Okay. I’m feeling lonely. I have people who are there in case of an emergency, and I have people who visit me, call me, have lunch with me, but I have no companion. A companion is someone I get along with who does their own thing in the same space, parallel play. A companion reads or naps on the lanai as I read or nap on the lanai. A companion is someone I am happy to share the space with, someone I can negotiate with if I have to, someone I can share a meal or a conversation with. More critical than conversation are those passing smiles as our eyes meet, which say, “I’m good with you being here.”
I am not looking for a Mike replacement. He was a companion plus, plus, plus, plus. I don’t think I need all those pluses. Well, I don’t seem to need them yet.
Sadly Elsa is not very companionable. She was with Mike, but not with me. If Mike went down for a nap, she was with him. If I came home and saw he was napping, I didn’t have to wonder where Elsa was. But she doesn’t do that with me. She comes to me when she needs or wants something, having a ball thrown or being petted, particularly belly rubs. She used to jump into bed whenever we got in. Now, she doesn’t even do that. She usually comes to bed sometime during the night, but she is not a cuddler. I don’t think a second dog is an option because she doesn’t seem to get along well with other dogs. She doesn’t fight, but neither does she play. She ignores them. And, if there is another dog, she becomes very demanding on the available humans. At least she is something for me to think about besides myself. I have to feed her and walk her regularly. I have to clean her ears and take her to the groomer. I tried grooming her with scissors. After snipping her several times, she had had enough. Can’t exactly blame her.
I stopped off at Ace Hardware after Bikram to pick up sun cloth and batteries for my pedometer. We have to block Elsa’s view of the dogs next door. She barks at them like mad if she can see them, and they bark back. Annoying. I bought some ripstop nylon tarps, but they don’t let the wind through and will be ripped off in a good wind. I was trying to find a way to deal with the problem. Yvette turned Scott on to the problem. He told me to buy sun cloth, which is dense netting that lets the wind blow through while blocking out light effectively. He plans to suspend it from the fence and weigh down the bottom edge with twenty feet of pc pipe.
I had lunch today with Mindy afternoon mass. We had lunch in the Indian restaurant across from the church. I love that location. The sound of the pounding surf is perfect: calming, not deafening. It was lovely getting to know her better. Most people from the church have a commitment to me because of my connection to Mike, but they don’t see me as just Mike’s wife. If they did, that wouldn’t last long.
Mindy asked me about the book I was writing on my reading method. She talked about a couple she knows: The wife reads fast and loves reading novels, but doesn’t do well with unfamiliar material. The husband is a slow reader who describes himself as dyslexic. He claims she doesn’t really read. I see them as “Jack Sprat and his wife.’ She depends entirely on her automatic ‘fast’ thinking system; he’s dependent on his conscious, ‘slow’ thinking system. Now, in her case, I see someone for whom reading came easily early in life and never learned to do the work of consciously expanding her reading skills. With him, I’m not sure. Is he someone who just never switched on the automatic system, or is he someone who avoided the automatic system because it was unreliable?
I would love to play with this problem. However, the couple is in their late 70s and early 80s. The more we practice a way of doing something, the more ingrained it becomes. It would be interesting to see if people that old could be motivated to change. I love seeing what my mind is capable of and how it responds, but not everyone is like that.
After lunch, I stopped off at Costco. The low tire air pressure was on. Of course, as I sat there, it went off. The temperature today went over 90. That heat increased the air pressure as the reduced temperature decreased it. It was 74 earlier that morning. So far, sleeping temperatures have been pleasant despite the daytime heat.
I went inside the store to buy my salad and pick up another case of almond milk. I look for the large case by Kirkland because I can use those boxes to ship books. I also stopped at the receiving section and asked if they had any boxes that didn’t have the tops cut off. The lady got me two. I also have several people saving boxes for me.
When I got home, I hit the sofa and slept deeply. I have no idea why I get so tired. I want to think that it is because my body is making radical changes. Yes, today, while doing my morning walk, I achieved something new. It’s slow, but I find the process fascinating.
Yvette left me another Hersey’s milk chocolate bar with almonds. This is the second one in two days. She also came to visit for a few minutes.
Dinner was my breakfast drink since I had a large lunch. I watched some tv and search for a few more books. I almost have enough for another box, actually two boxes. One is a good-sized one holding something like 15 books. The other one only holds two. Since it’s all by weight, it doesn’t make much difference. The little bit of extra cardboard paper and tape on the smaller boxes isn’t going to make that much difference, and they’re easy to carry.
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Musings:
Boy, am I ever glad I kept on reading Brook’s book The Road to Character. I still don’t think we agree on some essential points, but I have learned a lot. He thinks the way I do about what I enjoy thinking about, even if he doesn’t come to the same conclusion.
He covered the development of the Romantic Movement. Rousseau introduced the idea that man was good. My father spoke about Rousseau to me when I was a child. If I remember correctly, there was the idea of the noble savage. In our primitive stage, we are good. Hobbes could have shown Rousseau a thing or two. Hobbes argued for the social contract to keep us all in line.
I’m not in one camp or the other. I believe we have impulses to be part of something larger than ourselves, to be loving and giving. I also think that we have impulses to think of ourselves only, survival. I think both impulses can be good or bad. A person’s need to be part of something bigger than himself and give himself to it totally can be a fanatic who resolves to press his ideas on everyone. A person who only thinks of himself can be prepared to sell his mother for something he wants.
I guess I’m saying that it isn’t our nature alone, good or bad, which determines what we become in the world. It has to do with circumstances. It occurs to me that the colors look different depending on the surrounding colors. Opportunity! It comes back to opportunity.
There are schools of thought that argue that we should restrict opportunity. Religions that say no dancing, no music other than religious, men and women that are not members of the same family should never be left alone together, women should never be out in public unless escorted by a male family member, limiting opportunity. Does that eliminate all bad actions? I don’t see it.
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