Saturday, January 15, 2022

 Saturday, January 15, 2022 

 

     I had a poor night's sleep. I woke up around 12:30 after going to bed relatively late; sometime after 10 pm, I was in distress. Grief is hitting hard, and aspects of my surrounding circumstances haven't been good. I was agitated. All that was currently bad might sort out in the future. I got up and read.  

       I had just finished Gladwell's David and Goliath. Someone had recommended it. The book didn't do anything for me. At the optometrist's office, I started the Corfu Trilogy. Lawrence Durrell was an award-winning writer. I wasn't expecting much from his younger brother, Gerald. Boy, was I wrong! He writes beautifully. His language is rich with imagery- my type of poetry. I read for a while and could fall back to sleep. I woke up periodically, was agitated, fell back asleep, etc. Not too bad for a less-than-wonderful situation. 

        Among other concerns, I clearly saw Elsa running out in the street, getting in front of that truck to stop it. Thank God Lutz was there to grab it and pull her away. I could have avoided that situation if I had locked her retractable leash. It didn't occur to me till sometime in the night.  

   One good note: my ankle was pain-free all night, and I could walk on it without discomfort in the morning. After my morning walk, things weren't quite as good. The old pain returned, and the ankle swelled up. However, the chiropractic treatment made a difference; that offered hope this was just a temporary problem.

    I tried to call both Jean's this morning. Neither was available.  

   I met with the W & M sisters. First-grade M told me she got a horse and talked excitedly about it. I asked her if she wanted to write about it. She said no and got downcast. I asked why. Her first response was she didn't know what to say. I told her about writer's block; even professional writers have problems. She declared professional writers never made mistakes. I told her about editors. I managed to pull the story out of her with ease. It' was not an organized story, but it included good details. 

  After she wrote the story, I had her read an unfamiliar text. She did okay with the first five words. Then she hit the word duck. She confused the d with a b and balked. I couldn't get her to do it anymore. I talked about being scared of making a mistake. She said she wasn't scared. I called her mom when the hour was over to encourage her to find a therapist. What scares me is her refusal to acknowledge she's scared. Does she deny it to me, or does she deny it to herself, too?

   I decided fifth-grade W" s descriptive piece was okay. It wasn't scintillating, but it held together. However, when she reread it, she made a good half dozen errors, skipping words. She was back to not reading accurately. Good God, I have had a slew of complex cases.  

   On one of my midday walks, I ran into Isaac. I usually only see him around the dinner hour. We make a point of walking together if we're both available. I don't know what we were talking about that inspired his comment, "If I'm going to be killed, it will be for being an Adventist." Isaac belongs to the church of Seventh-Day Adventists. He told me that they talk about end time in his church. They identify with the Huguenots for their persecution in France and talk about federally mandated Sunday church services. I chimed in, "If I'm going to be killed, it will either be for being half-Jewish or Catholic." We started a new party game. "If I'm going to be killed, it will be for. . . . ."

    I had adolescent D at 11:30. He got on late. He texted he was in the bathroom. Because the tablet was on the fritz, I used my Mac ProBook Air. I ran into all sorts of technical problems. I had to shut down and send a new invite. 

      I started the session as always, asking him if he did any reading in school. Yes. In English class. Did he understand what he read? Not really. Did he need help with the longer words? Yes. Was the material something he could write on? Yes. "Underline all the vowel letters when you see long words you can't read." That won't guarantee he reads the word, but it's step one. 

  We started a new paragraph today. D read better at the 2nd-grade level. He did pretty well with the spelling. One sentence was, "Catch the ball." I reviewed the spelling before he dictated the sentence to me, spelling each word. Could he spell the word all? Yes. Put a b in front of it for ball. It was not a problem. For catch, I went over /ch/=tch. He didn't remember. I reviewed it again. When I moved to the space on the page where he couldn't see the word written. He got it wrong again. Wow! This poor kid. How does he even understand what most people say with such poor retention? His sensory processing is way off. That he can appear normal to anyone is remarkable. His hiding strategy may be the best under the circumstances.

  I encouraged him to listen to The Phonics Discovery System 5 Stories tape. While I couldn't guarantee it would work, it was worth trying. No, he wasn't resistant. He just couldn't remember. Did he brush his teeth every night? No. He couldn't remember. OMG! That he's as functional as he is is a miracle. When I have trouble remembering, I create little reminders for myself. I suggested he tape an old toothbrush to the bathroom mirror as a reminder; also that he set his alarm clock for bedtime to remind him to turn on the tape. I was not optimistic.

   We went back to the spelling of -tch. Wrong again. I got an idea. How about applying the homunculus idea, which I use so the conscious mind can communicate with the unconscious mind. I have only used it so far for the conscious mind to inform the nonconscious that a situation isn't dangerous. Today, I used it to get information from the surface of the sensory-perceptual system into the working or long-term memory. It worked.- I hope. At any rate, he remembered the -tch spelling. Amazing.

   I left immediately after the session. I needed to go to Petco. I wanted to drop off several boxes of liquid flea and tick protection to Kares. When I called the other day to find out where to deliver the donations, the woman told me they would be a Petco on Friday until 2 pm. I've switched Elsa to the pill because her skin is irritated by the liquid protection. I also needed to pick up more dental chews for her. They're her before-bedtime treat. She had to do without yesterday. 

    I walked into the Petco and asked where Kares was. "Across the parking lot." Damn. My ankle hurt. I didn't want to walk that far. I found some dental chews and geared up to get to the Kares setup. Instead, I got in my car and drove to that spot. Absolute genius! I didn't even have to get out of the car. I asked for a receipt. I could get one by email. I wrote my information on the paper bag containing the flea and tick protection boxes.

   I wanted to do additional shopping while down there but didn't have the time. I had an appointment with the stem cell folks at 1 pm. Everything takes more time than I expect. I've never been very good at estimating time. I made it to the appointment with time to spare, but not much. 

     Steve, the doctor who does the stem cell procedure, was an orthopedic surgeon. He said he got tired of not really helping people. I'll believe that's half of his reason. The other: he got sick and tired of all the hard work involved in surgery and wanted an easier gig that made good money. All he has to do now is stick a long needle into my hip. Today was the last supplementary treatment that came with the stem cell infusion package. I had appointments every three months for the year, alternating between ozone and platelet injections. Today was the latter. I asked Steve about my ankle. Was it a result of my needing a THR, or was it a result of all the improvements I made? If the latter, a THR would only make the ankle worse. He emphasized the need for rest, which I have been avoiding. Can you imagine? This ankle problem hit 23 days before I met my 360 days straight of 10,000 steps. It took me several days before I could let go of that. Now, I had to accept that I had to find some other form of exercise in the interim. 

     On my way home, I stopped at Alan's house to get his number so Mei could speak to him. Earlier in the day, when Isaac and I were standing on the street talking, Mei came rushing out to me. They were having a rock wall built. They wanted a high one. Their contractor told them he could build one five feet and ten inches. It would have to be permitted at six feet, which would take four to six weeks. Today, the contractor announced he would only build a four-foot wall because of a new ruling requiring permitting for walls over four feet. Mei was beside herself. They need a high wall to hide all their Turo cars. They plan to have fifteen. They also checked the contractor's information. There hadn't been a new ruling affecting permits in the last three months. The contractor was lying.

