January 14, 2022

 January 14, 2022

 

    I had my weekly session with Shelly, my therapist/life coach. I worked on the function of anger in my life. Yesterday, as I was driving to the optometrist, the question, "What is the value of anger in my life?" came to mind. I know it has a function. It would have been extinguished from our emotional palate long ago if it didn't. More to the point, what was the value of how I used anger? Shelly said it makes us feel powerful, especially when we feel weak. Each of us has to ask ourselves, "Does my habit of listening to fear and anger serve me at this point in my life?" There are specific questions to be asked.  

   My mother lived with me for the last eighteen years of her life. One day she said something about not being the same person she was when she was younger. She didn't say what she was referring to but used some words that made me think she was referring to her frequent outbursts of anger. She wasn't sure becoming less angry was a good thing. I'm about the same age she was at the time. I have always battled with my anger. While I have improved over the years, I have never achieved my goal. I know I hated that behavior in my mother. Her violent verbal assaults were terrifying. I didn't want to do that to anyone else. Mike got it the most, although he never got the worst. When someone scares me, that's when it gets bad. I hate it in myself. Besides not liking the impact on other people, I also feel it weakens my position. Ah, yes. That's the other end of this behavior. I could see my mother coming. My dad was quiet and manipulative; he snuck up on me. I didn't want to be like him either. There must be a pathway between.

   Poor Damon had to hear me complain. I asked him if he could take it. It became clear the other day he couldn't. He feels he has to do something. Not good. He advised me to avoid repeating the same complaints; it does no good. Here's the problem: I have found solutions when I dwell on a negative subject; sometimes, a way out appears. Is the opposite of struggling to give up and live in hopelessness? Can I have hope unsupported by anger? The image that came to mind was me floating in choppy waters while holding on to some flotation device; the water splashed into my face, filling my mouth. I saw it as the final scene from the movie The Truman Show. My experience was being observed or orchestrated by someone else. 

    I left for my chiropractor appointment right after getting off the phone with Shelly. I was hoping the problem with my left foot and ankle was a misalignment problem. Yes, misalignment may have something to do with the hip.    Her treatment is likely to work. She used her little popper to hit certain spots in my foot. While the foot still hurt and was swollen, it didn't hurt as badly as it had. I was hoping, praying it was a temporary situation. The chiropractor said the problem with my ankle may result from my hip. Even if it is coming from the hip: is the problem the tightness of the hip, or the increasing movement in the hip is a result of everything I've done? It's clear; there is more movement in the hip.    I bought a package of five treatments and made two appointments for next week. 

    I drove up to Judy and Paulette's for a visit. I spent more time with Judy's husband, Howard. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation. When I drove home, I passed Lutz completing his final round for the night. I parked the car on the street because we've been keeping the front gate closed. The chain-link fence that separated the upper driveway from the lower and confined Yvette's dogs was broken. The front gate is a heavy wooden thing the width of a two-lane road running on a bent metal bar. I asked Lutz if he could help me with the gate. He waited while I got out of the car. I had Elsa with me. She loves to visit when I go up to Judy and Paulette's because they have a cat. Ah, cats! When I opened the door, Elsa charged out towards a car coming down the road. I saw Lutz grabber her retractable leash, which was in full extension. He told me she got in front of the car and lined herself up with the wheels. If he hadn't pulled her back, the driver might not have been able to stop in time. I wondered what Elsa would do if she had the chance. Now I know. I had hoped she would just run alongside the vehicle. Guess not. Scary.

     I tried to start up the tablet again. I had the same problem as I had the other day. I couldn't get the keyboard to respond. I tried the trick Tommy told me; I detached the tablet from the keyboard and reattached it. No good. He came over again. He looked at the keyboard and declared, "It's old." What do you mean? It's only five or six years old. Really? Old? He advised me to pick up an external keyboard from Target. I can get one for $20.

    Tommy also said the addresses he sent me for my videos were good. If I used them, I would find myself in the middle of the video because that's where I left off. However, if someone viewed the videos for the first time, they would see it from the beginning. He said he sent me an email with the correct addresses. 

   Elsa came to me to be picked up without the benefit of a firecracker going off. She relaxes in my arms these days. Most accurately, she wraps herself around my neck like a stole.  

She stayed there while I wrote on the computer. I moved her to my lap. I have a dog that acts like a cat. I don't know if this is good or bad. She sat on my left arm as I typed, blocking my view of the screen with her head. We all have our own priorities.

  I haven't been reading much of Brainscapes, even though I'm in the most interesting section. We use the same part for imagining and solving math problems. It's the working memory part of the brain. Fascinating!