First thing this morning, I called the Ohio and NJ retirement departments to make arrangements for changing the accounts for direct electronic deposit. There is a 6 hour time difference between the east coast and Hawaii. I have to make phone calls early.
At Bikram, Heather, the instructor told me that she finally realizes what I am doing; I am making minor adjustments with major results. She gets it. She sees my sequencing. I deeply believe in the impact of well thought through small changes.
After Bikram, I went to Island Naturals for pumpkin seeds and to pick up some progesterone cream. I always have to check because you have to buy stuff on the island when it’s available. Everything is shipped in; we often find products we want are not on the shelves.
It was off to Target next to by AZO, considering the possibility that I did have a urinary tract infection. This has been the weirdest experience. I am only suffering mild discomfort. It is nothing like any other UTI I have ever had before. If Jean hadn’t told me about her experience with a symptom-free UTI until she developed a fever, I would never have considered it. Of course, while I was there, I bought Hersey Milk Chocolate bars with whole almonds. I bought a dozen and got some money off as a result. Wow! Got one free.
As I pulled out of the parking lot, I called Dorothy. Today is her 74th birthday. She just had lunch with two friends. I sang the ridiculously off-key version of Happy Birthday that Mike and I used to serenade family. It was an accommodation to Mike’s inability to carry a tune. When he was up on the altar during Mass, if he sang, the pastor told him to turn off his mic. Dorothy and I talked about family. She also said that the way our family handled Mike’s death should be held up as a model. She has heard of situations where people fight with each other about the outcome.
The legal responsibility for Mike’s life lay with me, but I would never have made a decision without consulting Damon, his son. Even if we had different points of view, I doubt we would have fought about it.
Damon was a little ahead of me in his thinking. We had a consultation with the palliative care team the Monday before Mike died. I thought we were talking about how to make him more comfortable to reduce stress and facilitate healing. Damon’s first question was, “Are we keeping him alive for him or for ourselves?” It was somewhat of a surprise but not a shock. The following Saturday, he called Yvette to say that he was ready to let him go. I might have been, but I wanted some sign from Mike that this is what he wanted. Thanks to Deacon Clarence and his wife Vi, I was able to get that confirmation from him. Then I was happy, yes, really happy, to let him go.
When I got home, I called the Deceased Department at the credit card company about the bonus cash reward. They had rejected the documentation that I had sent: a power of attorney and Affidavit of Collection. They said they needed court issued documents. I finally got to speak to a supervisor. That was most helpful. First off, the Trust document naming me as a trustee would be just fine. Second, the joint card, which I had been told I could no longer have access to, had been assigned to me. I had initially been told that I had no claim to our joint card because it was primarily in his name, and I was an add on. I guess that was wrong. The cash bonus reward points had been credited to the bill. I pointed out to the supervisor that poor people, for whom these bonus points might make a huge difference in the face of a loss of a loved one, probably had no documentation which they could use. She agreed with me. Maybe someday poverty will be considered a handicap like any other factor which prevents people from having equal access to the world at large, and there will be some special legislation for making the necessary accommodations.
I did some work on the blog and then went to take a nap. I wasn’t particularly tired but didn’t want to do much of anything else. Also, last night I actually had insomnia. I was able to meditate myself through the night and didn’t wake up exhausted.
I set the alarm for 3:30pm because I had a healing client on the phone at 4. He called promptly. He is a wonderful client willing to face himself to heal—a really amazing man.
I played FreeCell for a while and then walked Elsa. Dinner was the leftover salad which Brenda made for dinner the other night. It was a good-sized salad, two slices of multi-grain baguette, and my lime, now, lemonade, since I have to buy lemons from Costco instead of pick limes off a tree at the bottom of my garden. I went off to watch some TV. I worked on the blog entry for the day before cataloging some books. I walked Elsa at the end of the evening. When we got home, I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. Good night, Elsa, Goodnight, Mike.
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Musings: I’m putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.
C.S. Lewis talked about seeing the loss of his wife as a phase of life, just another phase of the marriage. I like that. I do find myself doing everything with Mike in mind. But I always did that, so there’s no difference. I’ve become aware that I’m doing that when I do something different, like sweep the tiles on the outside lanai, and think of how he would have loved that.
I’m still changing and becoming in response to him, his needs, and desires. But I am noticing that there are ways I have ‘become him.’ No, I am not becoming a deacon in the Catholic church; besides, women need not apply. There are changes in how I manage things. I am very aware of his influence on me. Thank you, Mike. God, I loved that man.
Did we do exciting things? Share thoughts? Oh, by this point, it was just a joy to be in the presence of someone I was completely comfortable with. I rarely, if ever, had that feeling of tightening gut muscles because I felt frustrated with him. I believe he felt the same way about me. Sometimes, I would check and asked him if he felt controlled by me. I asked because everything seemed to be going my way. He said no. I certainly didn’t want him to feel wiped out by my needs.
On the other hand, I’m taking care of money matters now. I do it differently than Mike, and I prefer my way. When he was alive, I knew we had enough that I didn’t have to worry about him accumulating debt.
As far as Mike was concerned, money was better in his pocket than in companies he purchased things from. He paid off credit cards piecemeal. Me, not so much. I never want to be in debt. I wanted everything paid off immediately. I have a greater sense that things can change on a dime, and I want to be ready. Perhaps that’s because of my parents’ experiences going through two world wars and a devastating inflation, which preceded the disastrous depression the United States shared with the rest of the world. Mike’s parents were born in the US. They were first-generation Americans born here. While they had their trials, they didn’t have to deal with the number of radical changes in their circumstances my parents did.