    I told Mei about Alan, who lived around the corner, had a high rock wall built. She should speak to him. She called to tell me he wasn't home when she went around there. I stopped by on my way home, hoping to catch him. He was home and put his number into my phone, which I promptly sent to Mei. 

    I rested for an hour and a half after I got home. Then I went up to Judy's. I met up with Judy and Howard on their wonderful lanai. Aside from all the pleasure I get from being with Judy, Howard, and Paulette, I had a special high moment. I remembered Mike's foibles and how I felt about them. My heart filled with love. Many of his foibles made me smile. I got this huge grin on my face. I could feel my face smiling and my eyes shining with love and humor. Why is it that he made me feel that way? I thought he was just the cutest, sweetest thing on the planet. I doubt I would feel that way about someone else behaving toward me the way he did. Hmmm! I feel that way about Damon often. You're not to think I forgive all their offenses with such loving kindness. No, I'm not that good- sadly, sadly for me. It feels so good to be so forgiving. I miss feeling that way. I don't think of missing Mike. I miss the me I was around Mike. I miss being someone who loved that much. I often told him that. "I love you so much; it's just plain silly."

    I started watching the latest version of All Creatures Great and Small. Then Herriot had to put down a horse. I couldn't stand the tension. I found Midsomer Murders. Mike and I used to watch it together. I was not quite as satisfying as the Durrells in Corfu, which was the best, but it is good enough.   

January 14, 2022

 January 14, 2022

 

    I had my weekly session with Shelly, my therapist/life coach. I worked on the function of anger in my life. Yesterday, as I was driving to the optometrist, the question, "What is the value of anger in my life?" came to mind. I know it has a function. It would have been extinguished from our emotional palate long ago if it didn't. More to the point, what was the value of how I used anger? Shelly said it makes us feel powerful, especially when we feel weak. Each of us has to ask ourselves, "Does my habit of listening to fear and anger serve me at this point in my life?" There are specific questions to be asked.  

   My mother lived with me for the last eighteen years of her life. One day she said something about not being the same person she was when she was younger. She didn't say what she was referring to but used some words that made me think she was referring to her frequent outbursts of anger. She wasn't sure becoming less angry was a good thing. I'm about the same age she was at the time. I have always battled with my anger. While I have improved over the years, I have never achieved my goal. I know I hated that behavior in my mother. Her violent verbal assaults were terrifying. I didn't want to do that to anyone else. Mike got it the most, although he never got the worst. When someone scares me, that's when it gets bad. I hate it in myself. Besides not liking the impact on other people, I also feel it weakens my position. Ah, yes. That's the other end of this behavior. I could see my mother coming. My dad was quiet and manipulative; he snuck up on me. I didn't want to be like him either. There must be a pathway between.

   Poor Damon had to hear me complain. I asked him if he could take it. It became clear the other day he couldn't. He feels he has to do something. Not good. He advised me to avoid repeating the same complaints; it does no good. Here's the problem: I have found solutions when I dwell on a negative subject; sometimes, a way out appears. Is the opposite of struggling to give up and live in hopelessness? Can I have hope unsupported by anger? The image that came to mind was me floating in choppy waters while holding on to some flotation device; the water splashed into my face, filling my mouth. I saw it as the final scene from the movie The Truman Show. My experience was being observed or orchestrated by someone else. 

    I left for my chiropractor appointment right after getting off the phone with Shelly. I was hoping the problem with my left foot and ankle was a misalignment problem. Yes, misalignment may have something to do with the hip.    Her treatment is likely to work. She used her little popper to hit certain spots in my foot. While the foot still hurt and was swollen, it didn't hurt as badly as it had. I was hoping, praying it was a temporary situation. The chiropractor said the problem with my ankle may result from my hip. Even if it is coming from the hip: is the problem the tightness of the hip, or the increasing movement in the hip is a result of everything I've done? It's clear; there is more movement in the hip.    I bought a package of five treatments and made two appointments for next week. 

    I drove up to Judy and Paulette's for a visit. I spent more time with Judy's husband, Howard. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation. When I drove home, I passed Lutz completing his final round for the night. I parked the car on the street because we've been keeping the front gate closed. The chain-link fence that separated the upper driveway from the lower and confined Yvette's dogs was broken. The front gate is a heavy wooden thing the width of a two-lane road running on a bent metal bar. I asked Lutz if he could help me with the gate. He waited while I got out of the car. I had Elsa with me. She loves to visit when I go up to Judy and Paulette's because they have a cat. Ah, cats! When I opened the door, Elsa charged out towards a car coming down the road. I saw Lutz grabber her retractable leash, which was in full extension. He told me she got in front of the car and lined herself up with the wheels. If he hadn't pulled her back, the driver might not have been able to stop in time. I wondered what Elsa would do if she had the chance. Now I know. I had hoped she would just run alongside the vehicle. Guess not. Scary.

     I tried to start up the tablet again. I had the same problem as I had the other day. I couldn't get the keyboard to respond. I tried the trick Tommy told me; I detached the tablet from the keyboard and reattached it. No good. He came over again. He looked at the keyboard and declared, "It's old." What do you mean? It's only five or six years old. Really? Old? He advised me to pick up an external keyboard from Target. I can get one for $20.

    Tommy also said the addresses he sent me for my videos were good. If I used them, I would find myself in the middle of the video because that's where I left off. However, if someone viewed the videos for the first time, they would see it from the beginning. He said he sent me an email with the correct addresses. 

   Elsa came to me to be picked up without the benefit of a firecracker going off. She relaxes in my arms these days. Most accurately, she wraps herself around my neck like a stole.  

She stayed there while I wrote on the computer. I moved her to my lap. I have a dog that acts like a cat. I don't know if this is good or bad. She sat on my left arm as I typed, blocking my view of the screen with her head. We all have our own priorities.

  I haven't been reading much of Brainscapes, even though I'm in the most interesting section. We use the same part for imagining and solving math problems. It's the working memory part of the brain. Fascinating!

Thursday, January 13, 2022

 Thursday, January 13, 2022

 

    Wow! I slept straight through to 5 am. I didn't get up once to pee during the night. I probably didn't drink enough water yesterday.  

     My calf muscles were tight. That problem was coming from the hip or the back. As I sat in my old lady chair working on the blog posting for the 13th, I could feel spasms traveling down my leg from my glutes. Oh, boy. I haven't had this for a while now. It may be possible that even the ankle problem is coming from the hip. If that's the case, it is time for a THR. 

    I meditated for an hour. I was no longer in a thoroughly agitated state of mind, but I was still unhappy with certain aspects of my life. I have been clearing out people with whom I cannot negotiate changes. My mom was like that. Everything had to be her way, or she was devastated. When I told her she was hurting me with constant criticism, she told me I was saying that to hurt her. It was a dead-end. One person in my life said she couldn't take any criticism. Now that's an honest response. I understand where she is coming from. I know her family. It was a nest of control freaks who always had to be right. If you didn't see it their way, something was wrong with you. I have worked my ass off not to be that person myself. I hated it in my mother. 

   I had a Cryo appointment at 10:45. I had problems with my calendar. I couldn't find the entry for the Cryo. I received several email reminders but couldn't find them. I texted and called the place but got no reply. I finally found the email and made it to the appointment by 10:45.

