I woke up feeling okay this morning, only a little off. When I'm not feeling quite right, it's hard to determine the cause: is it physical or psychological, or just plain grief? I know as I'm walking with Elsa, my life feels empty. There is no one else on my mind 24/7, as Mike was. I don't mean I consciously worried about him. He was just part of the image of my life. I always knew what my home looked like, and I always knew roughly where Mike was. It's a subconscious checklist. It defined who I was and still does. Only now, there isn't someone else for me to have on my mind except myself. I don't like it. It feels vacant.
It's not that I can't fill my days with activity. There's Bikram, there's school, and there's the house filled with unused and unusable stuff to clear out. There's gardening, and there are reading and writing. School is probably the best for me because I think about the students I'm working with even when I'm not with them. I search for ways to help them improve their skills and their sense of personal well-being. The writing definitely helps. I was told to make it into a blog because it helped others. That very fact helps me. It's an interesting combination. I am surprised that people are still reading it, and also, as I write, I assume an audience. Maybe that's the experience of all writers who write for a general audience. I noticed that I didn't put down shopping on the list of things I do. I do some of that, but that doesn't bring me any joy.
When I got home from my walk with Elsa, that funny physical feeling persisted along with signs of a sore throat. The flu is going around. I decided not to go to Bikram as much for the others in the class as myself. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else being sick. I also canceled my dental cleaning and checkup and took to my couch and went back to sleep. I seem to have an endless capacity for sleep.
I woke up a surprising amount of times to go pee. I thought it was odd until I checked the impact of ginger tea I had been drinking to treat my sore throat. I had ginger tea last night and again this morning. I found out that ginger is a diuretic on the Internet. Just what I need. No more ginger tea for me except in an emergency.
I slept for a while and then worked on the blog, mostly yesterday's entry. I listened to a round table interview with the stars of Schitt's Creek. I was interested in observing the mannerisms of the actors playing Alexis and David out of character. David's the same, only less exaggerated. Alexis's were somewhat the same but radically reduced. Alexis's and David's mannerisms were cartoonish. The actress who played Moira was very different. While the actress's mannerisms were different in person, I never thought of Moira's manners as cartoonish as I did Alexis's and David's. They talked about the problem of making such self-centered dislikeable characters likable, so we continued watching the series and rooting for them.
Musings:
I haven't treated anyone to this for a while. This one is on paradoxes.
Some people argue that we should view all of humanity, if not all living things, if not all things, to be a connected whole. We are all part of something. Others emphasize our individuality, our singularity. I argue for both; everything is both. We are submerged, blended elements of the whole, and utterly individual at the same time.
My example of this is the human hand. We all recognize the human hand; it is universal. But at the same time, each hand is so individual that the fingerprints can be used to identify that person. How's that for a paradox?
I think both concepts are essential to our individual and collective well-being. Each one of us has to find our own way between our concept of ourselves as individuals and as a part of something bigger than ourselves, even an indistinguishable part.
Modern western culture emphasizes individuality over everything else. Other cultures encourage the complete submergence of individuality for the sake of the family or some cultural group, tribe, nation, etc. My best guess that either extreme is soul-destroying and ultimately causes its own destruction. The goal is moderation, a balance between the two poles.
How about thinking of the two concepts being represented on an X-axis. Every culture and every individual is more inclined to one versus the other. That's not bad. We should never be all the same. Each of us has a role to play as we create the greater whole and are affected by it. The problem occurs when someone or some government decides that more of one or the other is so much better. Then we get out of whack, and everything goes wonky. I'm of the ranks of modern-day Ben Franklins, speaking up for moderation in all things.
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