Bikram was as usual. The therapy session was interesting. I dealt with hatred. I have been experiencing a coldness, indifference, and distance toward people that I'm not used to. I thought it might have something to do with my personal developments since Mike's death. I had been feeling self-reliant, less needy. I have noticed this can leads to a period of resentment towards the people I have felt dependent on.
I have been a pronounced extrovert most of my life. I would say I felt more at peace in the company of others. My sister is the type to most enjoy being alone and reading or doing crafts. I could always enjoy my thoughts, I would say that my favorite toy was my mind, I was also filled with an uncomfortable degree of anxiety. Focusing on someone other than myself relieved that anxiety, or at least distracted me from it. I believe I suffered from PSTD and probably still do. It was one of the gifts my mother passed on to me. I call it second-hand PSTD. She had identifiable causes behind hers; mine is only her treatment of me due to her PSTD. Through years of therapy and meditation, I have learned to calm my system. But now, I'm not as dependent on others as I have been in the past. I can sit quietly by myself and read and write or clean the house or garden and enjoy my own company. My first theory was the newfound independence has released a rage.
I believe this happened to Mike at one point. When he went to get his second Ph.D. at Catholic University in Washington, DC, I remained in Princeton. We didn't even consider the possibility of my moving there. I don't know if the thought occurred to Mike, but it never occurred to me. My mother was living with us; my sister and her kids lived in the same town, and I had a life there. Mike commuted. He left on Sunday night and came home on Thursday night to spend the weekends with me.
I believe he discovered that he was not as dependent on me emotionally as he thought he was. Since he was familiar with bonding through dependence, being connected to me without it was unfamiliar. I think we resent people we were dependent on when we realize that we are not quite as dependent as we thought. When we recognize our inner strength, we resent those we leaned on when we thought we were weak. We have to declare our independence. It sounds like an adolescent state of mind. I think it was this feeling in Mike that caused the years of coolness in our relationship. However, when it finally broke, our relationship was sweeter than it had been before. Whatever the outcome, there is no way I wouldn't have packed Mike off to get his second Ph.D. He had such a wonderful time.
I think I am experiencing this type of resentment. Although, I have always suspected a capacity of self-reliance in me that was a little frightening. I was afraid that I would retreat from the social world. I still fear it a little. It requires remembering that I can make an effort to get out.
I am a master at 'loose social connections.' My Bikram community is an example of that as well as my church community. These are people whose names I know who greet me every time we meet and with whom I share some reciprocal personal knowledge, conversation, and in many cases, affection. But these are not folks I see or even speak to outside of the yoga studio, unless, of course, I should run into them around town. I know everyone's name on the street where I live. When I was living in a commune in Brooklyn, one of my commune mates said, "Betty, the people down the street have a swimming pool. You get to know everyone. Get to know them, so we get invited to swim there." That never happened.
I know the names of employees at Costco or any store I frequent regularly. I notice people; as a result, people notice me. I love getting to know people. I have found other people's lives fascinating. Why did someone become a plumber? Why did someone choose one path versus another? How does someone feel about . . . . just about anything? Judy shares this fascination with other people's lives with me.
One of the schoolteachers where I volunteer said that I do amazing work with the children. When I asked her what she knew about my work, she said nothing. But she saw how I focused on them as I worked. She thought that kind of attention is invaluable. I don't see much difference between what I experience myself doing and what I see other teachers doing. But I know that when I work with the students, I always have questions: what are they feeling? What are their minds doing that works or doesn't work for them? I'm watching people intently for clues as to who they are. Maybe it's that that makes me look like I'm interested in them. I guess you'd have to say I am. Perhaps the only questions other teachers have in mind is, "Do they have the right answer to the question I just posed?" I have to say that I believe some people dislike this quality in me. It makes them feel violated.
But I'm wandering; back to the subject of hatred. While it can be an uncomfortable experience, I believe it is part of every human being's experience. I also think that since I have a capacity for hatred, it has a positive function. However, like everything else, it can be used for good or for bad. Love, or what one person calls love, is not always good. It can also manifest as evil.
I concluded today that the underpinning of all actions and feelings is morality. Am I harming someone else or myself? The narrow way is finding my way between what I owe myself and what I owe others. And that is a very narrow path, which bends and curves differently with each person and each circumstance. It is not only tricky, but it is also impossible to do it perfectly. We have to live with the fact that we will harm others and ourselves. The goal is to minimize both – not just one or the other. I believe that it is as immoral to neglect our own needs as it is the needs of others. This isn't just for selfish survival interests; if our attention to ourselves or others is neglected, we can be guaranteed we are doing something harmful to all parties involved. We may be doing something that looks good now, but the long term impact will be less favorable for all involved: self and others. I also believe that when we do something to harm another intentionally, we harm ourselves.
In the therapy session, I sat with this rather uncomfortable feeling of hatred for specific people and people in general. A particular person came to mind that was currently causing me frustration. It was someone with a limited capacity for compromise, negotiation, or any form of change. I remembered a visualization I had developed in my energetic healing practice that was effective and not harmful. It involves making a statement of intent before starting the visualization: I release this (negative feeling) to heal myself and the person for whom I have this feeling. I name the emotion and the person when making the intention.) Intention is a potent tool.