    Today I had a full body treatment and a local on my ankle. I have trouble communicating with the woman who runs the Cryo. We're like bumper cars. I feel anger from her. She may be an angry person in general. She has a smooth, controlled veneer, but I feel no warmth from her. It's like a joke: no warmth from someone who dispenses cold. My skin temperature today dropped to 52. I said it was colder immediately after she took my temperature. She said no, it was the same as always. I said it was 55 last time and 52 today. I was confused why that wasn't colder. I'm really not as swift as I used to be. It took me a few minutes to figure out that she was referring to the temperature of the nitrogen and not my skin. 

 I always ask a lot of questions. I like to understand what is happening. Some people love that trait; some people hate it. I don't know where this woman lands on this subject.

   I left the Cryo around 11:20. I had an appointment with the optometrist at noon. I thought I would have time to stop at the Club's café to pick up one of those delicious open Greek salad sandwiches. I didn't have time if I wanted to make it to the optometrist by noon. I headed out.

   As I suspected, there was no hurry. I had a long wait before being seen. My time was well spent. I finished Gladwell's David and Goliath on my kindle.  

    The optometrist's receptionist doubles as a tech. She did several procedures to test my eyes before Meali'inani saw me. I told her I heard she was expecting. They have two small dogs. One is pregnant. Meali'inani showed me a picture of the event. She had just texted Sandor the female was in heat. She caught them in the act an hour later and snapped that shot. In two weeks, they will have puppies. A dog's gestation is only two months. Amazingly, a living thing can be produced so quickly.   

  Meali'inani and Sandor were not expecting to be parents. Of course, it's a little naïve to think otherwise when you have an unneutered male and an unneutered female in the same house. That reminded me of one of my favorite jokes.  

   A vet visited an elderly woman in her home to check on her cat. The woman had noticed a swelling in the abdominal area. Something was clearly wrong. The vet checked her and said,: "She's pregnant." The woman said, "She can't be. She' never goes out of this house." At that point, a large tom came out from under the sofa. The vet asked, "What about him?" the woman exclaimed in horror, "He's her brother!!"

   My eyes have been doing a little better of late. They don't get blurry quite as fast. However, my macula pucker is worse. I had my extra set of glasses made into a progressive bifocal with blue coating for reading and computer use to relieve the eye strain. I had to pick out a new frame for my second pair of regular glasses in case something happened to the ones I usually wore. Instead of being a progressive trifocal, these will be bifocal too, just far and near. The last time I picked frames, Mike was with me.

   Meali'inani ordered drops for my eyes which might help with the macula pucker. She asked what pharmacy I usually used, Long's or Costco. I answered Costco. This is an example of the flaws in my mental processing. It didn't occur to me to say "KP," where I usually get my meds. I stopped off at Long's on my way home. Long's doesn't accept KP insurance. These were expensive. I want to get the drugs through KP before paying for them out of pocket. I don't know if KP accepts prescriptions from non-KP doctors. Looks like I'm going to find out.

   I watched a documentary on Linda Ronstadt. She had some voice. I love her work. Then I started watching Masterpiece Theater's new version of All Creatures Great and Small. Mike and I watched the older version many years ago.    

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

 Wednesday, January 12, 2022

 

   I took all the supports off my ankle. I tried to reapply the KT tape before I went to bed. It was all messed up in the morning. I can walk fairly well if I hold the walking stick in my left hand, supporting the full range of motion in my right hip and leg. That allows me to keep my body symmetrical and put my ankle through more range of motion.

   I felt a little lost in the morning. This has been coming for a while. I have experience with it being the darkest before dawn. If I can sit with it peacefully, I can make it to the other side in better shape than ever. 

     Yesterday, poor Damon had to ask me not to complain about something going wrong in my life. I agreed with him. I have said something to him before about having to draw a halt to something that makes him uncomfortable. Now that I know how he feels, I have to make more effort to not go on and on. It’s too much for him. I told him he could say, “Hey, Betts, remember our agreement,” with a rise in pitch. I will probably get scared if he says, “B-e-t-t-y,” with a lowered tone. 

  In the 70s, when Mike and I were first together, I was having difficulty with a commune member. I was going on and on. One morning Wednesday, Mike said, “I love you dearly. You have till Friday to fix it. After that, I don’t want to hear about it.” I found it a great relief. 

   Damon pointed out that my complaints were circular; they didn’t go anywhere. Unfortunately, or fortunately, sometimes I have found a solution in doing this. However, it requires a great deal of mental and emotional energy. I love to work things out. It drives me nuts when I deal with people who don’t relish the activity. I love my method. A problem between people is an opportunity to deepen the relationship, and learn more about the other person and myself. 

   I can’t fault those who do not want to operate this way. I see many who manage to have perfectly good lives. The function of anyone’s way of dealing with life is how well it works for them, not everyone else. Of course, if you’re dealing with downright immoral, if not illegal, behavior for others, that’s another matter. If someone’s behavior is harmful or hurtful for themselves or others, it’s time to change. 

   I finally managed to wash Elsa for the second time this week. Her skin condition improves with more medicinal baths.

   I had a haircut appointment. I was good and ready. My mom used to say that hair doesn’t sit well if we’re not doing well, either physically or emotionally. Mine has not been looking so good. 

     Randee was very welcoming. I feel loved there. We all prefer to be somewhere where we’re welcome. I told her I was feeling down. I asked her about her parents. Her mom had just left her dad the last time I was in. Apparently, this separation has been forty years in the making. They’re still separated, but her mom isn’t ready to take any more action, like divorce or moving her stuff out of their shared home. Her dad sounds like he’s ready to move on.   Randee’s oldest boy will turn 18 in two days. She said, “I did it. I kept someone alive for 18 years.”  That is a parent’s primary goal with their child. Randee seems to have good kids.

  The check from one of my clients arrived last night. I went to the bank to cash two checks, some for deposit and for cash in hand. I had this overly friendly teller. He was probably inappropriate for most people, but he was a joy to me. He talked about himself and made extra efforts to help me. I was confused. My low spirits leave me mentally not as sharp. Has there been some systemic change, or is this just a momentary dip? Being physically, mentally, or emotionally in a bad place has always impacted my sharpness ratio. Hopefully, this, too will pass.

   I did some work on the Phase III video, tweaking the slides. It’s not a lot, but it’s more than nothing.

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

 Tuesday, January 11, 2022

 

      I was up and dozing by 3:30 again. The underlying discomfort persisted. I dreaded tutoring. I’ve had it, struggling to get people to do things they’re not good at and don’t want to do. It’s so wearing. I meditated and dozed. I always wind up dozing when I meditate. I know; you’re supposed to stay awake. Not my strong suit.

  My ankle was bothering me again. Walking was difficult. I took ibuprofen. It had to be bad for me to do that.

  There was a funny smell I associated with a chemical or electrical fire. I went outside to check and saw nothing. I continued a short walk on the street. When I returned to the house, I still smelled it in the laundry room and the library. This was concerning. I figured better safe than sorry and called the fire department. I went out in the street to wait for the trucks. While there, I called my neighbors across the street to tell them what was happening. Charlie answered. He said Marcia saw a truck putting out a lot of smoke on a neighboring street. That must have been the source of the burning smell. I immediately called the fire department to cancel. While I was on the phone, I could hear the trucks approaching. I told them the situation. 

       One of the firefighters asked if I had a Boston accent. Well! Confusing a Boston accent with my Bronx accent! Have you ever? I gave him a run for his money. It was a fun exchange. They came in to check anyway, even though I told them I found the source of the problem through my neighbor. I think the firemen get bored sitting around all day.

