Good news: He's still alive. They are reducing life support as he gets better.
Bad news: He is still heavily sedated. They are waiting for bacteria cultures to mature to determine if he has any infections. If he does, it will be very serious.
The room at the cheap hotel was somewhat of a surprise. The room is right off the driveway, the bedroom area is 10 x 10, the bathroom is just about as large. But I adapted readily. I used to take a long time to adjust when we traveled. Now I'm doing great. But the purpose of my travel is constant; I'm at the hospital 8 hours a day. Where I stay is irrelevant.
I had trouble sleeping, too busy making funeral arrangements. The doctors and nurses at the hospital were conservatively pessimistic about his chances of surviving the night. When I left the hospital, he was alive only because he was on life support. He was intubated, he was on high doses of blood pressure medication, he was on intravenous nutrition, you name it. I spent the night writing a eulogy and planning the funeral. I want to wear bright colors for his funeral. I want everyone to wear bright colors. It should be a celebration of his wonderful life. In the eulogy, I shared with the congregation how our four years in Hawaii have been the happiest in Mike's life thanks to his opportunity to work in the parish of St. Michael's, the diaconate program, and Habitat to Humanity. He loves living here and loves the communities he has connected with. His life has been deeply enriched by so many people.
I found myself sleeping restlessly and getting up to pee more often than usual. I assume that this is driven by fear. Judy asked me what I would do if Mike did die. I said, "Well, we would find out."
I believe today is our actual wedding anniversary. No, we don't celebrate it for several reasons. We were in a committed relationship long before we were married. I was the one who balked. I had been taught that marriage can ruin a perfectly good relationship. I wanted to avoid that. Then a friend of his first wife said to me, "Oh, for heaven's sake, Betty. Get married for your mother's sake." So, I did, and I didn't live to regret it. Although I figured out a way to trick my psyche so it wouldn't get messed up. I told people I was married when I wasn't, so I wouldn't know when I did if I was or was not. It must have worked.
Besides a date for our commitment to each other and one for our actual wedding date, we have a second wedding, although we didn't need a marriage certificate for that one.
The first wedding was a Quaker wedding which we had in Princeton. This was before Mike or I converted. The second actual wedding was a Catholic one. So many dates and not one is celebrated. I feel we celebrate our union every day. We both consider ourselves to be fortunate people.
My biggest loss would be his affection. Mike and I are both affectionate people. I can call out, "O.K.," and he's trained to drop everything and give me a nice long hug. There a song out called, "Stitches." It goes, "without your kisses, I'll be needing stitches." Unfortunately, it keeps running through my mind.
My back was giving me trouble. I think I injured it trying to move Mike's leg to make sure he got some joint movement. It has persisted but shifted around. I must be doing somewhat better because my groans are at a lower pitch, a more accurate measure of how much pain I'm in than my subjective estimation. I'm comfortable lying down; it's the getting up and down that's interesting. Given I had to do a lot of going to the bathroom last night, I had a very interesting time of it.
I'm wearing a back brace now that I bought at Long's, but that's a story in itself. This is the second one I bought. The first one was a medium. That was too small. Just hanging loosely, there were a good six inches between the two ends of the brace, and those ends were supposed to overlap. I opened the package the first night Mike was in the ICU. I couldn't get it on and felt I needed it. I had ICU attendants help me. It took two to get it closed a little at the top end. Forget the section closer to my hips. Now, if I'm a large, heaven help half the folks living in Hawaii. We have Samoans living here. They're huge, even if they are not overweight. They're all built like refrigerators.
When I called the hospital this morning, they told me he had survived, and he was even doing somewhat better. They told me that everything was steady. I set aside funeral plans and rejoiced about his return to life. These ups and downs are getting to me. I didn't care for my adolescent intenseness; I don't particularly like this either. But, it's becoming the new normal.
