March 3, 2021

 March 3, 2021

 

            When the alarm went off, I continued lying in bed, completely relaxed. Lovely! I got up late, 6:30, and went for my morning walk. As I walked, I noticed I felt somewhat fuzzy. It is the feeling I associate with finishing a big project. The world feels different, fresh, and new. I first thought this feeling had to do with Mike's death, the second anniversary of the end of a 45-year project, my marriage to Mike. Later in the day, I remembered I had my second vaccination yesterday. My arm knows that something happened, but I would hardly call it pain. However, this floating feeling, which I associate with being sick and change moments, maybe a result of that shot.

            I mediated and napped. Judy called to ask how I was. She was a Godsend during those five weeks Mike was in the hospital, and I was in Honolulu. I spent every day in his hospital room. I could reach her any time, night, or day, when I needed help. It was Judy I called when he was moved up to the ICU the second time. I didn't get that he was unlikely to survive two trips to the ICU. I held on to my false belief. It was also I called the night I had no place to stay. She researched finding me a hotel room at the last minute on a holiday night. She was a lifeline.

            I'm at peace with his absence. I wondered if something was wrong with me. I think it was because whatever I had with Mike was enough. I was always comfortable. There was that time when there was dead air between us. That was an unhappy time, but not unsafe. We still had great respect for each other. 

            As I think about it now, there was a crisis moment. I tell the story now with humor, but I can remember a few moments when I knew that I could never be the person he wanted me to be; I was not willing to be the person he wanted me to be. It was the moment when he insisted that I think the way he thought, linearly. He said my skipping from topic to topic drove him nuts, and I had to change. The therapist said the magic words that changed Mike's point of view. "She's a phenomenalist." If Mike had continued insisting I conform to his thinking style, I think we would have come to the point of irreconcilable differences. I couldn't live that way. The leap from the way I think to the way he wanted me to was just too great. Just thinking about giving up that way of thinking causes fear. That doesn't mean that I didn't see a need to become more linear in my thinking. I appreciated Mike's impact on me. It also did not mean that I was interested or prepared to become exactly like Mike or his academic colleagues. They're into explicating something, always staying inside the designated box. Me, my objective is to see things in a new way. Very different.  

            It occurred to me the other day that one reason I have been doing well is that I started preparing for his death from the moment I entered the relationship. I had a therapist who interpreted that as an attachment disorder. Let me see, I stayed with and loved the man for 45 years. I was passionate about him. Doesn't sound like an attachment disorder to me. But I lost a parent as a child. That changes one's perspective. You 'know' you always must be ready to leap to the solo act from the duet. I was always prepared to cope with being alone. That coping has been made easier because I'm living in Hawaii. I can't begin to describe the difference between being here and at our last stop in Columbus, Ohio. I don't know if I could have made it. I would have been entirely alone. It would have been way more than I could have coped with.      

            I had planned to go to Costco to pick up some vinegar. There was supposed to be a shipment on Tuesday. I was too lazy. I did have one gallon. I put it into the dispenser and sprayed the rest of the weeds in front of the house. I had done half a few weeks ago. Yvette said you're only allowed to buy two gallons at a time. She takes Scott with her so she can get two more.  

            I spent a good part of the day napping. I'm sure it was a reaction to the vaccine.

            Damon texted to say he had a few moments; could I email him my PowerPoint Presentation. He would fix up some of the images. This is his profession; he works for DreamWorks Animation. 

            At 5:30, Yvette and I left for Kua Bay for the sunset. I brought the yahrzeit's candle with me to light it. A yahrzeit's candle is from Mike's Jewish heritage; it burns for 24 hours. It is lit for the dead on significant anniversaries, birth, and death dates. It is a ritual way to remember the dead.

            We took Elsa with us; she had a grand time with unfamiliar scents. Other than pooping on the walkway and having to sniff everything in sight, she was wonderful. We didn't go down to the beach but sat in the shower area. We sat at a picnic table overlooking the ocean, watching the boogie boarding and looking out for spouting whales with some folks who were there for that purpose. I had put the candle in a widemouthed jar to protect the flame from the wind. It all worked perfectly, and it was wonderful to be near the ocean. I haven't been that close for years now. I go when we have guests. No guests.

            At 7:30, Yvette, Scott, and I left for Gertrude's bar for a comedy show. The boyfriend of one of our yoga buddies was doing a set. While I'm glad I went, I wouldn't recommend much about the experience. The food was horrendous. They served sandwich fillings on herb crepes. The food was stale as if it sat around for half a day. The lemonade was good. 

            The comedians weren't much to write home about either. This must be true for any open night event at a comedy club event. Gertrude's isn't just comedy. There was music on before the comedy started. 

            The best comedian was the 'newbie,' a woman who had never done standup before. Her set was well structured; she moved back and forth between serious issues and comedy, creating a context for the comedy. The worst was someone who didn't have a clue about the elements of comedy. You need context, and, aside from context, timing is everything. No one in the audience booed. It was worth the experience just to be in the company of our wonderful Hawaiian residents who are kind. One of the comedians was a black guy. He said once a woman came up to him, looked him right in the face, and asked, "Are you black?" After telling that story and getting a good laugh, he said the Big Island is the least biased place he's ever been. Oh, were that only true! I think it is for black people, but native Hawaiians are considered second-class citizens, and they look down on the Marshallese. No, Hawaii is not bias-free.   

            When I got home at 10:30, I had only completed 8,700 steps. I had to decide if I would try to get in the 10,000 or give up for the night. I went for the 10,000. I have a designated walking pathway in my house, which I use when rain prevents me from walking outside. This section of my house is tiled, so I don't have to worry about wearing down wood or carpeting. It didn't take me too long to reach my goal.