I'm doing better with every passing hour, recovering from my anger at Kathrin. I had some internal discomfort this morning in my gut, but it resolved in Bikram. I also had a breakthrough today in class. While lying on my back with my knees bent, I was able to make contact with the ground with my torso's left side. Seeing that, I held it in place and worked on slowly lowering the right side of my body to the ground by letting go of tension where I could. Earlier in the class, I experienced a release in the inside of my left ankle. I guess these two are related. I am so glad I have been focusing on my left foot with the chiropractor. It has made a significant difference. After class, I asked Heather if she saw what was happening. She said yes; she got goosebumps watching me. It is lovely having a teacher who can see what I'm doing.
Today was the day of the memorial for Mike in Massachusetts for everyone in the Ross family, except me. I'm not there for two reasons. One, I don't feel enough of a need to be there to warrant my traveling from Hawaii for it. Two: Mike's sister and one of her children and I are not on best terms, and I didn't want to disturb their experience.
A separate memorial service became necessary because most of the people there were not at the Hawaiian funeral. They had come to Hawaii to say good-bye to Mike when he was in the hospital, but a second trip was too much. Just Damon, his wife, Cylin, and his son, August, were at both services. Mike's sister, Randy, her husband, Ernie, her oldest daughter Shivani and her 2-year-old son Sidney, Randy's younger daughter, Tara, and her partner, Michael, Jean, Mike's first wife, and her husband, John, were there.. Ah, a first cousin of Mike's who he hadn't seen for 50 years was there too. Everyone came to Northampton, Massachusetts, where Randy and Ernie live. Tara and Michael live in a nearby town. I suspect anticipating this event, and its various ramifications made me more vulnerable the other day in my confrontation with Kathrin.
After the event was over, while Damon, Cylin, August, and Jean were driving back to the hotel to shower before dinner, they called me to tell me how it went. Well, nothing bad was said about either Mike or me. That was good. It was mostly structured around history, Mike's personal history, and his mother's family's genealogical history. Mike's first cousin Melanie is big into this.
Damon said it was an unstructured event, although it didn't sound that way to me as he provided details. It started with digitalized videos from Mike's childhood and videos in his first cousin's possession. Then a photo album was shared, which Randy and Melanie put together showing pictures from Mike's youth and the family genealogy. Then Damon played the slide show of Mike's photos he had put together for the funeral in Hawaii. Some good things were said about Mike. That's all, folks. The family was off to a Chinese restaurant. Mike loved Chinese food and was into cooking it.
I feel confident in the love that some members of this family have for me. That's all I need. But I do need it. Without it, I think I would be bereft.
I did some work in the library. While the books are all cataloged, there is a ton of paper to sort through. I found ten credit cards I hadn't seen before. They looked like they had never been activated. Why he saved them, I will never know. I will have to follow up and make sure they are dead, dead, dead. I'm beginning to be surprised I haven't found a stack of used toilet paper. The man saved everything.
While I was working in the library, I received a text from Kathrin. She said she had time to think about it and wanted to talk to me. Sounded good to me. Then she followed it with the information that she had to be out of her place and wanted to come back. I told her we'd see how our conversation went. Does she think she is supposed to get everything her way, or was this just a nervous tick manifesting? She has shown consideration of my needs in our other interactions. I have to say that I have found her a pleasure to live with, but I am very easygoing as a hostess. I encourage my guests to feel completely at home. I lived in a commune and like living that way. I look for equality. However, when my boundaries are violated, and I don't mean those hidden biases that we all have, lookout.
I put together a statement of expectations. I am imagining several comments from her, mostly centered about conforming to some detail of our relationship instead of some general principle. She is bright, but I don't know if she will respond to my abstractions.
When there is a conflict of needs:
a) Both our needs are valid and beyond judgment. (When I don't want to give you precisely what you want, I am not judging your values, needs or actions.)
b) We both acknowledge the validity of the other's needs. (No matter how trivial they may seem to us.)
c) We are both willing to make an effort to accommodate the other person's needs.
d) We both participate in finding an alternative that satisfying to both participants.
e) Perfection is not required. It takes time to learn to negotiate.
f) A solution does not have to found immediately unless it is a problem requiring an immediate one.
There are deal-breakers when it comes to living in my home. No drugs, no smoking, no loud music, (Although I have a nasty habit of running the radio. But it is my home. Although, even I consider it inconsiderate of others.), and no pretending that I don't live here while I'm in the same house. Can't stand being treated that way.
If we can't find a mutually comfortable way, one of us has to go. And, t's not going to be me. That is non-negotiable.
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