Saturday, June 19, 2021

 Saturday, June 19, 2021

 

            I pushed my left hip out more as I walked. My postural habit since I was twelve has been pushing out the right hip. I found that pushing out my left hip as I sit makes getting up easier.

            I sunk into a deep dark place in the early hours of this morning. I thought of how much trouble I had caused myself. Judy has friends from high school. She talks about other people's behavior that bothers her and comments, 'whatever.' I gave that tolerance to Mike. Lord knows, he had behaviors that would have been deal-breakers for someone else. As I write, I think the problem is more how much others like me. I have been shocked by people's feelings about me. I had someone staying in my house say," I'm sorry, Betty. I don't really like you. I don't think you're fun." What am I supposed to do about that? That hot potato was just dropped in my lap with no further comment. No further discussion was tolerated. Mike and I tried to reconcile our differences. We agreed upon that. I find most people aren't willing to do that. I have no idea how to respond to that situation.

 On my part, if someone throws me into a state of shock, I can have a powerful reaction. What triggers my shock is specific to me; it's a result of the PTSD I suffer from my interactions with my mother. If I did things differently from her, had any thoughts different from hers, something was wrong with me. Worse yet were the circumstances when I thought I had done something right; I had tried to please her and was rewarded with a full-on attack. That was the worst.

Damon, who I love dearly, have loved dearly since he became part of my life when he was three, did something like that to me. In preparation for a visit, I thoroughly cleaned the house. As part of that, I emptied the refrigerator and scoured it. Upon waking, Damon opened the fridge and said it was a mess and he would take it apart. I went into shock. I  still feel that shock in my body as I write about it. Bad PTSD.   

 I didn't say anything at the moment. However, when Mike got up, I told him I was preparing to stay at a friend's until Damon left. I was devastated by his behavior. Mike assured me that the attack was on him, not me. Mike, as I mentioned previously, stuffed the refrigerator. It was that Damon was responding to, but it didn't matter. I was devastated. I avoided contact with everyone for the rest of the day. Mike asked me to stay for dinner. Fortunately, that went well, and I could enjoy the rest of the visit. I forgave Damon for what he did that day; I understood his criticism was not of my housekeeping but of Mike's hoarding, but my body still holds that shock I received that day. My mom lived with me for the last eighteen years of her life. I don't think anyone can say that I sought revenge. I forgave my mother and even sympathized with how difficult I was for her. However, I still suffer the effects of her treatment of me.

I easily fall into states of shock. They make me exhausted. Naps relieve the tiredness. Jean, my hanai sister, called while I was napping. Between my fatigue and my lousy state of mind, I couldn't even answer. When I got up, I went out to boost my step count for one of my short walks. I called Jean while I was walking. I shared my upset; I told Jean about dealing with the renewed realization of how my response to shock has affected relationships in my life. Recognizing my similarity to my mom, I swore never to have children when I was eighteen. I didn't want to see myself treating my children like she had treated me. Jean and I also had a normal conversation about our current life circumstances, health, and end of life.

Jean, along with everyone else I know, is thinking more seriously about end-of-life care. Jean and Dorothy are considering retirement communities with tiered care. Judy proposed we form a mutual care contract between herself, her sister, her good friend Carol, and me. We would take care of each other. However, the youngest among us is 72.   

            I managed to get my daily blog entry out and one current update. Other than that, it was hard to move. Saturday is one of my radio days. I listen from 11 to 5 pm.   I spent a good part of the day in the library. I weeded out the boxes I'd saved. I saved the vinegar and almond milk boxes. These boxes are covered with product information and must be covered with paper if they go through the postal system. Paper rips, causing boxes to get lost. I've only lost one so far. I much prefer the Amazon boxes. I have collected at least 50 of those. I have more than enough of them without needing the others. I also spent time looking for books for the Notre Dame Seminary. I found three more. There are about ten more left on the list I haven't been able to find. Since I alphabetized all the shelves, I may find more books.