I set up the alarm for 8 am. I had to be ready to be picked up by Judy and Paulette at 9:30 instead of prepared to leave at 7:30. I finally figured out why I'm so tired on Sundays. It's because I throw off my sleep schedule by sleeping in. I woke up at 5 am and was ready to rock and roll but made myself go back to sleep. Understanding my problem made me feel a lot better. I stopped associating my tiredness with depression due to a lack of Bikram or a lack of Mike.
We had a priest I had never seen before in church today. He's retired and covers for vacationing priests. He was joyful and playful on the alter. I loved his sermon. It had some meaning for me, but I can't remember what it was about now for the life of me.
It started pouring during mass. We ran to the car when the storm let up a little. I wasn't going to be able to do the gardening I had planned because of the rain.
When I got home, my car was gone. "Yikes!" was my first reaction. Then I thought that Kathrin probably took it to go to Bikram this morning. She hadn't asked me, and I couldn't find a note immediately. Unusual. I finally found a note in the kitchen. She didn't want to wake me when she left at 7:30. A little disconcerting, but she was right. (Notice: I didn't notice the missing car when I left at 9:30.)
After my shower, I went to lie down on the couch. The blankets I leave lying there were gone. I leave one to cover the couch, so my body oils don't stain, and the other to cover myself. I figured Kathrin took them to throw them in the wash with her and Yvette's Bikram stuff. When I said something to her, she said she hoped that providing me with clean blankets would make me feel good the way the clean sheets had. Can't ask for more. She sure as hell isn't a 'Millennial!
I tried to get the Sunday NY Times on my Kindle. I couldn't. I had switched the kindle program to some book I wanted to read yesterday, but then I couldn't get back to the NY Times. I finally called Amazon Customer Service. I had to press the word 'filter' to switch back. This is the problem with giving the company constant access to your device; they do updates which change the program and leave you high and dry.
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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.
Brooks talks about politeness being the core of morality. I think he is talking about respecting other people's boundaries. The word politeness reminds me of the word manners. Manners can be systematized. I am reminded of an incident where I was accused of being impolite. (This is not to say that I haven't been impolite any number of times in my life, particularly when I was younger.)
In this case, Jean called to ask me if I could drive her father home because she was busy. I took him from Princeton, NJ to downtown Manhattan, a good hour and a half to two-hour drive. When we arrived, her father told me to come up because his wife (Jean's self-mother) had prepared lunch. I thought I had devoted enough time to this favor. I wanted to head back home, another hour and a half to two-hour drive. I was to learn that Ceil was outraged at my rudeness; here, she had prepared lunch, and I wouldn't stay to eat. I wasn't hungry; I was anxious to get home; I felt that I had done enough and shouldn't be asked to do more, i.e., stay for lunch. Which one of us was rude? I think you could argue that I showed a lack of consideration for a woman old enough to be my mother, who was stuck in a different conceptual world than I was. I feel the same way now about my decision to go home as I did then. I quote St. Tereasa de Lisieux," It is a sin to make a gift and obligation." Was I obliged to give me to make Ceil comfortable?
However, respecting boundaries is very important. Even here, there is lots of room for interpretation. I am sure that one of the reasons I put off getting into a long-term relationship until my thirties is because of this problem. Mike and I came from homes where our boundaries were not respected. Both our mothers approached everything with hysteria when they didn't get what they wanted. I was able to reconsider my position when I heard a story about George and Martha Washington. I heard that they always addressed each other formally as Mr. and Mrs. Washington. Ah!! To me, this meant they knocked before entering. I had no idea that was even possible. Very early in my relationship with Mike, I proposed a method for securing our mutual boundaries: the use of the life-saving tap.
I learned the life-saving tap in my life-saving gym class in my sophomore year of college. Life-saving techniques have to be practiced in the water. This means that we paired up; one of us has to be the drowning person and the other the life-saver. People who are really drowning are not calm and cooperative. They often grab the person who is the saver and push them under the water to get themselves above and get access to air. Therefore, the "drowning" partner in this practice has to struggle as part of the exercise. It is impossible to know if either party is distress. Ergo the life-saving tap. If either party is having trouble, they tap twice with a single finger on their partner's body. With this, there is an immediate end to the exercise, and both parties can swim to the surface and recover.
I proposed to Mike that we use this whenever one of us was distressed with the other's behavior. We agreed that we should stop on a dime unless it was a life-threatening situation. Kudos to Mike and me. We were able to use this method effectively. I can imagine someone more concerned about having power abusing this solution. Unfortunately, I don't think there is any trick that guarantees mutual respect and caring. It is up to the individuals in the dyad, or in any group.
Mike and I continued using the life-saving tap for at least ten years. Then it fell away. I think we knew enough about each other's boundaries and trusted each other enough. Also, I suspect we had developed different ways of telegraphing our needs to each other. That is not to say there weren't incidents of boundary violations throughout the remaining years of our marriage. We were good, not superhuman.
Those who are very reserved see me as being without boundaries. Mike would criticize the way I approached workers in stores to ask for information. He said I had to say," Excuse me," before I asked my question. I explained to him that I only said that if I hadn't already interacted with the person nonverbally through body language. He finally left me alone.
I've been in restaurants and observed what someone at a neighboring table is eating. If there is sustained eye contact, I might ask what they're eating. There have been occasions when someone has offered me a taste of their food. I love interactions like that. Mike wondered where he could hide and deny he knew me. I only do with others what I am comfortable having done to me. Even this rule, "Do unto others as you would have others done unto you," isn't hard and fast. I am extroverted; I do unto others as I don't mind or even enjoy having done unto to me, but that isn't always comfortable for the other person.
I see myself as a freelance comedian; I will make somewhat inappropriate comments meaning to be funny. Humor is the unexpected delivered with good timing. Mike would sometimes criticize my humor. I would explain to him that it was a poorly constructed joke. He loved my sense of humor but was all over me when one of my comments hit a sour note. No, I am not the type of person who says, "I'm just having fun," to justify making someone else uncomfortable. But, I'm not the only person who is guilty of the social faux pas. I make them in the process of taking risks; others make them in the process of avoiding risks. But we all make them. Anyone who thinks avoidance is a get out of jail free card has another thing coming to them.
