Mike's death; Betty's life...: 01/02/26

Friday, January 2, 2026

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Wow! I slept well. I am so much calmer. I broke the hold the fear had on me. Ah!! I spoke to Dorothy on my morning walk. We talked about grammar. She was working on conjunctions with a student of hers. When I hear conjunctions, I think of and, or, and but. That’s the level of most of my students.

I told one of my walking acquaintances that I saw only four of the eight of the clutch of chickens yesterday. I assumed that four had gone the way of all cats. She said no. They were right by the fence, and she saw more. She said the chicks were growing up and wandering further from mom on their own. I hope so.

I tried to connect with K’s kids this morning. They signed in, but I couldn’t hear them. They struggled to figure out what the problem was without success. I gave up for the day.

At 9, I had a session with my life coach, Shelly. Where my sessions with her have been an indulgence, opportunities to learn more about myself and the human condition and grow, now, they have become a necessity. I have had a tough time this year. I often feel as I did before I met Mike. His love helped me to center. It alone didn’t do the trick. I stayed in therapy, trying to heal old wounds. Of late, I have been shaking inside again. I remember feeling this fear in the past.

The other day, I could say, “This is my mom’s fear,” and just observe it in her without taking it into my body. This is the first time I have been able to do this. My mom suffered from PSTD. She had a load of traumas in her life. There was a very painful medical procedure she had to suffer in the first six months of her life. Then she lost her dog, her father left for the front in WWI, leaving her and her mother on their own. His return four years later was just as traumatic. She observed the overthrow of the monarchy from her bedroom window. Then there was the r rise of the Nazis when her boyfriend, my father, was Jewish. She immigrated to the USA, and then there was WWII. That war started in Europe in 1939 when she was pregnant with me. I was born on December 5, 1940. The Japanese blew up Pearl Harbor for my first birthday; okay, they were two days late. This got the US into the war. Besides having to live with the fear the Germans might win the war, my parents had to deal with the fear of Americans attacking Germans on the street. My parents stopped speaking German to me because a child in a baby carriage was attacked because he spoke German. Given all this woman went through, she did a remarkable job as a human being, a wife, and a mother.

But my generalized fear switched to a specific fear of two therapists I had who approached me with the clear understanding that something was wrong with me. I told one that my mind was always active. I could hear it writing stories. She said that would be the case with me. I suspected at the time that what I was experiencing was normal. Now, I have scientific proof of that. They know that the default brain hums along thinking about social connections and situations. This is true for everyone. I’m different because I’m aware of it. Now, that mental burbling is not the same as obsessing. Obsessing is different because it involves conscious thought, and it’s repetitive. The underlying default brain burbles along like a babbling brook. I felt the therapists responded to me as they did because they were afraid of me. I know my mother was, but I didn’t understand that when I was a child. Frightened people are dangerous. They see their actions as self-protection rather than attack. If they are aware of their fear, they don’t question it or the validity of their actions. We’re all guilty of behavior like that. I try to monitor myself. While I may be aware of the irrationality of fear, that does not mean I have complete, if any, control over my behavior. So sad. I feel out of control when I am scared. I hate it. I try to protect people from my behavior by acknowledging its inappropriateness, but that doesn’t do much good. I scare people.

Now, I dealt with the image of their fear and how it transformed them into monsters and stayed calm. In my imagination, the two therapists said, “No one likes you,” which my mother always told me. I made them back off by saying, “Michael loved me. Michael liked me.” I felt deeply loved and liked by Mike. Did he like everything about me? No way. But he liked the things about me I needed to be liked for. He satisfied my bottom line.

Right after that meeting, I had an appointment with my sixth-grade D. There was no sound on his end. This was the second client today with this problem. My conclusion: Maybe I’m not supposed to work with anyone today. His mother came and tried to help him figure it out. They signed out and tried to sign back in. When I didn’t hear the ‘bing’ when he signed in, it occurred to me that I had muted my computer. Yep! What a kick! We started late, and I made sure we got half an hour in. I texted K, saying, “I know what was wrong with “your” computer. My computer was muted.” I got a Ha! Ha! Back.

I prepared third-grade material for sixth-grade D. I had transcribed it, so there were dashes between each set of letters representing a sound. He found that much easier to read. He isn’t paying attention to the individual letters. He is trying to absorb the word in one bit without seeing the differences between the letters. Uh-uh! That doesn’t work. He did well reading the big words and had trouble with the small ones, very, it, of, to, etc. Here again, we have a student that has problems with the words on the first sight word list.

Jean M, my friend from Arizona, called. We talked as I did one of my walks. Her son-in-law had a medical problem and is now doing very well. Such a joyful story. Her daughter and her grandkids will be visiting her next week. The kids are very excited.

Adolescent D’s mother sent me a text telling me words he was having problems with. Yes, I know. I have worked on those exact patterns over and over and over. He can retain words but not word patterns that don’t make sense. Today, I asked him if he had an easier time remembering words when they made sense. He said yes. He also acknowledged that he had trouble using the left side of his brain. When he tried to focus there, his attention was pulled to the right.

When he looked at the left side of his brain, it was a large white space. His mind slid over to the right when he attempted to focus on the left. As it slid over, the color became a light pink changing until the far right was a dark pink-red. He said that color was ugly. We just sat and observed the pattern. He felt some changes in his head, a mild pressure. He said the left side changed somewhat. A pretty yellow entered the field of white. That sounded like good news to me.

We also continued identifying the ‘pattern’ in a word and changing the initial sound. He did better. He reoriented himself if he lost the sound unit we were working on.

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

On my morning walks, I observe the local wildlife. I see flocks of turkeys, chickens, pheasants, and several other varieties of birds I can’t name. There is a mother hen I’ve been watching with her brood of eight chicks, white, black, and brown. Today, I saw only four. Oh, boy. I first saw them as they ran across the road to avoid a car. I watched the remaining chicks run under the mom’s legs as I approached. I wondered if they ran in response to her signal or because they perceived danger on their own.

I met with Mana K’s crew this morning. Her son K. is doing so much better. He concentrates. That’s the most notable change. He used to be all over the place. Today, his mom said he looked forward to our sessions. He said the four letters of his last name and the eight letters of his first name forward and backward. He wrote them perfectly. He remembered how to write the lowercase t and h of the. We started work on writing the word fox. He knew how to spell it. He had to learn how to form the lowercase f. He thought he knew and tried to show me. Then he decided that he didn’t know. I modeled it for him. He made a curlicue at the top of the letter. He evaluated his work and asked for a correction.

