Wednesday, January 22, 2020

    Jean's 78th Birthday. The first thing I did was call her to sing Happy Birthday in the way that Mike and I did it. Since Mike couldn't sing, we made a small adaptation. We caterwauled the melody with a few variations in the pitch and duration of random notes.  

    After Bikram, I rushed home to shower and get ready for my 10 am phone appointment with my therapist, Shelly.  I started working with her in Ohio. She is the only therapist who was willing to allow me to use the methods I developed, which wind up being the most effective. 

    I had one genius therapist whose response to information about the method I developed told me that it would only be useful for me, no one else. Still, she never encouraged me to use it in her company.  Shelly is truly a remarkable woman who puts my well-being before her ego.  Thank you, Shelly.

    Since I've been plagued by loneliness and missing Mike, that's what we worked on.  While I always miss his quiet presence and affection, this missing is about something else. I'm frightened.  I spoke about missing someone to bounce ideas off of and get comfort from when things went wrong.  But as the session progressed, I realized it was about something else too. Mike's personal skills included creating order and staying calm when faced with a problem.  I miss those traits in him.  My role in our relationship was creating disorder and drama. This isn't all bad- except when it is overdone.  A modicum of disorder and drama is good for the soul. Life is full of uncertainties and ambiguities.  Those who need order and are on the more extreme end have a low tolerance for life's unexpected aspects.  I helped Mike learn tolerance for the unexpected. He helped me to learn tolerance for order.  However, it was he who created the order in our life.

            Now, I have to do it. I'm not  good at it.  The library looks like a bomb went off in it.  My strategy is to leave it that way until I've gotten rid of all the books.  I was sitting in the library while I was talking to Shelly. There was a piece of paper lying on the floor in front of the sofa.  I have noticed it repeatedly, been bothered by it every time I saw it, and had done nothing. As I was talking with her, I picked it up.  I have to take over Mike's job of creating order as I go along.