Sunday, June 23, 2024
I was tired last night despite sleeping a lot during the day. I was afraid to go to bed too early, knowing I would spend most of the night lightly dozing. An alarm went off that I didn't remember setting. I was too tired to get up. Many hours later, I was awake enough to get up. I realized I must have misset an alarm for an am hour instead of a pm. Sure enough, that alarm had gone off at 2:20 a.m.
I've changed how I've integrated the Laughter Yoga into my morning Gentle Seated Yoga routine. Before, I adapted the amount of laughter to the length of the movement. I reversed it now, adjusting the pose's length to the breath's exhalation. The benefit of the laughter is you continue doing it until you run out of breath. Other breathing exercises I've done emphasized the exhalation, which should be twice as long as the inhalation. My breathing exercises to lower my blood pressure have also emphasized complete exhalation.
I've also been listening to Mate's book Scattered Minds on my earphones as I walk. I read books like this in the morning primarily to get ideas on how I can help my students. This book has greatly benefited me, especially since I'm listening to it for the second time. I got tricked into that.
Yvette turned me onto a free nonfiction book on Audible that she liked. I listened to it. When she told me there was a sequel also for free, I listened to that too. The stories were a pleasant relief from my own thoughts. I have rarely used books in any form for comfort. I always read for information. Usually, something in a book will trigger an idea, and I'm off and running. Creating new ideas is my joy.
Today, in church, I had one of those ideas triggered by the book and my breathing exercises. Mate writes about the origins and healing of ADD. Listening to his book, I think, "Is he saying these issues cause every other diagnosable psychological problem?" Nonetheless, what he had to say spoke to me. He's big on problems caused by poor attachment between mother and infant. There's no question my mom wasn't the best on good attachment: attunement. There's attunement in the mother adjusting behavior in response to the child's physical needs. There is also attunement in the sense of synchronizing brain waves. My mom wasn't the best at either. She overly rejected harmonic synchronization, also known as bonding. I believe she thought there was something inappropriate about it, downright dangerous for the child.
Mate says a child feels abandoned if there isn't appropriate attunement of either or both types. There are one of two responses. The child goes out into the world, seeks connection or retreats, and finds solace in some private activity. I was the one who went out into the world looking for connection. I also lived in a constant state of terror. That I made it through school at all is a mystery. I don't know what asset of mine to attribute it to. Perhaps the same survival instinct that kept my mom going till two weeks before her 98th birthday despite all the blows that life had dealt her. She was a survivor. So am I. But staying focused has never come easily.
I still find it hard to start something for fear of being unable to do it. I know it's a ridiculous feeling. I am capable of doing most things and capable of dealing with them if I fail. I do well with failure. I'm probably more afraid of success.
Many of my fears were calmed when I was with Mike. He provided a comforting presence both passively and actively. He also provided protection. He made it clear to my mom that he would protect me from her attacks by calmly standing between us. All that is gone now; many of my old anxieties are back. It's made worse by having no one living in the house. However, an old friend made it plain that his gloves were off now I no longer had Mike's protection. He made my vulnerability clear to me. Wow! I hadn't realized how bad it was.
I suffer from some underlying anxiety without immediate cause. I can always find something to blame it on, but I believe the anxiety precedes the disturbing thought. I just dredge up an explanation so I don't feel totally insane. Today, I thought of a way of dealing with that anxiety that worked in the minute. I will continue the experiment and see if my theory is correct. It's fun to knit together a theory, even if it's a bust. Nothing ventured; nothing gained.
Putting together all the elements I mentioned above, it occurred to me that I could calm my anxiety by holding my breath and upping the CO2 volume in my body. When people have panic attacks, they are told to breathe in and out of a paper bag, upping their CO2 volume. When people feel upset, they often hold their breath. How many times have I heard a therapist yell, "Breathe! You're just pressing down your feelings." When the feeling is out of control anxiety, it should be shut down. People must approach difficult issues with a calm, curious mind, not one racing for survival. There's under-excitation and over-excitation. Both are dysfunctional, inappropriate states of mind.
I held my breath. I felt calmer. Wow! If this works, it is my drug of choice. It's not that I'm trying to escape all my feelings. I think my feelings are fascinating. I find the whole human condition fascinating. I love exploring how mind and body work together and how emotions impact everything. I'm not using CO2 therapy to escape anything but overstimulation.