   Half an hour after they left, Darby called to ask what was happening at my house. She saw the fire truck. She told me there had been a truck on the street running perpendicular to ours that had been spinning its wheels. A few minutes later, her house was flooded with the strong smell of diesel fuel.   That must have been what I was smelling. Sorry, I don’t know the difference between a chemical and an electrical burn. 

    Every morning, I check the stats on the blog when I download the day’s post. The Turks had disappeared, but the Indonesians were still going strong. The simultaneous rise and fall of numbers from a region supports the theory most of my visitors are fulfilling a class assignment. They are happy to stop reading the posts once the assignment is completed. 

   I also checked the stats on my Phonics Discovery System videos. The numbers on Phase I are rising daily. Just one or two regularly, but that is huge. I hate to put the new version on and lose momentum. That’s what happened with the 5 stories.  

   My phone brought up an old photo of Mike. It must have been after his kidneys were in failure. He was asleep in bed, napping, and Elsa was lying on my side, keeping him company. I remember saying to Mike, “And the best thing about you is you’re mine.” Boy, do I miss having a person who is mine.  

  We’re keeping the front gate closed because there’s a problem with the chain-link fence, which keeps Yvette’s dogs confined to the lower forty. Yvette and Josh went for a medical appointment, leaving the gate open after confining the dogs in the house. I pulled my car out to the street, knowing I would have to leave later and couldn’t deal with the gate alone. I had an appointment with my PT, Terry. 

   I arrived at the appointment with a swollen ankle. Terry did whatever work she could. I had an appointment immediately afterward for a Cryo treatment. I requested local treatments. I needed two: one for the ankle and the second for my lower leg, the left side of my calf. 

  I usually have an appointment with third-grade A at three on Tuesdays. There have been several sessions when they have been a no-show. When I contacted the mom, she told me she had been busy. No apology. She puts out that I’m supposed to know whatever she has in her head, and how dare I not see it her way. Not a style I do well with. 

    I had sent her a message asking if everyone was okay or ghosting me. She called while I was on the phone with someone else. I had two more phone calls right after that. When I got around to calling her, I saw a text message. She told me I was ridiculous. I was unprofessional and disrespectful. I wasn’t sure what behavior she was referring to. Again, I am supposed to figure everything out without her giving details. Today, I realized A was attending a private school, not a public one. I was never told that. The public schools started on the 3rd. I assumed he would be home by the 6th. She said that was the day they traveled, and, as usual, they were very busy once they got back.   She is always very busy. She said something that sounded like she was firing me. Then I got another text, to which I said, “We’re done.” 

   She was irritated the exchange was happening by text. There were two reasons for this: 1) I sensed she was manipulative, and 2) I didn’t do well in a verbal confrontation. I get snarky. It’s terrible. I wish I had control of it, but I get scared.   It’s all irrelevant. I have wanted to quit this connection for a while: first, for all the missed sessions that weren’t canceled beforehand and for the lack of apology. Second, she was overtly uncooperative with something I recommended. I asked her to play my 5 Stories audiofile for her son. I couldn’t guarantee it would help, but I have had a surprising degree of success. It was worth trying. Given how disabled he was, I resented struggling with the parents’ overt lack of cooperation. I hope A is advanced enough that some other tutor can help him move forward.  

   I had problems with Mike’s tablet, which I use for tutoring sessions because it has a touch screen. I couldn’t get the external or internal keyboards to work. I called Tommy. He was out with his girlfriend and said he would stop by. How’s that for service? The problem was the connection between the screen and the keyboard. All he did was separate them, reattach and bibbity, bobbity, boo. 

    Tommy also explained what he had done with The Phonics Discovery System videos. When he reloaded the 5 Stories video on YouTube, the visitor count went from 195 to zero. I assumed he reentered it when he changed the title page. He made a similar change to the Phase I and Phase II videos, but he must not have reentered them because the visitor number didn’t drop. He told me he could change the title page on I and II without uploading them again. He couldn’t do that with the 5 Stories video. He told me he was impressed with my numbers. I and II are always set to start at the 6-second mark when I see the YouTube videos. Tommy said that’s just for me. If I wanted to forward the link to others, I had to make sure videos were set to zero. This is fantastic information.

   I watched Our Friend last night with another outstanding performance from an Affleck, Casey. These boys are good. Both Our Friend and Tender Bar are memoirs written by journalists. They both are genuine and have quiet moments. Ah, wonderful!

Monday, January 10, 2022

 Monday, January 10, 2022

 

    My hip was great, and my ankle was better. I made it to the bathroom several times during the night without difficulty. I woke up around 3:30 and dozed until I got up at 7 am. It is so dark out at 5:30 am; I don’t like to get up unless I must. I lay there feeling an emotional discomfort, the type you can feel in your body. I’m in the middle of a shitstorm. I am facing serious problems which will affect me financially. While I have cause to feel depressed in my current situation, the loss of Mike (loss of comfortable, silent companionship, and the most delicious hugs and kisses), and Covid social restrictions, this sensation feels familiar. I remember it from when my sister was born when I was 4 ½. I remember because I had hoped the situation would improve with her birth. It didn’t. Nor did it get worse. I never resented her presence and the attention she got as an infant. My response was to become a whirling dervish. I believe I took up a lot of oxygen when I was young. I was scared to death. 

      I sat with sensations that felt like they were just under all the layers of the skin. It wasn’t at the surface. Is this depression part of us just waiting there to jump out when we are not busy, or are there people who are genuinely not vulnerable? Do we have to keep busy doing anything that occupies our mind: reading, gardening, listening to music, exercising, working, parenting, etc., etc.? How much of this is the human condition, and how much of it is person-specific? I don’t know how we could determine that. Some people don’t think they’re depressed, but they compulsively do something or another to cope. Anyone who watches them in action sees the psychological problem. They’re the only ones in the dark. I don’t exclude myself from the list of self-blind. Learning about myself is a lifelong project, layer by layer by layer.

   I made many phone calls today, each one fairly long. However, I was delighted when my three tutoring sessions didn’t work out. I am so confused these days. I am having trouble feeling okay within myself. I called adolescent D at 4 to remind him to get on Zoom. He answered and said he was canceling for the day. Yay! Then I got a text from the mom of M & W. “Are we meeting today?” I changed our schedule on Sunday. I know I recorded it in my calendar as we talked. Nonetheless, there was no record of it. Damn! And Yay! I’m in no mood to wrestle with an unhappy student who would rather be dancing- doing anything other than this work.

   I watched another rom-com with an unlikely situation, And So It Goes, with Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton. Keaton posed as a lounge singer. She was delightful. Rob Reiner came out from behind the camera to do a cameo. It was relaxing. Well, at least it didn’t add to my stress by being either edgy or so stupid I couldn’t stand it. Some of these rom-coms are pushing their luck.

Sunday, January 9, 2022

 Sunday, January 9, 2022

 

   My ankle felt good during the night, even when I had to get up and pee. It felt fine for a good part of the morning walk. I even poked the spot right in front of my outside left ankle bone, and it didn’t feel sore. After walking, 2000 steps this morning, it started throbbing again. I felt it mainly on the bottom of my foot. I don’t know if it’s on the mend or if the problem is caused by something higher up the chain. Only time will tell.

  Damon and Jean, my friend, called this morning to answer my calls last night.

