I am so tired. This all started on Thursday when Vicki announced that it was the 18 month anniversary of her husband's death over lunch. Boy, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I have finally woken up to the inevitable conclusion that I will not see Mike again, and it's exhausting. Vicki worked off her grief by walking 6 miles a day for a year. Me, it looks I'm going to sleep and sleep and sleep. I was too tired to stand during church today. There is such heaviness inside of me, carrying an extra load around my heart. I'm not thinking of Mike or missing him; it's all in my body-brain. Boy is that part of me putting up a stink.
I came home from church and slept for another 2 hours and woke up still tired. Damon had called on Friday. I should have called back, but I didn't have the energy. Shivani called on Friday. It was a lovely conversation, but I was tired.
Despite tiredness, I did my Sunday walk around the block with Elsa. I made a point of going our usual way; that way, I go down the steepest hill instead of up it. I try not to fight the way I feel but go with it and still walk. How long is this going to last? I don't want to do much of anything except sleep.
Lovely long talk with Damon. Among other things, we talked about doing some remodeling oh his home. The upstairs has three bedrooms and one bathroom. Two of the bedrooms are reasonably sized, by today's definition, and one is small. Damon is talking about putting in a master bathroom. I suggested that he put the bathroom over the garage facing the street and a good-sized master bedroom between his existing bedroom at the back of the house and the bathroom. That way, the bedroom wouldn't be facing the street, and they would have a great view from their bedroom. This conversation generated an idea for some renovations I'm planning.
Once Mike's library is cleared out, I'm thinking of making it another bedroom with an attached bath. There is a small area off the main room where Mike put his four file cabinets of notes. It's not huge; it's big enough is for a sink and a toilet. Then it occurred to me that I could break through the outside wall and project a shower area out into the back yard. It would be within the required boundaries because it wouldn't go beyond the edge of the roof overhang. I could put a skylight into the shower and even a door leading to the outside. I have a door to the backyard in my master shower now. If I wanted to rent that area, someone could have access to the yard without going through my bedroom and bathroom. I love the idea.
Kathrine took me to dinner with the Krishnas. A couple, Manuel and Bernice, hosted. These folks converted when they were kids at Berkley. I remember the Krishnas singing on the streets of NYC in the 70s. They were weird. Now, these same folks are middle-aged and older. From this perspective, their conversions look very different.
The hosts are professional musicians. They produce a whole different order of music than what I experienced on Oahu when I stayed at the temple there, where the music and dancing was more volume and enthusiasm than musicality. It was clear that for these folks, their artistry was a form of meaningful worship. It was easier for me to relate to the chanting in its more subdued version.
The meal was fantastic. Afterward, there was more chanting, a period of silent meditation, and a short reading from the Badagavita accompanied by an explication. It was a great experience.
When I came home, I didn't watch TV or catalog books. I did some work on the blog and went to bed.
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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.
I was catching up with last week's Sunday Times and came across an article on morality, what it means to be good. Well, that expanded my thinking. There was a reference to Peter Singer's "extreme demand that we sacrifice our deepest personal commitments to help starving people on the other side of the planet…" Hmm! At some level I agree with this, but . . . I'm quite clear that I am in no way prepared to do this. How do I navigate between the extreme deprivation of some of the people on the planet with the luxury I'm living in? Talk about a narrow way. Am I aware of this disparity? Was I raised to believe that I am involved with every human being on the planet, add in every plant and animal? Yes. Do I feel the weight of this burden? Yes. Enough to force me to sacrifice my life? No. Do I worry about this? Yes, but not often enough or deeply enough for me to make a difference. I make my annual contribution to those in need. That does something to absolve me, but not much.
I live in a three-bedroom house, alone now. Hawaii has the largest homeless population in the country. Am I prepared to let a family of 7 move in with me? Move-in while I move out to more appropriate quarters for a lone woman? No, on both counts. I love my home. I love the way I live. I have a wonderful house. Do I have any idea how to reconcile my commitments to me and to those who suffer in this world? No. Does it weigh on me? Yes. Does that do anyone any good? I seriously doubt it. I enjoy what I have more than I obsess about what others don't have. However, I still believe that my life is affected by others' suffering, even if they are on the other side of the planet.
Despite tiredness, I did my Sunday walk around the block with Elsa. I made a point of going our usual way; that way, I go down the steepest hill instead of up it. I try not to fight the way I feel but go with it and still walk. How long is this going to last? I don't want to do much of anything except sleep.
Lovely long talk with Damon. Among other things, we talked about doing some remodeling oh his home. The upstairs has three bedrooms and one bathroom. Two of the bedrooms are reasonably sized, by today's definition, and one is small. Damon is talking about putting in a master bathroom. I suggested that he put the bathroom over the garage facing the street and a good-sized master bedroom between his existing bedroom at the back of the house and the bathroom. That way, the bedroom wouldn't be facing the street, and they would have a great view from their bedroom. This conversation generated an idea for some renovations I'm planning.
Once Mike's library is cleared out, I'm thinking of making it another bedroom with an attached bath. There is a small area off the main room where Mike put his four file cabinets of notes. It's not huge; it's big enough is for a sink and a toilet. Then it occurred to me that I could break through the outside wall and project a shower area out into the back yard. It would be within the required boundaries because it wouldn't go beyond the edge of the roof overhang. I could put a skylight into the shower and even a door leading to the outside. I have a door to the backyard in my master shower now. If I wanted to rent that area, someone could have access to the yard without going through my bedroom and bathroom. I love the idea.
Kathrine took me to dinner with the Krishnas. A couple, Manuel and Bernice, hosted. These folks converted when they were kids at Berkley. I remember the Krishnas singing on the streets of NYC in the 70s. They were weird. Now, these same folks are middle-aged and older. From this perspective, their conversions look very different.
The hosts are professional musicians. They produce a whole different order of music than what I experienced on Oahu when I stayed at the temple there, where the music and dancing was more volume and enthusiasm than musicality. It was clear that for these folks, their artistry was a form of meaningful worship. It was easier for me to relate to the chanting in its more subdued version.
The meal was fantastic. Afterward, there was more chanting, a period of silent meditation, and a short reading from the Badagavita accompanied by an explication. It was a great experience.
When I came home, I didn't watch TV or catalog books. I did some work on the blog and went to bed.
- - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.
I was catching up with last week's Sunday Times and came across an article on morality, what it means to be good. Well, that expanded my thinking. There was a reference to Peter Singer's "extreme demand that we sacrifice our deepest personal commitments to help starving people on the other side of the planet…" Hmm! At some level I agree with this, but . . . I'm quite clear that I am in no way prepared to do this. How do I navigate between the extreme deprivation of some of the people on the planet with the luxury I'm living in? Talk about a narrow way. Am I aware of this disparity? Was I raised to believe that I am involved with every human being on the planet, add in every plant and animal? Yes. Do I feel the weight of this burden? Yes. Enough to force me to sacrifice my life? No. Do I worry about this? Yes, but not often enough or deeply enough for me to make a difference. I make my annual contribution to those in need. That does something to absolve me, but not much.
I live in a three-bedroom house, alone now. Hawaii has the largest homeless population in the country. Am I prepared to let a family of 7 move in with me? Move-in while I move out to more appropriate quarters for a lone woman? No, on both counts. I love my home. I love the way I live. I have a wonderful house. Do I have any idea how to reconcile my commitments to me and to those who suffer in this world? No. Does it weigh on me? Yes. Does that do anyone any good? I seriously doubt it. I enjoy what I have more than I obsess about what others don't have. However, I still believe that my life is affected by others' suffering, even if they are on the other side of the planet.
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