Good news: No change for the worse.
Neutral news: They changed his blood pressure medication to something with an M, which he can take in pill form when he gets out of the ICU and at home. They are weaning him off the L medication.
Bad news: No change for the better.
An uneventful trip back to the ashram last night. I tried to turn on the TV, but it says it was not connected to anything. If I really want to watch something, I can watch it on my computer.
I woke up shortly before 8:30 am after a good night's sleep. My back didn't hurt while I slept, but it did when I got up. Today for the first time, I tried applying the KT tape to my back the way Yvette recommended I do. I had called her for her professional advice. She said to apply the strips parallel to my spine instead of across it. I had thought that I wouldn't be able to it on my own. But necessity is the mother of invention. Wow! I couldn't believe what a difference this made. I was a new woman.
I called the hospital at 8:30, as usual, and was told, "Your son just called," meaning Damon. I think they're a little annoyed by all the repeat phone calls. They told me Mike was the same.
When I got here, I learned there had been some small changes. They had tried to have Mike breathe spontaneously, on his own. He was able to do it for a while, but then started breathing very rapidly. They turned up the support again. The ventilator was set at 16 breaths a minute.
I also learned they were switching his blood pressure medication. Due to the dialysis, he is now suffering from low blood pressure. They were switching him to a medication he can take orally when he can swallow again.
Also, they removed the Foley catheter. He wasn't producing any pee, and they asked him directly if he wanted it removed. He said yes. What a surprise. They're supposed to be damn uncomfortable.
The whole family was here again today: Damon, Cylin, August, Jean, Randy, Dorothy, and me. Everyone has had some time with him yesterday and today. Cylin sat with him for quite a while while we all went out, can't remember why. Cylin has a great sense of humor, much of it is in her delivery. She said she was the only one really qualified to sit with Mike, who is a deacon in the Catholic Church because she was the only one who was a cradle Catholic. She's a lapsed Catholic, but she was there from the start, unlike Mike and me, who converted. Love her sense of humor.
We took turns being with him. He was basically out cold except for a few unexpected moments. Fentanyl will do that to you. I have to assure him his mental state is not a reflection of some brain damage, just the drugs. When I was talking to him, he raised his arm and did some banging.
There is a wonderful story about what happened when Damon and Cylin were in the room talking to each other about the ashram where I was staying. They were commenting on how beautiful it was, how perfect it was for my needs. Mike started banging with both arms. They asked him if he wanted to hear more. Bang! Bang! Bang! So, they told him how the people there all knew me and took care of me, how the food was good, how my accommodations were comfortable and safe. I am so glad he got to hear that I'm okay from someone other than me. I think he was unprepared to take my word for it. But when he just overheard Damon and Cylin talking, he believed what they had to say.
Mike worries about me a lot, even at home, when everything is going well. No, there is nothing particularly wrong with me that he should be so concerned, he just is. But the good news here is his response shows that he is aware of what is going on and my continued presence. I would say he has a reasonable cause to worry about our current circumstances. The situation is extreme for both of us. I'm going to have to go home for one day at least so I can get the taxes together, but other than that, there is no place I'd rather be. Thank God I got turned on to this writing gig. It is relaxing and fun and removes me from the worst of my anxieties as I work to figure out how best to express our circumstances. I think everyone knew before this that I was a wordsmith.
Damon, Cylin, and August left today to return to LA. August has become our mobile One-Man-Genius-Bar. He fixed my phone, Jeans' tablet, and my Kindle. He has turned into a lovely young man. These kids have done an excellent job parenting him without spoiling him. I was concerned there for a while. But so much of the outcome depends on one's true intentions. I think these two kids wound up being great parents. However, I know too, some great parents still wind up with kids who have problems. Luck must play a role in the process, genetic luck, and the luck of circumstances that you can provide your child/children with what they truly need, a pat on the back or a kick in the ass at the right times.
Randy, his sister, needed some time with him. Dorothy stayed with her while Jean and I went to the ashram. Jean hadn't seen it yet. When we got there, she asked if she could take a nap. She had shared a room with Dorothy the night before and had trouble sleeping because Dorothy snored. Jean has hearing problems, but it doesn't protect her from hearing folks snore. Now that doesn't sound fair. Go figure!