Tying in what I experienced with what Mate has to say about the importance of maternal attunement to the infant, I had another thought. When an infant suckles at the breast, it breathes in the mother's CO2 with the milk. CO2 can be a calming trigger as it reminds of early maternal attunement. Suppose that attunement wasn't sufficient in our early development. In that case, we can give it to ourselves by holding our breath to calm down.
This breath-holding exercise is nothing like some people's choking trick to get off. It should never feel uncomfortable, no less life-threatening, no more than breathing in someone else's CO2 should feel uncomfortable or life-threatening.
Now to experiment with this theory and see if it has any value. Boy, I hope so, for my sake and everyone else. Big Pharma, be gone. Then, I shared my brilliant idea with Lutz, our local font of knowledge on everything scientific and historic. He said people with panic attacks were given paper bags to breathe in to regulate their body chemistry, not calm them down. When there is too little CO2 in our blood, we become alkaline; when there is too little O2, we become acidic. Hyperventilation reduces the CO2 in our blood; we become alkaline. Breathing into a paper bag restores the balance between the CO2 and O2 in our blood. According to the Internet, breathing into a paper bag restores calm breathing and a calm mind. The experiment is still on. (For anyone wanting to try the paper bag trick instead of just holding your breath a bit longer, check for directions online. If overdone, it can cause harm.
I had a brief session with Adolescent D. Wow! Who is this kid? He decodes words perfectly and shows intelligent consideration. Most impressively, he consistently- did you hear that word?- places the slash consistently, marking the syllable division with consistent ease.
However, D still needs help remembering. One day, I showed him the phonics rule for the vowel sound in child, mild, wild and bold, cold, sold. Yes, there is a rule. The next day, he not only had no recall of the rule but also of ever seeing the words. I read something about the role of attention in recall.
I shared what I learned with D. Did this sound right to him? Was his inability to pay attention the cause of the problems with his recall? He said, "Yes," quickly and decisively. I was excited. Maybe we would solve his memory problem. I didn't think he deliberately didn't pay attention. I thought he didn't have control over his attention function.
The next thing was to get more information. Then, D started equivocating as I asked more questions to get details. I assured him he didn't have to know the answers to my questions. I also assured him I would be fine if this didn't solve his problem, and we got nowhere with it. Then I asked if that made a difference. He said yes to that, too. I didn't have any ideas of how to approach the problem. I would have to sit with it until something occurred to me that felt right. I pay careful attention to that inner voice. It has rarely led me wrong. I can't think of a single time when it has.
I had going-into-fourth-grade M today. Her father confirmed her appointment at the last minute. We continued working on Stuart Little. It's peat and repeat. She really doesn't need me for academic purposes. She needs me to affirm her right to see things as she sees them. When we encounter vocabulary she doesn't know, I encourage her to make a 'logical guess.' It doesn't have to be correct; it has to make sense in the context. The words she chooses have to fit into the sentence the way the original word did. This is how we learn most words. We make a good guess. When we encounter the words a second and third time, the definition we chose for the first word will or won't make sense in the new context. Then, we have to adjust the meaning of the word. That's how we learn most words. If you're concerned they've guessed the wrong definition, don't' be. Teachers present wrong information all the time. Most of what we learn has to be constantly modified and/or refined- if we live with open minds and hearts. If we need the world to be static, well, good luck.
I sent information on the number of sessions I met with M for May for the second time. M's mom insisted she paid me. They used to pay me on time, but I'm an old shoe to them now, particularly the mom. My guess is she doesn't think my sessions with her daughter are necessary. I don't think she needs me for academic reasons, either. Sometimes, our sessions wear on me because I don't see myself as having a meaningful function. I'm there as a support object versus someone making a meaningful educational difference. I've asked M several times if she is happy with her sessions with me. She says yes. Otherwise, I would push to end them.
M's mother is a problem. I don't know this from my experience with her in the past, and I'm concluding it now because of our issues with timely payment. The older daughter told me her mother is considered nuts by the family. Apparently, she is harsh with the girls. Sounds a bit like my mom. M's mom argues that's how she was raised; it was good enough for her, etc.
M's mom sent me a list of checks from January. I checked them against the number of sessions. Her mom was right. The problem was she had overpaid me in May and confused me. She paid for four sessions when I only met with M twice. I owe her money. I wrote her, "You're right." She responded, "Thank you." I appreciated that. I hate the no-response-necessary approach to interpersonal communication. It leaves the response open to my imagination. My imagination is not always kind to me.
