What a delight it is to sleep on a freshly made bed with clean, air-dried linens. I slept like a baby but woke up shortly before six instead of eight when I had set the alarm. This allowed me to do some gardening before I had to shower for church. When I came home after church, I read in my new book on breathing before I lent it to Heather. Then I napped so I would have the energy for the two-hour yoga workshop with Heather at 3 pm.
From the book on breathing, I learned that kidney problems can cause breathing problems. CO2builds up, causing rapid breathing, which promotes anxiety and high blood pressure. This describes my poor Mike. He didn't have a chance. At least he had 78 years, and I got 45 of them. He was probably better to me than he was to himself.
I was a little disappointed in the yoga workshop. I thought it would be more specific on breathing and the postures. Heather went over some of the asanas in detail, but it was pretty much the same dialogue I have heard for 14 years. Repeating it slowly doesn't do much for me. She did give me one helpful suggestion, but I found she paid more attention to the more advanced students. I can understand that. They are more fun to work with. They make more substantial improvements more quickly. I like working with slow students because I get the importance of small, even tiny changes. I also learn from them as I work to solve their problems. But I also need a break from them now and then because those changes come after much hard work. The better students make changes quickly. The rich get richer, is a true axiom.
There were some bumper car moments during and after the workshop, communication not going smoothly between me and others and mild feelings of annoyance coming up. I tried the Ho'oponopono prayers, the Hawaiian healing prayer. I found I had to say it to myself. I don't consider myself a people pleaser by any means, but it scares me when people are irritated with me. I think this is a very primitive response.
Is there anyone out there who doesn't respond when someone shows annoyance with them? The response can feel bad, complicated by the following the feeling with anger or irritation with the person who was annoyed with me. Then, of course, it's necessary to dismiss that person as being defective themselves for judging me. Who are they to be annoyed with me? And then, the internal argument starts as I defend myself. Is this only me because my mother tortured me with constant criticism, or are these responses common?
Damon called to start the process of ordering my airline tickets for my west coast trip in September. While I was on the phone with him, I told him that since his dad died and I had no one to complain to when I was down, it had become his job. The poor guy! I guess he is the closest I can come to having Mike around. I told him how I was hurt because of those bumper car moments I had had earlier. He started telling me not to take it personally. (Another of my favorite expressions, hmmm. ) I don't take their actions personally. I fully understand they have lives of their own, and I'm not their top priority. I don't expect to be their top priority. But I have been abandoned by the person for whom I was a top priority. I am alone. That is my personal experience. I understand this is something I'm going to have to go through, again and again, and again until I'm okay with being without my one and only for whom I was his one and only. I am alone as I haven't been in 45 years.
I instructed Damon just to say, "Moof-moof." "What?" "Moof- moof." I had to train the poor guy. At least he's not rushing in with solutions anymore; he's getting much, much better at just listening. He said he wishes he could do more. But the truth is he can't. Moof-moof is the best he can do, and it is good enough. It helps. I felt much better after he said it a couple of times. I am so lucky to have him in my life. His wife Cylin has been comforting too, but Damie Doo gets to carry the load. Hopefully, it won't be too heavy for him. What's completely clear is that he cares about me and loves me. I'm his step-mother. Some parents don't get as much from their birth children. How lucky am I?
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Musings:
I did the Ho'oponopono prayers on myself. Vitale said that we are saying this prayer to some higher being. Now I'm thinking maybe we're always saying it to parts of ourselves. Saying the prayer didn't relieve all the tension, which had built up in my body.
I then tried the trick of communicating from my conscious mind to my nonconscious mind that my life was not in danger. This relieved a lot of the tension I had built up. I think I've written about this before. I think we are hard-wired to fear antagonizing members of our social group. In primitive times, if we annoyed the wrong people or enough people, we could be banished. Banishment meant death. We would be exiled to live in the wild on our own, entirely on our own. Not much hope for survival there. Annoying people had an implicit threat built into it.
While we are not in danger of being condemned to death today, our primitive minds do not know that. They were not designed in the context of the modern world. Does this make us out of touch with reality? No. The truth is we are designed to respond this way. We need a way to deal with the reality of the way our minds work and the way the world outside our minds work. Rationale argument does not work against the brain's internal part if you are only arguing with the prefrontal lobe or rationale mind. You need a method for communicating with the primitive part of the brain.
The one I use works for me and others I have tried it with. I have the conscious mind communicate directly with the brain cells in the back of the head. The conscious mind tells these brain cells that no one's life is in danger in the current circumstances. It is very much like a parent having to explain to a child that they are safe when they may feel danger. It is essential that the conscious mind not lie to the nonconscious mind. If there is a risk involved, that has to be made clear. The conscious mind has chosen the best alternative under the circumstances. It is clear that no one intends harm; in a medical procedure, harm may be possible while no one means it. That's a biggy.
There are circumstances where this method will not work. Groups of people who have been subjected to genocide have rational reasons to fear the possibility that others will kill them if they are displeased with them. In those cases, situations have to be parsed. The immediate situation has to be separated from the broader context of human intolerance for other humans. But I never push it. If the conscious mind continues to fear, only harm can come from that.
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