I started using the terms before and after. He had trouble when I asked K what letter came before s in his last name. His sister, E, was in the room and called it out. I need to use the words ‘before’ and ‘after’ more in our work. We finished off forming the letters o and x. The end goal is writing: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog, which contains all the letters in the English alphabet. I started with “the fox jumps over the dog” and built it from there.

Next, I had Twin A. She remembered the name for the letter n easily. It was as if she had always known it. Her mom was in the room. She is very low-key about praise. I’m threatening to come there and give her lessons in enthusiasm. I reintroduced her twin sister’s name. They share all the same letters except for one, the letter e. that’s why I refer to one as A and the other as E. She was able to recall the letter name immediately and repeatedly. There’s a good chance there is a real difference in her memory processing.

E was next. She read mat correctly but confused pat with map. From what I can see, she has problems with hearing the phonemes. She confused /g/ and/k/. She confused /v/ and /b/; No, her parents don’t speak Spanish, where those two sounds are interchangeable. I had been struggling with where to go from here. I hadn’t been willing to use nonsense words. Today I resorted to that. I changed out every consonant in the initial position: bat, cat, dat, fat, gat, hat, jat, lat, mat, nat, pat, rat, sat, tat, vat, and zat. I didn’t do quat, or wat because that would have added more confusion than she could have borne. I just modeled. Without being asked, she repeated everything I said. This is a good direction to move in.

As I got up from the Zoom session, I slid my foot under the table to reach a slip of paper. As I pulled it toward me, I saw poop smeared on it. Where did I get that from? Had it been on the sole of my shoe since I came home from my morning walk? Had I been dragging it throughout the house? Then I saw a nice pile near the pedestal of the table. I didn’t get it. Elsa took a poop on our walk this morning. What was this about? I put off picking it up. It meant getting down on my hands and knees under the table and scraping it up. I could deal with the poop. I was putting off the physical act of getting down there and back up again. Also, I had just finished using the Rainbow vacuum cleaner and put that away. Now, I was going to have to get it out again. I pour water on the poop and suck it up with the Rainbow. It does a spectacular job.

I finally did get down on my hands and knees. I had to lower myself by leaning on the chair. I can’t bend my legs properly. I had to get up the same way. Once I’m down, I’m fine. I got the whole job done. I scraped it up, and I treated the area with enzymes. Once I was up on my feet again, I poured water on the damaged area repeatedly and sucked it up with my Rainbow vacuum until there was no sign of a stain.

Looking at my schedule for tomorrow, I realized that I booked an appointment with my life coach in conflict with my appointment with my new client, sixth grade D. Boy, D is a popular beginning letter for boys’ names.

I had a session with adolescent D, as I do Monday through Thursday for the summer vacation. He memorized every word in the 7th grade Barnell Loft passage. I transformed the passage into an alphabetized word list. The first objective was to determine how many of those words he could recognize in isolation. He did 100%. That was great. Even he was impressed. I wanted to use these words to teach phonics patterns. I had been covering them, but he didn’t remember them – no matter how many times I’ve repeated them. I had him identify the ‘pattern,’ meaning the vowel and the following consonants if there were any. Then I wrote every letter in the English alphabet as the initial sound with the pattern: ber, der, fer, ger, her, jer, ker, ler, etc. I haven’t included digraphs yet. He did reasonably well. He was showing some improvement. He could hold the sounds and blend them correctly. Both of those were problems when we first started. More amazingly, he enjoyed the activity. This was a great development.

Monday, June 28, 2021

The pillow between or under my legs is not the cure-all I hoped it would be. I guess it was the acetaminophen that gave me total relief from my leg discomfort. There are times when my leg doesn't bother me at all. Then there are other times it starts bothering me when I get into bed.

My foot is also a little worse this morning. It wasn't just the new shoes that caused that problem. However, it still wasn't as bad as it was with the other shoes. I think I made it worse as I changed my walking gate. I hope this problem resolves. I hate to be in a position to choose between a straight spine or a functional right foot.

I kept thinking my weak metatarsals caused the foot problem. I wanted someone to adjust my foot and pull the metatarsals apart. I looked for some padding to put under my big toe metatarsal or the top of the arch. I must have thrown it all out. I found toe separators, the kind you use when painting your toenails. I used three of them, putting them between my first and second toes, second and third, and third and fourth toes. Hopefully, this will help.

Jean, my hanai sister, called. She's distressed. Her step-son came to visit from his home in Nicaragua. He wasn't able to get vaccinated there. The original plan was to get the jab as soon as possible. Now, he's arguing that he doesn't need the vaccine. He's taking some alternate medication his alternative doctor recommends, which isn't recognized by the CDC. He's staying at his mom's house in a separate apartment. However, they're eating together; they are eating outside.

Jean is justifiably frightened by any possibility of exposure to the virus. She has multiple medical problems besides being old. The same holds true for her husband. If she's wrong, people won't get to do what they want to do. If she's right, her life and her husband's life could be at stake. The problem is that the consequences of being wrong about how the virus works can cost someone's life.

I'm a mess. Being alone has finally hit me. When I asked someone I depended on a question, she told me she was 'concerned about me if I couldn't remember that she had already answered the question. Wow! I went into a tailspin. My mother used to do this to me. If I perceived, remembered, or thought anything different from her, there was something wrong with me. I lived in a constant state of fear. This incident has thrown me back into that state. It is exhausting. I feel very alone. I suppose people did this to me when Mike was alive, but I had him to come home to. Now, it was just me fighting for my equilibrium. I could have said that I was dealing with it differently on a behavioral level. This is upbeat news. I took another CBD pill yesterday. I'm going to take another one today.

At 8:30, I had K's crew, her 8-year-old son, K, and her twin daughters. K, who has an attention deficit condition, does a fantastic job concentrating on a visual exercise. I have him see the letters in his name and say them from left to right and then from right to left. Today, when I asked him to visualize the four letters in his last name, he couldn't. I asked him to tell me his last name. When we started, he had trouble with that. Then I asked him for the first letter in the word. The image of the letters popped into his head. I reviewed the sizing of the lower-case i. On Friday, the line of the letter was too tall. When he wrote his first and last names, they were beautifully formed. He still wrote very slowly. At some point, he would have to learn to write more quickly. I would work on having him write, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog,' so he learned to form every letter in the alphabet. He will also learn to hold the whole sentence in his head and write it independently. Before I had him write the word the, I reviewed how to form the lower-case h. He made the hump too big, so the letter looks like a badly sized lower-case n.

Then I had A, one of the twins. A. has had trouble remembering the names of the letters of the alphabet. I had been struggling with getting her to remember the name of the letter n. I went over and over and over it. She couldn't remember the name from one minute to the next. Yikes!

