Mike's death; Betty's life...

Saturday, May 16, 2026

Monday, January 15, 2024

Oh, my word; the stressors are mounting. First, there was the dog attack at 5:45 am last Wednesday. Elsa's bite and subsequent vet visit were only part of the trauma. I was terrified I would be knocked over. I have been told explicitly that my left arm can't afford any additional impact. I've had nightmares of falling ever since.

On Thursday, I found out where the owner of the dogs lived. On Saturday, I dropped a letter in her mailbox informing her that Elsa was bitten. I didn't expect her to pay the vet bill, but I did ask her to take precautions, so her dogs never got away from her again. When I told Judy what I had done, she said, "You know it's a federal offense to leave anything in a mailbox? It's federal property, and only the mailman is allowed to use it." No, I did not. Besides having nightmares about this woman blaming me for her dogs' attack, now I had to worry about her pressing charges against me for putting something in her mailbox. So far, nothing: no reply and no charges.

Then there is my broken Rainbow vacuum cleaner that sucks up water like nobody's business. It's what I need to clean up Elsa's mess when she chooses the lanai rug over the doggy dog to the yard.

Today was the start of the fourth week my car has been in the shop. When I brought it in on December 22, they told me the mechanic qualified to work on it would be away for two weeks for additional training. In week three, I started calling them. I left several voice mails and received no reply. Today, I called the showroom. I got the same woman who secured a loaner for me when the service manager refused me one. She said she would ask and get back to me. It's evening now, and there is no word from her. I hate to think what is going on.

As to the loaner, I picked it up on Friday night. Sunday, I noticed a dent in the driver's side back door. I had forgotten to check for damage before it took the car. I took it to a body shop to get an estimate. I had to assume they would blame me. The body shop repairman estimated a $6,000 repair. The dent was low on the door, hitting a vital support.

Today was a special stressor. I confronted my gardener. A while ago, I started worrying about the Ficus trees he planted in our yard: five in a 100' by 20' space with a rock wall supporting the area and a cement driveway and foundation just behind that. These grow into monster trees, 50 to 60 feet high with large trunks. More importantly, they have monster root systems that destroy rock walls and cement.

When the gardener came today, I asked him why he planted those there. As a gardener, he had to know what the Ficus tree would do. He said he wasn't thinking. I told him that meant I couldn't trust him. He also said Mike had okayed his decision. Mike didn't know the difference between a tree and a shrub. He would have no idea what a Ficus could do. When I heard Ficus, I thought of those potted plants we got on the east coast. Hardly a threat to anyone's foundation. I fired him. Ask me if that wasn't stressful. I've never done anything like that in my life. He may have done me wrong, but he was cheap. Now I have to find another gardener to trim the trees and the bushes. Another decision hangs over my head. Mike made those kinds of decisions. I was scared of making them.

Many years ago, I was the one who picked out and purchased a new dryer on my own. I didn't think much of it at the moment, but on the way home, I had a car accident. Yes, I was driving under five miles an hour. I made a left turn without checking to my right. The body shop tech was surprised the damage wasn't worse when he heard about the accident. It was Mike who recognized it was the first time I had to make a decision like that on my own.

While Mike made decisions with apparent relative ease, it weighed on him. He was playing the role of the strong man. I knew of his vulnerability. I wonder how much of this male burden is the cause of early death among men. The need to be strong and secure eats at the flesh as well as the soul.

Oh, yes. There's one more. I got roped into a thousand dollars worth of posture lessons with a Gokhale teacher. I had a private evaluation with Esther, the founder. That was worth it. I wanted direct contact with her. She also gave me some pointers that already made a difference. The sticker price is not just impressive to be shocking; it is a bitter reminder of how undervalued academic teachers are. This woman is charging $240 an hour. The teachers in Hawaii make less money than the waiters. A friend's daughter is a certified teacher and prefers to wait on tables. She says she earns more money than a teacher and has no homework. If someone is rude or demanding, she calls over the manager, and they throw the people out. If you look online for tutoring jobs, the pay generally runs from $18 to $35. I have a master's degree and enough additional credits for a Ph.D. plus. I have sixty years of experience and an excellent track record of successful outcomes. A massage therapist, a waiter, or someone who gives facials earns as much as four times what a teacher makes per hour. Something is wrong with this picture.

Saturday, January 13, 2024

I weeded the fine grass clumps in the flower bed and trimmed one of the larger bushes. I needed the step ladder to get the high branches. I was prepared to fall into the bush if I lost my balance. I may have been stuck there for a while, but someone would have come along to help me. I treated the broken Ti leaf plant stump that was snapped in two during the windstorm with Super Thrive.

I was ready to deliver my letter to the woman whose dogs attacked Elsa. I ran it past Yvette, who thought it sounded good. I walked it to her mailbox. Her property is enclosed with a chain link fence. I wouldn't have found it easy to get in to talk to her if I wanted to. My fear of her dogs would have been enough to keep me out.

I addressed the envelope "to the woman whose dogs attacked my dog." I added a note on the envelope, "This is not a lawsuit." Her mailbox was a strange one. It looked like a regular rural delivery box, but it had a locked box inside, part of the construction. I didn't know where to place my envelope. I was concerned it would slip behind the box and never be noticed. I took a picture of the inside of the box and the address for the police report.

A man on a small, motorized vehicle pulled up to the fence.

I assume it was her husband. He asked me what I was doing. I told him I was putting a letter in the mailbox and was confused by the design. He assumed the letter had been misdelivered, and I was kind enough to bring it over. I said no, the letter was from me, and got out of there. The event was stressful. I went home and slept for most of the day.

I had repeated nightmares that the woman would accuse me of being the cause of the problem. My dog is a yappy dog who provoked her dogs.

If I'm concerned about her dogs knocking me over, I have no business being in the street. No, I never spoke to the woman. I have no idea what she thought. The proposal that a vicious dog has more right to be on the public road versus me is so preposterous as to be absurd. It still feels lousy to envision someone taking the tack. Mind you, she has said nothing of the sort. It's my mom's accusing voice where everything that goes wrong is my fault. She once said, "If I ever make anyone angry, it's because you did something wrong.."

At twelve, I was molested (not raped) on the subway. I came home and turned to my mother for comfort. She got angry at me. Typical of my mom. She operated on "It's Thursday; it must be Belgium" logic. If she was upset, it must be my fault.

