Monday, July 15, 2019 (Today is my father's 116th birthday.)

    While driving to Bikram today, I pressed my left pinky toe into the floor of the car.  A whole new world.  I have been working on stretching the area between the knuckle of my left little toe and the heel's start — that caused significant cramping in my left calf muscle.  I would push the foot stretch until the cramp started, wait for a second, and then release the cramp.  I have learned that over time, with repeated stretching, the pain goes away.  Now, when I stretch the side of the foot, there is minimal cramping. I'm on to the next challenge, pushing that little toe into the ground to activate the lower leg muscles.  As I applied that principle in Bikram today, it made a huge difference, a whole new set of muscles were activated.  I am working on the belief that misalignment caused misuse of the body, which caused muscles to atrophy and connective tissue to dehydrate and become hard.  As I have aged, muscles have weakened in general, and the compensations I had in place became ineffective.  Now, I have to wake up the body I was born with.  Looks good. We'll see. I'm on a journey which I find interesting.  The end of the road may still be a THR.
    The other day Heather spoke about pressing the thumb against the index finger in postures requiring a handgrip.  This exercise strengthens the thumb muscle and prevents the pain associated with arthritis.  I remembered trying to climb a rock wall in Princeton when there was an event in the Princeton Shopping Center. My 14-year old nephew clambered up that wall with ease.  He might as well have been crawling on the ground.  Me, not so much.  I was amazed by how much strain I felt.  I must have been in my 60s, but I still was under the impression that my body would not fail me despite age and lack of use. I'm thinking that a good way to get some arm strengthen back is merely pressing the fingertips against something with some real pressure.  This may serve as an upper arm exercise for others who not inclined to work with weights, like me.
    As Mike requested in the Will, I made arrangements with my financial advisor and Damon to set up a trust account in August's name.  Mike stated that he wanted to proceeds from his life insurance to go to August. However, he never changed the name of the beneficiary.  That remained in my name.  So, when Mike died, I cashed out the life insurance to pay off the mortgage on this house.  The less debt I carry, the more I like it.  Mike was the other way around. Sometimes I had to show some muscle to get my way.  I did when I thought it was necessary.
    I discovered that Mike wanted the Life Insurance money to go to August when I read over the Will some time in June. "Yikes!  Look at this." I could have left it until I died.  If I hadn't read the Will, he could have waited until I was dead.  Methinks, that all he could do with that money was then pay for his child's application fee to college. I'm glad I did catch it because there is no way I am not honoring Mike's intent.  No way.  It gives me joy to do what he wanted. It keeps me connected.  God, I loved that man.
    I called Damon immediately to tell him what I had found. Then I called my financial advisor at Raymond James to start figuring out how to get that sum of money due August, which was no longer available through the life insurance, into a custodial account.   Damon spoke to Rick at Raymond James,  and then Damon also talked to his tax accountant to see what the penalties would be.
    Once we were all clear with the tax accountant and ready to open an account for August,  I asked Rick how much  I had in my cash account.  The sum is not equal to the Life Insurance Policy; it isn't even close.  I proposed moving 5/8th of that money over to August now and then slowly selling stock to cover the rest of the amount due, so I'm not kicked in the balls by a huge tax bite on capital gains.
    My financial advisor told me that I would not maximize the financial benefit for August. I told him we had to find a way to do the best for both of us.  He also asked me about making some changes to my investments. I told him to call Damon.  I don't like to talk about money. Bonds, stocks, money markets.  I know those terms, and that's too much already.  My financial advisor said that he didn't think it wouldn't be appropriate for Damon to be in that position.  I said there was no choice.  I also told him he could share everything with Damon. He had told me about what would to his advantage in setting up the trust account. I think Rick was concerned that Damon would misuse his authority to my disadvantage.
     I called Damon and told him my proposal.  His only concern was that I was depleting too much from my account.  Boy, that made my heart swell.  I called Raymond James right back and told them what he said.  The broker said this is not usually the case.  For the most part, money brings out the absolute worst in people even when there is plenty to go around and more than is needed to live comfortably.  The advisor said that our story is like a breath of fresh air.  She said Damon must feel very lucky; I told him I don't think he knew the difference. This is how he had been raised.
