I set the alarm for 7 am but then woke up earlier. I rehearsed that section of the hula I’m still having trouble with while I walked Elsa. When I got home, I read the text Judy Shibley gave me describing the steps hoping it would help. It didn’t.
We all got dressed and had a minimal amount of food. I assigned Mowgli to carry the urn and Honolulu Elsa, a stuffed dog that looks just like the real Elsa, which Judy Glickstein sent Mike in the hospital, and made sure my phone was fully charged so it could be used to live-stream.
As I was getting dress, it occurred to me that B, who works for Hawaiian Stage and Lighting, would know how to connect the computer to the TV, which Brenda had set up for the slide show. I texted B about it but heard nothing. As we were leaving, B and the kids showed up at our front door to check if we needed anything. He was just reading my text as he walked in the door. Yes, he knew how to connect them. You need a special connecting cord. “Do you have one?” “Yes.” He sent Elijah down to get it. I’m telling you things work out in the most amazing ways.
We planned to leave around 8:15, but it was 8:30 when we pulled out of the driveway. When we got to the church, there was plenty of room in the parking lot.
I told Damon to park in back because that’s where Mike always parked, but then we had to walk around to the front. People were coming in. The visitation was actually for Mike rather than us. People walked up to the urn and bowed or prayed. It was their chance to say good-bye to him. Some people spoke to us casually, but it was not a formal reception line.
Lisa, the wife of one of the deacon candidates, made a haku for my head. I first thought it was a lei, which I would have to wear around my neck. I hate wearing leis around my neck. They itch. I had visions of having to deal with that while doing the hula. I panicked and did what I was absolutely told not to do. I told her I couldn’t wear it. But as it was a flower crown to be worn on my head; I was good with that. My head was much smaller than she expected to be. I have to wear children’s hats. She was able to adjust it. She had made a matching lei for Mike’s urn. There were about 4 leis wrapped around the box holding his ashes during the funeral.
The flowers I ordered from the florist were very nice, not as beautiful as the arrangement Damon had sent to the hospital, but simple the way Mike would have liked it and as was appropriate for the Lenten season. The wooden urn was placed on a lovely hall table in front of the alter. Honolulu Elsa wasn’t on top of the box as she would have been if he was alive; she was nestled in the leis and looking up at the box.
I was told the hula group would meet at 9:15. I didn’t see them. About 9:30, I started frantically looking for them. I had understood Anita to say that they would gather on the south lanai to prep, but no one was there. As I ran around frantically looking for some sign of them, I saw one woman get out of her car that I thought was dressed for the hula performance, but that was it. I thought I’m going to have to do this alone. That was a little more than I bargained for. I finally found them on the north lanai, practicing and putting flowers in their hair. They finally got in place for their entrance on the south a little after 9:30.
Ace opened the ceremony. He started at 9:37 and made a long speech. I thought we’re not going to have time to do the eulogies if he goes on much longer. The hula was supposed to be at 9:35, lasting 5 minutes, which would take us to 9:40. We were supposed to start the eulogies at 9:45, and the mass was supposed to begin promptly at 10 am. I had been told repeatedly that Fr. Lio runs the schedule in a most unHawaiian way; he is punctual. Thought we would have to skip the eulogies to make it in time.
As I walked out to get in place to do the hula, my left leg buckled, but it held up during the dance. I made some mistakes, but they weren’t glaring although someone in my ohana saw it and told me it wasn’t bad. As the hula group walked out the church door to the southern lanai, from where we entered, I walked directly to my seat with the family.
I got up almost immediately to give my eulogy. While I had a brief moment of sadness as I started the hula, I was too focused on moves to have much attention for anything else. The same thing happened with the eulogy. I added one comment that wasn’t part of the written text: “The next paragraph was written for my eulogy by Mike’s first wife.” Someone in the audience gasped. This is the paragraph Jean wrote, which is included in my eulogy.
Despite my grief now, I feel, and I will always feel that I have been so blessed to have been part of Mike’s life for all these years. In addition to being the fortunate partner of a person who could freely give as well as accept love. I believe that we both became better people from our partnership with each o ther.”
She said this was just rewording what she had heard me say in different words. However, I am very touched that she thinks we both became better people because of the relationship with each other. I can’t imagine a greater compliment.
For those of you who haven’t figured it out already, Jean is a sister to me, one of my best friends, and someone I genuinely love and enjoy. We both think our relationship is one of the side benefits of both having been married to Mike. We consider ourselves very lucky.
Damon went next. He broke down and had to halt. I actually offered to read the rest of it for him, but he said no. Yvette went next. She also remained composed and made it through her eulogy. I think each one of ours was perfect.