The email for Mama K's crew was undeliverable for the second day. This time, I sent Mama K a screenshot of the return email. I had the wrong address. Some computer glitch had removed the

correct address from my address book and left an invalid one.

Friday, January 12, 2024

For the past two nights, I had nightmares of falling. I cannot afford any more falls. My PT warned me to use my right arm to catch myself if I fall. Apparently, I can do significant damage to the left arm. Because of the metal in my arm, there is no give. I will break all the other bones. This morning, I started problem-solving. 1) I have to practice falling again. When I learned to fall in my dance classes in my twenties, I began falling from a kneeling position. I will start there. I learned to roll my hands onto the floor to break the impact. I will start there again. I'll begin with the hand rolling on a tabletop. 2) I wrote my orthopedic surgeon to get more information about my degree of risk. I want details of what can happen if my left arm gets shocked. I also wanted to know the limits of what I can do. Can I do a military push-up? A plank?

Seeing the harness didn't work with Elsa's injury. It slipped and moved to rub one of the puncture wounds. A collar would work. Before I went to Petco to buy a new one, I asked Yvette if she had one left over from her old dogs. She had one that was perfect. Elsa is back as a full-time walking partner.

The lead character in The Good Karma Hospital, Dr. Lydia Fonseca, tells one of her frustrated doctors that there is something positive about resignation when faced with it from the patients. It's the fatalism of Hinduism. I saw the connection between fatalism and surrender. I hear people talk about the importance of surrender. Our culture is the exact opposite. Surrender and acceptance are not part of our culture. We need more of it. But then people sell the value of surrender indiscriminately. I refer back to the Serenity Pray.

As I typed this, I wondered who wrote the Serenity Prayer. It was a Christian minister and philosopher associated with academia, Niebuhr, who had nothing to do with Alcoholics Anonymous. The founders of AA found the prayer and made it their own.

Thursday, January 11, 2024

I had nightmares of falling. I cannot afford to fall again. Because of all the metal I have in my arm as a result of the shoulder replacement and elbow reconstruction, there is no give. The remaining bones would be very vulnerable.

I drove around the neighborhood at 5:30 am looking for the woman with the two dogs that attacked Elsa. I didn't see her; however, I ran into others who walked at that time. They said they usually saw her, but not that morning. I think the woman realized what had happened and was in shock, too. I asked them to tell the woman her dog had bitten mine if they saw her.

I tried the harness on Elsa. It looked like it wouldn't come in contact with the wounds when I put it on. That proved not to be true; as we walked, it slipped around. I took her home and went out on my own. I ran into Dean, who was looking for me, and Shawn on his morning walk with Coco, his dog. I told them what happened. Both Dean and Shawn knew where the woman who owned the dogs lived. Dean even knew she had lost a dog within the last year and replaced it with a rescue to keep her remaining dog company. He even knew one of them was vicious. Yvette pushed me to communicate with the lady. She wanted me to follow up to make sure she would take action to prevent another incident like this from ever happening again to anyone, no less me and Elsa.

At nine am, I had a Zoom meeting with the 80s Club. It's not particularly helpful for me, at least not yet. Apparently, the information I provided on the useless of my long-term health insurance was helpful.

Mike and I put out $50,000 in premiums over ten years. As far as I can make out. We have a $95,000 deductible; they need two weeks or immediate notice to honor the claim. Then, they send out an insurance investigator to validate the claim. Also, I only have $72,000 in coverage. Let me see: it cost me $15,000 for three weeks of out-of-pocket coverage after I broke my elbow and shoulder.

I heard something about long-term care insurance on the news yesterday. The industry is basically bust. They completely underestimated their ability to service their clients. They figured no one would live as long as people are living now and underestimated the rise in the cost of long-term care. They also calculated that people would drop their insurance along the way. Huh?

One of the participants, a retired professor of nutrition, gave a presentation on the Blue Zone Diet. I knew about it already. The key message is to eat less meat and more beans and have a robust social network. Those are the universals between all the Blue Zone locations. I did learn you're supposed to eat a cup of beans a day. Wow! That's at least one bowl of soup. Tofu products count. I don't like tofu.

I had my appointment with Shelly, my therapist/ life coach, afterward. One of the daunting problems in my life had been resolved, a significant interpersonal relationship that had turned out to be a nightmare. She resolved something in herself, and things improved steadily from there.

I started working on my reluctance to put the information about my teaching methods out there. I see anyone who wants their product known advertises, knocks on doors, sends emails – and daily posts on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Why is it so hard for me to do it? I remember when I would do something that I hoped would please my mother, and she would get angry at me for one reason or another. There was always something wrong with what it did. I learned not to try to please her. Learned helplessness. I appreciate this behavior when I see it in my students. It's easier to take failure because you didn't try in the first place than to fail because your effort wasn't good enough to succeed. Even worse than failure is to be yelled at for your efforts. That's one step worse than failure.

I had a supervisor who did that to me. She literally screamed at me when she saw my work. On one occasion, the problem was she had never seen what I was doing and argued it could never work. It worked with the children she observed me teaching that day. One had fetal alcohol syndrome, and the other was very slow. The second time, she screamed at me, "This is the worst lesson I've ever seen," I had a group of students walk in and tell me what their teacher wanted me to work on. I had no time to prep. I couldn't figure out how to draw an octagon. I asked if one of the students could do it. One student came up to the board and drew it. I believe engaging students this way is much better than having them deal with the know-it-all perfect teacher. I think it's a teacher's job to model how to deal with not knowing answers and intellectual and academic failure. My supervisor did not. Despite knowing full well that she was wrong in both cases, I remain scarred by those events. She retraumized me.

I worked on the old feelings I had from my mother's treatment of me. This is the first time I experienced the spin effect and release, a procedure I often use with my students.

My acupuncturist was at my door moments after I hung up with Shelly. She did more cupping, which is helpful. She noticed that both my hands were purple. Apparently, this is a sign of poor circulation. That's alarming.

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

I was up well before 5; I was wide awake. There was no point in staying in bed. I would be cultivating bad sleep habits. I did my half-hour of sitting yoga following a YouTube video. I use the same one every morning. It's doing wonders for me. I was out for my morning walk at 5:30. I usually wait until first light. At 5:45, Elsa and I were attacked by two dogs. The dogs were after Elsa; my concern was keeping erect while three dogs circled my legs.