On Friday, I asked her if she had spinning in her head. She did, and she could tell me exactly where it was and how it moved. This morning when I asked her about the spinning, she didn't remember our talk. I became concerned and asked her if she went to the beach yesterday. She remembered that. Ah! I was worried she had a worse memory problem than I initially thought. I asked her to spell her name. She could do that with ease. Her problem shows up when I ask her to name each letter individually. Today, when I asked her if she knew the letter n, she said m. That is great! They're both nasal sounds. It would be close but no cigar with any other students, but with her -it's Wow! I corrected her, showing the difference in my mouth formation between the m and the n. Then when I pointed to the letter n, she named it consistently for the rest of the lesson. I called her mother immediately. It was a miracle.

Then I worked with Twin E. She did well with all the words in the -at family, including getting the word mat correctly. I prepped her on the sound of /c/ before showing her the word cat for her to read. She struggled, but she got it. But she read pat as map today. She does love the word map. I think she may be strong enough to bring in a new element, but I'm not sure what it might be.

I had my new student today, 6th grade D. When I first saw him, I was confused. He had shoulder-length hair and could just as easily be a girl. I learned that he loves to climb trees. I told him how my mother loved doing that and then asked him for more details about his climbing. This is a bright, thoughtful child. I had him read to me from third-grade material. His reading was reasonably accurate, he demonstrated some decoding skills, but it was halting, jerky. He also missed a few function words. I had him name all the letters in sequence. He did reasonably well right away and felt it got easier the more he did. I suggested he slow down the speed of his letter naming, finding a comfortable rhythm. When he did, his performance evened out.

I asked him if he had trouble reading from the beginning. He said yes. I asked him if reading made him nervous. Yes. I led him through the exercise, where the prefrontal lobe informs the unconscious mind that no one would kill him if he never learned to read well. It took a while to get him into the exercise. Because it is weird, the kids sometimes feel something is wrong with them. I explain the theory and tell them this applies to all of us. An alarm goes off in all our heads when we are not performing or behaving like those around us. It's a survival signal developed during a period in our human development when our lives were at risk if we couldn't perform as others did. We are not in danger in the same way now.

I did a little work with him on the sounds. He didn't do enough for me to determine if he had a problem or it was just an unfamiliar exercise for him.

I had a session with adolescent D for the first time in a week. He was at Boy Scout camp. Was he going to be reading better, or will he have lost ground? Losing ground is a big problem when children who have problems reading take a break. He was fine. I had him read the words out of order. He did a fantastic job. I saw an improvement in his ability to blend sounds.

I had a session with J. He tested on level X, which is middle sixth grade. From what I had seen of the material, I thought a higher level might be better. I tried level Y at the end of sixth grade. Wow! The language was much more complex. I went back down to level X until I was confident that he understood the meaning of every sentence and its function in the story.

I started watching Manifest on Netflix. I was enjoying it. It's a combination of the supernatural and a mystery involving the NYPD. The supernatural stuff was interesting. I was concerned that it played with conspiracy theories. They show the government concerned about a conspiracy, depicting the government torturing anyone they think no one will be looking for experiments. I don't think these are good themes to be playing in the current cultural atmosphere. They're not fun anymore.

Sunday, June 27, 2021

I had a difficult night’s sleep because of a conflict with someone over money- an unpleasant topic at best. The problem for me is that discussion is impossible. Their negotiation style is by fiat, and the other person has to rise up and object. Very stressful. Because we have financial ties, I finally made a move like that myself. I got my way, but I’m not comfortable with it.

Yesterday, I went back to my old, very worn-out Crocs. My foot feels so much better. It is clear now the problem with my foot was caused by my new Crocs. I never had that happen before. I hope my foot can adjust. First, I will wait until the injured foot is healed. Then I’ll try the new shoe for a few hours.

We had a downpour around 9 am. Good thing I did my walk early.

I spent several hours watching the slides from the several videos I created on my reading method to select the best version. I compared one slide at a time on all the videos. I found two slides that I have to redo. As for the rest, I found one of each slide that will do. Are they perfect? No. but they seem good enough. I texted Tommy, my go-to tech, to make a date for him to come over to work on slicing and splicing the final version using slides from different videos.

On one of my walks, I ran into two women I’d never seen before. Sylvia lived a few streets away. The other was a friend going to house sit for the first woman while she traveled to the mainland to visit family. Sylvia asked me if we had mangoes. The women continued on their walk while I continued zigzagging slowly. She would meet up with me at my house on her way back. Then she stopped at my gate. When they came alongside me, she said they would be back later. When I walked into our driveway, I understood. Yvette was standing there. The women had talked to her about the mangoes. They had made arrangements with her. Yvette wants the dogs in the house when strangers come on the property. I always thought it was for the protection of the dogs. No, she said. It was for the protection of the people. She was concerned that Liner might attack someone. Huh? Liner is a pussycat. He rolls over on his back. Yvette said she had seen him growl at someone once and, therefore, always takes precautions.

Sylvia and Kathy came by later. I walked them to the bottom of the property. I thought the mangoes were ripe because they were this red and purple color. But no, mangoes are yellow when they’re ripe. They said they would come back in two weeks.

Yvette had been standing in the driveway waiting for a flatbed tow truck to pick up her car. She had two flats yesterday. She thinks she got it when they parked at the Magic Sands parking lot when we videoed the Shine dance routine. I had been lucky. As I pulled in, a truck was pulling out. It was an odd angle for me. I managed to maneuver myself into the space without having an accident. I was driving under 5 mph, the danger zone. Yvette had to push her car into a space that wasn’t a parking space. She believes something in that space made holes in her tires.

Yesterday, Yvette, Scott, Elise, and I met at the seaside park just north of Magic Sands Beach. We videoed the dance we each practiced individually with one joint rehearsal. The dance called for simple rocking and walking steps to accompany the arm sequence. My leg was very bad at that moment, and I was standing on grass, which challenged my balance at the best of times. I was placed in the center. I just did the arm movements. Yvette and Elise did the whole Monty. Scott videoed us. Yvette asked me if I wanted to see the video, No, I had fun working on the dance, but I have never liked how I looked. I wasn’t going to like it more now that I weighed 10 lbs. more after losing 2 ½ inches from my height. Mike used to complain about my aging body. He always had a potbelly, I point out. He said, “Yes, but you didn’t when I met you,” when I was 32. Oh, well. He didn’t stop loving me or telling me I was beautiful.

Yvette made it home because Scott changed one of the tires. Josh met them in town and brought a gadget that inflated tires. Scott said they had to stop twice to reinflate the second tire to make it home. Yvette had joyfully announced that Costco had four new tires in. I didn’t know why she was so happy. Winds up, several people have had problems because no one on the island had their tires in stock. They had to wait several weeks for them to arrive.

