Thursday, March 18, 2021

 Thursday, March 18, 2021

            As I walked this morning, I shifted my walking stick to my left hand to support my right leg as I brought my left knee higher, as if going up a step. I then brought my left leg down and pushed off. It put a lot of strain on my left upper thigh muscles.

              I had an appointment with Shelly today. I didn't have much to talk about, but I was more moody than usual. That was upsetting. I felt like I was reverting. Mike was a stabilizing influence in my life. To stabilize me at the moment, I put my attention on connecting with him. Shelly felt the power of the love we shared. We shared that energy from day one. I don't know what you call it. Is it love? Or could you call it a shared something? We were both spiritual people at that level. I do know it when I connected with Mike, then it felt great; it still felt great.  

            For some reason, I thought about how I was made to feel different from others when I was a child. Everyone feels uncomfortably different at some level. Being different was dangerous back in the hunter-gatherer days. While there are 'good' differences and 'bad' differences, everything is only bearable if you have a parent, a community, who finds you acceptable. I wasn't blessed with such a parent. My mom was very uncomfortable with how I was different. She reinforced any ideas I might have had about being unacceptable to others. I think she believed what she was saying and felt she was doing it for my good. People did make comments about some ways in which I was different. My mother saw those comments as signs of danger. Somewhere in her mind, she believed she was helping me. I am sure she be very disturbed if she ever understood that she did more harm than good. Her perspective on many things was off. I wept. I wept the hardest I think I ever have in my life. I wept about being different when I wanted to be like everyone else. Mike was a good cover. He made me look normal, just an average middle-class housewife. Ah! What a relief.

            I walked around the property to see what the gardeners had done. They had cleared areas that hadn't been touched since we moved in. It gives us access to some fruit trees.

            Adolescent E. was a no-show today. He didn't answer his phone or text me. I would prefer he does that so that I know he is all right. I assumed he was at play. It's spring break for Hawaii students.

            I had an appointment with A in the late afternoon. He was tired and made many more mistakes than usual. He completely forgot everything he learned about distinguishing b from d. I didn't just have to go over the procedure; I had to start from scratch. He was completely turned around within himself. He couldn't figure out which was first and which was second in a spatial sequence.

            I switched activities to the Barnell Loft Context Clues exercises. These are sentences with a blank line in the middle and three choices. Because he was so off, I asked him if he wanted to read the words or have me read them. He said, "You!" I told him to read what he could, and I would read what he couldn't. I was able to use rhyming words to help him decode unfamiliar words. A is in second grade; the work we are doing is beginning first. He struggles with this. We did two of the exercises. Boy, that was that hard for him today. Seeing how frustrated he was, I asked him if he wanted to read the transcribed Carpenter materials. He read Stories 5 and 6. I have never gone this far with these materials. But then again, I never had to; I usually switched to materials kids might use in their class. A did a remarkably good job reading this material. However, Carpenter's story # 6 makes zero sense. I have to do a little rewrite on that. 

            The folks at Step-Up Tutoring have asked if I can recommend materials for teaching reading. The Carpenter materials might work for some. I could even provide them with my transcribed versions. I tried to find Gail on the Internet so I could purchase the materials from her. It sounded like her business address was defunct, and I couldn't find a home address for her either. 

            The lawnmower arrived tonight. As I knew, there's some assembly required. Yvette is delighted that I bought a manual mower. She hates the motorized ones as I do. We'll see. We may have to mow more often. I have trouble keeping up with the gardening. I wish I was more active. Late this afternoon, I did spend some time continuing with trimming the bougainvillea in the backyard. They looked so scraggly. I need to spray the ground area with vinegar; the weeds are taking over.  

            Again, I didn't vacuum the lanai area. The Rainbow vacuum is patiently sitting there waiting to be used. I have been good about washing the kitchen floor once a week. The house doesn't get a lot of use. I'm the only one here.