I'd seen these dogs before. They wear Christmas light collars so they can be seen in the dark. One is black and the other black and white. They appear as floating lights at a distance. The woman was across the street from me. They were barking wildly at Elsa, and Elsa returned the compliment. I pulled her in tight and tried to get away from the scene while the woman attempted to go in the opposite direction.

The next thing I knew, I heard the dogs barking behind me. Panicked that I would get knocked over, I crouched as close to the ground as possible and yelled, "No, no, no." I wasn't concerned for Elsa, who ran to greet the dogs. Yes, I released the button on her retractable leash. As I've said, my concern was for myself. Dogs often snarl at each other; I didn't expect an attack.

When I realized the woman had regained control of the dogs. I quickly got up, pulled in Elsa's leash, and went home without turning around. I never knew what happened. Did the dogs escape her and run across the street, or did they drag her across with them?

I only saw the blood on the side of her body when I got home. I assumed it was just a surface wound. I washed the area, picked her up, and let her wrap around my neck.

I called Yvette to tell her to tell her what happened once I thought she was up. Later, I called her; I thought to invite her to come up and check on Elsa. I felt she would want to see for herself. She looked and recommended I call the vet for advice.

At that hour of the morning, I got a tech. Yvette recommended I bring her in. She would tell reception to try to get me in. I got a call at 8:30; they had an appointment at 9. "I'll be right there," even though I thought it would be a waste of time.

I got right in shortly after I arrived. A first. I usually have a long wait. I assumed I would see a tech. There was only one doctor on call, and he was booked. I wasn't with Elsa while they treated her. This clinic has a special examination room. I returned to the car to wait.

The doctor came out to the car. He said it was a good thing I brought her on. She had two puncture wounds and bruised ribs. He shaved her around the wounds and prescribed an antibiotic and a painkiller. I was so grateful Yvette had persuaded me to go. My poor baby girl.

Yvette was upset about the incident for Elsa, me, and her dogs. She told me to file a police report. While I had information on the incident, I didn't know where the woman lived.

I made it to Ulu Wini. There were no spectacular changes in students today. It was all the continuous slog, looking for minuscule changes that promise more.

Tuesday, January 9, 2024

Strong wind and pouring rain made the morning walk impossible. I found two spots of Elsa pee on the lanai rug but no poop. Thank you, Elsa.

Although, the pee is actually worse. When I clean up the poop, it's gone. The pee leaves an acrid odor that's impossible to eliminate, especially now that my Rainbow is out of commission.

I called the repair company today to check on the vacuum cleaner.

It's a small local operation that repairs Rainbows along with other vacuums. A little old Filipino lady runs the place. She asked what kind of a vacuum I had. When I told her a Rainbow, she said, 'The part hasn't arrived yet," in an annoyed tone. I asked how she knew this if she didn't know who I was. I got my tag and read the number. The lady took a few minutes and came back to ask me if I was Betty. Yes. "The technician hasn't checked your Rainbow yet."

It turns out that the only technician on the island who can repair Rainbows has been out sick. There is a backlog of twenty vacuum cleaners. Will I ever see my vacuum again?

I had a nine am appointment with my occupational therapist to work on my hand. It feels like there isn't much more she can do for me. I have regained strength in my left hand. It is 80% of what my right hand can do. The OT said I was making good progress. I work hard and recover quickly. I am an unusual complaint patient.

I complained about how I had permanently lost my graceful arm motions. Wendy suggested we work in the mirror so my left arm can learn from my right. This brought tears to my eyes. I loved feeling my arms were graceful. No more. Bent with a limited range of motion with a numb and partially paralyzed hand at the end of it. It was the first time I felt strongly about the accident and its outcome. Otherwise, I've been calm and accepting.

I made two stops before I went home. I figured shops and the post office would be empty. Who would go out in this downpour? We rarely have a full day of light rain. It was strong winds and a downpour, big fat drops pelting us today.

When I stopped at the post office to return the literature of the Bayada agency that provided the PT and OT who did home visits after my accident and surgeries. The line at the post office was surprisingly long and slow. Not as bad as Christmas time, but bad.

Then, I stopped at Costco. I needed to pick up more moisturizing lotion with 30 spf. It was on my way home.

I tried to nap when I came home. I lay on the sofa in the living room rather than the screened-in lanai. Despite a warm blanket, I was chilled. When I got up, I moved my computers into my bedroom. That room can be closed. There are two doors to the outside, one to the inside of the house, and a window. With all those closed, the air is much warmer. You'd be surprised how much body heat can warm up a space.

I was set up to meet with Mama K's crew at three pm.

There was no response. I texted and called. There was no response. I didn't hear from her until my evening walk with Darby. She was out doing chores and had set up the iPad. The kids chose not to respond. Mama K was not happy.

At 4 pm, I met with Adolescent D. He read Fry list 101- 150. The goal is to strengthen his neurological circuits, not remember any particular words. I told him to read the words with a consistent rhythm rather than fast. He did very well on 101-25. He missed three words on the second list. This list is still on a second-grade level. Even if we had only achieved a solid second-grade level in the three and half years to four years we've been working together, it would still be amazing. He was reading at a first-grade level in the spring of eighth grade. When I started working with him. Last spring, he tested on a 5th-grade level. His test result was a measure of his comprehension rather than his word recognition accuracy. He was not required to read out loud for the test.

I videoed D reading the list to show it to his mom. I was concerned she'd see the glass half empty. Is it any wonder D is a downer? The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Judy sent me an email about someone looking for a room to rent.

I talked with Yvette. We will work on this together.

The wind quieted as Darby and I made it around our usual circuit, completing three thousand steps. The wind started picking up again as I turned into my driveway.

Monday, January 8, 2024

I woke up around 1 am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after four hours of sleep. But not to worry; I fell asleep quickly once back in bed.

We had strong winds blowing again today. Another plant was knocked down. Last time, it was a thirty-foot palm tree with shallow roots because it had been planted on top of a rock in shallow soil. This time, it was a red tea plant. It can grow about 10 feet high and has large green or red leaves. Mine was about 5 feet tall; the wind snapped the stalk in two, splitting it down the middle. I used my four-inch chainsaw to cut the stalk down below the split.

I bought bone conduction earphones from Shokz. I had to call the company to figure out how to connect it to anything. I saw them on Yvette. The earphones sit on the cheekbones, not in the ears. Sounded great to me. I have tiny ears. It’s hard to find earphones that fit well. I got it connected to my phone. Now, I had to switch it between my iPhone, MacBook computer and Surface Pro tablet.

