I had a lousy night's sleep. I tried to pray and meditate through my agitation. I was doing the Hawaiian healing prayer," I'm sorry. I love you. Forgive me. Thank you." You're supposed to say it to some divine being, whatever your beliefs. I tried that and got nowhere. I wound up saying it to Mike. The "I love you" part felt real. It was him I turned to when I was upset. He would hold me and soothe me even if he thought that my behavior wasn't great. That's my current problem. My behavior wasn't my finest. I don't do well when people believe it is okay to ignore my needs. I am always happy to negotiate. I thought the resolution last Sunday night of Kathrin getting a ride home with someone else, or taking an Uber, and me going home alone was a good solution. She didn't. She felt I was disrespecting her need to socialize. I told her afterward that I thought if we went together in the future, she should make alternative plans to get home before the end of the evening.
Whatever she did or did not do wrong is a factor, but my agitation in response instead of ferreting out what she meant and searching for a possible solution before blowing my stack feels lousy. The truth is she has been good about my boundaries up to now. She has slowly worked her way into the space and routine of the house. Now, I have to think she behaved that way because I have power and not because she also respects my boundaries. But, I don't know what the truth is.
I'm also suspect since her reaction was around the car, maybe this is a vestigial adolescent response to something that reminded her of her fights with her parents. There's that as a possibility, and there's the possibility that she is millennial. No point negotiating if the latter is the case.
I was glad to get up this morning and be done wrestling with sleep. Bikram was a wonderful relief. I shared with two of the women that I was upset because I hadn't been at my finest; I started crying. They both rushed over to hug me. That did some good, but even better was the phone call I got from Jean when I started driving home.
I told her I was upset. She said I have more than enough excuses for being not at my best. It means a lot that I even opened my house to a total stranger. She said to forgive myself. I told her I need her to call me every day to tell me that. I think I'll up that to a quick phone call several times a day. I still hurt. Being angry causes me pain.
In response to my text to Yvette saying that Kathrin and I had a fight and she was moving out, Yvette asked if I would like to do dinner. I told her I was going to have a big lunch with the 'girls.' And a big dinner would not suit me. But a visit would be nice. She came up around the dinner hour, and I told her all that went down. She thought Kathrin's behavior was outrageous. Everyone I speak to agrees with me. I have to wonder if Kathrin's friends agree with her. Yvette noticed that Kathrin still hadn't moved her stuff out. She made it clear that she would do whatever I needed to get her out if I wanted. She felt fiercely protective. I thought there might be some guilt because she had brought Kathrin to me. But no. She said she was only planning to have her stay a week. After that, it was my decision. Yvette spent about 15 minutes talking about all my virtues. She says she learned her generosity from me. Can't think of a greater compliment. She made me feel better. Being loved and told that my good attributes outweigh my bad is helpful.
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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.
Mike's mother used to say that the Internet was evil. I never knew why she thought so, but I am beginning to see it that way myself. It looks as if its ready access gives license to our worst impulses. It speeds everything up. It makes it easier for us to communicate with others in positive ways, but it also makes it possible for those who take pleasure coalescing with others around hate gain more power. They can easily find their kind on the Internet. They express their ideas and threats anonymously. It seems hate has a stronger voice through the Internet than kindness and love. Am I wrong?
I think the voice of love is soft and subtle; the sound of hate is loud and strident. I had heard of something good that came out of our rapid communication system when someone reached out to dialogue with a hate monger and won her over. Are these situations rare? Could the Internet be used to help us listen to others with opposing points of view more? I can't seem to get to that with friends I meet with over dinner. The solution to our opposing points of view is not to discuss the topic rather than to dialogue. Dialoguing when there are polarities is so hard. It's easier to avoid doing it. I suppose it's at our peril.
I could ask to hear more of the opposing point of view, but I'm scared about what I'm going to hear coming out of their mouths. I scared I'm going to be reactive instead of calm and try to see the underlying merit in their point of view, as I would with a friend I am negotiating with.
Good conversation follows the same rules as improvisation: when someone gives you a line, follow it with AND not BUT. How can I do that when their opinions frighten me so when I see the ideas they support leading to disaster?
As always, I come back to the idea that if I want to make a change, I have to start with me, "the man in the mirror," to quote Michael Jackson.
