Monday, January 10, 2022

 Monday, January 10, 2022

 

    My hip was great, and my ankle was better. I made it to the bathroom several times during the night without difficulty. I woke up around 3:30 and dozed until I got up at 7 am. It is so dark out at 5:30 am; I don’t like to get up unless I must. I lay there feeling an emotional discomfort, the type you can feel in your body. I’m in the middle of a shitstorm. I am facing serious problems which will affect me financially. While I have cause to feel depressed in my current situation, the loss of Mike (loss of comfortable, silent companionship, and the most delicious hugs and kisses), and Covid social restrictions, this sensation feels familiar. I remember it from when my sister was born when I was 4 ½. I remember because I had hoped the situation would improve with her birth. It didn’t. Nor did it get worse. I never resented her presence and the attention she got as an infant. My response was to become a whirling dervish. I believe I took up a lot of oxygen when I was young. I was scared to death. 

      I sat with sensations that felt like they were just under all the layers of the skin. It wasn’t at the surface. Is this depression part of us just waiting there to jump out when we are not busy, or are there people who are genuinely not vulnerable? Do we have to keep busy doing anything that occupies our mind: reading, gardening, listening to music, exercising, working, parenting, etc., etc.? How much of this is the human condition, and how much of it is person-specific? I don’t know how we could determine that. Some people don’t think they’re depressed, but they compulsively do something or another to cope. Anyone who watches them in action sees the psychological problem. They’re the only ones in the dark. I don’t exclude myself from the list of self-blind. Learning about myself is a lifelong project, layer by layer by layer.

   I made many phone calls today, each one fairly long. However, I was delighted when my three tutoring sessions didn’t work out. I am so confused these days. I am having trouble feeling okay within myself. I called adolescent D at 4 to remind him to get on Zoom. He answered and said he was canceling for the day. Yay! Then I got a text from the mom of M & W. “Are we meeting today?” I changed our schedule on Sunday. I know I recorded it in my calendar as we talked. Nonetheless, there was no record of it. Damn! And Yay! I’m in no mood to wrestle with an unhappy student who would rather be dancing- doing anything other than this work.

   I watched another rom-com with an unlikely situation, And So It Goes, with Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton. Keaton posed as a lounge singer. She was delightful. Rob Reiner came out from behind the camera to do a cameo. It was relaxing. Well, at least it didn’t add to my stress by being either edgy or so stupid I couldn’t stand it. Some of these rom-coms are pushing their luck.