I slept well and was up before the alarm went off. In June, it was light at 5:30, but now, it is not so much. Being close to the equator, the swing between sunrise and sunset isn't as great as it is further north. There is about an hour difference in the sun's schedule between the dead of winter and summer height. Paulette, who moved here from Detroit, misses those late sunsets. It is often still light in Detroit at 9 pm in the summer. Not here.
Elsa and I went for our walk. I'm still walking up and down our street. While my leg is 'improving,' doing that puts a strain on my hip joint. When I came in, I meditated. Then, I went outside to do some gardening. I had a 10 a.m. appointment with my therapist. I had an interesting observation during my meditation, which I worked on in the session.
Out of the blue, I thought of a friend who enjoys the admiration of men. It occurred to me that she interprets that as having power. On the other hand, I see that kind of attention as an expectation I can't or don't want to fulfill. It makes me feel powerless. I realized that is what is going on with my work. I want the work out there, appreciated and used, but I don't want the attention. My fear of being unable to fulfill someone's expectations is one factor that made me decide against having children. Where do I get this burden from? Let me see. I had a father who hoped I would solve the problem of world conflict, and a mother who was afraid of everyone and expected me to protect her. I'm lucky I have any marbles left. I had only two choices: have no boundaries or keep everyone out. My relationship with Mike worked because he wanted me to take care of myself and not satisfy his demands without regard for myself.
I left for the DMV to file Josh's title. This was the last piece in getting the car out of my name and into his. Done! When I arrived, there was no one there. At first, I thought they were closed. But the greeter's window was open. I got my number and sat down, waiting to be called. I must have taken half an hour. No one's number was called. No one came out of the office. No, they were not at lunch. I can't begin to imagine what they were doing. When it was called, it took two minutes to get to speak to an agent. Then I headed home, plugged in the car, and lay down for a nap.
I have been struggling with figuring out how to deal with the Tree man who massacred my lime tree, cutting a one-story tree down to shoulder height. When I was dealing with the car purchase, Scott told me that he could help me if I needed him. I called him and asked him if he would help me deal with this guy. I figured if I called and complained, his only response would be, "Stupid bitch!"
Fortunately, Scott came down to look at the tree before we made that call. He told me the guy probably cut it down that far so I could pick the limes more easily, cutting it to the height of the keiki, kids. I should think of trimming the tree like a bonsai. There is no way I can safely reach the top of the tree. He told me to buy a pole pruner. B. said Elijah can easily do that work under my direction. He also said he would contact a friend of his and determine the best fertilizer for a lime tree. He'll pick it up for me.
Judy called while Scott and I were at the bottom of the property. When I called her back, I told her what was going on with the tree. I feel much better knowing that my wonderful lime tree isn't a lost cause.
However, I am a gardener's worst nightmare. Nothing I plant, nothing I ask to have planted, grows well. It's absurd. Now, that isn't quite true. I planted some lavender in a tub, and it is doing beautifully. Judy said she would help me distribute the fertilizer to deflect my curse. She said she didn't know if she could do much better. I proposed that Paulette, the good gardener, be the one to put down the fertilizer, and Judy and I stand by singing hymns and shout Hallelujah!
Yvette came up bearing gifts: sourdough baguettes, two muffins, and a Ziploc bag with popcorn. She had made a Costco run and was sharing the haul.
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Musings:
I am reading Spiritual Bypassing by Robert Masters. Spiritual bypassing results from using spiritual practices to avoid the negative aspects of self rather than facing them in constructive ways to heal. The goal of spiritual practice should always be to be a better person for oneself and others.
I just read his chapter on Spiritual Gullibility and Cultism. This results from people looking for a shortcut, bypassing the problematic aspects of spiritual growth. (As I write this, I can picture people who wallow in their dark side, punishing themselves always for not being perfect- another form of spiritual bypassing.) Masters defines a cult as any situation where beliefs cannot be challenged. There can be a cult of one, where a person believes that their point of view cannot be contested. Or a group with a charismatic leader who insists that their point of view is beyond question.
At the same time, I am reading a Very Short Introduction to Hobbes. I knew something about his theories. I knew he argued for strong central leadership, but I had no idea how far it went. His theory is that human beings are impulse-driven and are incapable of making decisions that benefit the whole community. The solution is for a leader to determine what people should think and believe. He argued for state control except in the case of religious beliefs. He argued that religious leaders should determine what people should think or feel. Huh? Do these leaders transcend the human limitations the rest of us suffer from?
We need to find a balance between a monolithic social structure that guarantees protection from others and thinking for ourselves. It's the argument being acted out now on a national level, if not a worldwide one. It's which group gets to be the controlling voice, defining reality for one and all. If that voice can't be contested, it's a cult. As we all know, when a state becomes a total dictator, dissenting voices are eliminated by rather brutal means.
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