Bikram is going well. I am getting more stretch on my left side, from my foot to the top of my head. I may be able to straighten out my spinal curvature.
After Bikram, I went off the Safeway. Yesterday, they didn't have the multi-grain baguette that I love, so I bought a white bread one. Yuck! Today they had my multi-grain one. Also, for dessert, I started eating Tapioca with sliced dried apricots in it. This is ideal. It's satisfying to think about, and I don't need more than one. Well, for now. We'll see how it goes. For the time being, no more chocolate. I also bought some vegetarian soup. I'm good.
At home, I had my morning soup, played FreeCell, and contemplated how I would deal with Kathrin. I hoped she wouldn't trigger me, and I'd find myself yelling again. I hoped I'd stay calm but clear about what I want and what I plan to do. Yvette has stopped in several times to tell me that she is 120% behind me and will do whatever necessary to support me. I wish she could help referee the conversation, but she is too biased on my behalf. Useless woman! I both love that she is a momma lion and wish she could be here to help me stay calm.
Kathrin stopped by at 6 pm as planned. We sat in the front living room, she on the sofa and me on my typing chair across from her. I started by asking her about her scratches on her legs. "How are they doing?" then I asked her to tell me what her thoughts had been. She had texted me that she had some time to calm down and think about our disagreement.
She started by telling me that she would respect my request to text her when she was out in my car. Before this, she had texted me when she was out longer than expected, even when she didn't have my car. I thanked her profusely for that consideration. Yvette also told her how much that meant to me. Then I told her that there was a more significant issue.
I told her that after my bad experiences with some commune members, I developed a saying, "I vastly prefer that we do things our way. However, if that is not possible, it will have to be my way, which comes in as a sorry second." I needed to discuss some general rules of interaction, not just some isolated incident.
By way of example, I cited the time we had a conflict of interest the previous Sunday when we prepared to leave from the Sunday feast at Manuel and Bernice's house. I said I wanted to go. It was late already, and I wanted to get up a 6 am to go to yoga. She turned her back on me and said, "I have to say good-bye." I watched her as she talked to Ilke. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I could see from the body language that she didn't signal that she was in a hurry because I wanted to go. I came up with the best solution so we could both get what we wanted. I said, "It looks like you want to have conversations with everyone. Please, find someone else to take you home." She did. I left. I asked her if the situation reminded her of experiences with her parents, where her need to be friendly conflicted with their need to end the social interaction. While she didn't answer, I saw that she gave the matter some thought. That's enough for me. She could have dismissed my answer in any number of ways.
I told her if this was an isolated problem, I could live with it as long as she was open to change. If she was a millennial, we're done! She didn't even know what a millennial was. I wouldn't have known if I hadn't heard Damon and Shivani's stories who had to deal with them at work. They're infants who need to get what they want, or they're either devasted or furious. From what Shivani has said, they don't respond to criticism of any kind. They ignore it as a delusion on the part of their supervisor. These poor kids. How are they going to survive?
I told her that I wouldn't have my needs judged. I don't care if my need to be texted periodically is a neurotic, even psychotic, problem. She has to decide whether and how to accommodate it or if she can't. I proposed that I text her when I start feeling concerned, and she responds. She gave a big sigh of relief. The real problem is that she forgets to text because she is distracted by what she is doing. Great! This is a perfectly good solution for me.
She had been living in a spirit of cooperation with me all along except for a few incidents. If she hadn't and ignoring my needs had been a pattern, she would have been gone a long time ago. But I'm pretty easy to get along with, but I'm not a self-sacrificing people pleaser; I find it interesting to experience something new and learn about myself and others.
Some like to travel to see the world. I have zero interest in seeing the world. Exploring myself and others is what interests me. In negotiating with someone else when there is a conflict of interest is a fantastic experience, both for learning more about myself and others. Is it frightening or exhausting? Yes. Sometimes. But think what people subject themselves to when they travel. Those endless hours in the air for starters, and then the adjustments they have to make to different times changes, different languages, different foods, etc. They think nothing of it. They find it exciting. I find this fascinating. When I have managed to reconcile with someone, really reconcile, not the grit teeth variety, it is wonderful.
During the confrontation between Kathrin and me, we were each an adult in our way. She could hold her own against a raging version of me. She told me when I was interrupting her. I do that. I loved that she could stop me. When I wind up with a conflict with someone and self-control becomes an issue, I haul us off to a family therapist, so they can tell me to shut up when I'm blasting out. I was thrilled that she could do that on her own.
She also proposed ending the conversation before one of us said something we would regret. That was another way she was the more adult. She left the house later in the evening, which was a fantastic move. We needed distance from each other. In the olden days, wives would stay with their mother's for a while if there was a bad fight at home. Each to his corner to heal some wounds and calm down. Great system.
I was more adult in other regards. I was good about telling Kathrin that I expected her to keep me informed on what she was doing with my car. Was this incident a vestigial form of adolescent rebellion, or was it a sign she was a millennial? One is open to change; the other, not so much.
It was one of the things that made my relationship with Mike possible from the beginning. We had a conflict of interest about having sex on the second date (it was the 70s). We argued that out in a Baskin Robbins. His voice was soft, but mine was loud. We must have entertained someone. We did it my way (obviously not forever.) I learned how he handled conflict on an issue that was important to him. It was one of the moments when I registered, "I could live with this man." So glad he accepted my answer and continued pursuing me. So happy- 45 years' worth.
I notice that I don’t remember everything Kathrin said during the reconciliation discussion. . I remember more of what I said at that time because I have given it considerable thought beforehand. It is the human condition to remember the moments that cause distress more than the ones that are pleasing. Makes sense; the good moments don’t call for attention and change.
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Musings: I'm putting this separately so those who are not interested can choose not to read it.
I think there are two ways to adapt to another person. One way is to accept the discomforts they create in your life and do something to maneuver yourself, so you avoid them, sort of like camping out on the hard, bumpy ground. The other is to negotiate the difference so that rocks are softened sufficiently to create comfort. I would say that in any good relationship, both approaches are used. Some couples emphasize one more than the other. The trick is to know when to apply one versus the other or run for your life.
When I was living in the commune, some people insisted that negotiation was never necessary. You either got along with people, or you didn't. There is truth to this. There are people in my life who present rocks. Because they love me and enjoy my company, I am delighted to make adjustments to the discomforts they create in my life. I find them amusing for the most part. On the other hand, I would find long term living arrangements intolerable with someone I couldn't negotiate with as I couldn't with those folks in the commune.
While Mike and I had a sound basis for negotiation, there were also areas in our lives where we had to make do with each other. The best I can say about those areas is that we were committed to making changes; we were works in progress. That intent was good enough for me, and I think it was also good enough for Mike.
I know couples who live their lives, making adjustments around the discomforts they create in each other's lives; negotiation is an infrequent tool for resolving differences. I couldn't live that way long term. I am so lucky I had Mike, who liked that I was a worthy opponent. I like worthy opponents too.
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