Sunday, January 7, 2024

I forgot to set my alarm and slept straight through to five-thirty. I am usually wide awake well before my alarm goes off at five am. I got up a few times during the night but fell back asleep quickly. The only disturbing feeling was one I associate with loneliness. That’s a killer.

I have noticed that I’m burning out with the students. Now, in all fairness to me, the work is taxing. I am constantly dealing with people who need help learning something, who I must comfort and protect. It is never an equal relationship. They are never concerned about me, and the work is never relaxing, just two folks hanging out together, happy to be in each other’s company. The work can be energizing and gratifying because I succeed, but it doesn’t address the human need for companionship.

My walking buddies, particularly Darby and Yvette, address some of that need. However, we’re always doing something together. I need parallel play activities. We’re both doing our own thing in the company of the other.

The connection is solid even if we’re not directly engaged. It’s just comfortable. There’s no objective. I had that with Mike.

I became aware of my need for that type of companionship one day when Mike and I were renting an apartment for two weeks at Harvey Cedars on Long Beach Island in New Jersey. He was in one room, and I was in another, but we were on the same floor. I felt content with the arrangement. At home, we had a two-story house with a partly finished basement where he had his office. There could be two stories between us. That didn’t feel good. I love living in the commune even though relationships were far from ideal. What I shared with Mike was my idea of wonderful.

I drove to church this morning instead of hitching a ride with Judy and Paulette. Second grade M’s father asked me to meet with her in the morning. I wanted to be home by eleven. Judy said they were going to make a quick stop at Safeway. Judy never makes quick stops at Safeway.

When I sent the Zoom, there was no response. I texted and was told they were on the road. That was upsetting. I went out of my way for them, and he couldn’t wait until the afternoon to do his chores? I calmed down. I found sitting with the grief is helping. My tolerance for others is building up again.

I called Mama K twice in the morning to ask if her kids were available. She answered on the second call. She was home, and we set up the Zoom. All three of the kids are doing much better. Fifth-grade K can answer most of the questions I ask. He has started making predictions, can defend his position, and is prepared to find out he’s wrong if the author wrote the story differently than what he had in mind.

Twin A is sailing through the sight word lists, completing the first 300 words corresponding to grade three. Considering that she didn’t know all the letters in the alphabet at the end of grade one, this is remarkable progress. I am hopeful she will be an independent reader at grade level three by the end of the summer. That would put one year behind when she enters grade 5.

Twin E, who has been lagging behind, is also moving ahead. We repeatedly reviewed the first one hundred words on the Fry Sight Word List. Earlier this week, she finally read them well enough, with enough accuracy and speed, that I felt comfortable moving on to the next list. We worked on the words 101- 150. We needed to go over the first twenty-five on the list a few times before she did well enough to move on to the next. I videoed her reading the two lists today. She did well on both. The second one she had never read before. She did very well, not perfectly, mind you, just very well. For her, that’s exciting.

I called Mama K after the session. I told her what I was seeing. She told me Twin A had picked up a book on her own and walked around reading it. If she got stuck on a word, she would ask her mom. This is a huge breakthrough.

At three, I had second-grade M, and her father had asked her what book she was interested in reading. She wanted Chocolate Touch, stories based on the Midas touch. I wanted him to tell me before the session so I could download the book on Kindle. Her dad strikes me as being somewhat flaky. While I can be disappointed in his behavior, he never means to be rude or disrespectful. He has expressed great appreciation for what I have done for his children. If he tells me there is a problem, he has seen improvement each time. M’s current problem was her inability to verbally communicate what was going on in her mind. She gives single-word answers to questions. I told her she had the right answer in her head, but she wasn’t communicating it. That boosted her confidence and helped her take risks.

I tried to pair my new Shokz earphones with my computers. Yvette told me it made a huge difference in her Zoom sessions when she used the earphones. She could hear better, and the person on the other end said I sounded clearer. I find myself yelling on Zoom. If these earphones improve the sound quality, I would be thrilled, but I couldn’t figure out how to do it for love nor money. I will call the company for tech support on Monday.

I spoke to second-grade M’s father after my session with her to tell him of her improvement in comprehension. It was more her ability to articulate her thoughts than to know the answer to the question. It quickly became apparent that she had the right thought but didn’t say what she had in her mind so the teacher would know it was there. I wanted to know if her dad was also seeing improvement. He giggled in response to the question; yes, he giggled. “Oh, my God. We are seeing tremendous improvement. She is expressing her thoughts better. We are also seeing a big difference in her vocabulary. She announced she wants to go to Punahou.” This is the high-end private school that Obama attended on Oahu. You got to love it!! This girl is now an ambitious student; before, she stumbled among her family. I felt great after that conversation.

Saturday, January 6, 2024

I got many little tasks done that I’d put off because I was busy and immobile. I pulled some trailing corral from the stretch along the fence. Mei permitted me to pull the plant out on their side of the fence, and I had most of it done. I had to clear it out on my side, too. I also weeded the stretch on the street side of the front fence with boiling water. It didn’t take much. I’ve been good about treating it every week on Thursday. I finally got around to cutting the lox I bought at Costco into chunk sizes appropriate for a bagel topping before I put the package in the freezer and opened the sweet kale salad I bought the other day. I take the salad from the plastic packing and dump it in a terry cloth dish towel in the vegetable drawer. It keeps the greens fresh for a long time. I need to do that because the quantity of salad is too much for one person.

Elsa and I visited with Paulette. Judy came down the stairs holding on to Aya’s leash so she couldn’t run down to Adam’s house, a cup of coffee and a plate with French toast she made the other day in her other hand. Paulette and I were concerned she would fall. Aya is still a puppy, a large puppy, and is perfectly capable of pulling Judy down the stairs. Paulette and I called out in alarm.

When I called Mama K at eight am to set up the Zoom session with her crew, there was no answer. She often does something with the kids and forgets to let me know. I texted her to say I assumed that was the case. Around nine, she texted that she was just waking, and the kids were still asleep. This was very unusual; she called it a New Year’s miracle. She would call me when they were up.

I connected with them when I came back from Judy and Paulette’s. Both girls are doing better: Twin E with recalling words and Twin A with comprehension. I worked with fifth-grade K on the book Hatchet. He can often answer questions. Sometimes, the literary tricks are too subtle, and I tell him what’s going on.