   The Germans have completely disappeared from my blog site today- nary a one. I consider this proof that this was a class assignment, and it’s over. However, Turkey has picked up the slack. I don’t know if this is one teacher who wanders from country-to-country teaching English or several teachers. It is weird.

   I was so busy with phone calls I forgot I had a 9 am appointment. I looked at the clock to find it was already 9:09. I called M & W’s mom. I apologized for running late and asked if we could start at 9:30. Sure. I finished posting today’s blog entry before signing on for the Zoom session. 

   I started with third grade M. This is the third day her performance has been poor, back to when I started with her. She even had trouble hearing the individual phonemes. I called mom after I was through with fifth grade W. I told her what I saw with M. She said she thought M wanted control. I understood that to mean she wanted everything her way. I’m not sure I ever had the right interpretation, given what mom said later. Mom said she saw a regression in other aspects of her life. It was her job to put away the silverware. She usually is meticulous about putting everything in the correct place. Now, she is just throwing them randomly into the drawer. I saw all this as an indication that M had lost control over herself. Mom asked if I knew what could cause this mental regression. I asked if she had had a head injury. The cause could be psychological or physical. I didn’t know. Mom said they were thinking of getting her a therapist. I don’t think that’s a bad idea. Hopefully, child therapists are better than many of the adult ones I’ve had to deal with. I don’t know if I can help.

    Mom told me that M’s teacher had assessed her reading. The results showed no improvement. This was weird because both mom and I have seen improvement. She said M thought she did well. She had no idea. Mom also thought the testing might have triggered this change. That’s good news in a sense; we have a diagnosis. However, I did comment to M about being afraid. She insisted she wasn’t. I’ve never dealt with so many closeted people in my life.   I wondered why God was doing this to me, surrounding me with introverts. Thank God I have others that are nothing like that.

    I did some good work on the Phase III video today. I’m getting a better idea of how to organize it. On the other hand, my Phase I and Phase II videos have been reloading on Facebook.  

   Jean, my friend, recommended the movie The Tender Bar. It was as wonderful as she said it was. Ben Affleck is amazing in it. It’s a coming-of-age story. Affleck plays the uncle of the young man. If I didn’t know who Affleck was, I’d have a crush on him.     

Saturday, January 8, 2022

 Saturday, January 8, 2022

   It was cold this morning. I checked the temperature at 7 am as I did my morning walk. It was 62 degrees at the airport. We're always 4 or 5 degrees cooler up here. That gets us down to the high 50s. Remember, we have no heat here. Many people don't have air conditioning either. I wasn't uncomfortable sleeping. I can close off my bedroom area. Between holding in the temperature from the day and the body heat Elsa and I throw off, it's comfortable. I have an extra blanket if I need it, too.

   I came across an unexpectedly large flock of turkeys this morning, 24 in total. The largest flock I've seen so far is 13. I wondered how large the flock has to become before we consider them a nuisance. You know how humans are.

   I had my appointment with the M & W sisters today. First-grade M told me about all the books she's reading. She had one with her and read it to me, The Rabbit's Tale. While she read, I frantically tried to find the reading level. It's considered beginning first grade. That's pretty good for independent reading. I still enjoy reading children's books. However, she continued making mistakes she hadn't made since she started. It was a concern.    

    I had W read the story we had been working on. She read it very well after not having worked on it for a while. She made a few errors on function words but caught the mistakes and self-corrected. Her speed was good. She made only one content-word error, reading run as raced. Raced would have been a better word choice for the story-more interesting. 

    We reviewed the story she started writing the in a previous session. She experimented with two conditions; it was a two-by-two. She had written about three of the situations out of four. It sounded good enough. She asked to write a new story.

       She started dictating rapidly, too fast for me to type. The objective of dictation with W is learning to write what she composes. That requires holding the plot structure and each sentence as she composes them in her head. She admitted she found writing her thoughts difficult because her mind raced ahead of her hand. Dictating the sentence to me gives her a chance to practice slowing down and holding the thoughts in her head. She has to give me the words one at a time, retrieve the rest of the sentence, and then the next word while holding the macrostructure of her writing in mind. That's what we all have to do if we're going to write. 

     She said she was impatient. "Impatience runs in this family. No, my dad is okay. My mom is impatient." I had no contact with dad. My impression of mom lines up with W's. She's not easily satisfied and is easily displeased. I introduced a visualization to quiet the anxiety, which causes impatience. I did the homunculus visualization with her to deal with the fight, flight, freeze response generated by fear. W has the fight response. I said she didn't do that with me because her mother would have her head if she treated me that way and respected me. She said both. However, working with her was a grueling experience. I feel her discomfort.

  I had adolescent D later in the day. He remembered how to spell first in five tries using the Fernald method. Fernald has the student write the word, cover it, and write it again, repeating that pattern five-time. Yesterday, when we tried that, D only could spell first correctly three times before he lost the pattern. This shows some improvement, although I'm not sure in what. 

   Today, I could work on spelling using a word family pattern. We started with the word WAY. He had no idea how to spell the long a sound in this word.   I tried him on other words using that spelling, play, and day. He didn't remember how to spell them. I gave him every meaningful word ending with -ay, using only a single initial consonant, bay, day, fay, gay, hay, jay, kay, lay, may, nay, pay, quay (I gave him the qu), say, and way, and then a few with consonants blends using two letters, bray, clay, dray, gray, play, pray, stay, and tray. After presenting most of the list, he was confused about how to spell -ay in a word. I said, "I am controlling the pattern. I am only giving you words that end in the spelling. You can predict the spelling from the pattern." It is generally a problem with D; he doesn't see patterns.  

    I spoke to his mother today. I asked her the other day what she had seen that indicated he had spatial problems. She said he couldn't play a sport even as a young kid. He would be running around randomly with no idea what was going in. He would try to get the kids to engage with him another way, talking to them.  

  On the other hand, she gave me some spectacularly good news. D watched a foreign film with subtitles with his dad the other night. He would stop the movie to read the subtitles. His dad said he was stunned he could read the words he could. He started crying. This is amazing in so many ways. D made an effort to read it at all. He stopped the video, making accommodations appropriate for his reading needs. He did all this in front of his dad, with whom he was less comfortable than his mom. And finally, he was able to read the subtitles. Wow! Wow! & Wow! I  read mom a passage D read today without error at a reasonable speed. Sorry I didn't record it. 

   My Master Card bill arrived today. I checked my payments; sure enough, there were two recorded payments to Charity Navigator. I have yet to receive an email receipt from them for the first payment. They told me they had sent it but would send it again. Then I still need a receipt for my second session with them. This was a substantial amount of money. They wrote back they had no record of it. I sent more money to another twenty charities. They said they had no record of my payments. I told them I would get back when I got my statement. Here it is. There is no question I made a large -for me- payment to Charity Navigator. I wrote them my payment details, date, and item #. Let's see what happens. If Netflix can keep track of me, I'm sure someone at Charity Navigator can. It isn't a brand-new site. I can't imagine I'm the only person who has this problem with them.

