Friday, December 22, 2023
Shortly after midnight, I was wide awake. Following the advice of the sleep experts, I got up, dressed, and moved into the living room.
I was overwhelmed with loneliness. While I am welcomed by many, I belong nowhere.
Whatever the problems were in my family of origin, I belonged. My place at the table was fixed, guaranteed. That continued after my father died. My mother, sister, and I sat down for dinner at the table every night. My grandmother sat in my father's place. I wasn't disturbed by that. My sister, four and a half years younger than me, blamed her for the dramatic change in the family. She described standing in the school playground, being overwhelmed by loneliness.
I didn't suffer from that. While my place in my relationship with my mother and sister was secure, the fear I felt in relation to my mother was also secure. I had that strong emotion to keep me warm.
I am awake now with an overwhelming sense of loneliness. If others knew I felt that way, they would open their homes to me. But none of that compensates for having a fixed place at the table. Mike and I gave that to each other. We would have liked to have expanded that to include others, but our offer was rejected. And now I have no one. It's devastating.
I remember having this ache once when I was an adolescent. My parents bought a home in Great Neck, N.Y. Rather than wait for the end of the school year in June, they moved in April or May. I stayed with my grandmother to finish the school year in the Bronx and joined my family on the weekends. I was devastated. The pain was almost unbearable. My parents, aware of my feelings, arranged for me to spend a night at my best friend's home. I remember lying on a cot, sharing a room with Mary and her sister Jane. It didn't do a lot to relieve my pain. It was a distraction.
I had never felt that way before. My parents sent me to sleep away camp when I was ten. They were concerned about my reaction. I went off with my assigned group joyfully. I loved camp from day one. Four years later, Dorothy, my sister, started coming to camp. She loved it, too. She once said, "We had all their love and affection at the safe distance of two hundred miles."
Our sense of belonging was secure. Whatever problems our parents caused us, we were always valued. They wanted us; they were happy to have us. We felt loved. We belonged.
This is despite two weeks when my mother thought it would be amusing to threaten to give me up for adoption daily. Intellectually, I knew full well there was a better chance she would kill me with her bare hands than give me up for adoption. Nonetheless, her words had an impact. The episode ended when I said, "Either do it or don't do it, but stop torturing me." It was the only time I successfully stopped her pain-inducing behavior.
I once had the mother of one of my tutoring clients talk that way to her son. I told her to stop. She pooh-poohed me until I told her my story. I hope it helped the boy. However, I did also say she would throw him out if he became drug addicted. She had an obligation to protect her other two children from his influence.
Writing about this and sharing it with whoever chooses to read it gives me some immediate relief.
Lately, I've been thinking about what I enjoyed doing with Mike. I hear some people say going to concerts, hikes, etc. I can't think of a single activity that stands out. I just enjoyed sharing every minute of my life with him. I don't mean being in his company every minute. I mean having him as part of my sense of self. It was always safe, almost always comfortable, and frequently joyful.
I sat in the living room as I typed. Elsa sat in the other chair.
I looked at her and told her I loved her and that having her in my life was good, but she was not enough. Our places at the table are even fixed. I sit either in 'my chair' or the one that used to be Mike's, and she curls up under the table. She is still not enough. I need to belong to another human being or group of human beings.
It doesn't have to be an intimate relationship, just safe and guaranteed.
There is much talk these days about the universal problem of loneliness. It is considered a health crisis. I think loneliness is a form of fear. Our brains are designed for group living. Being alone meant certain death in our hunter-gatherer days. Our small roaming bands were as bonded as a military squad. They faced physical danger together and were as devoted to the lives of their fellow group members as they were to their own. I have heard soldiers home on leave from grueling combat anxious to return. That order to group bonding is worth risking life and limb for. We are designed to live that way.
