Saturday, July 6, 2019

    I stopped off at Safeway to pick up a whole grain baguette, one of my dinner mainstays.  There was none on the shelf.  I asked one of the workers, and  I walked out with one that was still warm.  Hmm! Then I went to Costco to get air in my tires; the warning light was on.  I pulled up in front of the open bays and sat and sat and sat.  I must have waited a good 5 minutes.  My east coast temperament was saying, "Don't just sit there. Get out and find someone. Ask them what's going on." I had to remind myself that this was Hawaii, and I wasn't in a hurry.  Eventually, someone came out and asked me if I wanted air. Yep! By the time I left, there were two cars lined up behind me.
    I was tired when I got home. Too tired to work on the blog.  I played FreeCell for awhile. After that, I started the washing machine with today's Bikram stuff for Scott and me, and whatever extra laundry Katrin and I had.
    I was rereading the early entries in the blog yesterday to edit them for going online. I came across an incident when Mike was in the ICU for the first time when a nurse told him to relax and stop thinking.  I blew up. I consider that a cruel thing to say to someone even when they are not as incapacitated and vulnerable as Mike was at that moment.  It has taken me years of training to silence my mind and calm it when it gets worked up.  Mike had no such training.  I asked her if she could do it; she said yes.  She said she could see he was the type of person who thought too much.  I have no idea how she got that idea from a man who was flat on his back with tubes going in and out of him and drugged,  unable to communicate with anyone.  Maybe she was psychic and picked up that Mike was worried about himself and me. I guess people who are not intellectuals don't do that. Really??  A better solution would have been to tell him what to do or sing a lovely soothing song, something positive instead of instructions not to do something. I wish I had reported her.
    On the other hand, Mike's response was to ask for the notebook so he could write something.  He wrote, "Be gentle." I still prefer the idea of ripping her a new one.

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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.

    Unfortunately, so many people think they accomplish good by declaring themselves good.   I spoke with my therapist today about the phenomena of people who think they haven't hurt others simply because they didn't intend to.  She said she sees it, particularly among step-mothers. We didn't discuss this at length, but I assume that these women ignore how difficult the situation is for their step-children and only focus on how they are being mistreated.
    When I got together with Mike, I had a friend who said, "Make sure he gets rid of that kid.," meaning Damon, who was a small child at the time. She didn't mean he should kill him, but as far as she was concerned, the child's presence would ruin our lives.  I can see that she might think that from what she has observed in the second marriage to some of her friends.
    I would never, and I mean never, have stayed with a man who abandoned his child. And I mean never.  Second place, while Damon did give me grief ignoring me, and even avoiding conversations with me, I was deeply committed to him.  Periodically, I would breakdown and weep. Then Mike would call Jean, Damon's mom, and she would encourage him to treat me somewhat better. I saw he was in a difficult situation., conflicted by his loyalty to his mom and what I knew was he love for me.  I felt sorry for him.  I also loved him right from the beginning.  I still love him. I made a commitment to that child through my commitment to Mike.  I wouldn't have had it any other way.
    Fortunately, all the adults in Damon's life were civilized people.  I don't mean there were no problematic moments and no acting out, but we were all able to remain civil. We all worked together to create a unified family for Damon.
    What do I have now?  I have Damon, who is there for me now that his dad is dead.  He loves me.  I also have another sister, Jean, Damon's mother. We love each other.  My life is so much richer for my commitment.  I made my contribution to this outcome, but I could never have done it alone.
    My ability to empathize with Damon and even Jean's point of view has netted me a great reward.