    Judy and I played phone tag during the day and finally made contact. I asked if I could say something about Paulette. I wanted joint silence when I spent time with her on the lanai. Instead, she yakked the entire time. I was concerned about the situation. I couldn't do that again; it added to my sense of deprivation. Fortunately, Judy said, "You're on speakerphone, and Paulette is sitting right here. Don't say anything bad about her." Thank God. I spoke to Paulette directly about my need to sit in silence. I explained to both ladies how I lacked opportunities for parallel play with someone I was connected to. You know. You hang out with a partner; they do what they do, and you do what you do, but you are together. It's not the same as doing that at a bus station because those people feel no connection to you. I am exhausted by the thought of one more conversation. It's not that I don't value the conversations and all the people who care about me. I do. You'd better believe I do. Not having the other is draining my energy. I dreaded the next conversation.

   Therapist throw, or used to throw, out the comment, "You're a human being, not a human doing." That was always a prize-winning meaningless statement for me when it wasn't downright untrue. Ask anyone with nothing to do, no job to go to, nothing to take care of how they feel. We are a species that needs to feel we have something to do in this world. Those who don't have that need are classified as mentally ill. What does it mean to be a human being? To be expected to do nothing? To be in a complete state of rest? To be by ourselves, not making any effort to interact with the other person, and to be enough, to be perfect.

    I bathed Elsa. I was supposed to do this several times a week to help her skin lesions. I was proud I finally got myself on a once-a-week schedule. She hates it. She sits still, but she shakes the whole time. She doesn't shake like that for firecrackers.

    On my public blog site, Germany has gone from several hundred pages to 1. This is confirmation that someone uses my blog for their class assignments. When the class is over, the group disappears. No one stays on to continue reading it.  

  Yvette sent me a Sarah Millican video. She's an Irish comic. She's good. What's weird is she throws out profane words. I remember when Lenny Bruce was arrested for using language like that. This dowdy, overweight housewife mixes it in every other sentence, and everyone laughs. No one is shocked. Millican's humor is good. It's not all profanity; hers is well-timed and fun.

 

Friday, January 7, 2022

 Friday, January 7, 2022

   My ankle got stiff lying in bed. When I got up to go to the bathroom, it presented a challenge. I had to be careful not to make asymmetric changes in my body to compensate for the dysfunctional foot. I couldn’t move my left foot through a full range of motion while walking. I adopted what I am calling the Tim Conway shuffle. Does anyone remember him from the Carol Burnett show?   While it looks ridiculous, it works. I could be pain-free and symmetrical in my movement. 

    When I had adolescent D today, I got him to agree he needs to work, so he doesn’t have accidents where he confuses the order of the letters even while the image remains stable. (An unstable image is a different problem.) Dash first will admit that it’s worthwhile changing. He still argues the error is not a serious problem. I say that little error is as serious as hitting the gas pedal versus the brake when driving or vice-versa. Yes, it’s a small error. After all, the brake and gas pedal are only inches away from each other. However, it is a fatal one. If it happens more than once, you shouldn’t be driving. Likewise, confusing which letter comes first is a disaster in reading. It should never happen. You should understand that it is serious error when it does.    

    I told D that if we don’t solve this problem, someone will in his lifetime. Scientists are figuring out how the brain works and how to help people whose brains do not work appropriately for the needs of our culture; reading is necessary in our culture. 

  I had him write the words on his forehead. I had him ask his mind to ‘show him’ (visual representation) or tell him (auditory representation) the letters in the word. When he does recall the letters in a word, I asked him how he remembered. I am always cultivating metacognitive strategies. “Notice what works and develop that strategy.”

   I had my second appointment this week with my PT, Terry. After seeing the podiatrist, I could tell her there was no break and only mild arthritis in the ankle. She worked on releasing the inner thigh muscles more. Hopefully, this will all have some bearing on my ankle, and I will walk again without pain. 

          Judy and Paulette stopped by and asked if they could sit on my lanai. They are not vaccinated, so I insist on maintaining distance. They were speaking about the back lanai in the open air. You hear me refer to an indoor lanai, a large screened-in porch that is part of my general living area and considered inside the house. I know this must sound weird to those not living in the tropics. This is one reason people move here- to always be in nature. I was exhausted. I had a client scheduled in 15 minutes and needed downtime.

   I had a session with the M & W sisters. I always start with first-grade M. There was something weird going on. She was reading the way she had when we started. Why was this going on? She said she was tired. Okay. We’d see how she would do tomorrow. However, the difference was concerning. She shouldn’t have been making mistakes like this anymore under any circumstances.

   For fifth grade W, I tried to get up the story we worked on. I couldn’t find it on the computer. Then the icons went wonky. I tried to start a new document. The keys didn’t work. I told her we would cancel. To tell her mom I had only worked with her sister that morning.  

   A little later in the day, I checked the computer. The icons looked better, but they weren’t 100%. I wasn’t too concerned. The last time it happened, Tommy came over to check. He couldn’t find anything wrong and said Microsoft probably did a download, and it disabled my computer. What is this about? I restarted the tablet, and all was well. Everything was back to normal.

   I watched Wine Country, another girls’ buddy movie. The difference between a boys’ buddy movie and a girls’ buddy movie is interesting. Now that we have more women producers and directors, things are looking up for us girls.

Thursday, January 6, 2022

 Thursday, January 6, 2022

 

   My ankle hurt this morning. Walking to the bathroom was a challenge. Before I took Elsa out, I ran the massaging gun over my thigh and foot, both the bottom and the top. I could feel a problem with the metatarsals of the fourth and fifth toes. 

    I went for a shorter walk than usual. I only completed 1500 steps. Yesterday was the thir

 d time this year that I didn't make my goal of 10,000. I have 23 days left to make my goal of 360 days. Occasional forgiveness is built in. A missed day isn't counted if you made your goal the previous six days. I was determined to make my goal and then decided it would be better to think of my ankle. It is difficult to know when you're better off pushing through or resting a sore body part. Making that decision based on some unrelated goal didn't make sense.

   I had yoga this morning for the first time in a week. Yvette canceled our Tuesday class because she had been exposed to someone whose son had Covid and needed to be tested. (Yvette's test came back negative.)

   I had Yvette put on my yoga toes this morning. We have been avoiding putting it on the little toe of the left foot because it felt forced. Today, I had her include that toe. It wasn't as tight as it usually is. It hurt a little bit for a while and then resolved. This gave me more evidence the problem was with the metatarsals instead of the ankle. There was no sharp pain in the ankle during yoga, and the swelling reduced. 

  When Yvette puts my yoga toes, it is a good opportunity to examine my toenails. Yvette clips them for me after yoga once a month or so. Last month, I noticed the middle toe on my left foot had a yellow cast. I figured it was toe fungus, but my understanding was it was no big deal. Today, it looked like the toenail was lifted off the nail bed. Time to do something about this situation. I found a YouTube video on the topic. Okay. This is more of a problem than I thought. The problem can be treated with over-the-counter products if caught early on. Mine was well advanced. I need prescribed medication for this problem. 

   Today in yoga for the first time, I experience NO pain in my upper left thigh, NONE. This suggests that the ankle pain results from the improved condition of my upper leg and hip joint. I can only hope the ankle problem is temporary. I canceled my doctor and chiropractic appointments in favor of seeing PT Terry again on Friday afternoon. She seemed to be on to something. She detected some thickening tissue in that sensitive spot on my ankle. She was working on dissolving it with a massage.  

   Besides a pain-free yoga session, I had a surprising degree of movement in my left hip joint. My PT Katie said that with increased mobility after THR, I would probably suffer problems with my left foot because it was hypermobile to compensate for the rigidity of my left hip. The increased mobility in the hip would be too much for my poor foot.

