Monday, August 26, 2019

    I woke up around 4:30 and only dozed after that.  My heart was racing, and my breathing became shallow.  I was reminded of the way I felt after my dad died when I was 15.  I had insomnia until the first night, I slept in my dorm room my freshman year of college.  With my dad gone, I had no buffer between me and my mom, who took pleasure in telling me that I was wrong about everything and that no one liked me.  I was terrified.  

    I think I feel somewhat like that now without Mike.  Mike was a buffer for me, even as he was a critic.  His supportive behavior outweighed his negative.  Maybe it was nothing personal; perhaps I just projected those traits of my father onto him.  

    My mom first met Mike when our relationship was well set.  I hadn’t talked to her for a year; I needed time off for good behavior. Mike and I went to her house for dinner.  I desperately needed a nap.  I went up to my old room to lie down, something my mother would think completely inappropriate when there was a guest.  Mike, knowing how my mother would respond, got a chair, sat at the head of the bed, and read and protected me from her assault. I had to get through to my nonconscious mind that a) I survived her attacks, b) she’s been dead now for 18 years, and c) I can survive the criticisms of others.  

    When I left for Bikram, I already had yoga brain. It didn’t clear during the class. I felt a little dizzy and nauseous.  When I was young, it was pregnancy scares; not that I’m old, it’s stroke scares.  I lay down after 15 minutes and stayed down for the rest of the class doing nothing.    

    When I got home, I did half an hour of work on the blue flowers with the great name of plumbago.  Then I showered and went to school.`    

    At school, I worked with K on her attitude and fears. I see a clear improvement in B’s reading. It is hard to convince kids that it is worthwhile to stop when you are not sure of a word and use the conscious process to analyze it.  I keep telling them that each time they do that, they are training their nonconscious mind to do that work.  Once the nonconscious mind knows how to do it, it can do it at lightning speed.  We use our conscious minds to teach and train our nonconscious minds.          .