I got more stretch in my left foot and lower leg at Bikram today, and my upper thighs when I stood upright. I put all my focus on those two objectives. Heather, the instructor, came up to me during class to ask me if I was all right because I was doing such a minimal amount. I fear that I will lapse back into my old compensatory movement pattern if I try to do more. I would rather start from the beginning and focus on these small changes. Once my body gets used to them, I can go back to getting deeper into the asana. It amazes me that people don’t see what I‘m doing. However, I don’t know if I would see it clearly if I watched someone else work as I do. I think everyone thinks I’m having a bad day, or even worse, they worry that I’ve lost more of my range of movement due to age or depreciation.
When I got home, Kathrin was on the phone. She called me over. It was her parents. I suggested a while ago that she introduce me to them so they can see that she is in a safe situation and not with some crazy lady running a brothel.
Then I napped. Boy, am I ever tired. Is it the work, the chiropractor, did on me yesterday? Is it the grief I feel about Mike’s loss triggered by my encounter in the bank yesterday? Is it lack of protein? Is it the oppressive humidity we have here now because of the side effects of a tropical depression? Is it the sudden withdrawal from Hersey’s Milk Chocolate Bars with whole almonds? I’m off them for a while.
I wasn’t getting satisfaction from them anymore. I was downing 2 to 3 bars a night and still not feeling satisfied. I think it is a way to judge if something is good for me or not. If I am not satisfied by a little bit but require more and more, it’s bad for me, and my body needs a rest. Judy suggested that this withdrawal could be a problem, causing insulin fluctuations. Who knows. Too many options. The one I can fix is the lack of protein. Kathrin is planning on making eggs tonight.
When I woke up from my several-hour nap, I saw Elsa had pooped on the lanai rug. Poor girl, it certainly wasn’t her fault. Usually, I go to the bathroom more frequently, and she will come and ask to go out of the bathroom door to the back yard. I apologized for putting her in such a difficult position. Then to clean it up. After I picked up the bulk of it, I went to work with my Rainbow vacuum cleaner. I poured water on the spot and sucked it up with the vacuum. I did that over and over until the spot looked clean and relatively dry. In my experience, by the time I’m through with this procedure, the spot I’ve cleaned is the cleanest on the rug
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Musings: I’m putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.
I believe there are several reasons people become addicted to chemicals. Because of the opiate crisis, we know that it doesn’t always start as a pursuit of pleasure, keeping up while chugging with friends, or the avoidance of some physical pain. Some people use chemicals to self-medicate and avoid facing their disappointments with themselves and their lives.
Getting free from the grip of that addiction is a challenge. There are two critical factors in making any changes in ourselves. First, setting a goal, and second, having the means for achieving that goal: the what and the how. I am wondering how many of these folks only have the goal of freeing themselves from the addiction. If that’s the goal, then they have to choose between their suffering with the addiction and their suffering without it.
Without the numbing effect of chemical addiction, they have to deal with pain, shame, and disappointments. With the addiction, they have to deal with the disappointment in themselves for not controlling themselves and the consequential shame. If those are the only two choices, I can understand why addicts stick with their addiction. At least with the addiction, there are moments when they are numbed to the pain. Without the benefit of the chemicals, they have to face the pain and shame 24/7. These folks don’t see a third option: being relatively free of suffering without chemicals. How do you convince people that there is a third alternative? How do you convince people they can survive exploring this third alternative? It does mean facing something they would rather not about themselves. It’s a tough call if they can’t imagine dealing with hidden feelings without being destroyed by them.
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