Thursday, June 20, 2024

 Thursday, June 20, 2024 

   Last night was a bad night. I went to bed at 9 and was awake by 11. The rest of the night was a struggle.  I dozed but woke up often. I struggled with fear.  Being alone is tough for me. At one point, I felt Elsa move. It calmed me. I think my unconscious mind thought it was Mike sleeping by my side. Loneliness triggers fear. I tried to calm myself by assuring myself that I was not in danger. Some of those fears come with being human. Being alone was a death sentence when our brains developed thousands of years ago. Some of the fears were the ones I lived with 24/7 as I feared my mother's hysterical attacks for minor things, like leaving a light on, and significant things, like contradicting her. 

   I called the vet to check on the food. Would the Royal  Canin hydrolyzed protein food work, as well as the Ultamino on Elsa, to control her lesions? They said yes. That was a relief. I was ready to order the Ultamino and consider the other food a loss. It's pretty expensive.  An eight-pound bag costs $61. There's free shipping to my sister's house in New Jersey. Then she has to ship it to me for another $30.   Because I was concerned the other food might not cut the grade, I called Chewy. "Sorry. We don't ship to Hawaii." There are lots of companies that don't. The less expensive ground shipping is not an option. Thank God for Amazon.

    It was a Ulu Wini Day.  Everyone wanted to do math. Going-into-second-grade JM worked on two-digit addition without regrouping. 

  Going-into-first TR grade asked to work with me again. During the school year, she never accepted my invitation, but she would spend a lot of time doing cartwheels by my table, glancing at me all the while. She creates her own single-digit addition problems. I've been introducing counting-on, using a number line. She is resistant and continues using her fingers, counting from one.  I will keep on modeling. She is a bright child. She will catch on without my pushing. I called gong-into-fifth-grade CL.  She didn't look happy. I introduced two-digit subtraction with regrouping. This was quite a challenge.

  As I worked with CL, she looked away stiffly, with a blank look on her face. I recognized that look. She couldn't make sense of anything I was saying, perhaps she couldn't even hear my words. Her fear of failure pushed her into freeze mode. I experienced this once in my life.

   When I was nineteen, I attended a state teacher's college in upstate New York. I wound up on a group date with a few girls from my school and a few boys from Cornell, an Ivy League school. We wound up at a bar as a group. The boys were laughing at us. It was very uncomfortable. It got to a point where I couldn't make sense of their words. I am so glad I had that experience. It helped me understand the plight of many of my students and a family member. I don't respond by freezing if I'm scared; I go into fight mode. 

  My aim with CL was to help her overcome her fears. She recognized that she was scared. I introduced a visualization I use. I asked her prefrontal lobe if she thought someone would kill her if she couldn't learn to do the work. She was clear; death was not on the table. Then I told her to picture a little 'her' in the area of the fontanel, have her face the back of her head, and tell every cell in her brain that she was not in danger.  

   At one point, I put my hand on her back to comfort her. She looked at me with alarm. I immediately removed my hand for her comfort as well as my safety.  I couldn't imagine I would get in trouble for my action. I was sitting at a table with twenty other people. I worried about CL, too. Had I done more damage than good?  I didn't cover any math. What she had just gone through was enough.   Her terror precluded the possibility of any information on math penetrating her mental fog.

      Elsa had an appointment at Petco for a grooming. I dropped her off at 11 am.   At one, I got a text that she was ready.   I was at Ulu Wini then.  I picked her up at two. When I got her in the car, I saw how long her hair was.  I want her shaved down to practically bald.  Her hair tangles if she's not cut short. I thought the groomer hadn't trimmed her at all. It looked like all she had was a bath and a blowout for $90.  

   When I got home, I called Judy and reported what had happened. I told her I asked for a puppy cut as usual, and the groomer did nothing. Judy said a puppy cut is a long, fluffy cut. What!!?? I had never had a groomer interpret it that way before.