I am feeling a difference in my body. I was used to operating at a low level on discomfort and restricting some of my physical activity. This became clear when I finally felt up to vinegar spraying my weeds in the front yard. I’ve been looking at them every day and moaning. I didn’t feel up to doing anything.
But this anger? Katie had already told me that she thought there was some underlying psychological problem that compromises what my body was capable of. I looked but couldn’t identify anything in particular. Not that I didn’t think she was probably right. I just couldn’t identify the cause. Given what I felt this morning, I think it is anger.
The situation that came to mind is my relationships with past therapists. I have a fantastic one now, who either keeps her mouth shut or really sees me as I see myself. That’s not to say that she doesn’t have something to add to my self-image; it’s just that she doesn’t see me as dysfunctional, marginal, incapable of holding a job, as some others have.
Because Yvette and I had problems adjusting to our changed relationship, we went to see a family therapist. The first went into deep countertransference with both of us. The one we are currently working with sees me as in the wrong, although I don’t believe she is in countertransference. She just doesn’t like my personality.
The first one had a big issue with my tendency to make assumptions. Let’s see. Before my rear end hit the seat, she made an assumption about me. It took me a good minute to get her to accept her assumption was incorrect. I had on red shoes, a red bag, a dress with a red and white pattern, and a Target bag. She insisted that I had planned this. I told her I always carried this red bag, I had been wearing the red Crocs with everything for the past several weeks, and the only shopping bag I had in the car was that red Target bag. No, none of it was planned. It made it clear to me from the beginning that making assumptions were her problem, so when she repeatedly pointed out to me that it was mine and never Yvette’s, I knew there was countertransference going on.
Yvette is every woman’s idea of how to look perfect. She is tall, lean, with perfect posture and a graceful, gracious presentation. Yes, she seems perfect. Looking that way is part of her image; it is definitely not part of mine. That therapist was short and squat. You could see by the way she looked and talked to Yvette that she thought this about her. Not a good disposition for a family therapist.
I would complain to my therapist, who volunteered to speak to the family therapist. I said no because I didn’t believe it would do any good. I had once called her on making an assumption about what I thought. She apologized. I hoped it wouldn’t happen again, but it didn’t even slow her down.
I was content to keep going because she was having a positive effect on Yvette’s and my relationship. But then, her behavior took a turn of the worst. She actually took blocked an opportunity for us to discuss a difficulty between us.
Yvette had come up to me one day and said, “I’m getting used to the fact that you have no boundaries.” It was said sweetly and simply. I didn’t interpret it as a rejection of me, just an expression of her discomfort with some of my behavior. I thought this would be an important topic for us to discuss. What were her experiences with me that made her feel I had no boundaries? What behavior made her uncomfortable? I assumed I could introduce the topic, and the therapist, being a trained professional, would see the significance of this opportunity. I didn’t prepare what I said to compensate for her countertransference. I couldn’t imagine her not seeing the importance. I was wrong.
I opened the topic by repeating what Yvette had said and adding, “Perhaps it would be better to say I had different boundaries than she had, and there were good and bad things about how both of us set our boundaries.” The therapist looked at Yvette in alarm and said,” You didn’t mean to be critical.” Yvette said no. Then the therapist turned to me and said, “You see . You made an assumption,” shutting down all possibility of any discussion. She could, I realized, pick up on the opportunity, but she didn’t even do that. With that, I decided that it was no longer fruitful to work with her.
Yvette and I took a break for a while. Then started with a new therapist. She allowed us to do the talking, but it became clear that she has been critical of me and complimentary of Yvette. Even Yvette has noticed the disparity. I believe she thinks I’m abusive, controlling. I indeed do most of the talking, but that’s because I’m much better at using words, and I speak more when I get scared.
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