At my door was a package with the Hersey’s Milk chocolate with whole almonds. The price has jumped substantially of late. I understood the price of sugar had gone through the roof because of the pandemic’s effect on the supply chain. I was resolved to do without my main food staple. Then I bit the bullet. I ordered a supply for $50. Wow! The price was originally something like $15 for 2 lbs. That was a quick price jump. When I opened the box, I discovered the bag held 4 lbs. not the usual 2 lbs. That’s still a substantial price jump, but not as bad as I thought.

Late in the afternoon, we had another downpour, and what a downpour it was.

Saturday, June 26, 2021

I have been using a pillow between my legs for the last three nights as I slept. Two nights ago, my discomfort was interfering with my sleep. I grabbed one of Mike's pillows and put it between my knees. That helped. I fell asleep. The pillow also caused a problem; it required significant effort to maneuver when got up or turned over. Last night, I took acetaminophen before going to bed. Being too lazy to get that pillow between my legs, I rested them on the pillow while I slept on my side. I slept like a baby. I didn't have a moment's discomfort all night. Even more impressive, my legs were almost even when I got up. I wound up stretching the muscles on the left side of my body by using the pillow that way. Have I discovered a cure for my hip problems? We'll see. I'll try this trick without the aid of an anti-inflammatory tonight.

Last night I started thinking my foot problem was not caused by Morton's neuroma. No, instead, it is a soft tissue problem. It didn't feel like plantar fasciitis because it was in the wrong place. It is only the second and third toes that are in pain. I assume there's some inflammation in the metatarsal area because I can't curl the toes under as I can with my left foot. Is this problem possibly coming from my calf or even my thigh muscles? When my hand or wrist bothers me, I find treating the tension in my arm, both fore- and upper, resolves the problem. I started using the Trigger Point gun on those areas. Nothing cured yet. We'll see.

Mama K, the mother of the three children I worked with first thing in the morning, posted my name for tutoring on the Kona mother's group. I've already had two responses. I accepted one; now the question is, what would I do about the other? This woman has three children she wants help for. I don't want to overwhelm myself. At first, I thought I would just let any additional requests go. However, I have extra time right now because my parents wanted to cancel for weeks at a time for one reason or another. I could help one of her children, for now, the seven-year-old. If I met with her seven days a week for fifteen to twenty minutes at a time, there would be a chance I could get her off the dime. Then we can scale back to once a week, which I can handle.

My foot problem began when I started wearing my new Crocs. I switched back to my old, worn shoes. The soles were so thin that I could feel every pebble underfoot, and I was close to wearing them to the ground. Despite the condition of these shoes, my feet are much less painful in them. I'm not sure why the new Crocs are causing this problem. I don't think they are too short. I never had that problem with other Crocs I have ordered.

I spent the day cleaning and reviewing the videos I had already recorded to find the best version. I had ten recordings. I was remarkably organized. I created a table, ten across for each video and twenty-two down for each slide. I determined which slides were in each video. All the videos were partial. I put an X in the boxes for the slides not included in a particular video. Then I went through each slide, one at a time, comparing them in each video, deciding which ones were good to use.

I watched the end of Flack. I thought it was terrific. I enjoyed the characters and thought the acting was spectacular. When I read the reviews of the show on Wiki, it didn't look that good. It is a dramedy. The comic element takes the edge off the bitterness. It is filled with deep tragedy, great sadness. I enjoyed it, mostly because I could watch the performers forever.

Friday, June 25, 2021

My foot feels better due to the treatment. I made it to the bathroom during the night without pain, but it became inflamed with extended walking. I came home from my morning walk, soaked my foot in ice, treated it with the infrared lamp and then the meridian energy acupuncture pen Yvette lent me. This treatment made walking doable.

As I walked this morning, I realized that Judy thinks I have no face-to-face contact with people. I do. I run into some people on my morning walk. Some the exchanges are no more than, “Morning, Herman.” “Morning, Betty. Good morning, Elsa.” With some, it is a one or two-sentence conversation while we continue walking. With some, it varies between the two already mentioned and longer conversations as we stand for a minute in the middle of the road or walk together as the conversation becomes more involved. Here’s my contact list

: Vince and Julie

Ann Marie with her Dog Tulip

Kelly or Colin with their dog Bailey

Shawn with his dog, Coco, and his wife, Valerie.

Mary Ann with her dogs Chloe and Razor

Mike with his dog Sweet Pea

Steve and his wife, Shannon

Tom

David

Jill

Marsha

Herman

Beverly

Darby

Naomi, her husband. Aaron and her daughter, Juniper

Adam, Jazzy, Leon (two infants)

Mei, her husband, Peter, and her children, David and Anna

Terry and her husband, Bob

Olga and her daughter Alexandra

Penny and her dog Zoe.

Lutz

Mary

Gordana

Andrew and his wife, Jenny

Carol and her husband, Phil. They are out of town now until August.

John and his wife, Julie

Tammy

I had my 8:30 morning appointment with K’s kids. I started with A. She still cannot remember the name for the letter n. I tried various tricks for memorizing. Nothing worked. While she can name all the letters in her name if she does it in sequence, from the first letter to the last. Today I asked her to say whatever came up when she tried to remember the name. The answer was, “Nothing.” I decided to try BrainManagmentSkills.

I asked her if she felt movement in her head. She said yes. Many people experience uncomfortable movement in their heads. I drew the six spin patterns: a counter-clockwise spiral moving from the out edge toward the center, a clockwise spiral moving from the center out, and then both spirals, both in and out, moving in the opposite directions, a horizontal zig-zag line and a vertical one. I always say at the end, “Or is it a different pattern?” leaving it open for something unexpected. The kids with this problem generally know what it is and can give the exact location and direction of the spin. A. could give me this information today. The spiral moves from the back of her head to the front on the left side of her head. It is moving from the center out and increases in speed. Some move from the outer ring into the center and decrease in speed. I was going to teach her the spin release but decided to wait. It will be the first time I have a child do it over Zoom. I wanted to talk to her mother first. I didn’t want her mom to freak out when she heard her daughter had this problem.

The mind is always active, churning away like a motor. There are our brains in idle and our brains in more active states. If they have been hijacked by too rapid or too slow of a spin, that interferes with mental processing. Students are aware of these patterns and try to fight them. I asked A. if she tried to slow the spinning down. She said yes.