We both took a nap. Apparently, I snored, too. I kind of knew I was. I was sleeping on my back. I was having trouble achieving deep sleep because I had some incidents of apnea. If my head is at a certain angle, I snore. I do believe it disrupted Jean's nap time.
Dorothy called to find out where we were. Randy had headed back to the hotel while Dorothy remained with Mike. Dorothy was sitting there, knitting and listening to something on her headphones when we walked in. We're discussing the possibility of Dorothy moving into the ashram with me for the rest of her stay. She said she was too tired to think about it at this time. Yes, sitting and doing very little is very tiring. Dorothy, Randy, and Jean came all the way from the east coast; they had time-change problems to boot.
Cylin asked about his pneumonia. I finally thought to ask the nurse, Dwayne, about it. He looked it up and said there is no indication that there is any fluid in his lungs at this point. Certainly, there is no infection. His pneumonia was always caused by aspirating his own bile and never by a virus or bacteria. However, he is still having some problems with extra fluid in his pleural sacks that surround the lungs. This excess fluid is a result of pneumonia. He has tubes inserted into those sacks, one on each side, to draw the fluid out.
The respiratory therapist, the always adorable Augustine, came in and turned the ventilator up to 18 breaths a minute from 16. I asked Dwayne why they thought he wasn't breathing on his own. He said there were several possible reasons. Anxiety plays a role, but also, he is just too weak to breathe on his own because he is so sick. Ow!
I stayed with Mike until 6:30pm. I just sat there and typed. I was so absorbed in my writing, I didn't even think to remind him of my presence periodically. I just assume he can feel that I am here. But of course, I don't know that for sure.
I packed up to leave and actually open the door to his room without saying goodbye. I don't know what this means. When I went to do my departure ritual, he felt difficult to connect with. I told him he better not just check out on me. Or, am I checking out on him? Or are we moving into a relaxed stable state which is not negative? I don't know. If anyone has any experience dealing with the stages of a prolonged illness of a loved one where death is always an immediate possibility and a healthy life is also a possibility, but not an immediate one, I would be interested in hearing about it. I'm afraid if I start relaxing and stop fighting, I'll send him the wrong message. Could the information that I'm okay without him watching over me every minute means he feels it's okay to leave, permanently? Or is this distance only a sign that he is more relaxed, less anxious about me? I'm trying to find the best way to respond. I feel I have to be careful. It's like treading on slippery rocks in my slippery crocs.
I called Dorothy as I was leaving the hospital. We had considered having dinner together either at the ashram or in Waikiki. She was tired, and the idea of making a big deal about dinner didn't feel right to me. I headed directly to the ashram. I knew today was the big celebration day for the Krishna community in Honolulu. When I arrived, there were about 30 people dancing and singing in the temple room. Dancing and singing is the form that their worship takes. I went around the back of the house and entered the dining room from the outside. There was someone there cleaning tables. I asked if there was any food left. He said, "I'm sure." When I went up to the buffet set up, it was empty. I asked, "Should I go inside the kitchen?" "Yes." The large serving trays were sitting on a table and I was told to help myself. Some potato dish, deep-fried broccoli, nan bread, a bean dish, and a cookie. Govinda was there. He had noticed that I hadn't been there for dinner. He said he would bring me something to drink. Usually they serve a lemonade mint drink. Sometimes it is actually green. It is different with every batch. But, tonight's drink was an avocado drink. Govinda said, "You'll like this." And, I did. It is milk with avocado, I assume blended together, and sweetened. It is good. When I was finishing up, Govinda brought out the whole vat that the drink had been made in. He was trying to push it off on me. I said, "Can't that just go in the refrigerator?" Yes, but the problem was he was concerned that he would just drink the rest of it himself. He's a slender man. He can afford that luxury.
After dinner, I went to the cabin and called Judy, my hanai mommy, to tell her I was okay. I always let her know when I've safely arrived somewhere. She frequently comments on how well I'm doing, living and driving in a strange town with people I don't know. You know, I think my whole life has prepared me for this. I was a kid who went to camp and loved it. Mike has frequently said, if it weren't for him, I'd be living in a closet. Does a bed in a bathroom qualify? I like camping out, making due. I find it fun and adventurous. Mike finds dealing with the unknown like that a nightmare, CHAOS!!! To each his own. I feel like Brer Rabbit thrown in the briar patch.
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