John and Kathy Coughlin called and asked if I would like to go out to lunch with them to have a break. Grabbed that. Lovely Italian restaurant. I think it's the one John takes Mike to when he's town. Great food, great company. They stopped off to visit Mike when we came back from lunch.
Today was dialysis. It was supposed to be yesterday, but his blood pressure was too low, and they canceled. Lucky man, he's going to have dialysis two days in a row. I even find dialysis exhausting. It's just another machine whirring away for me, but it feels like so much more.
I went home around 6:30pm. I was going to go to Costco to get gas and pick up something, but I was too exhausted. I figured the way I was feeling, get to my final resting place for the night, and minimize the driving.
I did something mindless: I watched tv. I was on some channel I'd never seen before. I watched 101 Dalmatians, and then some ridiculous show matching children and their parents. It reminded me of a show featuring honeymooners. One partner was asked questions about the other. When the other partners came back in the room, he/she had to guess what their partner had to say correctly. If their answers matched, they won points. It was an early version of today's reality shows.
I had a very good night's sleep. Before I left, one of the nurses said, "Don't come in so early." I took that to heart and spent some extra time in bed. I was worried that I hadn't yet reserved the room for an extra night. I was going to need it because the ashram wasn't going to available on the 21st, only on the 22nd. I managed to get it done in the morning without any problems. And went off to the hospital.
The news was: they had cut one of his blood pressure meds because he was doing well on his own. They had cut back the respiration support to encourage him to do more on his own. He wasn't running a fever, which suggested that he had no bacterial infection, but we will have to wait 2 more days for the culture to mature to find out precisely what is going on. It sounds like if bacteria weren't inserted when the tube was, there's a good chance he won't have a bacterial infection later on. That would be fantastic. It's at the end of the day as I write this, and he hasn't had a fever yet, although he has thrown off one of his blankets.
He's been in and out of wakefulness/consciousness all day. When he's awake, he's often complaining of some pain. He's been hard to communicate with for quite a while. He's too exhausted to talk, or he's got a breathing mask over his mouth, or he's got a tube stuck down his throat. We're limited to head shakes.
He was complaining of backaches a lot. That would be understandable, lying in bed so long. I do some work on his feet, which I learned from a chiropractor. I move them back and forth like windshield wipers, both feet moving back and forth together. I might also flex and extend his feet at the ankles. These motions seem to help his aching back.
Today he did something new. He started banging on the guard rail of his bed when he needed something. He was complaining of a backache every few minutes. I would do some work and then sit down, and he would start banging again after a few minutes. I didn't know what to do to help him. I tried to locate the precise pain thinking it might help me come to a better solution. I started at the top of his chest, making several stops on the way down, asking him if his back pain was in that area. He said no until I got to the very bottom.
Ladies, if you think we would have problems in his position, I have news for you. Lying endless on their backs creates problems for men, I couldn't have imagined on a bet. Their boy parts have to hang in the standing position to get some rest. Also, when lying on their backs, they descend into the valley between their legs. This means constant pressure. It's not as bad as a swift kick, but it can be up there. I told the nurse that if they can think of turning a long-term patient every two hours, can't they think of some way to provide similar relief to these very sensitive organs. He nurse responded, "Well, everyone is different. Some people aren't bothered." I said, "I would think everyone responds differently to lying in one position endlessly, too, but one and all are turned preventively."
It's already Friday as I write this. Too much going on. As I remember the rest of the day, it was just more of the same. Mike and I have developed a communication system. He bangs his arm against the side rail of the bed. I rush to his side and start asking questions that can be answered with a yes or a no. "Are you hot?" Are you cold?" "Are you in pain?" Too hot or too cold is easy to deal with. Hot, pull off the covers. Cold, then go ask for some heated blankets placed as close to his skin as possible. If it's pain, then I have the challenge of locating the pain. "Is it in your back? Is it in your penis? Those are the two main sites of pain for him.
I left around 6:30. I must have had something to eat somewhere but have no recall of that.
No comments:
Post a Comment