   Terry taped my foot yesterday, much as Katie had. I had taken off Katie's tape at night. I could apply it myself with some ingenuity since I couldn't reach the foot. Terry had put the tape on in a pattern I wouldn't be able to do on my own. I went to bed with it on. This morning Yvette said you can leave this tape on for three to five days. She also slipped a sock-like thing with an inserted arch support I bought at some point. Who knows when or why! Terry worked on getting my foot into a neutral position. I couldn't fully feel the position she wanted me to hold. But it was clear that I needed an arch support. This gadget is worth a try. Chiropractors have tried to sell me arch supports forever. They cost a fortune and can't be worn with Crocs, my only shoe style. This will have to do for now. 

   Yvette also put on the looser pressure socks I ordered. She bought me a pair a while ago. There is no way I can get them on. She thought these would be easier for me. They are, but they aren't different from a regular sock on my relatively slender non-diabetic leg. Since I have neither condition, these socks are loose on me. They fit me like a regular sock. 

    I called Kaiser to find out when I had to be there to have a walk-in appointment today. I decided I needed an X-ray of that ankle to ensure there was no break or fracture. If not, I can pursue more aggressive treatment, chiropractory. I also needed a prescription for my toe fungus. The next problem would be figuring out how to apply it since it's on the toe of my left foot, the one I can't reach. The appointment secretary was able to make an appointment for me for 4 pm today. Perfect.

   Concerned the toe fungus would spread if I continued wearing a sock, I had to find a way to get it off. Yvette said she was leaving at 10, and I couldn't see her car in the driveway. I knew the neighbors had workmen at their fence line installing the rock wall. I figured I could get one of them to help me. Only one man was working there at that moment. He was securing the frame for the rock wall tower at the driveway entrance. I asked him if he could help me get my left sock off. I can get the right one off myself. He said, "Are you serious?" Yep. I can't reach it. This is Hawaii, and I am an auntie. We are treated with respect here. Lucky to live in Hawaii is no joke! There are so many wonderful things about living here. There's also the constant possibility of obliteration if Mauna Loa blows.  

       My home is not on Mauna Loa; it's on Hualalai. The flow from Mauna Loa wouldn't reach my house, but it would wipe out life as I know it here. The airport and downtown Kona would go. Apparently, my home isn't in a lava flow spot even if Hualalai blows. How do I know? The insurance company needed information, so we had to look it up.

  I had an appointment with third grade A. He was a no-show. Obviously, third-grade A is not responsible. This is the fourth or fifth time this has happened. Worse yet, Mom has given up apologizing. Instead, she says indignantly, "I was busy." I have hung on because I seem to be helping A., but this is it. They will have to pay a penalty fee for each missed class without letting me know, or I will quit. Quitting would be the best option. I can't imagine mom apologizing, no less agreeing to pay a penalty fee. She may be a millennial.

    At three-thirty, I left for my doctor's appointment I had made this morning. I was concerned about being just any doctor instead of my primary, who I just love. But it went well. He ordered an X-ray. Even better than the X-ray, he told me to come back up once I was through with the procedure. I was given a laminated blue sheet, saying X-Ray on it. It wasn't for the X-ray technician; it was for the nurse calling in the next patient. Within minutes of seating myself in the waiting area, I was called in. 

      The doctor said he could see he wasn't looking at a twenty-one-year-old's ankle and lower leg. But neither was he looking at a badly worn leg of an eighty-one-year-old. It was apparent even to my eye there were no fractures or breaks. He spotted a small bone mass on the inside of my ankle. The space between the bones still looked pretty good. All told, it was clear this was a sprain. He agreed this was an old injury kicking up. He also agreed it could be because of the changes I had made in my hips, creating greater mobility there putting strain on the hypermobile ligaments in my foot and ankle. He gave me some exercises; write the alphabet with my left foot; get range of motion without putting weight on it.

   The bad news was my ankle was not in good shape, and I couldn't walk normally. Moreover, I can't complete my goal of 10,000 steps in 360 days. I was 23 days short of my goal. It was hard letting go, but I made the healing of my ankle my priority. The bigger concern now is not exercising for a while and going to seed. Damn!

   The good news is walking up the steps was a breeze. My left hip didn't bother me, and I had more strength pushing up the stairs. I thought I was close to running up the stairs. At least, I had that image in my mind. I hadn't had a thought like that in fifteen years.  

    I checked on the relationship between Betty White and Ludden's kids. As I suspected. It wasn't an easy shift. The kids had just lost their mom, and their dad was madly in love with another woman within a year.  

   There's a weird factoid about Ludden. He was married to his first wife for 18 years before she died. Then he was married to Betty White for 18 years before he died. My mom had that pattern -18 stints. She worked for a company in Berlin for 18 years before she came to America to marry my dad. She was married to him for 18 years before he died. Then she lived with Mike and me for 18 years before she died.

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

Wednesday, January 5, 2022  

   My PT Katie recommended I apply heat to my sore ankle before going for my morning walk and ice it when I get back. Instead, I tried massage. I used the massaging gun on the outside of my left shin. I was able to walk 2,500 steps with only some discomfort.  

    She told me to elevate my foot. I pulled over the coffee table from the sofa. That wasn’t very comfortable. I remembered the hassock Mike bought for one of the lanai chairs. It wound up being the same height as my chair. With both legs up, I got a big stretch in the muscles on the back of the legs. That had a surprising result. 

          Katie said rest might be a good idea. I was not up for it at the time. I was 24 days shy of my goal of 10,000 steps a day for 360 days. This morning, I let go of that ideal. If I don’t heal my ankle, I’ll never make ten days in a row again, no less 360. That ankle really hurt! How much of this could be fixed by THR? It would be a crying shame if it didn’t improve my situation but made it worse. Many people develop knee problems requiring knee replacements after hip surgery. The ankle bone is connected to the  . . ..  etc.

    I could take several short walks without too much pain, but it did later. I got some steps in taking out the garbage.

   I had PT with Terry. She felt some hard tissue on top of the ankle. The criteria for a THR  should be based on the results of imagining, X-Rays and MRIs, and pain levels. Every doctor I have worked with has encouraged me to have the surgery even though I’m not in terrible pain.

    I had an appointment with adolescent D at noon. I already had to change it because of my PT appointment this morning. I got out of rehab after 11. I wanted to go to the bank and Costco. 

   I drove past the bank. The parking lot was full. That meant a long wait. It occurred to me I would be getting another check in the mail soon that I would have to deposit. Why not wait until I deal with both checks?

    I went to Costco, desperate for their mild salsa. I bought a medium salsa from them the last time. I loved the mild I bought there originally. I bought another bag of whole-grain chips, lemons, and blueberries, but not salsa. I could only find the medium salsa. It’s too much for me. I miss those lovely jars of mild salsa. It suited me perfectly.

   I ran into D’s mom in the Costco parking lot. She knew he and I had been negotiating a time to meet today. Our last agreed-upon time was 12:30. She said he couldn’t make it then. They had to be somewhere at 1 pm. We could do it later. We agreed on 4 pm.

     Paulette had called yesterday to invite me to sit on the lanai while she sewed the curtains. I loved sitting there, alternating between quiet and talking as we sit in the lovely breeze. It didn’t work out today. When I was free, Judy and Paulette were at the beach. Judy had her phone with her. She said it was so windy it was downright unpleasant. The water was cold too. They couldn’t go in. 