The instructions with the spin that increases in speed is to allow the spin to get as fast as it wants to. Since the child views this movement as something they don’t like, it can be uncomfortable; it can be disconcerting to just let it do its thing. I tell children not to do it if they feel very uncomfortable. On a rate from 1-10, their discomfort index shouldn’t be higher than a three. I have never had anything bad happen due to doing the spin release. However, I don’t think it will work if someone is scared. They’re not going to allow it to happen. Worse yet, if they get too scared, they won’t ever try it again. They should find the experience “interesting.” They should be wondering, “How fast is it going to get, and where is it going to go?” The goal is to let it spin off like a tornado returning to the sky.

What causes these disruptive spins? Oh, so many things. Yes, it could result from significant trauma, beating, rape, loss of a parent, divorce, etc. However, it can also be from something we might consider minor, just being uncomfortably confused. What causes confusion? Any time we know we don’t know something, particularly when others around us do. Good students, when faced with the state of knowing they don’t know, feel curiosity. That is the best mental state for a student. If they respond to this situation with curiosity can keep their minds open and focused. They’re wondering, ‘What am I going to learn now? Something new. Yay!”

I had loaded two boxes into the car for the Notre Dame Seminary in New Orleans to take to the post office. Fortunately, two young men were standing by a car nearby. I asked, “Can I borrow your strength?” I haven’t had someone say no to that request yet. I also mailed the eyelid tape to Jean, who has problems as I do with her eyes. While I kept one roll of tape, I wasn’t thrilled with its effect and haven’t used it again. Maybe I should. When I check in the mirror, the brow lift provided by the Botox injections seems to be helping, but the lid droops down. It may be that my eyes are so small, it doesn’t take much to block my vision.

On my way home, I stopped at Habitat to deliver the ten remaining LPs. This is the last of the records. Now, I have to get rid of the 1,000 CDs.

Costco was a surprise. There was no special line outside, no one spraying the shopping carts. Actually, there were no shopping carts available at that moment. As I walked around the parking lot to get one, someone chased me down and asked me if I wanted theirs. Would the products I wanted be available? Blueberries and the Sweet Kale salad were in now, but I couldn’t find any lemons. I had a moment of panic. I must have my nightly lemonade. I found an employee bringing in more produce. I asked him about the lemons. He said, “There should be,” and he told me where they were. I wouldn’t have looked as carefully as I had to if he hadn’t been so sure. I found about ten bags hidden behind some boxes. I grabbed two bags. When I loaded the car, I saw a young man nearby. Again, I asked him if I could borrow his strength. I had hauled a case of almond milk from the stack into my cart but getting it out of the cart into my car was another matter. The guy generously helped me load my whole card.

As I was unloading the car, Judy called to tell me that Paulette and her friend, Carol, were working on a jigsaw puzzle outside. Did I want to join them? Judy is working on getting me out of my isolation into social contact. She said she would call me whenever they were working on it. Sounds great. Having been out, I had enough stimulation for today.

Thursday, June 24, 2021

Yesterday, Yvette sent an email with a video modeling a little dance routine. It's for some cause. It sounds like a form of the 'ice bucket challenge.' I spent a good part of last night practicing. It's not as easy for me to remember a movement sequence as it once was. I figured it would be good for me even if I didn't participate in the video. This morning, Yvette, Elise, and I practiced it. I did reasonably well until my hip gave out. There was some move I made that triggered a spasm. It knocked me out. Yvette had to get a chair and put it under my tush. It may be that triggering that reaction is good for me. I had till Saturday at 4:15 to get the routine down pat. We met at a park by the oceanfront for the official filming.

At 8:30, I worked with K's children, her son K, and the twin girls. I had A first. She still was having trouble remembering the name for the letter n. She calledl it by another name. I continued with the drill, saying, "This is . . .," while I marked a particular letter. I counted to five. If she said nothing, I named the letter. After working on the letter n for a while, I moved to another letter and then back again to n; she could not remember its name. The first task is figuring out how to help her to remember. Yesterday, she didn't participate because she had taken cough medicine the night before for a cough. She still seemed groggy this morning.

E. had problems yesterday when she read the word mat as map. The p and the t sounds share two out of three characteristics: they are both voiceless and stops. Also, the m predisposes her to form another bilabial sound; both m and p are formed by pressing the lips together. I went over the meaning of the two words. She had no idea what a map was. Her mom showed her a map of their neighborhood on her phone. That might help. Then, I worked on discerning the difference between the /t/ and the/p/ sounds, visually watching the mouth formation and by sound. She needed help at this level. On a positive note, she immediately recognized most of the other words in the -at family: bat, fat, hat, and pat. She got more correct on our first day. I'm not distressed yet. The learning process does not go in a straight line. As the brain takes in new information, it must compare it with existing information and reorganize. I am giving her time to do it.

When I worked with the twins' older brother K, I continued with the Neurolinguistic Programming exercise of visualizing the letters in a word and 'reading' the letter from left to right and then from right to left. I numbered the letters in his name. Yesterday, he rocked. Today he had trouble understanding 'the letter before.' I even numbered the letters in his name from 1-8 for his first name and 1-4 for his last. He had trouble remembering the sequence of the letters of his last name, reversing the order of the last two letters. Once he got that straight, he wrote his first and last name. His handwriting is impressive.

At 10 am, I joined in on Julia's Step Up Tutoring Zoom office hours. I am still having problems with the Book Nook reading program. I think the program is good; just learning to administer it is a steep learning curve. Julia showed me how to have my tutor's screen open while I have the student's screen open on Zoom's share so I can see both. I still don't know how to get back to the story we were working on the day before.

In the afternoon, I had a session with J. We tried the Book Nook site again. I used what I learned that morning from Julia and created a split-screen to see the student's screen through Zoom screen share and the tutor's screen. I could get out of the game and proceed with the testing aspect of the program to determine his reading level. He stopped at level X, two-thirds of the way through sixth grade but not at the end of the year. We worked on some stories. He made careless mistakes as he read. His comprehension problem is that he can't generalize and think abstractly. He always gives literal and specific answers. It is a cognitive style.

I don't believe different cognitive styles reflect 'intelligence.' While thinking abstractly and doing 'higher-order thinking skills' is au current, in style, in our current culture, it wasn't always. In another culture, that kind of thinking might be strongly discouraged. That doesn't make the person any less intelligent.

Judy called. She told me her sister Paulette and her house quest, Carol, were working on a jigsaw puzzle in an open-air space. She was inviting me to stop by and work on it. Judy is anti-vaccine. She, her son Adam, and her daughter-in-law, Jazzy, have all had Covid. The latter two were deathly ill. Judy had a mild case. Despite her sneezing and coughing all over the place, neither her husband nor her sister, who were around her all the time and unvaccinated, got sick.

Judy tried to convince me that I was not in any real danger. I was vaccinated, and I was unlikely to catch it from them. Her question was, how long would I keep up my protective isolation? It could go on forever. It could. Was I prepared to risk my life for some face-to-face company at close range? Good question.

