When Don and Brenda were here the other night, Brenda wiped her finger on the top of something and offered to come to clean my house. It was filthy. I hadn't done anything since January 25 and probably not the week before. When folks came to check out books in Mike's library, I left out dust cloths, and just told people to clean if they came across something that disturbed them. My idea of hosting. Mike didn't care for it; it drove my mom nuts, and I mean ballistic nuts. Housekeeping is not one of my top priorities. But I do hope I can maintain Mike's sense of order in the house. Some areas are already degenerating.
Mike's sense of order was wonderful when it wasn't the most annoying thing in the world. I would work to clean the kitchen from top to bottom. Well, I usually work from the bottom up. Every drawer was cleaned, the cabinets were washed down inside and out, the floor washed and waxed, the refrigerator and stove also cleaned inside and out. Then Mike would come home. While he still had his heavy winter coat on, he moved his briefcase from this right hand to his left and straightened out a few things. Perfect! This room looked terrific. Whatever I do, I seem to leave a trace of disorder.
Now, I don't consider that all bad. Somewhere around the 10-year mark of our marriage, Mike came up to me and said, "I like order. You make disorder. Order is better than disorder, so you should do it my way." Good try, but no cigar. I said, "This is a marriage. I have as much right to my neurotic need for disorder as you have for your neurotic need for order." He walked away. I told you, he married a worthy opponent. But, I have worked to be more orderly or at least limit my disorder, and he has worked to be respectful of my need for that disorder. He would politely ask me to straighten up when we had guests, and he always asked me before he moved something. I always thanked him for doing that. I was deeply touched by his efforts to make accommodations for me. It was always a work in progress on both ends. Mike's fear of chaos drove him to preserve order. My fear of authoritarian rigidity drove me to preserve disorder. I figure, always find out what the neurotic piece is and heal it. The rest will be good for everyone.
I called Tiaa Cref because I didn't have a 1099 for 2018. They told me to get Mike to go online and get it. I get that a lot of that these days, even though these organizations have death certificates in their little hot hands. Wound up, the only way they could get it to me was through hard mail. But, they very kindly offered to send it by express mail. I was grateful. At least, I knew it might arrive before I had my appointment with the tax account. If not that, before April 15.
When I call Kaiser Permanente to see if they had received the release forms and if I could get the total amount paid for prescriptions for both of us, I got a run-around. The clerk I spoke to was only responsible for the release form. She passed that on to the prescription department. It was like pulling teeth, getting the number of the prescription department where I could get the information. I finally resolved to use a ballpark estimate on both our amounts. I figure $50 for me and $200 for Mike. I suspect it is actually more than that. We'll see. In the meantime, I was told I will have to fill out a special form to establish myself as someone who can legally have access to Mike's records. They know he's dead, they know I'm his wife, they know that I can see all the containers with pills sitting around. It's not like he was working on some secret sex change that they had to keep confidential and thought I might not know about. Please.
Judy Shibley came over, and we practiced hula. I think I finally found out why I am having so much trouble with that one passage. One gesture was taught as if it was part of a 1-4 pattern when it's on the 4th beat of the preceding unit. Big difference! I had figured out that it was part of the preceding phrase, but I thought it was on the & of 4&. No, it has a full beat to itself. Now I have to retrain myself in two days.
Yvette came running into the house. She was rushing on her way out. Would I take care of her laundry that was sitting in a basket in the driveway? Yep! My pleasure, literally. I love that she can ask me something like that on the fly. It makes me feel more connected like we are a unit. Yvette has been using my dryer since hers broke. It means she is up here more, just doing her thing. I love it. She is also doing massage and Graston work on me whenever she can. We had talked about every other day, but she is sometimes too tired. I don't get the full treatment; I get frequent treatments. They are so helpful, and I don't have to drive home afterward.
I had announced on Facebook and the blog that we were going to live-stream the funeral. I had to figure out how to do this. Did someone have to be friends with me to have access to the live stream? I signed Mike up for Facebook. He would no more have done this when he was alive than stick his face in the toilet. Without friending myself, I went to my Facebook page to see if 'he' could have access to my live-stream invitation. He could. However, anyone who wanted to see it would have to be signed into Facebook even for just that day. Of course, I have no idea how to unsubscribe. I have to get poor Mike's name off that sight. He would be mortified. Mike was a Luddite. He hated most technological advances. He finally surrendered his flip phone when he became the spiritual director for the diaconate program to he could communicate with the candidates. The diaconate program helped pay for it. However, Mike never listened to his voicemail or read his texts. What was the point?