   I listened to a Betty White documentary tonight. She sounds like a joy to work with. However, there was no sign of Alan Ludden’s kids, who she helped raise. Weird.

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

 Tuesday, January 4, 2022

 

    Katie strapped my foot with KT tape. She hooked it under my heel and then crossed the straps in front of my shin, making the one coming up on the outside of my left leg tighter than the one on the right. My ankle still hurt, but less. Now, I had to figure out a) how to get it off at night before I went to bed and b) how to put it on in the morning. I knew I had several rolls of tape, but I couldn't find them. I had looked in my drawer with my physical aides before but couldn't find them. I had looked in the 'forever' closet in the hallway and couldn't find them there either. Today I made a more vigorous attack on the drawer. I found it tucked in the very back of the drawer, not just one roll but two. Getting it off was pretty easy . I used my right foot to roll it down and then off. Now, I had the challenge of figuring out how to put it on myself in the morning.

   First, I measured the tape. I folded it in half as Katie did to determine which part went under my foot. On my first try, it was clear I would have to do more. When I put my foot down on the tape, I stood on the paper, covering the sticky part and the exposed tape. I picked the tape up and cut off some of the paper in the center. I could place my heel on the tape without touching the paper. Then I had to get the section of tape lying on the floor to the left of my foot off the floor. I used my grabber. As handy dandy as it is, it is not ideal for picking up pieces of paper. I managed. I got the tape in my hand and pulled it across my shin, freeing it from the rest of the tape. Then I had the other side to do. My job looked a lot like Katie's. An untrained eye wouldn't know the difference. My eye didn't. I can't imagine I did it perfectly.

     I was feeling lonely and somewhat depressed today. My response was to promote more silence, not less. I switched off the radio and just sat with that feeling.

    Yvette called to say Scott couldn't fix the leak in the garden watering system. I called Keep It Green. Steve's voicemail said he wasn't accepting new clients. I'm not a new client, but I last called on him a few years ago. He has never been a quick responder. We'll see.

  I have sessions with Adolescent D. on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays when school is in session. When I signed in yesterday, he was surprised. While the Public schools are back in session, the private schools are off for another week. We rescheduled for today. We started on a new passage. He misread paint as plant. It was the third word in the passage; he couldn't use context clues. I reminded him to start with the vowel ai. When the word family unit isn't secure, as in ain, I always say start with the vowel. I wrote down ai and asked for possible sounds. He said the short e. Ai is sounded like the short e in the word said. Then he gave me the long I sound. I reminded him of the rule," When two vowels go walking, the first does the talking."  

     He was familiar with it. He had heard it from other teachers. I asked him what the first letter was in ai. "I. I'm not stupid." OMG! I was stunned. He is fifteen. Reading letters in English from left to right should be automatic. I tried to talk to him about it. I didn't know what to say. I remained silent. He said I was overthinking it. I assured him I wasn't thinking. He said, "It's no big deal." He even compared it to some walking into a room and going right instead of left. This is classic dyslexia, classic. In his case, I don't know what it is. He was arguing with me that the order of the letters wasn't important. Is this partially a conceptual problem? I can see the letters switching on him. We've come across this problem before in other forms. The letters move from one position to another. This is different.

    The bad news is I don't know yet what the cause is. The good news is it may be an easy fix. Once D understands that the letters in the English language are always read from left to right, no ifs buts or maybes. In ai, the ai always comes before the i. If you say the letters in the word said as 'd-i-a-s, you understand you are saying them backward. You understand that the a still comes before the i, and the i comes after the a.  

    We also worked on sending information to his long-term memory. He can hold information in his short-term auditory memory but cannot either send it to long-term memory or retrieve it from long-term memory. I did one of my famous diagrams showing him 'the path' to long-term memory. He had trouble understanding the concept. I drew an analogy to how a computer worked: you have the screen and the PC's long-term storage. Nowadays, the computer saves everything automatically. In the bad ole days, we had to save a document deliberately. If we didn't, it was lost. He can't use his long-term memory effectively. Determining where the breakdown is is another matter. However bad his auditory recall is, his visual recall is worse. He can't remember something he's seen two minutes before.

  Today, while he was dictating the sentence to me, one letter at a time, I forgot one. It was a name. Then it flashed across my visual imagination. It just appeared. That's how memory works; at least, it still works that way for me.

   Judy told me that a mutual friend of ours who is a medical provider is unvaccinated. She said his elderly parents are also unvaccinated and have had Covid three times without consequence. She mentioned another doctor who goes to our church who is also unvaccinated. "You should see the statistics," she said. There are so many possibilities to be upset about. 1) they're wrong and have been swallowed by a conspiracy theory, 2) they're right, and something truly sinister is going on at a worldwide level. I'm not concerned about myself. I'm old. If there is something seriously wrong with the vaccine, so be it. On the other hand, I worry that my friends will get Covid and die. Where do I start?

   I had one of the dozen bagels Damon, Cylin, and August sent for Christmas. The assumption was they would be here to help us indulge. Eating them daily is not for me. I froze them. I'll eat one every third day. I had to buy cream cheese, lox or smoked salmon, Bermuda onion, and some tomatoes. It was easy to get most of this at Safeway. However, lox. What's that? Where do I find it? I finally tracked 4. oz of smoked salmon for $11.50 in the fish section. I asked Judy where she bought hers. Costco. $10 for a 1lb. That's more like it.  

     

  Musings:

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Been thinking more about the issue of selfishness versus unselfishness.

 

As those who know me know, I believe we only do things for selfish reasons. Denying this fact is one of the most dangerous things we can do to others. 

Being selfish does not mean we don't consider others' needs. We can be the most giving people; we do that for selfish reasons. 

I can hear people saying, "You don't know what it means to sacrifice for others; if you did, you would never talk about action being selfish." Whenever I have to choose between two things I want, I have to sacrifice something. Sacrifice is on a continuum. I have done things for others that I have loved doing, and I have done things that made me uncomfortable and that were downright grueling.

For Mike to become a deacon in the Catholic church, he had to take classes for four years, mimicking the semester system of colleges. Only one problem. I also had to attend. I had no interest in the classes. They were very boring. I had no desire to venture out two nights a week and sit in uncomfortable straight chairs for hours listening to people talk about subjects I had no interest in and interacting with people I had nothing in common with. Only one problem: if I didn't attend, Mike could not become a deacon. Attending those classes was the greatest sacrifice I made in our forty-five years of marriage. I didn't do it just for him. I did it because I wanted this for him. I thought being a deacon would make him happy and fulfilled, and I did what I had to do to make it happen.  

        Sending Mike off to Catholic University for six years while I remained in Princeton was not a sacrifice of that order. Finding a full-time job to have insurance was not a sacrifice of that order. When he was studying at Catholic, we spoke every night, and he came home every weekend. He was so happy in his life as a scholar. His happiness made me happy. I wanted him to be happy. Notice I said I. I wanted to live with someone happy with his own life instead of unfulfilled. It was completely selfish of me to want a happy husband. 

I think of sacrifice as on a continuum. There is something I give up; in exchange, I get something. Since Mike was more relaxed and joyful while in school than he had been at work, the plus side was more significant than the minus. I was looking at both immediate and long-term benefits. The plus of the long-term benefit carried me through when sitting through those classes. There were no short-term benefits.