Wednesday, June 23, 2021

My foot is so much better; it's close to a miracle. I developed Morton's neuroma in my right foot -again. Oh, this neuroma is so much fun. It is caused by collapsed metatarsals due to Morton's toe. In Morton's toe, the big toe appears shorter than the second one. Only it's not the length of the toe that is different; it's the length of the first metatarsal. If you check your toe knuckles, the first one is closer to the heel than the second. This throws all the metatarsals into a tizzy. It means your foot never works properly. It means your hips and spine get thrown out of alignment. It means you're a mess. Yes, my hips and spine are out of alignment. I have to figure out compensations.

Back to the neuroma, another result of Morton's toe. Because the metatarsals are not correctly aligned, they press on each other, pinching nerves that run between them. The body defends itself, but not logically. When a nerve is pinched, the body provides a protective layer of something. That means a lump grows between your metatarsals where there is just enough room for a single nerve to reside. It means you have a built-in pebble in your foot. It is painful. It can hurt when you're sitting or lying down.

I saw an orthopedic surgeon in Manhattan once. He recommended arch supports. Okay. One look at those arch supports, and I refused to take them. The supports forced me to walk on the very outer edge of my feet. I mean, the little piggy that got none had to carry all the weight of my body.

I saw a second doctor a few years later. He tried cortisone shots right into the neuroma. I got a series of three or four. The first two or three went all right; the last one sent me right through the roof. It was excruciating. It was close to forty years ago, and I still remember it.

My chiropractor said to soak my foot in ice. That helped. After years of struggling with my feet, it went away. I think it's come back because I changed the alignment of my hips and back, changing my foot alignment - ergo, another neuroma. This is scary. How will I maintain my 10,000-step daily routine with this problem? I started treating it. I alternated icing and infrared lamp treatment. I also walked on the outer edge of the inflicted foot. However, I could get all my toes to the ground by pushing through on the outer edge, which I wouldn't be able to do with that arch support.

My annual survey for the Women's Health Initiative arrived in the mail this evening. I filled it out immediately. I put the envelope I received on the yoga equipment so Yvette could see it. I want to make sure that she knows to look for the envelope with the survey. I have been a participant for 25 years. I want her to follow it through to my death.

Twin E. didn't make it to our 8:30 Zoom session. She was still in bed. She had a bad cough, and her mom gave her cough medicine last night. She was still knocked out. I worked with Twin A and K.

A. had more trouble today identifying and or blending the six words in the -at family; we worked on: bat, cat, fat, hat, mat, and pat.

K did a good job writing his first name. He formed all the letters correctly. He did a good job holding the image of his name in his mind and 'reading' the letters both forward and back. His concentration was amazing. I asked his mother if his concentration looked better. She said it was generally better in the morning. Okay, but this was at a whole new level. She finally saw what I was seeing. He focused on writing his name for several minutes. Granted, it took a long time for him to complete the task, but he did it in a focused way—one thing at a time.

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

I slept well for most of the night but woke up in the early morning hours in despair. I was doing very badly. I feel so abandoned, so alone, unsafe. I wrapped myself in the plush fleece blanket. It’s not as good as Mike, but it does something. I was turning into one of Harlow monkeys, choosing the soft cloth over food when isolated from their mothers. This mood is a bad down-turn. As it hit hard, my first thought was to pray for an early death. It was bad.

Things picked up a little during morning driveway yoga. Lying flat on my back on the hard cement surface and concentrating on my body helped. I’m not sure why it did, but I’ll take it. I felt much better. I’m impressed by how quickly I regain a positive mental state, not just calmer but peaceful and content.

Yvette often reads a passage from a spiritually oriented book at the end of class. I heard Yvette say, “OMG, you’re right. I read the one for July 22 rather than June 22. Interesting that you all waited until I was finished before telling me.” I hadn’t heard the reading. I must have fallen asleep. I asked Yvette to read it again after the class was over. It went something like this: when two people disagree, don’t think of one as right and the other as wrong. Work it out, so it’s the best for both people. Ironic: this is what has put me into this tailspin. Someone I rely on expressed “concern for my mental capacity” because I didn’t remember something the way they did—what a disaster. I don’t think that response would be good under any circumstances when there is a difference in perception, memory, or opinion. In my case, it feels scary for two reasons: One, I am an eighty-year-old woman. Suggesting that my mind is going is dirty pool. Second, this is what my mom did to me. Whenever I saw anything differently than she did, she told me it was because something was wrong with me. It was very hard for me.

Unfortunately, the person involved doesn’t do discussion. I don’t know how you can find common ground without talking it out. How do you know what the other person wants or feels if you don’t talk? While my mom made a full-frontal attack, this person goes silent- with this exception. It was because I wrote something in an email, and they responded in kind. One can’t do silence as effectively in an email.

At 8:30, I had Mana K’s twins. A. Did very well with three of the letters. The names just popped out of her mouth. On the fourth, there was a delay. I present the work to her by saying, “This letter is . . . . ..” as a statement while making a mark under the letter. If she doesn’t respond in a timely way, I say the name. The object is to reduce stress for her. I introduced the letter e yesterday. It’s not in her name but in the name of one of her family members. She identified it as i. She was slow on one letter, wrong on another, and good with four.

Then I worked with her sister, E. She did much better, identifying the letter name and sound of letters, which she had to blend with the word family -at. She did much better with all the letters we covered except the p. She changed the p to a b, blending the word as bat instead of pat. She converted the word mat to map. Her confusion is understandable. M, B, and P are all bilabial consonants formed by pressing the lips together. I didn’t help her distinguish between the three sounds today; I will do that tomorrow.

Where yesterday, K, their older brother, was sound asleep when it was time to work, today he was available. He was working on handwriting and spelling. Initially, he didn’t write all the letters in his name; he would leave one out. That no longer happens. It is a complex writing skill. You must hold all the letters in your head, focus on just one letter as you write it, and then recall the next letter. We have the same challenge when we write a sentence. How do we do it? I think we have to reconstruct the sentence in our heads. It is harder if we have trouble with spelling or handwriting. Those activities take so much mental energy; we can lose track of where we are.

Today I covered how to write the lower case g. K did a good job starting it with a c last time, but then he put the tail on the wrong side of the letter. I had him write the lower case a, then showed him to keep pulling that final line down further to get the g. He wrote his name quickly and beautifully. He also remembered how to spell his last name and write that. His concentration was impressive for someone who has trouble focusing. Many years ago, a teacher at the Lewis School taught me that handwriting and focusing are somehow connected.

