Sunday, March 7, 2021

 Sunday, March 7, 2021           

             I had a lousy night. I was emotionally rattled; I had no idea why. Vaccine? Anniversary of Mike’s death? Upcoming public presentation of the PowerPoint? Whatever it was, it opened up something requiring healing I wasn’t ready to deal with? My behavior seemed reasonably okay. There was a time in my life when I felt off-kilter when everyone would know about it. It was obvious. I have learned to control my behavior, for the most part. There were some slips. 

            I read recently that most people don’t share their worries because they don’t expect anyone to understand. I actually expect people to understand and am surprised when they don’t. I do not endlessly complain about what’s wrong in my life anymore. Mostly that’s because many of my inner wounds have been healed.  

            I have never believed in behavior modification; on the other hand, there have been a few incidents where behavior changes have been most helpful. I believed, and still believe, in what is called trauma therapy from the get-go, long before it was a glimmer in any professional’s eye. 

            Jean, my friend in Arizona, didn’t answer her phone this morning. I called her husband, Randy, to check on how she was. She was coming home today. While the doctors first thought her pneumonia was a post-Covid infection, the final conclusion was that it was caused by her cancer infusion therapy. Her lung problem is a rare side effect, but it is listed. They did every test on her they knew about. When her pulmonologist came to see her, he reordered several tests. No, she didn’t have Covid; she had never had Covid. No, it was not a bacterial infection. The good news is she is supposed to recover completely. She was going home with oxygen. If they couldn’t have done that, she might have had to stay in the hospital. 

            Reading an old update, I came across a note that Adam and Jazzy helped their very disabled son, Luke, calm down by applying Frankincense. I promptly went to my bathroom, where I knew I had a bottle, and used a dab under my nose. I don’t know if it was the placebo effect or the chemical, but it worked. I was better almost immediately, although not perfect.

            I participated in the 12 session Keys for Exceptional Living Online Course through the Ithaca Yoga Farm. Yvette and Scott are taking a 300-hour online yoga training class with this group. They love it. Yvette suggested that everyone in our yoga class take the Keys class, which does not involve poses. We could go through it together in our driveway yoga class. I was somewhat leery.  

   When I run into those spiritual disciplines that believe human nature is basically good, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. On the other hand, they stand to attention just as quickly when I hear someone say that human nature is basically evil. How about neither with a capacity for both? Once you decide your viewpoint on human nature, a friend once said, quoting a college professor of his, everything you think and do in your life follows from there. 

            The workshop presenter had us identify a ‘soul vow.’  She asks us to think of a single word and then a scene that represented/supported that image. This was a rewarding activity. The word that came to my mind was ‘happy.’  The scene seemed incongruent but resonated. It was a Thanksgiving celebration twenty to twenty-five years ago. It was in my home; we had something like 25 people. It was family and extended family and a few friends and a few friends of those friends. Mike was in the kitchen cooking away. I was sitting at the table waiting to be served. (I was the clean-up squad.)  A relative was acting out in a somewhat inappropriate way, but it amused me. The word that came to my mind then was ‘belonging.’  I think I felt good that I was in a family with some tolerance for inappropriate behavior.  

            There were breakout sessions at the end of the large group presentation. Out of 7 people, three were trained healers; I was one of them. It was a treat to have some contact with unfamiliar people- new faces, new scenes as I viewed their living spaces.

            I learned that it is good for the brain to see different sights. Seeing the same thing all the time is deadly. I have finally found a reason to travel. Too bad Mike is gone, and I can’t give him this gift. He wanted to travel, tour, and he got stuck with me. I see no value in it. It’s just information collecting; that’s up there with collecting stamps for me. 

            I ran through the PowerPoint Presentation. I did it in 57 minutes. 

            I treated myself to Miss Congeniality. This must be the third or fourth time I’ve seen it. I find it a good chuckle. I need chuckles.