I was supposed to have second-grade M today at three. Her dad canceled at the last minute. We rescheduled for Sunday when I came home from church. I asked him to check what kind of books she likes. I’ve been working on Stuart Little with her. It’s outdated. I think she finds it boring. I don’t blame her. I remember loving the book. But then I’m outdated, too.

Elsa peed on the lanai rug this afternoon. I have no idea why she does this when she can go outside through the doggy door. I can’t even clean it up without my Rainbow vacuum cleaner. I haven’t heard from the repair service company. I will call them on Monday to see what’s going on. I hope they diagnosed the problem already and ordered whatever part was needed.

There was no response to my Zoom invitation to Adolescent D at four. He texted to say he thought he would be home in time. His dad asked him to join him at the beach. Sounded lovely. He apologized. I told him I didn’t mind. He was always considerate and polite. We met at 5:30, right before my evening walk.

We did the usual starting drill: “Give me a word, any word.” Then he decodes it. Yes, he knows what the word is before he starts. Decoding is a procedure. He isn’t figuring the word out; he’s learning the procedure.

He picked a two-syllable word today. He started going through the steps without me cuing him. He identified the vowel letters, the vowel sounds, the syllables, and the syllable patterns. We also started on the sixth sight word list. He did pretty well. I wanted to record him for his mom to hear. I would never have shared it without his permission. He told me he started applying my strategies outside of our sessions. This is a first. He sounds more confident and in charge.

During my evening walk with Elsa, Yvette, and Little, Yvette commented that my hairdresser had given me a Mohawk. I felt the top of my head for the upstanding bristle of hair. That’s what a mohawk was to me. But that is not what Yvette was referring to. She had shaved the side of my head down to the hairline at my neck. I’m a little ole lady with a mohawk. That must be a sight.

Friday, January 5, 2024

I had a haircut today and had plans to go to Ulu Wini to tutor afterward. If I had gone home, I would have had to turn around and head out almost immediately. I was exhausted. Haircuts knock the stuffing out of me. Instead of going home, I drove to the Ole A, the old Kona Airport, pulled into one of the parking spots, set my alarm on my phone, pushed the car back, locked the doors, and went to sleep.

I saw five students in two hours today. If you wonder if this makes a difference, the answer is yes. Each time I work with a student, something happens. As with the rich and the poor, the rich get richer much more quickly than the poor. Some students are so low it’s comparable to jump-starting a stalled car. While the car's speed isn’t great as you roll a few feet, there is a huge difference between being at a dead standstill and even that bit of movement. With many of the students, it’s just that bit of movement. It’s not much, but it gets them off in the right direction.

Darby was floating on air when we walked tonight. Patrick’s CAT scan came back clear - totally clean. Yay!

Thursday, January 4, 2024

I had an occupational therapy appointment this morning. It's slow progress. She told me she could not help me with the nerve damage. The hand exercises would only help increase my range of motion, not the numbness or swelling. I had an appointment with Shelly immediately after my OT appointment. I talked to her while sitting in the parking lot of the rehab facility. I was exhausted after that. I went home and napped.

Later in the afternoon, I tutored at Ulu Wini, a low-income development. One of the employees has her son work with me. He's a bright, energetic child. The school says he has problems with reading.

Reading is not his problem. His problem is impatience and concentration. He races through the activity, happy to rewrite the text to his satisfaction and give whatever he thinks the answer should be without concern for the author's input. I gave him the letter-naming activity. We both saw the same text. He and I took turns saying the letters as quickly as possible. Our turn was over when we made a mistake. It's a game. The objective is to train the eye to see the letters. Concentration can improve with this exercise because the activity's game aspect will carry over. Also, doing this activity trains the mind to process the letters faster. I threw in one lesson on decoding multisyllabic words. At the end of the session, he said, "You know, you could be a teacher." Got to love it.

At the end of two hours, I had worked with six students.

I found the Three Pines videos. TV series based on Louise Penny's detective stories. It is very loosely based on her series. Characters are dropped altogether or radically changed. It was still pretty good. Whatever it was, it was lightyears better than those series with violence and perverse characters.

Tuesday, April 28, 2026

Wednesday, January 3, 2024

Again, the tapping app was off when I woke up at 3. Huh? Did my phone not charge again? No. The battery was at 100%. I wondered why it stopped. Is the app onto my all-night trick? It is that monotonous music that is keeping me from going down negative rabbit holes. God bless that monotonous music.

It was just Yvette, Deb in Seattle, and me for driveway yoga this morning. Yoga is particularly good for stretching my arms over my head as I lie on the ground. Of course, the left arm will never come down to the ground again. The reverse shoulder replacement prevents that. The surprise is how tight my right shoulder and arm are. They were not affected by the fall. It's months of not moving them through a full range of motion.

Today, I gave Twin E the choice of practicing the words on the list or just saying them. She chose to practice. Most of the students I work with have poor study skills. I teach them how to study and to move on when something feels secure. When not, repeat the exercise at least three times. Students have no sense of when they know something securely and when they don't.

I teach them how to memorize. Don't just look at the word and say the letters. See the letters in your mind, then hear the word in your head. The first involves just recognition. The second is 100% recall, both visual and auditory. Then, I worked with A on the words she missed in the 151-175 list. I noticed she had trouble following directions. I'd say, "Say the sound for the letter." She would say the word. I'm unsure if it's a problem with auditory processing or being too focused on what she thinks should happen. I also worked on comprehension with A. We're working with low third-grade material. The question in the passage is which freezes faster: salt water or fresh water? When I tried to illustrate the concept, I saw the problem. One doesn't freeze faster than the other; one freezes sooner than the other. Now, I'd like to know if that's the same thing. The concept of faster versus slower, or sooner versus later, had to be correlated with the falling of the thermometer. I learn so much with children who don't have basic understandings. Seeing it from their perspective changes how I look at the concepts I've taken for granted all my life.

I continued working on Hatchet with fifth-grade K. He's following pretty well. He is a bright child who just needed some explicit instruction. His intelligence may have created confusion when he saw too many options. He even knew what a metaphor was and understood the idea when the author wrote that the plane clawed through air on its ascent.

Darby told me that her friend in Hilo died. He'd been sick for a while, but she hadn't known it was that serious. She was deeply impacted by his death.