Then the mass started. I just calculated when it started using the numbers provided on the live stream. What do you know? It was exactly at 10 am. There were 6 priests on the altar and a bunch of deacons in the first pew on the other side of the aisle from the family. A number of the deacons in training came over from Oahu on their own dimes. Mike meant a lot to many people.
Walter, the musical director, did a stunning job. I love his singing. Clarence read the gospel and did homily. Most of it was traditional. Then he made some personal reference to Mike and me. He pointed out that I would be without a cook. I signaled to the congregation that they could help with a by turning to them with a gesture that said, “Well?” He also said Mike did all the cleaning. I called out, “No, he didn’t. Clarence said that’s what he told him. I called out, “He lied.” That drew laughter, but I noticed I couldn’t hear my comment on the live-steam.
Fr. Lio had arranged for all the priests and deacons to stand around Mike’s urn and sing Salve Regina a cappella. Apparently, this is traditionally sung when someone ordained by the church dies. If you watch nothing else from the funeral, watch this. Here’s the live Facebook post from the funeral: https://www.facebook.com/bettydavidross/videos/10211547674567974/UzpfSTE4NDgwNTU3NzY6MTAyMTE1Nzk5MzIwOTQzOTI/
At the closing Lio said something about Mike. He completely broke down and was unable to go on. Mike meant a lot to him and provided him with a tremendous amount of support and help.
After the mass, people lined up to express their sympathy and wish me well. Ann Buffington was there. I volunteer at school with her 3rd-grade kids and Shawana Davis’s. I told her I would get back as soon as I had taken care of business. So far, taking care of the funeral and financial issues has been a full-time job. Our next-door neighbor, Ronen, was there, too. He didn’t really know Mike. It is me he has contact with. I was very touched by his presence and sweet smile.
The luncheon served during the reception after the funeral was amazing. The tables were set with white table clothes with floral centerpieces. Cylin said, “This is bigger and better than my wedding.” I think it was 300 people as Lio had anticipated. I was starving. I hadn’t eaten any breakfast. The food was delicious, and there was plenty of it. The was a vegetarian dish, a chicken dish, a beef dish, and a pork dish, plus salad and fruit. While all the food already listed above was purchased by the church, the dessert table was provided by the members of the parish. There was this incredible flourless chocolate cake provided by Jacquie Warren. August, my grandson, couldn’t stop talking about it. The problem was there weren’t enough chairs. Brain, Elijah, and Sariah never sat down. Someone finally went and opened another chair for me so I could sit, but someone in my family always had to stand. The food was truly delicious Amazing!
When we left, I loaded up on food, filling about 8 takeout containers, each one with one of the dishes. This meant we didn’t have to cook at home, although Damon and August are adequate cooks. However, it means my freezer still doesn’t get a break from the load.
When I got home, I opened the cards people left. There was money in each one. Some made out to Habitat for Humanity, some to St. Michael’s, and some to me or cash, a fist full of cash. All the money not mark for Habitat for Humanity is going to the church to give Fr. Lio as much relief from the stress of the debt as I can. He will have to take on a greater load now that Mike is gone, besides the emotional loss.
Then I hit the sack, while the rest of the family went to Kua bay to hit the waves. Well, Damon and August swam; Cylin probably not. Those are rough waves. I felt a little bad, not being with them. I am anticipating the quiet after this event is over.
I am the most dry-eyed of all. I can’t find the grief in my body. I released the stress of the 5 weeks on Oahu in the hospital with that cry at the beginning of the Bikram class when Maite held me, the other students in the class just held their places, and the teacher delayed the class. What a relief that was. The knot in my stomach dissolved.
I don’t miss Mike -yet? I don’t know. His being gone feels as right as my accepting him as my life partner 45 years ago. It was just right. Am I deluding myself? Am I in denial? Again I remember when my dad died. It was inconceivable that he be gone if I was physically okay. Am I doing the same thing again? But then I lost his protection from my mother’s vitriolic attacks. I don’t have to face a horror that my dad alone could protect me from now. I have a wonderful life here in Hawaii. I have a great home, I am financially okay, I have activities I am involved with, I have friends, and I have three communities that I am a part of the church, the yoga studio, and the school. And, now I have this blog. Being able to write about my life is so helpful. I almost can’t believe what a comfort it is.