Dorothy called. She told me she reads my updates regularly. I am very grateful to those who read my updates and those who don’t and don’t ask to be dropped from the email list. Writing the daily updates is both a burden and a gift. Doing it gives structure to my life. Without it, I think I would be adrift. I suspect I would spend most of my time playing FreeCell. Boy, would that be a disaster! Writing them gives me something to do and helps me review my life and see I did more than nothing.

I only had J, my Step Up Tutoring student from California. I started working with the BookNook program. I got myself signed in. While I did, the program provided a visual matching game, identifying points of difference between two pictures. Problem: I couldn’t get him out of the game into the reading part of the program. He must have played ten games while I waited for the program to move it. It didn’t. I didn’t know what I was doing.

Monday, June 21, 2021

Oh, boy, what a night. The early part of the night went fine. I fell asleep easily and slept deeply. I can and do sleep well. Then I woke in the middle of the night. I didn't check the time. I brooded about a comment someone made yesterday. I tormented myself. I have become so sensitive. That sensitivity leads to ever-increasing degrees of isolation. I was almost paranoid last night. My first thought was that I was becoming just like my mother, suspicious of everyone's intentions. I felt pretty off the rails. I thought I might need psychiatric help. I finally wrapped myself in the plush fleece blanket the dialysis center gave Mike. I calmed down and fell asleep when I put it against my skin.

Then on my walk this morning, I ran into MaryAnn with her dogs, Razor and Chloe. MaryAnn's husband died within the last few years too. I told her I was doing badly. She assured me that my feelings were normal, including the paranoia. She said it is a side effect of loneliness. I tend to be hypersensitive in response to certain behaviors. When someone is arrogant, hypercritical, or suggests something is 'wrong with me, if I don't agree with them about something, I don't do well. I suppose no one likes it. It's hard to know if I am worse than most people or just less willing or less able to put up with it. Experience has taught me setting a limit on people's behavior can have good results.

I always adored my mom and wanted a good relationship with her. I struggled with her and against her to achieve this. After Mike and I got together, I was finally prepared to give up. I wrote her a letter telling her I had been afraid of her all my life. I had tried everything to calm myself; now, I would try having nothing to do with her. That letter went out in August. In November, she called me. She said, "I'm getting old. I forgive you. We can see each other again." Anyone see a problem here? I told her I wasn't ready. I responded calmly; I didn't yell. A year later, a relative called to ask if I would come to her house for Thanksgiving; my mom would be there. It felt very sad. I greeted this woman I had known all my life as a stranger. I didn't hold out much hope of it ever getting better. But it did. It wouldn't have gotten better if I hadn't made a stand.

Besides not speaking to her for over a year, I set a limit for her negative behavior in my mind. She could only dish out three criticisms per visit. I would make excuses and leave if it was more than that. I would come back again. Miraculously she never violated my rule of three. My mom spent the last eighteen years of her life living in the mother-in-law extension of my house with Mike and me. Somewhere during that time, she brought up that letter I sent her. She said how much it hurt her. She never acknowledged or even understood that our current relationship would have been impossible if I had never taken that action.

But back to my being in the wrong, being too sensitive. I have no idea. Mike violated some rules I had in my head, but the positive and negative ratio was overwhelmingly on the plus side. People who study marriages talk about the 5 to 1 ratio, the Magic Relationship Ratio. For the relationship to survive, there must be a minimum of five positive exchanges (I wonder if neutral counts too). I think there aren't just numbers involved; quality of interaction has to count too. Mike's positives were huge for me. On a rate of 1 to 10, they were a 10. Some of his negatives were just funny. He always insisted that I give him the car keys when we went someplace. This interaction didn't feel demeaning. It was just a craziness on his part; however, if I had made the same demand on him, oh, boy! It wasn't a bit of silliness for him. That was okay. His needs were different from mine.

When we were first together, he frequently made arrogant comments, putting other people down for one thing or another. He insisted that he was just expressing his point of view. It took me years to find the right words to get him to stop. I said, "Your opinion is that you don't like it. You don't have to put it or the people who feel differently down." He finally got it; he stopped on a dime. That arrogance was a biggy for me. But it wasn't big enough to overwhelm the good stuff. The good stuff was tremendous. He was my main human. I miss him.

I had a Zoom meeting with K's twins. I'm still working on the same material, learning the letters of their names and blending the words bat, cat, fat, hat, mat, and pat. E is still learning the letters in her name; she is particularly struggling with one of them. The other three seem to be coming more easily. Today, I watched her 'practice,' the one letter in her name she was still having a problem with on her own. I watched her visualize the letter and repeat the name. Neurologically, she was laying down another layer of nerve connection with each repetition. I thought she did well enough today to introduce another letter. I wrote her twin sister's name. There is only one letter difference between the two. (Naming twins with almost identical names is a cultural tradition.) I asked her if she wanted to learn another one today. She said no. Wonderful! She is developing metacognitive skills. She is becoming an agent of her learning.

At 11 am, I had my reading support office hours. The problems are the same each time. Students have word recognition skills. Some people are open to what I have to say; others harken back to what they're doing already, even though they know it hasn't been working. I can't blame them.

The Phonics Discovery System audio file was posted on YouTube the other day. So far, three people have viewed it. I would imagine anyone who doesn't know me will think this is a waste of time. At least it will be available for my students.

At 12:45, I headed into town. My first stop was the town dump to get rid of the cardboard in the back of the car. I have a collection of boxes for mailing Mike's library books to seminaries. I first started collecting product boxes, almond milk, and vinegar. Those boxes have print announcing their product on the outside. To use them for posting the books, I had to cover them with paper. I lost one package that way when the paper ripped, and the address was lost in the process. In the meantime, I have been collecting Amazon boxes. Perfect! I folded all the product boxes and got rid of them. The library looks so much better.

While at the dump, I stopped at the second-hand store there. Yes, there is a second-hand store right at the dump. I assume it earns money for something, but I don't know what it is. The other day, I checked to see if they took ceiling fans and rugs with holes in them. No, to both of those. But they do take CDs. I have a mere 1,000 I will never listen to. My husband was a hoarder. He never listened to them either. They were ready to take all 1,000 right then and there. First, I didn't have them with me. Second, it will be very painful to have those shelves bare. I'm a third-year griever. It has hit hard, very hard.

Kaiser was one light down the road from the dump. I had an appointment with the plastic surgeon for my Botox shots. I had checked in online and wasn't in a hurry. I was surprised to find the gatekeepers gone as I entered Kaiser. There used to be a team to check temp, ask those routine questions about exposure, and instruct us to apply hand sanitizer. They weren't there. What a shock!