It was the bewitching hour. If I didn't go down for a nap, I was going to be one cranky lady. I set the alarm for 2 pm because I was expecting my student. But then she didn't arrive. I thought I remember she can't come on Thursday, but she'll come on Friday. It would be so helpful if I wrote it all down.
John Coughlin arrived. He wanted to scope out Mike's library and figure out some strategy for scanning all the books and cataloging them so people could select what they wanted. There is an app that allows you to catalog books, records, CDs, etc. CollectorZ. Com. John paid for it, but many people can have access to it using his password. That means that more than one person can work on this project. John lives on Oahu. If we could only use his phone do to the scanning, we would never get the work done. I made one suggestion: we mark the completed shelves with a small piece of masking tape. That way, we don't go nuts wondering what we've done and what's left to do.
Sandor came over with the wooden box for Mike's ashes. He thought it might be possible to place the whole plastic box in the wooden box. He slipped it in. It was a perfect fit. He showed me the plaque he had ordered specially from his cousin. It was supposed to say,
Deacon Michael David Ross, Ph.D.2
The squared sign was because the students are the Josephinum called him "doc squared."
There's a Jewish star in front of his birthdate because he was born into the Jewish faith.
The Jerusalem cross in front of his death date is because he died a Catholic.
At least that was Sandor design, but his cousin in Miami had made a brass plaque with
Deacon Michael David Ross, Ph. D. 2 instead of 2
Sandor was quite pissed. He had gone out of his way to make sure he had the best engraver, and then she didn't follow his instructions. She said she couldn't do superscript on her machine. Sandor said, "Why didn't you tell me so." He wound up going to the engraving place here in Kona.
Sandor is several things in my life. He is a deacon candidate who would have worked with Mike, but now will be his replacement. He is a friend, and he is my optometrist. He looked at my glasses and told me I needed new lenses. The glasses were scratched. I had an extra pair of glasses, but they hurt when I put them on. I brought them to him, and he adjusted the frame by bending it. Perfect! He took my old glasses so he could order those lenses.
I got to work cleaning the refrigerator. Damon was coming, Damon was coming, Damon was coming. Because I was in a hurry, I tried something different. I took all the shelves out on only one side. I discovered I had enough room that way to remove the glass plate and its frame that is the whole width of the refrigerator. This way, I didn't have to empty out the entire frig at once.
I stopped off at Office Max on my way to hula practice at church to fax my copy of the release of information form to Kaiser Permanente. When I called them in the afternoon, they didn't have it yet, so I wanted to make sure they got it as quickly as possible. I couldn't get the fax to go through. It was around 5pm. I had thought that the form I signed at KP would be faxed immediately. Now, I understood that all faxing was being saved for the end of the day. Every medical facility with Kaiser was faxing these forms at the same time. Good luck getting through.
I went off to hula practice. I was still having problems with that one section. I was going to work on getting it right, but I was also prepared to live with it if I got it wrong.
I went back to Office Max after hula practice. Sure enough, my fax went right through. It wasn't rush hour anymore.
Kelly had been there to clean the house. The guest bedroom looked great. She also made the beds. Mike and I always did that together. I have trouble reaching over the bed. So glad she was there to do it. John must have left before she did. She took a book. I have to find out if it one that was already scanned.
Judy had also been by. She walked Elsa around the dinner hour today since I was out at hula practice. She took the cooking equipment she had left on Sunday. My two-house plants that Mike had bought were gone. I could imagine Judy taking them home to do something healing with them, but I was also afraid Kelly had thrown them out. That didn't seem too logical. She wouldn't do that without my permission.
My dinner was a biscuit, the rest of chicken soup, red cabbage, apple pie, and a little of the left-over chocolate pudding and Chantilly cream.
I spoke to Damon about the slide show. We really hadn't thought it through. We hadn't lined up a projector. Zola told me she had a big TV screen at her daughter’s funeral. We didn't know what to expect or how to do it. Zola said we should download everything onto PowerPoint. Damon said he download all the pictures he had onto Quick Time.
Damon also said he had a dream. His dad and I were walking down a hallway. He called to us. I came back toward him, and his dad continued on. He commented that the symbolism was clear. He saw what I saw; his dad's going represents his death and permanent departure. But did he see any significance in my coming back? I am just his step-mother. I have never seen myself as central to him as his parents. But here I was included in this dream, and I responded to his call. I was very touched.
By 8 pm. I was exhausted. Yvette came up and did some work on me. That had the effect of reviving me. I watched some TV, I think the Prime Time show Forever. I hadn't seen the end of it yet.
I walked Elsa, washed my face, brushed my teeth, went to bed. Good night, Elsa. Good night, Mike.
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