What I have lost in Mike is someone for whom I was number one. I am without that now. I am without his smile as he beamed his love for me; I am without someone who tells me that he appreciates me every day. Clarence said I will miss his strength. I thought no. I will miss his love. We were equally strong. I am strong in my own right. Where I am not strong, I work to improve myself. While I think Mike would not have done as well as I am, if I had died first, he was strong in his own way. But, I didn’t need Mike for his strength, except to lift something heavy. Mike liked to say that our marriage worked because there was always one adult present -and it wasn’t always the same person. I need Mike for his smile and his kisses and his hugs. I need Mike to be someone I can sit comfortably and quietly and read with. I need Mike to sleep next to me. I need Mike to eat with. I need Mike to share a life with. I need Mike to come home to and to come home to me. I need Mike to build a life with. I need Mike for his emotional openness, not for his strength. He was capable of crying. He sobbed when our dog died. He sobbed when we had that bomb scare here in Hawaii, and he was without me. He could make himself vulnerable in so many ways. I need that human honesty. I need someone to play with.
I recently watched ‘Forever’ on Amazon Prime. Boy, did I relate. Their relationship was heavy with tedium, but once they shared emotional honesty about who they were and how they felt about themselves and each other, the thing that bound them together was a game they played. Mike and I were honest with each other already. We didn’t have one game, but we said and did silly things with each other. We played. I will miss my playmate in life. He also shared a sense of adventure with me. I am viewing my life ahead as an adventure. I may or may not, at some point, be overcome with grief at this loss. I know I will face it then and learn from it because that is how I live my life. Maybe I will be overcome to the point of being that brown puddle on the living room rug? Possibly. Fortunately, I have friends who will scrape me up, get me on my feet, and keep me going.
The kids came home after swimming in Kua Bay. The waves were classic. Damon told me he and Cylin were going out dancing after dinner with Yvette, Josh, and Mowg to Yvette’s favorite club, and August would stay home. We had to figure out how they were going to get to the bar.. They couldn’t take Yvette’s car because she drives the dogs to the vet in her car. Damon is terribly allergic to dogs. Elsa is kept out of the rooms they occupy when they visit, permanently. Damon and August are on anti-histamines the whole time they visit. They are both crazy about Elsa. It’s a crying shame. At any rate, they needed to take Mike’s old car because we have kept it dog free. The problem was Adam. Did he need it to do his Uber driving? I tried to call him. No answer. I called Judy. She called him and Jazzy. No answer on either phone. She knew they were visiting friends in Captain Cook and had probably turned off their phones. When we finally got hold of them, they were still at their friends’ house. We tried to make arrangements for Jazzy to drop Adam off at the club on the way home so he could pick up the car to do Uber. The kids would call him when they wanted to go home. Then Adam called and said he decided to take the night off and get a good night’s sleep.
I love having the kids here. Things get easier between us every year. Rough spots get smoothed out over time. I know from experience that it doesn’t happen with all family members.
While eating dinner, I gestured with a chicken wing in my hand. Elsa leaped up to grab it. Pam, her breeder, and the original owner told me that she didn’t beg. She doesn’t. She grabs.
When the next generation went out dancing, I worked on writing this blog entry while I remembered the day. August, of the following generation, hit the sack. He was exhausted.
No TV tonight. I walked Elsa, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed.
Good night Elsa, Goodnight Mike.
EULOGIES and Obituary
(three were read at the funeral: Damon’s, Yvette’s and mine.
Two more were just included in the flyer: Jean’s and Cylin’s’
Betty David-Ross, Mike's wife.
First, I want to thank everyone here for giving Mike the best four and a half years of his life. He was so happy living here and serving you. He would say that he should have born wealthy so he could have always volunteered his services.
For me, he was my life partner, my roommate, my best friend, my lover. With his death, I am viewing him in a broader sense. While I always knew about his larger impact on the world, without our daily contact to remind me of who he was for me, I see him from a different perspective and realize what a loss he is to this world. Losing him is somewhat like losing a young person; he had so much left to give. Mike's knowledge alone is a loss to the world. He has four file cabinets filled with notes, and that is nothing compared to what was in his head.
He loved to learn and share his learning. He was considered an excellent teacher from his first job teaching philosophy at Columbia University. His students loved him. He also thoroughly enjoyed preparing for the distance-learning classes he did for the Josephinum Seminary and teaching his bible study here. He could inspire and engage students. I thought of going myself, but I didn't want to be 'taught' by my husband.
Mike wasn't perfect, but for me, he was about as close to perfect as a human partner can get. I am not just saying this now; I felt that way when he was alive. While he didn't always respond without judgment and criticism, some appropriate and some not so much, he was always committed to respecting me on my own terms. As I did him. It's not easy seeing the world, or how the toilet paper is put on the roll, from another person's perspective, but you can be committed to trying.