Modern humans live like zoo animals. We have created physical safety and material wealth at the cost of social bonding. Our group identities have shrunk. We were once members of groups and tribes. Then, we were members of extended families. Then, the identity shrunk to the nuclear family. Now, it's each man for himself. Group unity is reserved for rock concerts and political rallies. Only there can we experience shared neurological firing patterns where we are in harmony. Frightening.
I worked with Mama K's crew. I checked Twin A, who is the better reader, on the Fry Sight
Word lists. She did well on words 1-75. She was halting on words 76-100. I worked with her on concepts in our comprehension work the last two days. What is the opposite of hot? She didn't have a clue. I drew a line, placing hot at one end, made three additional marks on the line, and gave her the words warm, cool, and cold. She had to put the three words in the proper places. She didn't have a clue. I tried a line with zero at one end, two additional marks, and five and ten. She had trouble figuring out where to place them.
Today, I worked on contractions is not versus isn't, and then worked on several other contractions. Twin A knew it is versus it's, but that was it.
Twin E is doing much better on words 1-100. She is doing better on the last list than Twin A. We worked on the words she missed.
I started Twin E on comprehension today. She read a passage from the Barnell Loft third-grade book. She did a good job reading the text. Wow! I saw a huge difference in her reading level. She has told me her teachers are impressed by the difference. They may be impressed, but they are not interested in my methods. It's very sad. I started her on the In The Book section, showing her how to use the words in the sentence. She followed carefully but couldn't do the work on her own.
In each session with Adolescent D, I ask him to give me a word, any word. I have him analyze the word, identifying the vowels, the number of syllables, the syllable structure, and the phonemes. Then, he must blend the phonemes together, adding one at a time using cross-body blending. He chose the word future. He'd only seen the final stable syllable ture a few times before. He still has trouble remembering er almost always makes the same sound. He still has problems reversing letters but is willing to work on it. There are long, Latinate words in the articles we're reading for his social studies class. Out of curiosity, I tried him on a low third-grade passage. He read most of the words with improved fluency. I was thrilled. So was he.
Today, Kia was supposed to devote four hours to installing a new part in my car. I dropped the car off on Wednesday. I called today, so I was sure they knew it was there. When I checked in, the attendant was new to the job. I was concerned he didn't do something correctly. Alex assured me he knew the car was there; he was looking right at it. However, the only mechanic qualified to work on electric cars would be away for the next two weeks. He said it came up suddenly. He was attending a Kia professional development session. I can't believe this only came up at the last minute. But I can believe they only told him at the last minute. Could I have a loaner car? He called me back half an hour later and said his shop supervisor refused it.
It meant I would be without a car for the two-week vacation period. I planned to tutor the Ulu Wini students daily. It wasn't just for their sake; it was for mine. I need the social stimulation at least as much as they need the help.\I was hit hard but stayed calm. I only made a few snide comments. Then, I got to work finding alternatives.
I started with rental cars. The cheapest I could find was a car for $585 for a week. I formulated a different plan. A Lyft there and back would cost $60 daily, including tips. Darby immediately offered to give me a ride either there or back when she could. I could get rides from Judy and Paulette, Darby, or Steve and Shannon. That would reduce the cost, a flexibility I wouldn't have if I rented a car.
When I told Judy about my dilemma, she was outraged. She offered to call Kia and give them a piece of her mind. We also talked about calling someone higher up than the service manager. I bought the car from this Kia from George. I called the sales department and asked for him. He was no longer working there. "Can I help you?" I explained I had bought the car there. It was supposed to get it serviced today, only to discover the mechanic would be off-island for two weeks. The service manager had refused to give me a car. She said she would get back to me. She called me back within half an hour and told me I had a loaner. I was to come down to Kia to pick it up.
I called Darby. On Wednesday, I arranged for her to drive me down there after the work was done. This morning, I called her to tell her I wouldn't need that ride. This afternoon, I called her to ask her if she could drop me off at Kia so I could pick up a loaner. Yes sure.
