Friday, January 1, 2021

 Friday, January 1, 2021

 

            Let's see. The firecrackers went off from 6 pm till 1 am- nonstop.   Because of Elsa, I could not do a long before-dinner walk and then had to remain closeted in the library; poor Elsa was terrified by the endless noise of the evening's firecrackers. I talked about it with Vince and Julie during my morning walk, two of my walking acquaintances. They said that two of the enthusiasts were their neighbors, one of each side. They were worried about fire risk. I remember our first Fourth of July here; B. hosed down the roof to be on the safe side. We haven't done it since, and we had no problem, but I was worried last night. Yvette and I thought last night was much worse than before. Vince and Julie said, no, it was the same as always. When I ran into Carol, she said her dogs were so distressed that her husband took them to another location and had the dogs sleep with them. Elsa always sleeps with me. Last night, she snuggled up a bit more than usual.

            I had a tough time last night. It felt like the marrow in my bones was vibrating in fear. I am responding to the prospect of making a Zoom presentation on my approach to teaching phonics. This is an old fear. I believe it was a residue of my mother's treatment of me when I was a child. She made me feel that something was terribly wrong with me. She once said to me, "If someone is angry with you, you deserve it." The other person was never wrong. She didn't just criticize me; she responded with intense horror. It was frightening. The sensation I'm experiencing now is weird. It is as if the very marrow in my bones is trembling in fear as I described it. I hate that feeling.

            Someone asked why I'm still angry with my mom. I don't think I am. I had her live with me for the last eighteen years of her life. I don't think anyone thought I responded to her with anger, no less that I sought revenge for what she had done to me. I was an adult and realized she had her own struggles and had done the best she could. Given her own traumas, I think she did an amazing job. The intensity of my complaint has to do with my distress in response to her treatment, not her. I can separate the two. I have worked my whole adult life to heal this wound. No one finds healing from old wounds an easy fix.

            I got my 6,000 steps in this morning. I meditated when I got home, hoping to move this fear a bit more. The fear is interfering with my ability to make my presentation. I feel tongue-tied. Instead of focusing on communicating my thoughts, I worry about how they will be received. 

            This fear isn't about what people think; it is about man's contempt for others when opinions differ. I don't just feel this way when it is directed toward me. I feel that way when I hear it directed toward others. I have a long-standing reputation for running out of movies when I see it on screen. I'm sure that my current stress is partially due to the rash of the demonization of others. Those who follow GAnon win the contest for those who demonize their opponents. But there are others, probably on both sides of the aisle. I mostly have contact with Democrats, the left-leaning crowd. I have heard comments dismissing the value of humans who support Trump but not demonization. I haven't heard anyone accuse a Republican of trafficking, even though Trump has been photographed with Epstein. While there is evidence that Trump has bad taste, there is no evidence he was trafficking. 

            The evangelicals are big on demonizing those who hold opposing points of view. I think the blame for this lies right at Luther's door. He is the one who freed people from the authority of the church and told them to find their direct connection with God. The Evangelicals are just riding that horse all the way home; they believe they can know objective reality by what feels right to them. Their God-contact makes them experts in all forms of reality. They know'. I wonder what Luther would say to this interpretation of his teaching.

            I did some work on the updates and the blog posts. I did a surface straightening of the library, but I didn't look for more books or pack more boxes. My friend Carol from Maryland called to wish me a Happy New Year. We had a nice long talk.   She and her husband, John, will be leaving on a several-month road trip with the goal of reaching Arizona. They have a camper, or did she call it a sleeper. 

            D.'s mother texted me to ask if D didn't have an appointment today at 11:30. I had forgotten. There were times when she forgot me. This is a change, and she is ill. The whole family has a cold. I asked if it was Covid. They assured me it wasn't. The explanation was that one of the children brought the cold home to the family, so it couldn't be Covid. She also asked me to work with Eb today too. 

            D performed a miracle today. His reading was better than I have ever seen it. If he made a mistake, he caught them. He was able to self-correct. He could even say that he got the word wrong because he mixed up the letters and used context clues. Wow! Wow! Wow! I asked him if he had a brain operation. I stood up and applauded him at the end of the session. I told him his accomplishment was a birthday, Christmas, and New Year's Present for me all rolled in one. His accomplishment is more important to him than it is to me. I warned him that he may not do as well in his next session, but not to worry. Learning doesn't go in a straight line; it goes up and down but having experienced this once means he can do it. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I wasn't being a downer; I was just preparing him for not being as good the next time.

            I worked with his sister for a few minutes then. I didn't have the material she was reading before me. She selected a somewhat easier book than she read last time. Her reading was fluent. I asked her if it was better for our work. She said yes; she was reading more quickly. Fantastic!