Mike often spoke about how arrogant he used to be before his conversion to the Catholic faith. Trust me, he was. There are even some who thought he was just looking down on them. But, no. Mike was an equal opportunity 'arrogator' (one who expresses arrogance.) But Mike was someone who was open to change. His conversion and ordination as a deacon marked a point of deep change. Mike always wanted to be a good and loving person. His faith helped him make changes so he could become more of the person he always wanted to be.
Despite my grief now, I feel, and I will always feel that I have been so blessed to have been part of Mike's life for all these years. In addition to being the fortunate partner of a person who could freely give as well as accept love, I believe that we both became better people from our partnership.
Finally, Mike's work with the Church and the wider Kona community added so much to his personal professional and spiritual joy. For this, I thank you again.
Damon Ross, Mike's son
When my dad first told me that he was thinking of moving to Hawaii, I had to chuckle. Only a few years before that conversation, he was scoffing at the fact that I would routinely spend Christmas in Maui visiting my in-laws.
"I could never spend Christmas in a place like Hawaii. It's not cold. There's no snow. It just wouldn't feel like the holidays! Uchhhh!"
Cut to several years later- I'm sitting in this beautiful Church, listening to my dad, the deacon, give a midnight mass sermon on Christmas eve.
Hawaii became his life. And I'm so happy it did. Not just because of the awesome vacations we spent here...and the awesome waves at Kua Bay...
But because of all of you. This community...this congregation...this diaconate...are the reason my dad's last years of life were his happiest and most joyful.
Thank you.
Yvette Minear, Mike's Goddaughter.
Aloha, my name is Yvette. My relationship with Michael has held a few titles. Early on, I called him my Uncle, but that was difficult on the mainland because people asked which side of the family he was from. Later, I switched to Godfather, although it was not a Catholic baptism. Hanai Father became appropriate once we were dwelling on the Big Island. Truly, all of these titles are accurate descriptions of the ways Michael supported me in my life.
We met in N.Y., during the early 70's, when he & Betty got together. I was 5 & he was an adult. Michael & Betty were the first people who I never could have known would shape so much of my life. During the turbulence of childhood & my young adult life, Michael was a self-dedicated, primary adult in my life. He demonstrated unconditional love in action for 45 years.
I remember him driving me & his son, Damon, to the YMCA to go swimming as kids. Michael was always a consistent example of staying active & he supported me endlessly in my quest for a second career in the field of wellness.
As a child, I would spend occasional weekends or holidays with Michael & Betty. Damon would always be there when I visited. We used to pretend we were siblings & all of us were a family. Some of my fondest memories are infused into that imaginary family time. I always knew Michael loved me. He extended the love of family generously to many.
Every Christmas, for a long as I can remember, Michael made a grand celebration of the season! Food, decorations, food, gifts, food, music, food & then some food. The man LOVED to cook & even more, he loved to feed people! He fed us literally, emotionally & spiritually.
Michael was something different to each of us & we all have our own stories about how special he was. Please share them with each other & let him continue to inspire the greatest qualities he brought out in you!
Aloha & Mahalo
Jean Ross, Mike's first wife
I met Michael Ross in college, 58 years ago We were married in 1962, remained together through graduate school and our early professional lives, and then parented our son, as part of a family with our second spouses, Better David-Ross and John Womack.
It is a tribute to Michael, and the four us, that we were able to parent our son, Damon, together, and become as close as a family can be. This is why I mourn Michael as a brother, who has been part of my whole adult life.
The characteristics that I have loved and respected in Michael, through all the changes in his life were his intelligence and love of learning, his talent as a teacher, his resilience and courage in seeking personal improvement, his hard work, his wide range of interests, his contributions to his communities, his respect for our differences, his humor and kindness, his graciousness and generosity, and his love for our son.
Indeed, the personal beauty we see in our son, is a testament to Michael as a father, as well as in his role as a member of our family, his Church, and the community.
Cylin Busby Ross, Mike's daughter-in-law
I had been dating Damon for a few months when he planned a trip home to Princeton, where I would meet both sets of his parents. I had been well-prepped for the unusually cooperative relationship between his long-divorced birth parents and his steps, but it still came as a shock to me that all six of us went out and had Chinese food together that night. Damon's parents- all of them- were lovely and warm to me, and I immediately felt comfortable with them. Soon after meeting them, Michael took me aside, and with a twinkle in his eye, said: "You didn't tell me you were Catholic!" He was so tickled., I found it hard to admit that I hadn't been to Mass in years. But the news didn't bother him. In fact, he seemed to take it as a challenge, inviting us to come out and attend Mass whenever we could.