Tuesday, January 2, 2024

I chose a new program on my tapping app. I usually pick deep sleep. Last night, I decided on a calming program. It played repetitive music as the deep sleep program did. However, rather than calming me, it caused agitation. I shut it off and put on the sleep program I usually listen to.

When I woke up sometime in the early morning hours, the music had stopped. It does that just before the alarm goes off at five, but tonight, there was silence. I checked to see if the phone was dead. The battery was at zero. It had been plugged in all night. What happened? I wiggled the plug in the outlet, trying to make a connection. Nothing happened. Yesterday, I opened my electronics cleaning equipment: brushes and objects that look like a cross of a toothpick and a Q-tip. Assuming the Q-tip had left some fibers in the outlet, which would have blocked connections, I used compressed air to clean the outlet. I wasn't optimistic.

I absentmindedly plugged in the phone, planning to be at the T-Mobile store first thing in the morning. When I rechecked the phone, it was charging. The compressed air did the trick. I can't live without my phone anymore. It's on me constantly, mostly because I use it as my pedometer. I keep a record of my daily steps on it.

I noticed I have picked up some of Mike's quirts. I need to order more than I used to. I also leave drawers ajar. Mike left things open and turned on. I always checked the stove top burners after he cooked. He left drawers and doors ajar. I generally found it funny. I didn't laugh when, one morning, I discovered he had locked the front door but hadn't closed it.

One of the Ulu Wini students hugged me today as we ended our session. He said I really made that much of a difference. A little Kindergarten girl keeps asking me to work with her. I did today. She is ahead of some of the third graders who can't read at all. I will give her time when I can, but she has her mom to help her at home to boost her go-get-it attitude. I worked with third-grade L, who has problems with accuracy and decoding multi-syllable words; his mother tells me the school says he's behind in reading. I'm sure he is if he doesn't read accurately. I recommended he and his mother do a letter-naming activity to force him to pay attention to what's on the page. The task is to name the letters in sequence in any text. You can use what I wrote: y-o-u c-a-n- u-s-e, etc. He can do it with anyone who can see the text as he reads. When he makes a mistake, the other person gets to do it until they make a mistake. It's not as easy as it sounds. However, I find the biggest problem with the kids is memory. Some third graders are still trying to decode words in the 1-25 sight word list.

Wow! Wow! Wow! I had Adolescent D read the sight word list. He easily reeled off words from lists 1-175, only slowing down until he hit words 176-200. This would put him at the end of second grade. I know, I know. He's a sixteen-year-old boy in tenth grade; what's the big whoop. Trust me, it is a big whoop.

I bought the earphones I saw Yvette wearing the other day. The earbuds didn't go in her ears; they sat on her cheekbones. Wow! I bought the waterproof ones, anticipating wearing them in the shower. One never knows, do one? They were a pretty price, but they will be worth it if I don't have to walk around holding the phone. It will reduce my chance of falling.

Yvette also told me that one of her Zoom students said using the earphones improved her sound quality. I will have to try this myself.

I wasn't feeling 100% today. I didn't feel better working with the kids at Ulu Wini. Usually, getting involved with something clears up what ails me if it's not a real problem. Not only did my time at Ulu Wini not have a positive effect, I didn't feel better after my evening walk with Darby. I wondered what tomorrow had in store with me.

I had a socially awkward moment with Steve and Shannon. As part of my straightening project, I set off to give the cheap candy someone gave me for Christmas to Jazzy for her kids. I head out to their mailbox. As I exited my driveway, I ran into Steve and Shannon. I told them I would drop off this cheap candy in a neighbor's mailbox. Guess who gave me the cheap candy. Shannon said it was just given as a token. I said I understood that. I don't think I told them I appreciated being on their list.

I can't find a TV series or movie worth watching. I want a relaxing, brilliant series like ShlEand or Endeavor. Instead, I find movies and TV series that deal with one kind of perversity after another. Maddening.

Monday, January 1, 2024

Today was a pleasant, relaxing day devoted to getting chores done, like straightening up the disorder on the lanai as I’ve let things pile up. I spent the whole day alone reasonably happily until my evening walk with Elsa, Yvette, and her dog, Little. It was a good way to start the new year.

Sunday, April 19, 2026

Sunday, December 31, 2023

It was a beach day for Mama K's crew. Twin E still has to be pushed to use the memorization procedure I've been teaching. She prefers just looking over the words and assuming that will work. She doesn't study with her mom or one of her siblings. She does it all on her own. Since she can't remember the words, she has nothing to practice.

I teach students to make the individual sounds in the word and then blend the sounds into the whole word. They are to repeat that activity three to five times. Then, they 'see' the word in their mind and 'hear' it in their head. They should repeat that exercise three to five times, too. This exercise forces recall. Their mind has to produce the information.

Many students confuse recognition with recall. They think just looking at the words will have a magical effect. This is not all their fault. Teachers tell students to study and accuse students of not studying but never teach them what it means to study. All teachers have had a college education. Each has figured out how to study if they weren't taught how to do it by their parents. Poor students didn't have parents who taught them how to study, and they didn't figure it out for themselves.

I spent New Year's Eve alone. It was okay. Mike and I weren't New Year's Eve revelers. We went to bed as we usually did. It was just Elsa and me. While she jumps into my arms when she hears a nail gun or a firecracker in the distance, she is calm when they go off nonstop. Been there, done that.

In past years, I woke up at midnight when people were shooting illegal fireworks. I would watch the show from my bed. Folks up the block figured a great show every year. Not this year. People were amazed that I slept through it. It was particularly raucous.

But I didn't miss the show altogether. Shannon called while out on a walk around 7:30. Did I want to join her and get in more steps? We were on the street when the aforementioned neighbor shot off one of those package deals usually reserved for the finale of a firecracker show. I got to see a good one and get a good night's sleep.

Saturday, December 30, 2023

Twin A read the words on the 101-150 Fry Sight Word list without hesitation. Incredible! She is one of the twins I started working with at the end of first grade who couldn’t name all the letters in the alphabet. Memory problems showed up in nonacademic areas as well. Their parents were not optimistic that they would ever develop memory skills.

