Because of its convenience, I went there and picked up some kiwis. I had a craving for a fruit pastry. They had some small apple thingies. I got a box of those.

Since I didn't have an appointment at 10, I stayed in town for my 11 am appointment with Lex Brodie for my car inspection. I went to the church to sit on the south lanai and work on my updates. I saw Vicki there manning the church gift shop. Tourists wander in and buy stuff. I asked her if she had a key to the bathroom. It's kept locked because of the homeless. Sadly, they aren't welcome because they leave the bathroom a mess.

Fr. Lio walked by and greeted me. Last week, I saw him working on the grounds. The man is amazing. I thanked him for his dedication to the church. He is an inspiration for the whole community. He throws himself into anything to do with the church with both feet and every hand he has available. He personally dug Mike's grave with another man. Now, the other man's intended grave for himself and his wife was right next to ours. They dug one hole large enough for two graves. No, the finished product does not make it look like we're all buried together. They are two separate graves. Mike's safely in the ground; my grave marker is there, ready when the time arrives.

When I returned from the bathroom, Vicki and I chatted. She had just lost her job as a chaplain at the hospital. She was let go because of expenses. She was working on training volunteers to take her place. She was planning to retire in October. The firing happened just a few months earlier. It still stung, especially since she was told on Good Friday.

I don't know how the subject of Mike came up. Vicki knew him quite well. Mike was much loved and people still talk about him with great affection. I talked about our relationship which reduced me to tears. I didn't feel comfortable or sufficiently overcome to outright ball. It gets pretty intense when I do. I've been told it sounds like I'm laughing, deep belly laughs. I chose to weep quietly. Vicki came and knelt by my side.

I wrote before my alarm went off and it was time to go to Lex Brodie's. When I looked for my registration and insurance card in the glove compartment before entering, I found the registration. I discovered I had no current insurance card. They could only check me in once they had both documents in hand. I went through the same procedure I had last year. I called Geico and got them to email one to the clerk. While Lex Brodie only makes appointments on the hour, the inspection was done in less than half an hour.

When I checked my phone for text messages, I saw one from twenty-six-year-old S's mom. Was I okay? I missed our appointment this morning. That message about the dental appointment was an old one. When I got home, I went down for a nap.

I had the Twins at 3:30. In our last meeting, Twin A revealed her sadness about her reading problem. She said it had been aware of the sadness since she was five. It showed an order of self-awareness I hadn't suspected she was capable of. I acknowledged her sadness. I knew ir would be triggered by her attempts to read. It's an irony. Those feelings interfere with the learning, preventing her from overcoming the problem that causes the pain. Her main problem is reading accuracy. The school Spec teacher said she needed more work on phonics. But that's not the case. The problem is just using the words on the page.

Poor readers habitually guess a word based on the first letter and perhaps one more somewhere in the word. Whenever I told Twn A she had misread a word, she could slow down and figure it out. She didn't need additional lessons on phonics.

Today, she did a remarkable job. She read every word accurately. I could feel her focus shift. You can feel poor readers skim the surface of the page instead of digging up all the letters. The difference in focus reminds me of the difference between a boat that skims the surface and one with a keel. It is impossible to convince poor readers they will read faster if they slow down and force themselves to see all the letters in every word.

I also teach the importance of checking out the vowel before reading the first letter. If students start with the first letter and the following vowel, they always end up at a dead end. If they read sat and start blending the /s/ with the /a/ first instead of the /a/ with the /t/, they always wind up misreading the word. Suppose you say your students don't have that problem. In that case, I say the only way that is possible is because they immediately recognized the -at before they blended the s. In one case, they blended /s/ with /at/; in the other /s/ with the /a/ alone. It's the latter that doesn't work.

In our last session, Twin A said she still had problems singing the alphabet song. When I went over it with her, she was only missing the lmn sequence, omitting the n- a common problem. However, when I asked her what letter came after lmnop she had no trouble saying qrst. Remembering a group with the only cue of the preceding group of letters is a difficult skill. Again, she shows signs of cognitive function, which I hadn't seen before. I taught her the lmnop sequence with backward build-up. She remembered it flawlessly today. I don't just teach facts; I teach how to learn and memorize.

