Sunday, March 5, 2023

 Sunday, March 5, 2023

 I set my alarm for this morning at six a.m., but my preset alarm doesn't ring on the weekends. I had to do my walk and get ready for church. I was back home by 7:30 and did some work on the updates. Time got away from me. It was almost eight a.m. by the time I got into the shower. I had to leave by eight-thirty.

  I pulled out a dress I hadn't worn in a while. I used to wear dresses daily when I volunteered at the elementary school. Now, I only wear a dress on Sunday. I have about twenty, all appropriate for the Hawaiian lifestyle. I pick the next one in the row. It was a blue one with large white flowers. I slipped it on and was surprised by how tight it was. I had gained weight, but this was a shock. I decided to wear the dress anyway. I see women much younger than me with big bellies proudly showing off their bodies. Of course, they're all still fertile. As someone once said, the ugliest fertile woman is more attractive than the best-looking, unfertile one. Oh, well. I always wear a shawl  I get cold. It also covers up a multitude of sins.

   When I arrived at the library parking lot, all the spaces in the top one were taken. I considered using the loading dock's driveway but decided to try the bottom lot first. I could have parked against the locked fence to the DOE parking lot, but I had to back up, which was risky for me. All the spaces at the bottom were filled, so I parked in the area leading to the public lot of the farmers' market.

    I was on time for the service. The folding chairs weren't set out again. I found one free wooden single chair. It was near where a Samoan family always sits. I asked if they would need the chair for members of their family who had yet to arrive. No, I should take it. I usually sit behind this family and watch their interactions. Today, I sat in front of them at a 90-degree angle. There are two young women. One is probably still in high school. They're sisters, and watching them interact was a blast. The family is connected and loving.

   One member of their family always arrives late. He brings two preschool children with him. The sisters greet the girls warmly and interact with them. This is a family of devoted Catholics. The father is an usher. The mother is reverent during the service. The girls and young children are playful. No one objects.

  After mass, I ran into the woman who asked me to tutor her granddaughter. She introduced me to third-grade K.  Now, that was a surprise. Grandma is brown-skinned. This girl looked like Goldilocks. Not just white-skinned but blonde with blue eyes. What is the story here? Grandma has custody of the girl. K sees her mother twice a week.

   When Grandma told K I would be tutoring her in reading, K made it very clear she didn't need help. I told her I would check. If she didn't, I would tell Grandma. That made her more relaxed immediately.

  After church, I headed back to the library parking lot. The Samoan family gathered there, as they often do after church, right in front of my car parked today. The older man who serves as an usher greeted me. This gave me the opening I needed. I told him what a lovely family he had and asked him how everyone was related. He was the father of the two girls. I knew already who the mother was. One of the younger men was his son, one was his brother and the last was his wife's brother, the father of the two young children. I thought the father of the young children was of the same generation as the girls. The mother of the two young children never comes to church. I wonder what the story is there.

   While I wanted to leave, two cars were parked behind mine. One of the girls said, "There's space on this side. You can slide through." I said, "Oh, no. I have accidents if I'm driving under five mph." They laughed. After a while, the son offered to move my car. His dad stepped in and said he would do it. As I handed him my purse with my key, which works remotely, someone came and got in the car right behind me. Once he moved his car, there was much more room to maneuver. I still had the dad move it. I don't trust myself.

   I drove to Long's to check if the Herseys were restocked. They weren't, and I left for home. I went down for a midday nap, as usual. I spent most of the time meditating. I had an interesting switch. I focused on my heart. Grief is held in the heart. It changes the shape of the heart. It is possible to die of grief. I felt pain as I meditated on my heart. Following the dictates of Vipassana, I didn't call it pain but just observed sensation. It dissolved. I was happy to focus on my heart for the first time. A feeling of contentment followed. Lovely.

   I have never been a heart-centered person. Others claim they are; they're not necessarily nice or loving people. I always saw myself as centered in the solar plexus. I don't know the significance of where one is centered. Centering my attention on my heart is new to me. I watch that space in myself as I go through the day. It allows for more feelings of contentment- at least for now. I wonder if focusing on the heart provides that. Do  I get that feeling because of the work I've done on myself or because it is new? Will it help me be a less reactive person? I sure hope so. That would be nice.

   At three pm, I met with Goldilocks. As her grandma said, her word recognition was good. She read fluently. She was able to retell the story. She ran into problems when I asked her to tell me what the story was about. I thought she would do fine, but she fell down when it came to abstract thinking. I was used to working with children who still needed to gain basic skills. Goldilocks is bright, aware, and articulate. It should be an easy fix. We'll see.

   Later in the afternoon, I had second-grade M. In our last session, I noticed she didn't read accurately. Today, I gave her first-grade material and told her to tell her mind to 'see' every letter as she read. She made a few mistakes as she read but caught them herself and self-corrected. It was already much better than it had been last Monday. Was it just a bad day, or had she improved?