Steve returned my chainsaw. He tried to use it when he came to cut up the tree the wind blew over. He took it home to see if he could fix it and replaced the rusted chain. As he left, he repeated his offer, “If I can do anything for you, let me know.” I told him he could allow me to show him my method for teaching reading. I assured him he didn’t have to agree or like it. Although I was hoping he would. He will be going to India in February to help establish a school designed for the female children of prostitutes. The founders want to embrace these babies as their own children. It will be an orphanage and school with a lot of love. At least, that’s the plan. This would be a great place to use this method. Of course, it will depend on the teachers. If they’re rigid thinkers who need to feel they are the sole source of knowledge, they won’t be comfortable with it. Using this method requires accepting you will make mistakes in front of your students. Allowing students to observe this is a gift teachers must give their students. They need to model how to deal with not knowing or making an error.

Friday, December 29, 2023

I slept very well. I woke close to five am when my alarm went off. The tapping app helps me sleep soundly. It blocks troubling thoughts, which can leave me exhausted in the morning.

Ninth grade L was my first student at Ulu Wini today. She said she wanted to work on writing and verbal expression. I did a co-writing exercise about a Christmas celebration at her church. She described the Marshallese social dance. People of all ages participate. Sounded great!

Josephine, the head social worker at the community center, sat down and asked me to tell her what I was doing with

the students. She had a list of all of them I worked with. Wow! I had no idea they were paying that much attention. They’ve been keeping track of how many I do a day. Wild. I proposed we meet during the day after the kids return to school after the winter break. It would be too tiring to confer with her after two hours of tutoring.

Today was the first day of sunshine after 13 days of a dense grey cloud hanging over us, blocking the sun. Where the solar system usually provides 70-75%, during this period, it provided a high of 68%, a low of 28% with an average of 48% daily. When I looked at the mountain when driving on Queen K parallel to the ocean, I saw the cloud cover hover over Hualalai and nowhere else.

Third-grade S from Ulu Wini is way behind. He has trouble speaking Marshallese as well as English. I sounded out all the phonemes of words. He watched my face intently. He was lip reading. Does he have a hearing problem? I would have to talk to Josephine about this. He should get a hearing test. In the meantime, I worked with him, repeating and blending sounds. We did some work on memorizing the alphabet. He didn’t even know the alphabet song.

I worked with third-grade L, the son of one of the employees. He’s bright as a whip but insists that everything has to be done his way. He reminds me of my great nephew, Sid.

The children are responding well to the method I developed for memorizing. I see improvement as they work on the sight word lists. Some show a little bit of improvement, some a stunning amount. None are up to grade level.

Some students can’t remember the word of and try to decode it. These kids have very weak memory systems. Any improvement is huge. It’s somewhat like getting a car moving from a dead standstill.

I worked with eight kids today. Reno read just fine. No way I could have made all that difference. Why did he waste my time yesterday? He said he didn’t need to work, but he kept passing near me today. he obviously wanted to meet with me again. I’m not quite sure why.

I was Maestro last night. I thought it was magnificent. I assume it will sweep the Oscars.

Thursday, December 28, 2023

This was the first day in a while with some sunshine. We’ve been plagued with heavy cloud cover. It’s not over the whole island, just in our area. It’s not personal. It’s coming over Hualalai, our mountain, and not over Mauna Loa. Its worst impact is on the solar panels. It vastly reduces the amount of electricity we get.

On being personal, the way people use the term drives me nuts. Someone does something hurtful; if you’re hurt, it’s your fault because you take it personally. Did I mention Buddha’s answer to this issue, the theory of the two arrows? The first arrow is the one that strikes you; the second is how you respond. Let’s face it, folks! There is no way that the first arrow won’t do some damage. It’s going to hurt. The second arrow is the one we bring to the pain. There will be some pain, but do we need to enlarge it. Somehow, taking that first arrow personally is supposed to be the cause of all the pain. No, we are injured. Knowing it wasn’t personal does not resolve the pain.

I recently heard a podcast on Hidden Brain on the impact of rudeness. Not only are we negatively impacted by someone’s rudeness to us, but we’re also negatively impacted by someone’s rudeness to someone else. How personal can it possibly be if someone else is being attacked? Our nervous systems are designed to respond when treated negatively by another human being, whether it’s ‘personal’ or not.

Vicki called from the dentist’s office to give me an appointment. A tooth cracked or chipped near the gum line. She got me in around noon. My acupuncturist was scheduled for eleven am. I wouldn’t make it to the dentist on time. Vicki said we could do twelve twenty. That would work.

The acupuncturist placed pads under my shoulders as I lay on my belly to stretch out the muscles in front of my shoulders and reduce the curve of my upper back. I complained about my mid back on the right side. She was surprised the problem was on the right rather than the left. For the first time since we started working together, she used cupping. It felt great. It relieved the sore point on the right side of my back.

The dentist felt for the hole in my tooth. KC took three X-rays, which confirmed there was no infection. An old filling at the gum line on top of a cap hadn’t adhered. I needed a new cap. Should I get another implant? No, this tooth would last me till the end. Yes, I’m calculating when my end may come. Given my mother’s longevity, I expected to be around for a while.

I met with Mama K’s crew. Both of the twins are showing improvement in their ability to rapidly recognize words.

I use Fry’s sight word list. It could be any list of words. I am teaching them how to memorize rather than specific words. The Fry list is good. Fry was one of my professors when I got my master’s in reading at Rutgers. It is a computer-generated list of words in order of their frequency of appearance in text. I hope I can get Twin A to a high third-grade level by the end of the summer before she starts fifth grade. Twin E needs a breakthrough before I can be optimistic about her progress.

Wednesday, December 27, 2023

I was wide awake at 1:30. When I woke, I was fully refreshed and convinced it must be close to five am. The clock dissuaded me from that notion. The experts say if you can't sleep, get up and do something else. I did. I got on Charity Navigator and made all my yearly donations. It took me several hours and was off my mind. Ah!

I went back to bed shortly before four am, thinking I could get an hour's sleep. I was freezing. My hands and feet were like ice. Yes, it gets cold in Hawaii. I had been sitting on my screened-in lanai for three hours in 65-degree temperature. I hadn't felt cold the whole time I worked on making those contributions, but three blankets weren't enough to combat the cold when I got back in bed. I could have gotten up and closed the sliding doors to my bedroom. Body heat and breath are surprisingly reliable sources of heat. Elsa and I can do a bang-up job warming up a space, rapidly taking the sting out of the cold.