Twin A was so tired that she fell asleep while in the Zoom meeting. Despite her exhaustion, she read well and remembered the alphabet sequence. She is doing very well. When she left the session to get her sister, she closed the Zoom session. I called her mom. She set it up again and made sure Twin E came to the session.

Twin E chose to read a story rather than work on memorization skills with the sight word list. I gave Reading Roots 23, on a first grade level. She read evey word accurately. Both girls did amazing jobs today.

I had Adolescent D immediately afterward. I used a few paragraphs from Readin Roots 37. While it is considered first-grade material, it contains all the syllable patterns V, vc, VCe, VV, Vr. Vw, vh,vy, except the Final Stable Syllalbes, like -ble, tion,cion, ious, etc. He coded the syllables on his own. I only corrected him if something was clearly wrong. He coded the final e in a VCe word as an open syllable. Oh, boy. We've encountered that over and over, and he still misses it.

It was Yvette's night to join me and Elsa on our evening walk. Little wanted to turn around the moment she left the driveway. Yvette lingered to hear about my skincare adventure from Friday. She said she could see the difference in my eye after using the Truffoire treatment. I said now that my wrinkles were less, you could see the dark circles under my eyes. I think the irony is a hoot.

Sunday, April 21, 2024

The offertory song in church today was Make Me Brave. It's a prayer asking for God to be with us. I wish I could feel that protection of God. I don't. It is such an alien concept for me. I don't know if those who believe in the presence of a loving personal God are free from loneliness and fear that comes from not belonging to someone or to a group, a group they are connected to daily. I believe the killer behind loneliness is fear. Can trust in God be a substitute for belonging to a group of humans?

The Buddhist idea is closer to something I could use. It involves accepting change and remaining peaceful in the midst of chaos—not a strong suit of mine either. After many years of meditating, I am better. The goal isn't complete peace in the face of all upsets but just getting better and recovering more quickly. Neither religion embraces denial as a solution.

Over coffee and donuts after the service, Paulette and I compared the results of Friday's skincare treatment. Some of the puffiness had returned to Paulette's eyes, but it was still better than it had been. The wrinkles under my eyes were better. They hadn't been bad to start out with. I could see the difference because the dark circles under my eyes were more visible. Before the treatment, they were hidden in the folds of my wrinkles.

I had a session with third-grade M at 3 pm. She is doing very well with the comprehension. She takes risks and engages in speculation about the direction of the story. I model that, too. We both make predictions. I was completely off today. I thought it was going to be around something that happened to Stuart at the skating rink and wouldn't involve the bird, Margalo. Since the last chapter featured the bird, I didn't think she would also have a major role in this one,. M thought it would involve the bird. She was right, and I was wrong. I love it when that happens. I want the kids to see no one can always be right. We all make mistakes- and survive them. The only way teachers are always right is by using crib sheets.

I asked M how she was doing in school. As I suspected, well. I asked her if she understood what people said. It was a thumbs up to this question, too. Then I asked her if she wanted to continue our sessions. She said yes to that too. I think I am offering her moral support rather than academic lessons. Her father has thanked me for what I'd done for her, telling me how she performs better in other circumstances, even on the basketball court. She is more confident in general.

In my work with Adolescent D, we continued color-coding syllable patterns. I love doing the work. It makes me look at phonics in a new way. Every word can be classified, even the irregular ones. While the is irregular and needs to be recognized as a sight word, if It is read as an open V syllable pronounced with a long /e/ you can figure out the word. Learning to figure things out is something I teach explicitly.

At the start of the session with Adolescent D, I asked him if he could send me a copy of his poem. He was happy to. For our work today, we continued color-coding syllable patterns.

Humpty Dumpty Has Health Problems

By Adolescent D

Humpty Dumpty was considered quite tall.

Humpty Dumpty Sure loved to play ball.

Humpty Dumpty accidentally kicked his ball over his neighbor's wall.