The first person I did it with today was with my therapist, Shelly. She was game. She has learned to trust me, and I told her if she experienced anything negative to let me know immediately. Was I feeling particular hatred for Shelly at that moment? Not at all. Probably less than anyone else. The focus of this conversation was me. No conflict there. As I observed my body after making that statement, I experienced some heightened relaxation. I checked with Shelly to see if she was also feeling more relaxed. She said yes. That's my criterion for determining if the work I'm doing is going in the right direction. It should always produce greater relaxation, not greater tension. I would have stopped if she had felt something else.
After doing the release with Shelly, I turned my attention to the person who was currently causing me frustration. Something interesting happened. As I did the release, that person's image was surrounded by radiant light. That would suggest that some pretty powerful healing was going on for him and for me. Can I tell you for sure that this is the case? I don't presume to. But I know that I have anecdotal experiences that show that this exercise does not harm and often does good.
After the therapy session was over, I quickly threw on some clothes and drove down the block and up the steep driveway to Judy's house, where Jazzy and Adam were conducting their first doTerra class. I learned new things. I learned why essential oils are effective. The outer membrane of the cell is covered with an oily substance. I have been using Doterra’s On Guard for years on the off chance that it might do something to prevent a cold or the flu. It can fight both bacteria and virus infections because it can penetrate the cell, which water-based antibiotics can't. I am indeed more interested in the product now after the talk than I was before. I am certainly interested in anything that is less aggressive than antibiotics. It was a good thing I brought a shawl with me. It was cold up there.
I left promptly at noon when the program's educational part was over, and Adam got up to speak about purchasing options. I had a luncheon date with a cousin in the generation after mine who I hadn't t shared a two-minute conversation with her lifetime. She was recently married to a young man from Hawaii. They were here to visit his folks in Honolulu, and then they chose to explore the Big Island. Her mom reminded her that I lived here, and she contacted me.
The restaurant was a problem. They wanted to eat at a fish restaurant. Mike and I had eaten there years ago. There were now two addresses for that company. One I was familiar with and one I wasn't. There was a picture of the restaurant on the website. Since it looked nothing like where Mike and I had eaten, I thought they had opened a larger, somewhat upscale restaurant at the other location. I had been warned that the restaurant on Kaiwi street was very noisy during lunch, making conversation unpleasant. I suggested we meet at the Ali'i Plaza location. When I got there, it was clear that this was not the restaurant; it was a take-out place with some picnic tables outside.
I called Lauren to tell her what I had found. We went back and forth about what to do. I suggested that they come to the plaza, and we would all look for a restaurant on Ali'i Drive. It's the tourist center of Kona; there are no shortages of restaurants.
I waited at the entrance of the parking lot, hoping I could stop them from pulling in. I thought it would be best to park in the church parking lot on Ali'i and proceed from there. A restaurant had just opened in the building across the street from the church replacing Daylight Mind. I knew nothing about it except that it had a great view.
As it wound up, it specialized in eggs Benedict in various forms. I had it with fish over rice, and it was delicious. We talked for a good hour and a half. I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know my cousin and her new husband. She reminded me so much of my niece Karin. Their mannerisms are almost identical. It is hard to imagine that they weren't raised together, but they saw very little of each other as they were growing up. To boot, Karin was raised in New Jersey and Lauren on long Island. Maybe it's a generational thing.
Lauren and Bobby went off to buy some poke for dinner; she was sick of hotel food. Then they went to pick up a floral crown, a haku lei. Afterward, they stopped off briefly at my home. It's not the most expensive, certainly not the most luxurious, or in this case the neatest, but Mike and I loved it, and I still do. The best part is its openness to nature. We can close off the bedrooms, the library, and the bathrooms. But that's it. The rest is open air. No doors. The thought of being enclosed is horrifying to me, particularly now that Mike is gone. I experienced a closed-in house as a coffin; I'd feel buried alive. Being in constant touch with nature feels like a necessity to me.
While I straightened up a little, it didn't occur to me to explain why there were boxes in the living room and miscellaneous blankets and pillows. I am still reducing the things in this house. I am finding multiples, many multiples, of everything.
After they left, I took a nap and woke up at 7. I didn't bother taking Elsa for a walk. I had half an apple and some cashews for dinner along with what is now a lemonade because my lime tree is out of season, and I have to buy lemons from Costco.
Yvette came up while I watched the end of the available programs of Schitt's Creek. I must admit the characters were wearing a little thin by this point while there were changes, not enough to last a lifetime. I don't know how people watch soap operas endlessly. I told Yvette I was feeling body aches and suspected I had caught the flu from the kids. This would not be the dreaded coronavirus. It hasn't hit Hawaii yet. She told me that I had further symptoms to get myself to a doctor.
She and Josh were concerned for her. The other day, she had contact with a woman who had collapsed and had to be taken to the hospital. Yvette was in a restaurant bathroom when a woman in the stall next to hers passed out. Yvette had to crawl under the door to open it and called 911. The woman spoke no English, but one of the EMT workers spoke Japanese. There was some concern that Yvette might have been exposed to the coronavirus. I realized since there had been no announcement of a case in Hawaii, it was unlikely.
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