I went to the desk to check in. I showed them the barcode on my phone, testifying to my precheck-in. I had to go to the machine and flash the barcode there. I needed help. Where was I supposed to put my phone? I was unsuccessful after multiple attempts. The receptionist came out from behind her desk to help me. I was holding the phone too close to the scanner.

There was one lone woman in the waiting area. Kaiser must still be limiting the number of people who can be there at one time. The procedure was easy. The doctor was great. I asked if it was going to hurt. The doctor said there would be a pinch, but he would distract me by massaging the flesh around the area. The Botox shots went into the tissues in the temple area. I thought they would go into the forehead above the eyes and between the eyes. I thought he told me that those were the muscles that caused the brow to droop, interfering with my vision.

I asked him if there were any post-procedure instructions. I shouldn't put my face in a massage table face cradle. One client did that, and the Botox got moved around. I had to wait one or two days before I did that. He said it would take a few days to have the full effect. They gave me an appointment for October for my next treatment. This treatment is all on Kaiser's dime. It is a medical procedure because the drooping brow obscures my vision. Lovely. There is also a possibility a more relaxed brow will eliminate the pressure I feel on that side of my head.

I have noticed a growing problem with my right foot. It became full-blown today. I recognized that problem: Morton's neuroma. I've had it before. It's a bitch. A nerve gets pinched between my metatarsals. The nerve swells and a sheath grows over it to protect the nerve. It feels like a large pebble in my shoe at all times. It was a concern. I need to keep walking.

I's mom texted me to cancel for the rest of the summer. I. was going to summer school. Her mother heard it was an intense experience. I's third-grade teacher recommended summer school for her. Her reading level came up and was good. Her main complaint has been I. didn't speak enough. As I worked with I. on the cowriting activity, I discovered she doesn't have the verbal expression skills she needs. It is hard to know if she is shy because she doesn't express her ideas well or doesn't express her thoughts well because she was too shy to have gotten the experience she needs. When I told my sister that I. was the youngest of seven children, she said, "Oh. She hasn't learned to express herself because she did not need to. Her older siblings anticipated her every need." I told the mom that I was concerned that summer school would not address my real needs. They were just going to give her more of the same. I recommended that she continue working with me on the writing at least once a week. Mom tried to call me once, but that's it. I have no idea what is going on.

Sunday, June 20, 2021

Good God. I'm calm and balanced; then I'm off and running again. I'm a mess. The agita is familiar. I remember it from before I met Mike and periodically while we were together. But this is getting ridiculous. I can feel every cell in my body vibrate when I'm agitated. I think Mike and I had this in common. It shows more on me than it did on him. He maintained a surface calm. It may have killed him.

Mike would come home after starting with a new therapist and report he was the most high-functioning crazy they had ever met. I don't know if they used the word crazy, but he lived with a lot of inner disturbance as I do. He resolved his problem with very high doses of medication, above the highest recommended amount. The medication he was on for his anxiety may have caused his pancreatitis. I knew all that medication couldn't be good for him.

Mike did try to deal with his anxiety through therapy. He eventually gave up. Before we left Ohio for Hawaii, he found a therapist who used EMDR and reported that he thought he was experiencing some change. When we came to Hawaii, none of Kaiser's therapists offered it. He could have seen someone privately, but he refused to do that. I offered to pay. He refused that too.

Then I discovered that Kaiser would cover a therapist outside the network who provided EMDR if his primary prescribed it. Our doctor did prescribe it, and he found someone in town. He was seeing this woman and had an appointment scheduled when he collapsed with pancreatitis. The rest is history.

Besides the Saturday NPR shows, I love some of the Sunday ones too. I particularly like Krista Tippett's On Being, and I often enjoy Justine Willis Tom's New Dimensions. I don't always like Tom's show because I can't stand her voice. There's a whine in there that gets on my nerves a little too precious. But today, both these shows were just for me.

Tippett's had Alex Elle on Self-Healing. She talked about healing the feelings of loneliness and sadness that started in her childhood. She spoke about how difficult it is to face those feelings and how beneficial if we do it successfully. Facing these feelings unsuccessfully is also an option. Skill is necessary when facing any fierce threat to our well-being. I have some skills, but am I skilled enough to make it through to the other side? I guess I'm going to find out.

I agree with Alex when she says whenever you work on healing yourself, you are always healing others as well; the closer people are to you, the more benefit. The Buddhists hold to that idea also. Someone can spend a lifetime meditating in a cave and benefit others. The idea that it might help others as well as myself gives me strength. Doing something only for oneself is a thin activity.

Peter Russell said something meaningful on New Dimensions; only I can't remember what it was.

I took a shower preparing for another round of recording the Phonics discovery system Phase I video. While I was drying, I ground more of the grade Vit. C powder. Even in a container advertised as a cosmetic grade, I discovered that the powder was not fine enough. My coffee grinder finishes off the job. This discovery means I never have to order cosmetic-grade again. I can order a large bag of non-cosmetic grade Vit C granules and grind it down myself.

I also did a round of MELT on both my feet and my hands. Sometimes my hands feel like they are going the way all hands with repetitive syndrome go, but MELT pulls them right back from that edge.

My anxiety was out of hand. My whole body was vibrating. It felt like every cell in my body was doing its dance routine- very uncomfortable. I have no idea what causes it. Does anxiety cause the vibrating, or does the vibrating cause the anxiety? Body changes can cause mood changes- think menopause or, for that matter, adolescence. I finally took a CBD capsule. Then I went out to do one of my mid-day walks. OMG! I was completely calm. I focused on the foliage. It was just wonderful. What a change! I got the CBD after Mike died because Damon and Yvette both pushed it. I was okay back then and didn't need any chemical assistance. It's now that I'm having problems. I wonder if the CBD could have helped Mike with his anxiety. Of course, he probably wouldn't have taken it unless the doctor prescribed it or at least recommended it.

I spoke to Judy on one of my walks. She was getting dinner ready. They were having dinner at Adams's tonight. It was a significant event because of Father's Day. I drove the fan I had offered them over there. As I pulled into the driveway, I drove over something rough; it made contact with the bottom of my car. I backed out quickly. My electric battery and motor sit on the bottom of the car. As I walked up the driveway, I saw a good-sized boulder about a foot across. Yikes! I hope I didn't damage my car. Of course, I was doing well under five mph. Adam had no idea that rock was there. He came out to check it out and get the fan out of my car. In the meantime, he checked under my car. He said he could see there was a large case there. He thought it all looked okay. I'll have it checked when I bring my car in for maintenance. We'll see.

I didn't want to stay for dinner there because I was still concerned about the virus. The family was eating together in an enclosed space. Adam got a container. I got a baked potato, several slices of steak, hmmm, half a corn, some asparagus, and some of Judy's fruit pie.