All his friends made him climb the wall to retrieve their ball.

Humpty Dumpty climbs the wall so he may reclaim his missing ball.

At the top of the wall he sits so enthralled. On this wall that is quite tall,

All his friends were all appalled, and scared that he just might fall.

Humpty Dumpty while on this wall, saw his ball, and didn't mean to slip and fall. As he hit the floor with a crack and a splat, he thought his health insurance plan surely couldn't pay for that. In fact, he couldn't afford to see a doctor at all. His plan eggscluded falls, it did not cover eggstremities.

Humpty Dumpty, now cracked and scrambled, was no longer tall, and not able to kick a ball.

I tried the Truffoilore exfoliant. I was looking for a scam where the pilling effect was from something in the lotion and not from my skin. I applied it twice; there was pilling with each application. Was that because I had more dead skin after the first application, or did the pilling come from the lotion? Then, I felt my skin. It was the first time it felt soft and smooth the way it used to when I was younger, in my sixties. The skin on my hands is still smooth without treatment, but not the skin on my face.

I can't remember why, but the subject of shame came up in a conversation with a friend. She cited Brene Brown saying shame was unnecessary. It sounds like Brown is banishing the concept and feeling of shame. You go, girl. Good luck! It's up there with banishing the sugar craving. We're hard-wired for shame. Shame is to a social faux pas as pain is to a physical injury.

While I agree with Brown on the inappropriateness of the excessive shame response in our modern society, I don't think we can fix the problem by banishing it.

Shame is a survival response. It informs us we have violated some social norm or someone's boundary. That response was needed when our brains were being formed. We traveled in small groups. Survival depended on everyone being on the same page. If someone got off script, they had to be dropped from the group. That would be a death sentence.

Nowadays, there is no one script we all follow. Our parents come to the relationship with different scripts, which sometimes never get reconciled; irreconcilable differences are a reason for divorce. When we find ourselves in conflict, we can be generous and recognize differences. The way the toilet paper goes on the roll or the toothpaste tube gets squeezed are not life-and-death matters, but they can really push our buttons. I heard my mother-in-law judge someone's intelligence based on how they placed the toilet paper. Wow!

My friend commented on how her mother would say, "You should be ashamed of yourself," over what? We should undoubtedly stop pushing shame on others. That's up there with sexual molestation. We are triggering an autonomic response to get someone to do something our way. It's bullying. When I was a child. It was a common practice for parents to use shame. No one should use shame to get what they want. What is the alternative?

A parent's job is to get their children to do things their way. The alternative to shame is to ask someone to do it your way to please you and to teach them how. I can't imagine my husband being amenable to being 'taught' how to do something by me, but that is a parent's job with a child. Can we teach without prompting shame?

In my experience, children are quick to feel shame if they can't do what all the other children around them can do. It doesn't require anyone to tell them they should feel shame. It is an autonomic response. We are designed that way. If a child couldn't perform as all the other children in their age group 20,000 years ago, they knew something was wrong. If they didn't pick it up themselves, they picked it up from their parents' fear.

What positive function can shame have in our day and age? It tells us when we've made someone uncomfortable. We can remind our inner selves that function autonomically that our lives are not in immediate danger and respond to the needs of others—and our own—with kindness and compassion. But first, we have to get that terrified part of ourselves under control. We have to acknowledge that our response is out of proportion to the circumstances.

Brene Brown says to get rid of the response. I still say, 'Good luck!' We can't get rid of it. It can serve us well. It can help us be sensitive to others and compassionate—but not until we learn to love that response in ourselves and have compassion for it.

Saturday, April 20, 2024

Dan was scheduled to take out the large Shefferlara tree that damaged our cement driveway today and a second tree that shot up from an unwelcomed seed that was now blocking my view of the Pacific. He called around 9 a.m. He was at the vet with one of his dogs. He has something like five. He takes in rescues. The Humane Society has him on speed dial. He dog has some fatty lumps.

He didn't show up or call. I called him. Most of the lumps were lipomas. There was one at the neck the vet wasn't sure about. He said he wanted to stay home with his dog.