    I called Damon back to tell him what the broker said.  Damon said that Dad had set the example; it was a pretty high bar.   Actually, it is me who set this bar from the beginning.  It is me who initiated that Damon's mother be included in all family events. As for money, Mike believed that money was always better in his pocket than anyone else's. Was he a poster child for greed? Far from it, but the moral principle of always negotiating for a win/win situation is something I brought into the marriage.  Mike had a strong ethical basis in the larger world, and he didn't fight the values that I brought to the marriage. He adopted them and then when he became a Catholic and then a Deacon, embraced them entirely as his own.  I couldn't live with someone who wasn't willing to negotiate, so everyone gets the best they can out of the situation.  I have family members who have no idea how to negotiate and see all such activities as manipulations to undermine them. So sad.
    In the past, I have said that my two most significant accomplishments in life are my marriage and my relationship with my mother.  She was a difficult woman who lived with Mike and me for the last 18 years of her life. While she expressed appreciation for the situation we provided to others, she never thanked either one of us.  Nonetheless, without actually verbally negotiating, my mom and I did arrange a way to get along with each other.   I had the opportunity to be a good daughter.  I feel I can add the unified family to my list as another accomplishment. This does not mean that it's all my doing.  It is impossible to accomplish interpersonal harmony on the initiative of only one person.  I was damn lucky.
    Also It  doesn’t mean that all is hunky dory in the family these days. There was a crisis and I’m not even speaking to one member of the extended family.  When Mike was sick in the hospital, I think we both held out hope that things could improve between us.  She did something and for me it made things worse if anything.
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Musings:  I’m putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.
   In yesterday's homily in church, the priest talked about surrendering to our true nature, which is love. Ah, That is undoubtedly a big one.
     One of the things that attracted me to Catholicism is the recognition that our true nature is an equal capacity for good or evil, and it's up to us which way we go.     I was happy to accept that Jesus was the only son of God, in my way, because the story is He is was born without sin; Therefore, I was not, and trying to be that way is pointless. Ah!  My mother, both for philosophical and neurotic reasons, devoted a lot of her parental time convincing us that we were failed human beings.  She regularly accused me of being selfish, inconsiderate, disrespectful, etc.  I really tried to be good.  Being good was a goal, but I always fell short. What was wrong with me? This resulted in a serious dislike of my failed self.  How to escape it?  When I was young, people who knew me can tell you I spent a lot of my time running, literally.  I was a whirly gig of anxiety.  But, sadly, there was no way to outrun it.  There never is.
Besides my mother's constant reminders of my imperfections, I did a thought experiment when I was sixteen, shortly after my father died.  I tried to do a truly unselfish act.  Our next-door neighbor lawn, a widow in her late middle age, was covered with fall leaves.  I would go out and rake them up.  Well, that wouldn't be utterly unselfish because she would thank me. I would feel like a million bucks for the recognition of my goodness — Nix that.  Then I thought I would do it secretly when she was out.  That way, I would avoid her praise.  Hmm!  She might be disconcerted by someone coming along and clearing her lawn anonymously.  Well, that wouldn't be kind. I also thought I would know I had done something good.  I couldn't think of any way to avoid a selfish feeling.  This was not comforting knowledge.  I am one of the few people I know who believe there is always a selfish motivation no matter what the act, even sacrificing one's life.
    We can never judge ourselves as unselfish.  That is something others can evaluate.  Has my action given or healed someone else?  Has my action taken something away from or hurt someone else?
    Which brings up another aspect of the human condition:  Taking from or hurting others is just part of the human condition. It's inescapable. But it is another matter if we set out to hurt people for the pleasure of doing it or not considering others' needs.  The best we can do is commit to doing what is best for ourselves and the other(s) in each moment. Does this guarantee that we won't hurt someone?  Sorry.