I got up at the usual time, did the usual things, and went to Bikram. I’ve started feeling a good stretch in the back of my left thigh and inner thigh. Those muscles have been tight since I’ve been 19.
When I got home, I showered and was ready for my telephone appointment with my therapist. She is someone I started working with in Ohio. I’m not working with her because my life is a mess; I’m working on becoming a better, even less reactive person. I worked on my anger with a family member, figuring out why I am so reactive to her. Some of it makes sense. She is annoying on several counts and has a history of simply erasing me from the picture. I don’t think any of it is intentional. I think some of her behavior would simply be amusing if we had a strong positive bond as well, but we don’t. I remember asking her mother why she didn’t like me shortly after I met her. Her mother said, “Oh, she really admires you.” God protect me from people who admire me more than they like me. I’ve learned that it is a toxic mix. Also, the relative seems to be incapable of holding the concerns of two people at the same time. She divides the world into victims and villains. She concentrates on what she considers the most injured person, and everyone else doesn’t count or should back her up as she addresses the chosen person’s needs. I might be able to overlook her behavior, but since I don’t believe she has ever really liked me, those behaviors are totally unacceptable.
When I got home from Bikram, I returned a call from an old friend of Mike’s, Bobby. I had emailed him to tell him Mike had died but had no response so suspected he never got it. I texted him the information. He called me while I was at Bikram. I called him back while I started sorting papers. Now, I haven’t spoken to Bobby for 6 years, but Bobby and Mike knew each other long before I came on the scene. It was one of those friendships that runs deep even though they didn’t see each other much. We’re all getting old. Many people find the prospect of a long airplane flight to Hawaii or from Hawaii daunting. Bobby and I compared notes on ourselves, our spouses, and the children in our lives.
After that conversation, I had to get to work on my taxes. This has been a frightening prospect. I had done some work just before Mike got sick on January 25. (Note my diligence.). The paperwork was still sitting on the dining room table, waiting for me to come home. Yvette had bought all first-class mail to Honolulu when she came over. There were a lot of tax forms. Immediately after I got home, other activities took precedence: planning the funeral, sorting out the financial situation, learning the hula, writing my eulogy, writing obituaries, deciding on the container for Mike’s ashes, working on the remembrance book with Zola, working on the photograph panels with Damon, and getting the one pot of flowers we’re allowed to have for the funeral because it is Lent.
I had sent out announcements through people who were responsible for the mail list for the several Bible study classes Mike conducted. I had them announce that anyone who wanted to get a single book or just visit Mike’s library of three thousand books could as long as they did it before March 28 when John would start scanning the books for the catalog. Zola, Karen, Jacquie, and Lina visited today. The ‘searchers’ had free range while I worked in the living room on my taxes.
Kelly, the daughter of a good friend, dropped by as the others were leaving to give me an orchid plant and offer condolences. She just sobbed. Mike and I had been there for her when she ran into some trouble a year or so ago. Kelly has very fond memories of Mike’s role in that incident. She now runs a very successful cleaning company in the Kona area. She offered to do some cleaning for me. Ah, I asked her if she could clean the guest side of the house and make the beds in anticipation of the family arriving.
Kaiser Permanente sent two sets of forms for my tax records. One was a running record with a total clearly marked at the end. The other a bunch of individual documents for each service. I had no idea what these were about. I called the Kaiser Permanente accounting department. Apparently, the relevant information was supposed to be highlighted, which it wasn’t. I wasn’t very pleasant on the phone with the clerk. I was so frustrated, and I passed it on to her. She put me in my place. She said, “Do you want me to explain it to you, or do you want to let off steam?” I shut up, but probably the more accurate response would have been that I wanted to let off steam. The running record was for professional services; the individual documents were the hospital fees. Mike spent a lot of time in hospitals last year. To boot, he had two people being tested as donors requiring a lot of hospital time.
I did more work on the taxes. I found some missing information for Tiaa Cref and tallied the medical and charity expenses for 2018. I realized I was missing some receipts for the dialysis and my therapist. I will call tomorrow.
I worked on Sundays’ entry until Don and Brenda arrived with Thai food. I walked Elsa while they set the table. (Do I have people trained, or what?} They were wonderful dinner company. There was lots of laughter and some memories of Mike. I laughed with Mike a lot. He found me funny and learned to love my wild leaps of imagination, making connections between things he thought had nothing to do with each other. For dessert, we had Judy’s apple pie and the Hagan Daas Vanilla ice cream they left when they were here on Sunday. After dinner was over, Brenda cleared the table and started putting dishes into the dishwasher. There were some clean dishes in there already. I had to put a stop to that. I wash my dishes by hand and use my dishwasher as a convenient drying rack. Yes, I know. If I don’t run it occasionally, it will break. I do sometimes run it, usually without dishes.
When Don and Brenda left, they took the three photo panels for the funeral. They came out fantastically well. Brenda will put them up at 7:30 am on the day of the funeral. After they left, I realized I forgot to include Mike’s diploma from Catholic University for the 2nd Ph.D. and his NADD award. I knew he was proud of that.
I did some more work on the taxes. In the process, I discovered the pharmacy bills were not there. I think I was planning to start the process of getting them the day after Mike collapsed. Oh, boy getting those suckers in time for the taxes will probably be out of the question. I have to fill out a release of information form. That form is then sent to the pharmacy department, which then has 14 (fourteen) days to get it to me electronically.
When I think of Mike, the sadness is not about my current life without him, but about how he suffered from November on with the dialysis and then excruciating pancreatitis. When he was in the hospital, I offered to take turns with him, as he offered to relieve me of my hot flashes. We never figured out how to do either switch. I didn’t writhe in pain watching him suffer, but it did make me sad, and still does.
I watched ‘Forever’ on Amazon Prime with Maya Rudolph. I highly recommend it. It’s slow in the beginning. It’s about a married couple living together after death. (You’d think I’d have more brains than to watch a show like that at this time.) Their marriage is tedious in the beginning, but in the final episode, there is a resolution that is very real to me. They are honest with each other for the first time, and they play a word game that is special to them. Not a very exciting game, but a playful shared act. It reminded me of my marriage with Mike and what made it such a delight, both the honesty and the simple playfulness.
I walked Elsa, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa. Good night, Mike.