We had to negotiate a new time. Sunday was out. It was Josh's day off, and he needed peace and quiet. I wouldn't be home Monday or Tuesday morning to care for Little, and Yvette would also be out. We rescheduled for Wednesday.

Darby had returned the large trash barrel, and it was available for another load of fronds. Fronds are the huge 'leaves' that fall off palm trees. I had loaded up the last of the ones the gardener had dumped on the property for years. Now, I was ready to clean up others lying elsewhere on the property. I found a few freshly fallen ones. Then, I grabbed those lying at the top of the driveway just below the lower gate. I had gotten good about stuffing them into the barrel. I walked the trash barrel over to Darby's for delivery. Her house is about a block away from mine.

As usual, Darby came out to spend time with me when I dropped off a load of green waste. We walked on her lawn barefoot. It is supposed to be good to have direct contact with nature. Anything to do with nature, and I'm there.

Darby talked about the Amish today. I have no idea why this was on her mind. She lived near a community and became interested in them. They don't advocate their lifestyle for moral reasons, meaning it isn't evil to live otherwise. They live a simple life because it is a slower one; living a slower one means it's easier to be close to God.

While the community rejected most 'conveniences,' they did accept the washing machine. I wondered how you operate a washing machine without electricity, so I looked it up on the Internet. A washing machine can be foo or crank-powered.

The machines we've brought into our homes and lives are considered labor-saving devices. I once asked my mom why we were busier these days than when she was young. For context, my mom was born in 1903 in Berlin, Germany. She said something so interesting. She said they didn't have telephones or washing machines. Without telephones, communication was all in person or in writing. That slowed things down a bit.

As for the washing machine, everything was handwashed. My mom changed her underwear once a week. She had a dress for school, a dress for play, and a dress for church for each season. That was it. Besides not producing a lot of laundry, she didn't have to spend time selecting clothes every morning and shopping for a fashionable selection.

Needless to say, there was no television to occupy anyone's time. The first television ever seen by the public was at the 1939 World's Fair. My mom saw it in 1940 when her mom came to visit. She was pregnant with me at the time. I got my first computer in the 1980s. Again, I checked the Internet. The first personal computer was available in 1975. These beasts occupy much of our time.

Back to the lives of the Amish, Darby said only seventy-five people have joined the larger Amish community. While some have left the community, it continues to grow. Every time a given community grows bigger than forty families, it splits. Half the group leaves the area and sets up life somewhere else. This number roughly conforms to a functional community's magic number of one hundred fifty. Anything bigger than that requires an overseer, i.e. a government.

A problem that plagues the Amish community is inbreeding. They make every effort to avoid it. They search for mates from different Amish communities. They keep genealogical records. They allow the adoption of children from outside the community, which brings in new genetic strains. When someone is inflicted by the consequences of inbreeding, they accept this as a consequence of keeping their communities and lifestyles. They are committed to caring for those afflicted.

On the other hand, the Amish are free from many of the diseases that plague the modern world. If I remember correctly, Darby said they are free from cancer and heart disease.

Since Covid, loneliness has finally received the attention it deserves. We need to belong to secure communities. Isolating ourselves in our nuclear families and, even worse, living alone is deadly. We have turned ourselves into zoo animals. We live with a degree of physical safety our ancestors never knew, and it is killing us. I watched another of the Gokhale Online University videos. They're terrible. The guy leading it needed his posture corrected. His ribs were too far forward. The ideas behind Gokhale are spectacular. I believe in the process, but the teaching sucks. I can't say that for the group teacher, Lisa. She was wonderful. She had a background as a dancer and had a deeper understanding of the body.

When I met with Adolescent D today, I asked him to read his poem to me. I couldn't believe it. It was really good, clever. I was suspicious. Had he copied it off the Internet? I looked for modern poems written alluding to the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme. I could find nothing. I would ask him to send me a copy of the poem and run through a plagiarism check on Gokhale. If I did find he cheated, I would only share that information with his mother. This was a moral issue that called for family guidance. It was up to his parents to respond, not me. I planned to ask for a written copy.