Friday, May 27, 2022

  Friday, May 27, 2022 

 

  I woke up anxious because of unresolved issues. I would list them in the morning, hoping to make them more manageable. Some of these issues were three years old, getting gravestones for Mike and me, revising my will, finishing a document with specific instructions in case of my death, and requests for Josh and Yvette for their will. Those were the heavy-duty ones. There were a bunch of others, like getting my password to work in Microsoft so I could download files to an email. They were inaccessible when I tried to attach them. I have no idea why. I couldn't find them under any heading. This morning would be my third attempt. I blew it yesterday because I responded incorrectly three times due to nerves. I would have Shivani do it. She might blow it too, but that wouldn't be worse than I did. She nailed it. 

  Getting the gravestones is a huge deal. I started shortly after Mike's death with vim and vigor. The church sent me to a monument dealer in Hilo. He wanted a mere $7000 for a good-sized one. I balked at that. That cost more than Mike's five weeks in the hospital but not more than my five weeks in Honolulu so I could be by his side every day. Friends told me of an alternative. I could go to one of the stone dealers in Kona and order whatever I wanted.

  First, I wanted the limits on the possible size from Fr. Lio. I had trouble getting a consistent answer from him. It ranged from any size, "I'll deal with it"- to fairly small. I was utterly baffled. I ordered two one-foot by two-foot brown granite slabs from a local dealer. 

    Next, I had to find an engraver. Not so easy here on the island. I found one place that could order brass plates from the mainland. I tried another place that used an inlay method. The headstone had to be way too big to fit the superscript 2 in after Ph.D. for Mike's two doctoral degrees. I walked away from that. I found a place in Honolulu that did traditional granite headstone engraving. I had to ship it there. That required finding a place that would crate the slabs. Then I had to drive them up to Kawaihae to the docks. Each step presented its own challenge. Mike's gravestone design was simple. I used the one Sandor designed for Mike's cremation box. Mine was a problem. I struggled. I wanted the words "Mike's Beloved Betty." It's just a variation on "The Beloved Wife of . . . ." but I was still alive using those words to describe myself. I chose them because they gave me comfort. It reminds me that I was loved, deeply loved. How lucky can one get! 

   Yvette came up around 8 am. She delivered a bolster to Shivani and moved the massage table from the library where we'd stored it, during the Damons' visit, back to the guest room. Sharry had said she would return her massage table in a day after taking it for a home visit. She didn't come back. Fortunately, we had the other table. However, that one had cracks in the vinyl. Yvette asked if I had a mattress cover to smooth them over. I offered to use a blanket instead. It worked perfectly, 

  At 9:30, the acupuncturist arrived for sessions for me and Shivani. Shivani went first because I wanted to get as much done on my to-do list as possible before my session.

    As Shivani came out of her session, I heard her make another appointment with Jennifer. Shivani gets regular acupuncture treatments. I figured she thought Jennifer was good. She confirmed that later on with glowing praise. I was glad to have my judgment confirmed.

   My appointment was next. I asked the acupuncturist to work on my shoulder as the PTs had. She did that and then went to my left side muscles and my left leg. 

   I felt more relaxed getting some of it done. She asked me what to work on. As I had done with the PTs, I requested upper bodywork, particularly the left shoulder. I also told her I was vibrating with anxiety. She put some needles into my ear lobes to address that issue. Then she worked on the left arm. Once she had put the needles in, she was inclined to move down to my left leg. 

   The phone rang with an unknown caller. I had called the bank clerk to make an appointment for a notary to get my legal documents signed, and all the appointments for next week were filled. The earliest was on June 27. Can you tell me where I can find another one? They gave me a name and a telephone number. I was on the massage table with nothing to write on or with. I called Shivani to get the phone and write the number down. She came. I reached back over my head and handed her the phone, asking her to write down the number. I pulled on a tight muscle in the left leg and abdomen as I did that. I groaned. The acupuncturist worked to release the spasm.  

  Jean Mabry called to ask if we were coming to the beach. She had said in the morning. I figured we'd be done by 11:30 and head out. That would put us into the afternoon. I'm not good at calculating time. I suck at anything having to do with remembering figures. I got my times' tables memorized, but the price of things, and time- not so much. Jean also told us that she could handle dinner early tonight. Shivani was even prepared to go. I couldn't handle it. I was so raw, on the verge of tears. I wasn't sure of all the causes for this state of mind.

    There were just too many factors to sort out. I hoped I would be better once the surgery was behind me. Despite my fragile state, I had no trouble taking care of Sidney while Shivai slept in. He's a cheerful child, happy to play by himself. I remained calm with him, enjoying his presence. There were a few occasions where I responded too abruptly with Shivani if there was something she was doing I thought could damage something. I can't stop doing that as much as I would like to. Shivani said I don't look crazed, just frazzled. That's pretty amazing; I feel on the verge. I hoped it meant I was shaking off an old self that I would always have been better off without. We'll see. You only know for sure once it's over. 

   When I was finished, I went to the back lanai to call Jean, my hanai sister, to follow up on her notes on my legal statements. Jean was napping and unable to talk. I had made notes on her notes and felt much better, less anxious. 

   As I walked out to the car to hang my mask over the rearview mirror so I had one always available, I saw Alexandra in the driveway I asked her to don a mask. Since she didn't have one, I went a got her one. I introduced her to Shivani and Sidney. We hired her to take care of Sidney while Shivani worked. She brought a lei filled with candy and was an immediate hit with Sidney and Shivani. She stayed for lunch. Shivani made grilled cheese sandwiches with tomatoes, a favorite of both Alexandra and Sidney. 

   After she left, Shivani proposed going to the beach. I decided to stay home today when they went so I could have some downtime. I loved, loved having them here, but I needed time to reorient. It wasn't that I thought I was better alone. God, no, I missed the companionship they provided. I loved the sound of Sidney's continual patter. It is so joyful. His exchanges with Shivani are balm too. She is fantastic with him. I loved all the sounds those two make. It was still an adjustment. It was just too much for my fragile mental condition, all the more so because of Covid isolation.

   Shivani got herself and Sidney ready to go to the beach. I proposed going over to meet Anna first. Peter and Mei immediately invited him to get into the pool when we got there. They pulled back a large black cloth. Anna came out in her mermaid bathing suit; it had a floor-length skirt. She climbed right into the pool. Shivani went home to get Sid's floaties. Once he had them on, he started climbing the ladder to get into the pool. Shivani wisely thought she should get in first to help him. He screamed in distress when he got in, "I don't want to get wet." He got out quickly and jumped into the enclosed trampoline. He was obviously used to it. Shivani said he used one at a friend's house.

  I went home shortly after they arrived to get some alone time. I worked on the updates. They came home about an hour later. Anna and Sidney got along brilliantly. When they left, Anna begged them not to go. I felt I had cheated Shivani out of a trip to the beach, an opportunity she would only have here. She was good with it. It was good to know that Sidney had a friend at hand. I was also sure that Peter and Mei felt that way. They're it if Anna doesn't have a friend to play with.

  Shivani went out to pick up Indian food with Sidney in tow. I was instructed to put a frozen pizza in the oven for 10-12 minutes. I called and told her to call when she left the restaurant. I would put the pizza in then. She said Sidney wanted to go to the beach. I waited. I got hungry. I called to check if everything was okay. They were sitting on the beach; Sidney didn't want to go home. They sat there in the moonlight for a good half an hour. We're talking about a five-year-old loving this. Sid is an amazing kid. Shivani is his amazing mom.