Driveway yoga was on the schedule this morning. I moved my car out to the street to leave at 7:45 for the kupuna mahjong get-together at church. It was drizzling when I got to the driveway at seven. I figured I'd be uncomfortably wet if I stayed. I went inside, leaving Yvette and Carolyn in the driveway to complete the asanas. I did the gentle seated yoga I do every other morning.

No one was in the parish center when I arrived at the church. I saw T.J., who is the organizing backbone of the church. She didn't know what was going on any more than I did. I called Paulette, who attended last week when I didn't. She said, "I thought I told you we wouldn't meet again after the holidays." I said, "You didn't expect me to remember?"

I went to Long's to pick up some dental supplies. Before moving on, I sat in the parking lot and called Kraftsman Autobody to ask if I could come by for a rough estimate. I explained I had found a dent in the loaner Kia had provided. While there was no way it could have happened on my shift, I couldn't prove otherwise. I can imagine that no one noticed the dent. I hadn't carefully looked for dents before I took the car. It's been a while since I rented a car, and I remembered to do that examination. I wanted to know what a body shop would say it would cost to repair it so I wasn't blindsided by some outrageous bill. While estimates were usually given by appointment, they had someone immediately available. I drove over there. Jamie came out after ten minutes, apologized for making me wait, and checked out the door. Estimate $5,000 to $6,000. Holy cow! I stayed calm throughout. I kept repeating Mike's mantra, "It's just a problem to be solved." I keep my eye on doing my best to solve a problem. What a gift he gave me.

Next, I headed to the vacuum repair shop. I have been besieged by breakdowns. Yesterday, my precious Rainbow vacuum cleaner just stopped working. I need it to do deep cleanings of the carpet when Elsa decides my lanai carpet is the best spot to do her business despite having easy access to the outside.

While the sign on the shop said 'open a nine,' there was no one there. There was a number to call. It was answered immediately. The woman who received the vacuums was on a delivery and would be there in a while. I went to Island Naturals to see if they had some in-house tuna salad available. They did. It is so good. Then, I returned to the vacuum store. The woman arrived within ten minutes.

She looked at my machine and asked, "How long have you had it?" The machine must be at least 15 years old. She said, "I hope it's not the motor. It costs $300 and will take several months to get one." It's Hawaii. The motor would have to come by boat, a six-week trip.

It was an Ulu Wini day. I worked with four kids today. I got tired quickly. I worked with a sixth-grade girl. She asked for help in math with fractions. I asked her which fraction was the largest, ½ or 1/8. She didn't have a clue. From there, we proceed to the addition of fractions. It's hard for kids to understand why you can only add numbers with the same denominator and why you can't add those numbers together. I explain it by showing how you can only add like objects together. You can't count the apples if you only figure out how many oranges you have. She didn't even get that concept. She seemed to understand everything I taught. Is that because I went back to the basics and explained them in a way she could understand, or would she lose everything I taught as she had with the tutor the school provided? I looked forward to seeing her the next day to find out.

I'm reading a book on math. It describes what I experience with these kids. They do not see the concrete represented in the abstract. Math is something floating in space that has no relationship to the physical world. On the other hand, I read something I had never thought of before, although I had known it. 1+ 1 can sometimes equal one. Of course, it does. It's evident once someone shows you how that is possible. If two clouds merge, you have one cloud. Ergo 1-1 = 1. I felt wonderfully energized after teaching math. It is so much fun figuring out how to make the math real for kids.

I left when I felt tired. I got home and did a session with adolescent D. We started each class with a cross-body blending exercise. I say, "Give me a word, any word." So far, he has only been giving me one-syllable words. It reflects his poor skills and appropriate insecurity. He really can't remember anything from one minute to the next.

Monday, December 25, 2023

A quiet day, peaceful, actually. I wasn’t haunted by loneliness. I saw no one except those I ran into on my walks until I joined Judy and her family for dessert. It was a lovely visit. It was two grandparents, a great aunt, Judy and Howard’s friend, two parents, and their three young children. This is a true extended family; everyone lives on the family compound, two houses between which the children move back and forth freely.

At least two of the children move back and forth freely. A third is severely disabled, a functional quadriplegic who has zero communication skills. He suffers from a mutation known as FoxG1. This child is one of the worst cases. Those who spend a lot of time with him see patterns in his responses. No one knows what goes on in his mind. Since he is in constant motion, his arms, legs, and head moving much like a newborn’s, it is hard to know what movements a response to a stimulus are. There’s only one thing for sure: he’s loved.

Sunday, December 24, 2023

I went to church with Judy and Paulette, as I usually do. Meali’inani was sitting on the south lanai where I sat. It was lovely seeing her again. She usually goes to the seven am mass. Sandor, her husband and a deacon Mike helped train, frequently serves at the nine am mass. I get to see him more. I got up to hold the door to the church for a frail elderly man. When I got back to my seat, Meali’inani was chortling. “I watch you hold the door for people younger than you.”

When I got home, I noticed a dent in the rear driver-side door of the loaner Kia gave me while my car waited to be repaired. I hadn’t seen it before. There is no way I could be responsible for it. I drove it home directly. The dent looks like a parking lot incident. No one parks next to me in the driveway, and I hadn’t driven it since I brought it home.

I met with Mama K’s crew, three children: fourth-grade twin girls A & E and their fifth-grade brother K. K has been avoiding his sessions with me. When his mother discovered what he was doing, she put her foot down. When I did get him in a session, he dragged his feet. It was grueling. I confronted him. “your mom insists you work with me. if you drag your feet, it will take longer.” Then I realized that I could pick a book he might enjoy more. I had been using Stuart Little. I thought Hatchet might suit him better. I purchased it in the Kindle form from Amazon.

Twin A is rocking it. Suddenly, she knows words I’ve never shown her. She can retrieve words she has repeatedly seen in school over the past four years. Syllable patterns also become part of our ‘sight vocabulary,” like an, in, ane, and ine, etc. Having those securely embedded in our memory and easily retrievable allows us to figure out words at lightning speed. Twin E still lags behind.

Introverts choose not to do or say anything when in doubt. Extroverts take risks. Neither is good in an extreme form. I had to learn to tone down. But I find introverts toxic. From what I can see, they assume they never do anything wrong because they do nothing. The standard confession in the church says.

I confess to Almighty God

And to you, my brothers and sisters,

That I have greatly sinned,

In my thoughts and in my words,

In what I have done

And what I have failed to do.

Doing nothing does not mean a person does no harm to others.