Thursday, January 28, 2021

 Thursday, January 28, 2021

            Ah, I slept deep and long last night. I considered sleeping in for the sheer pleasure of it. I remembered that I could nap whenever I chose later and got up. I couldn't walk long because my left hip was pinchy. Thanks to Alex Miller's video, I've made a significant change in my posture. 

            She did a 5-minute video on how to change your posture by pulling your head/neck back. This is nothing I haven't heard before, but it struck me differently. It got through to me. I had been opening my right hip joint as I walk. That sequences up through the muscles of my back. Now, I've added this head/neck movement. I'm not looking at the ground anymore. But of course, changes like that create a new challenge for my leg.

            I am scheduled for stem cell therapy this Saturday. Dorothy opted for a total hip replacement to fix her problem. She is thrilled with it. She has made some subtle comments trying to convince me to go that route. Today, she asked me why I was resistant. The real answer is it just doesn't feel right. Besides that, I did have a PT tell me that I would never be happy with an artificial hip because of my high degree of kinesthetic awareness. I don't know if that would be true. I would adapt.

            I have scheduled two hip surgeries already. Surgical candidates must attend an educational class where they are told what to expect before, during, and after the surgery. Mike and I attended. All the other candidates were grim with pain- not me. After the class, I went up to the presenter, the surgeon's nurse, and did a standing bow. She said, "Don't do the surgery." I have always suspected that the nurses protect the doctors from their own enthusiasm. If that surgery had gone wrong, always a possibility, the doctor could be sued. 

            There was a second time I scheduled one. Yvette encouraged us to get all medical procedures done before coming to Hawaii. She portrayed the medical care here as primitive. (Mike and I thought it was the best medical attention we had ever had in our lives.)  Again, the doctor enthusiastically scheduled the surgery. It didn't feel right to me. Mike and I called the company in Columbus where we would have it done and spoke to the doctor's nurse. Again, she said, "If you're not in pain, don't do it." I had some discomfort, but nothing to write home about. My biggest problem was my limited range of motion in that joint. It is clearly a limitation but not worth risking surgery. Now, let's hope nothing goes wrong with the stem cell transplant.

            At 11 am, I had a therapy appointment. Last week, I hadn't thought of anything upsetting to work on and just sat in a peaceful state, observing nothing. Very nice. Shelly commented that this was the first time I wasn't working on some trauma. I was disconcerted by the comment. Would she expect me to free trauma-free regularly? It made me think of how many previous therapists had related to me- as if I was a pathetic mess. 

            While I'm not a Scientologist, I came to the concept of achieving something 'clear' on my own. I believe we can clear up old 'traumas,' both big and small, and learn to deal with all the ones that come up. I found the Vipassana method of meditation reflected my beliefs. I asked Shelly what she was thinking. She did not believe I was dysfunctional. She understood my objective and said this is what I hired her to work on.        

            While I had trouble thinking of something to work on., I didn't feel I'd achieved 'clear.' I didn't know what was going on. Nothing came to mind. I found an area of tightness when I checked my body. My upper chest and throat had a lingering tightness. We made some moves in yoga this morning that made me aware of it. It's not an unusual tightness; it's the one I always live with. When I focused on it, what came up were the words, "Why don't you love me?" Here we are again. I'm speaking to my mom. 

            I remembered a comment an old commune-mate made when she met my mom. She said, "Now, I know why you're obsessed with your mother. She's capable of love." I had met this woman's mother. Her mother was dead inside and incapable of love. It was a remarkable comment. I looked at my mother through her eyes; my mother radiated love for me. 

            I think my mother had trouble showing it because she genuinely believed it wasn't good for us, Dorothy and me, to be loved that much. I remember becoming aware that she was looking at me, turning around, seeing her eyes shine as she turned away, avoiding my gaze. I could see the full extent of her love if I looked at this woman. My mother wasn't hiding from her gaze. She was unaware of her. She was focused on me or on Dorothy. She loved both of us. 

            I was reminded that we need to look at the sun indirectly during an eclipse to protect our eyes from damage. Whether my mother was right or wrong about fearing the damage her intense love could do to us, I can see it when I look at her 'indirectly.' Yay!

            At 2:30, I had a session with J. I worked on the phonemic transcription again. He could tolerate it at a faster pace now comfortably, even find it pleasurable. Then we did that exercise on repeating sentences. He gave me a few sentences. I repeated his words. We took turns. He read a sentence from a book, and I tried to recall it and repeat it. Then I gave him a few sentences from a book, and he repeated them. The other day I showed him how to use the sentences' rhythm to help him remember the words. This can be difficult for him. The rhythm of Spanish is different than the rhymical pattern of English. He will change words to fit the Spanish rhythm. I worked on helping him make that adjustment. I told him to listen to the rhythm of Spanish as well as English. He only hears Spanish at home. I suggested he listen to a few minutes of English on the TV and listen to the beat. I asked him if he understood people more easily when they spoke English. He said a little. I asked him then if he understood Spanish better. He said yes. Working on phonemic awareness and awareness of any language's rhythmic pattern will help someone improve their auditory processing skills in all languages.

            One of the Step Up Program administrators asked us to take on more students. They have a long waiting list. I spoke to J about cutting our hours back to two a week instead of the three we were doing. I assured him that if he ever needed help with anything, he could just text me, and as long as I was still functional, I would help him. 

            I then wrote Laura and told her I was willing to give one hour a week. She rejected my offer, saying two hours a week were better. Yes, three would probably be better than two, etc., etc. I'm thinking one hour is better than zero. If she can't find people to tutor these kids, grab what you can.      

            I got an email from an old college roommate on my update mailing list. She asked me to remove her name. She didn't offer an explanation. Now, I don't expect anyone to read my updates. I'm grateful that everyone doesn't ask to be dropped and allows me the excuse to keep writing these. I am often surprised, if not shocked, to learn that someone is reading my updates regularly. I have only had three, no four people, asked to be dropped. The first was my financial advisor. His company told him that receiving personal information from me was a conflict of interest. Okay. Then, this woman asked to be dropped because she found my preoccupations annoying and strange. I was happy to drop her. This last friend gave no explanation. Besides those three, periodically, Jean, my hanai sister, asks me to drop her name. She is slammed with work. I think she felt she had to read them if she got them. If she gets a break, her name goes back on the mailing list and then off again. Other than that, I can imagine that many people just press delete.  

            I spent the day working on updates, posting to the blog, and tackling gardening projects. I'm getting more aggressive. Darby has given me courage. She and her husband Patrick spend hours each day tending to their garden. I made some comment about her being a good gardener. She said no, just persistent. They try things; some things work, and some don't. Then they try again.