I soon learned that a great number of the traits I adored in Damon could be found in his parents- that wiliness to forgive and move forward in life, the unending optimism, and delight in getting to know me and accept me, just as I was, were all evident in Michael as they were in his son. At our wedding, I thanked both Jean and Michael for having Damon and for raising him to be the wonderful man I married. Later, when I saw Michael in the hospital in February before his death, I took advantage of the opportunity again to thank him for being such an amazing, loving father to my husband and showing him how to raise our beautiful son by example.
I am truly blessed to have joined this family and to carry on the Ross family name in my son, August, Michael's only grandson, whom I know Michael loved 'to bits and pieces," as he would say.
Obituary: Deacon Michael David Ross, Ph.D.
Deacon Michael David Ross, Ph.D., 78, a former Professor and Academic Dean at the Pontifical College Josephinum, died Sunday evening, March 3, 2019, while hospitalized in Honolulu, Hawaii, of kidney failure and complications from severe pancreatitis. A sign in his room asked that he be addressed as "Deacon Mike," reflecting his commitment to and love for the Church.
Deacon Mike was born in Brooklyn, N.Y., in 1940, to Sidney Ross and Lee (Genud) Ross, both first-generation Americans of Jewish descent. As members of the Communist Party, his parents worked actively with poor and marginalized people for democracy and justice, providing role models for their children's lifetimes of social justice service.
The Ross family moved to Baldwin, Long Island, in 1948, where Michael graduated high school. He then attended Antioch College, class of 1963, where he majored in and taught history at an Antioch summer program. Following graduation, he attended Columbia University, where he earned a Ph.D. in political science and went on to teach and serve as Assistant Dean at Columbia College.
In college and during a year abroad at Leeds University in England, Michael was a leader in civil rights activities, helping to integrate a barbershop in Yellow Springs, Ohio, and to desegregate public accommodations in both countries. While studying and teaching, he also participated in community programs at a drug rehabilitation program for young adults in New York City.
Michael transitioned to working as an administrator for several psychiatric hospitals in New York and New Jersey. He was the Acting Chief Executive Officer of Ancora Psychiatric Hospital and the CEO of both Greystone and Marlboro Hospitals in New Jersey, from 1981–1994.
In 1990, Michael converted to Catholicism and returned to school to enrich his education and capacity for religious service. He was ordained as a Deacon in the Church on May 14, 1994, and served diaconal ministry at St. Paul's Church, Princeton, N.J. (1994–2003). In 2003, he earned a second Ph.D., in theology from the Catholic University of America.
In 2003, Deacon Mike moved to Columbus, Ohio, to become a systematic theology professor at the Pontifical College Josephinum. He was later appointed Josephinum's Academic Dean and then its Provost. While in Columbus, he served at St. Mary Parish, Columbus (2003–2007) and St. Joan of Arc Parish, Powell (2007–2014). After retirement from the college, he remained active with the Josephinum Distance Learning Program, which he had founded in 2008.
Deacon Mike and his wife, Betty, moved to Kona, Hawaii, in 2014, where he served as the Coordinator of Spiritual Formation for the Deacon Program of the Diocese of Honolulu, and an instructor and advisor for the Office of Permanent Deacon Formation. During this time, he also served as the President of the Board of Directors of West Hawaii Habitat for Humanity. He was actively serving in ministry at St. Michael the Archangel Parish in Kona at the time of his death.
Deacon Mike is survived by his wife of over 45 years, Betty David Ross; his beloved son, Damon Ross; his first wife and Damon's birth mother, Jean Ross; and Jean's husband, John Womack; his daughter-in-law, Cylin; his grandson, August; his sister, Randy Ross; his nieces, Tara and Shivani Ganguly; his grand-nephew, Sidney Roth-Ganguly; and his godchildren, Yvette Minear, her husband, Josh, and Michael "Mowgli" Bunce. His energy, kindness and wit, and his example of scholarship, service, and love of family and community, continue to live on in those who survive him, and inspire those who have been privileged to know him. We will never forget him.
Funeral services will be held on Saturday, March 30, 2019, at St. Michael's Catholic Church in Kailua Kona, Hawaii. Visitation at 9 AM, Mass at 10 AM, and reception at 11 AM.
In lieu of flowers, please consider donating to the following organizations that Michael was deeply involved in:
The local chapter of Habitat for Humanity in Kailua Kona:
Habitat for Humanity
P.O. Box 4619
Kailua Kona, HI 96745
The St. Michael's Catholic Church
75-5769 Ali' I Dr.
Kailua Kona, HI 96740
In memo: Debt reduction
